It is over 4 months since D-Day for me and the bitterness and outright hateful things coming from my husband due to my betrayal is on the increase.<P>I have been using plan a for months and no let up in sight.

When I speak of my plan a I am talking about a 180 degree change in myself as well.<P>

Have you sought counseling?<P>Does your H have someone to talk to--a trusted friend, pastor, relative?<P>Will he read books like SURVIVING THE AFFAIR or AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs or TORN ASUNDER by Carder?<P>I'm not familiar with your situation, but it is usual for the betrayed to take as long to recover as the affair lasted. Or longer. And the feelings are as intense--only they're negative feelings of loss, of lowered self-esteem, betrayal, pain. 4 months is still well-within the pain time frame, especially if both of you are not working toward healing. Sometimes the betrayed gets stuck in a phase of grief--whether it is disbelief, depression, despair, anger. Or he may be moving from one of the others to anger. There is anger on behalf of the betrayed and it has to be dealt with...but there are ways to process the anger without destroying the relationship with the betrayer, and hopefully a counselor could help him with anger management.<P>It sounds as if you are doing your part, with Plan A. Love, patience and time are all part of healing.<P>I wish you the best.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

HI-<P>I thought I would take a moment to respond to your question and give you my thoughts in regards to my own situation.<P>D-Day for me was June 1, 1999. H told me-I didn't discover it myself. I was numb-real numb-for 10 weeks. Then I kicked in to angry gear. I never felt such intense anger for so long.<P>My anger was coming from all directions.<P>I have and always will love my H with all my heart. I was absolutely devastated by his A. The OW was a very good friend of mine-or so I thought-for over 5 years. Here it is almost 17 months after D-Day and I miss her still-every day. I truly liked her a lot and have felt a huge loss with her out of my life.<P>It takes time for "triggers" to hit a BS. All of a sudden I will be doing something and think of the OW. I get angry and I take it out on my H. I often say things that are not very nice to my H-all because something triggers my memory and I then speak with a forked tongue.<P>I am in no way proud of myself for continuing to "abuse" my H with my little quips about him and the OW. But so far I have not been able to let it rest.<P>As LOR said-you are in the very early stages of your "recovery". Your H does need someone tot alk to. If he holds it all in he will burst one day. <P>I applaud you for doing Plan A and I beg you to not stop it for a minute. Your H deserves a long time to heal.<P>I hope both of you can recover quickly and happily.<P>Best Wishes-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

We are at 4 months, too. H is 100% repentant, remorseful, and committed to rebuilding. We are both trying, but I still have times when the anger just comes boiling out. Sometimes it is triggered, sometimes it's not. Sometimes the rage comes after some very close, special times. H has been very gracious, patient, and tries to be understanding. He is getting past the "deer in the headlights" look, and trying to hold me and just let me cry. (I told him I can't hit him if his arms are wrapped around me. ) <P>I have heard that recovery typically takes about 2 years. I think your husband is normal--confused, hurt, and yes, angry. Hang in there.

WSFNY, it has been 8 months and I still "stew" some. We are recovering and actually dong well now. I don't know where the anger comes from or why it still comes; I just wish it would go away. One the plus side, the depth of his anger shows the depth of his passion for you. Your H needs someone to talk too (or scream to as the case maybe) and men typically do not discuss their failures with women to other men. It would be a great loss of face to tell someone my wife cheated on me. The normal reponse would be "you haven't thrown the b-- out yet?!" For me, my W was my best friend and the source of the pain. It was and is a hard task to lean on my friend without flogging my wife. The hurtful things are not an attack on you, he needs his best friend so he can express his pain and expose the strength of his fears.

Persevering hit on something that I have found to be very true for me. When we are feeling especially close, you can pretty much bank on the next day I will be in a rage. <P>We aren't having any triggers, the affair and the things that made me suspicious ended long before the OB (I refuse to call her a woman, you guess what the B is) confronted me. It's when we get along that it hits me that no matter how good things get between us, he will forever be a cheater. No matter what happens in our life, that won't go away.<P>I fear that I'll never get past this. And if I can't, I have two choices, I can divorce my H, or I can spend the rest of my life with someone who left a hideous scar on my heart that can never be concealed.

4 months is not a long time. I know it probably FEELS like hell, but it takes years for some of us to process everything. And if there is more and more to discover, the process just drags out even more. <P>Plan A is good, but I would suggest you need more than just Plan A to accelerate things along. If you can do something nice for yourself, get involved in a club or something, see a counselor, and do things that focus on you instead of the betrayal. <P>Instead of making the betrayal a central focus of your life, make you the most important thing. Your attitude will improve even if the relationship doesn't.

Dear WSFNY:<P>Anger is a *fickle* emotion. Sometimes, it's cloaked in pain, other times it's wrapped around resentment.<P>As a BS, I honestly don't remember how much time I spent *cloaked* in anger...perhaps 2 months??? Maybe slightly longer??? But I do remember that beneath my anger was a gigantic, aching heart filled with love for my H...and, luckily for me, my H was strong enough to handle my "storm" (we've been recovering for slightly over a year now!).<BR> <BR>I wanted to share the following information with you--in the hopes that you will be able to share it with your H...and that it will bring you BOTH PEACE. The information was taken from the book, "The Wellness Book: the Comprehensive Guide to Maintaining Health and Treating Stress-Related Illness," by Herbert Benson, MD. Possibly you could use the communication technique listed below to communicate to your H how his anger is hurting you (???)--maybe print out the info...add a small note card...and leave it on your H's pillow (???). Here goes:<P>Anger is most often experienced when you feel as though someone is mistreating you or taking advantage of you. Anger can mask feelings of helplessness, insecurity, disappointment, and fear. <P>Anger is often appropriate and also serves a purpose: it mobilizes people to change uncomfortable and wasteful situations. However, anger not constructively resolved leaves one feeling helpless and out of control. Anger in this case can be thought of as "holding onto a burning ember, waiting to toss it at someone." When you think about it, who really gets burned here?<P>Most of us feel angry and hostile at times. Recognize that no one can MAKE you angry. You can, however, feel angry when someone is rude or irresponsible. As with guilt, there are constructive ways to deal with this:<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI><B>ACKNOWLEDGE</B> the feelings<LI><B>REFLECT</B> on the feelings<BR>-Why am I so angry?<BR>-Is this really a battle, winner take all?<BR>-Is my reaction in proportion to the situation?<BR>-Is my anger helping me?<BR>-Is this how I want to spend my time?<BR>-Has this issue been previously dealt with?<BR>-Do I want to be angry, or do I want to be happy?<BR><LI><B>COMMUNICATE</B> the feelings (if appropriate):<BR>-Use "I" statements rather than "You" statements<BR>-Assertive statements express your feelings and opinions, reaffirm your identity and rights, and establish the reasons and immediacy of the subject. Assertive communication IS NOT judgmental: you are merely expressing your views about a specific subject.<BR>-The general format is:<BR>I feel (indicate emotion)<BR>when you (indicate the behavior)<BR>because (give your explanation)<BR>An example: "<I>I feel</I> angry <I>when you</I> forget to call me from the office <I>because</I> we had an agreement that you would call daily."<BR>-Reaffirm the person you're communicating with: the person should REALIZE your <B>objection is with their behavior, and not with their *person*.</B><BR><LI><B>LET THE ANGRY FEELINGS GO:</B><BR>-Ask yourself, "do I wish to stay mad forever?"<BR>-Use relaxation techniques (count to ten, clench/unclench your fists, scream out loud)<BR>-Ask yourself, "wouldn't I rather be HAPPY?"</UL><P>I sincerely hope this brings you both PEACE.<P>Hugs, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited October 24, 2000).]

4 months is not long. My d-day was in July of this year(18th)<P>We have been going to see someone together and by ourseleves. Its helping. But I was trying to keep the OM from sending her any more email from another email address. And NOT have her respond or read it. Had to take my own action and call the OM Wife.<P>The anger will last. Then you may just be sad. You will re-live moments in your head<BR>when you know things that were said were a lie. All the moments that were stolen that should have been yours. But the more time the better. <P>I think we have read 12 books or more including SAA. They are all helpful and all have something to say.<P>Just try not to let the anger lash out(hard to do, since I'm very sacastic!). Thats will just keep the intimacy from developing between you two.<P>Good Luck. I'll say a prayer for you.<p>[This message has been edited by sj_salsero (edited November 03, 2000).]