(i had this typed once but it didn’t go) <P>Hi all. Yes I’m still alive & kicking. Life goes on.<P>My wife called on 8 Sep. She spoke with the youngest for about 3 minutes (we were on the way to church.)<P>She called again 3 weeks ago. I answered & she hung up. She called 2 weeks ago & left a message.<P>She called yesterday & spoke with the oldest. She called tonight. I answered the phone & she said, “hey, is Melissa there?” She was in a hurry to NOT talk with me. I made sure Melissa knew I wanted to talk with her.<P>I asked her how she was doing? Fine.<P>I told her I would like to get together & talk about us. She said, “so we can talk about divorce?” I told her so we can talk about us.<P>She said maybe after Christmas. I told her I would like to do it within a few weeks. She said she was working, blah, blah, blah.<P>I only need a few hours over lunch or dinner. Let me know where you are, I’ll fly out & we can talk. She kept saying, “so we can talk about divorce? and I kept telling her so we can discuss everything we need to.<P>She said she would let me know in a day or two (I’m not holding my breath.)<P>I’m not too optimistic about her wanting to come back. Her loss.<P><BR>The girls are doing fine. Youngest is in Girl Scouts, playing the violin & volleyball.<P>The oldest is 15 and drives me up a wall. <P>It’s great being a Dad!<P>Both of the girls are very understanding of what is going on. They know where I am at with all of this and know we will most likely get divorced.<P>I’m fine with all of this. Just waiting & coasting along. I’ll most likely file in January. The 19th is my birthday. What a present, huh?<P>My AF retirement is 1 January. My last work day is 5 Dec. Still looking for a job.<P>I‘ve started a networking course. Gonna get my Cisco certification.<P>The transmission on our van died. Only the 4th time it’s happened. I do have another car, so we’re not without transport.<P>About the only thing I am worried about is her getting half my retirement (about $1300/month) If she does, hello child support. I’ll get as much as I can. Colorado will not allow you to waive child support so I’ll get something. Hope she won’t think I’m “after” her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

HI Chris,<BR> Haven't been here for ages but I couldn't pass by an old friend. Sounds like she's still "fogged" and it never will make sense to me how she can desert her children. Not to mention a great guy like you. You're right, HER LOSS my friend.<BR> You and the girls are always in my prayers. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Dear Chris,<P>Yes, she does sound like in a fog and couldn't help it. My father was a very handsome, tall, humurous, hardworking. dignified and honourable man. Whenever he enters a room, you can feel his presence and all eyes (male and female) turn to admire his striking beauty and poise and stature. My mother was WS.<P>So, it really is not about you or I or my father. Someone wisely said "Do not let the mistake define your spouse". I would like to add "Do not let your spouse's failure define you".<P>God bless you and shine upon your face<BR>weep

Chris,<P>Things are going to turn out so well for you! You are right--her loss. Though I do think that it is so strange that she will not talk to you. I mean, what could that hurt her? What woman would do her kids like that? I had to give my little girls up to her father after I joined the army, and I grieved every day. Could it be that it hurts so bad that she doesn't want to think about it? I know that I went through that, a little bit, (but I always made sure that my children knew how much I loved them.) Does she have the Scarlet O' Hara syndrom? ("I'll think about it tomorrow.") Like I said, it IS her loss, and not yours, though I don't doubt that you do feel like you have lost out. And I know that it hurts to be left wondering just what in the heck is going on.<P>Well, you sound tough and you sound like you are holding your own. You are ending a career honorably and looking ahead for another great future--plus raising your little girls alone. You are quite a man and you know darn well that you don't deserve what you got. <P>I think that you have a handle on things. It will be interesting to hear what she has got going on--bravo for the way you worded invitation to talk. You are giving her every last chance.<P>Good luck and God bless.

Dear Chris,<BR>(((((hugs)))))<BR>THose calls must be as frustrating as lack of calls. <BR>I think she is still not ready to listen to what you have to say...how many times can you say 'to talk about us'? <BR>Glad to hear the girls are doing well!!! All teens can drive you nuts....if you let them.<BR>Will the courts let her have half your retirement after she abandoned the family? Leaving the kids does not look so good in a couple states I have lived in. One male friend of ours was awarded the house, bank accts, etc after his wife walked out and moved in with OM. <BR>SOrry abt your van. I had one of those lemon caravans a few yrs ago. My h replaced the transmission 3 times before I got smart and went back to the ole reliable volvo!<BR>Birthday plans?

{Chris}...<P>Last year about this time...<P>I thought I'd be following in <I>your</I> footsteps...<P>...now it is clear you will be following in mine...<P>I too continue with my long-distance Plan A...<BR>...with no results.<P>I also get the phone calls where she says... "let me talk to the kids"...<BR>...I really have been there... for 14+ months!!!<P>My divorce should come any day now within the next few weeks.<P>About your retirement...<BR>...try and bring up the fact that the kids will need $$$ for college education!!!<BR>...about your pension... that is a tough one... (you'll probably have to give 1/2 accumlated during the marriage... )<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Plan A helped me through it all...<BR>...no matter how much knocking it gets around here!<P>...but after the papers are signed...<BR>...I will be in a <I>formal</I> Plan B.<P>--------------------------------------------<P>Love those girls!!!!<P> <P>Jim

Why do you think she has not pushed or initiated a divorce herself? Is it in her best interest to stay married for any of your benefits like health care?<P>Would she get your retirement the rest of her life or until she married?<P>The idea she would even accept it sickens me.<P>This will be a challenging few months with quite a few changes, but you will shine through.

If your goal was getting your wife back, no, it doesn't sound too good. I'm so sorry.<P>But if your goal is sounding strong and wise, then you're sounding pretty good to me! <P>You are amazing!! YOU, dear Chris, are the most patient man on the planet, and one heck of a dad!<P>Take good care, Sheryl

Chris,<P>It is good to hear from you and to know that YOU are doing ok. I agree with all that have posted here. She walked out and left her family. I don't see how any woman could do this. God will look after you and the girls because you are the one that has done the right things here. Take good care of yourself and remember things will always work out for the best.........fs

Chris,<BR>I just wish the light would dawn on your wife. My girls are the same ages as yours and even with Guard in their life almost everyday, the 15 year old, although behaving better toward him, will never forget his walking out on his family. Donna has lost something so precious, and it is unlikely she will ever, even if she chooses to try, be able to repair the damage to her bond with her daughters.<P>Back in the dark days, when Guard & I were dividing up the assets, he pretty much said his retirement was his. However, according my lawyer, at least in our state, he could not ask me to give up his military retirement--it was my non-negociable benefit as his spouse. I, of course, could choose to negociate it away for something else, in our case, I wanted the house. But with mortgage payments, it was almost as much of a liability as an asset.<P>Guard was frustrated by the fact that I would be entitled to a 17 year percentage of half his retirement. I earned those 17 years, single parenting for days, weeks, months at a time while he went to schools, training, conferences, conventions--oh, he got together with the OW at a convention, I was home with the kids (stupid me, banged my forehead on that a few times, but he never lacked opportunity, he still doesn't).<P>In your case, I don't think it is fair that Donna gets the percentage of your retirement for the past 2 years after she left you. What about retroactive child support for those years? Would that balance it out financially? <P>I wonder if she hasn't pursued divorce because of her current & soon-to-be retiree medical benefits?<P>I wish this was turning out better for you.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Chris,<P>You're right, her loss.<P>Glad you and the girls are doing well. Mine's 16...that's even more fun than 15, my friend. Just ask my car that got totaled last Saturday night. (No, not her fault and she's fine, thank heavens, but no more car!)<P>Those girls are very, very lucky.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Thanks all! <P>I know nothing about what she is thinking, doing or anything which is one reason for the get together, so I can have at least some idea of what I'm up against.<P>As far as my military retirement, basically she can get 1/2. All she has to do is say she wants it. She would get the retired pay for life. Benefits (hospital, commisary, BX, etc) she gets until remarried. the benefits wouldn't cost me anything (except as a taxpayer.)<P>No use in fighting the retired pay issue. Congress brought this into effect a few years ago. Back in the "olden" days, the military member (the Husband) would retire & divorce the wife, who was a stay at home mom for the entire marriage. This program keeps her from getting screwed. However there is nothing in place to ensure people such as me DON'T get screwed. If I fight it, it's a no win situation.<P>June last year, we did talk briefly about divorce & she did say she "earned" at least part of my retirement because she "swept, mopped, did the dishes & laundry, etc." Well I cut the grass, fixed the cars, did the dishes, grocery shopping, watched the kids, etc.<P>Her brother is an E-9 in the Air Force and he told her if she touches any of my retirement, he will kick her [censored]! And I mean that, <B>literally! Literally!</B><P>Lor, She was not the stay at home Mom you were. She worked the entire time except for maybe 1 year total & she probably earned more than me every year.<P>I was the one working mid shift who had to get home by 8 AM so she could get to work and I had to tak ethe kids to school. I had to wake up at 2 PM to pick up the kids from school and stay up until they went to bed around 8PM so I could sleep 'till 10 PM before I got ready for work around the time she got home.<P>Oh yeah & weekends she was at work.<P>When I went to Saudi & Turkey for 6 months, the girl across the street watched the kids while she worked.<P>I was not gone very much. The two times above were very much the exception.<P>She never sacrificed anything for the kids. While she was having the affair before she left, she was taking the youngest to school. SHe had to be there at 8:45. She would take her to Burger King or McD's for breakfast & drop her off at 8 and let her "help" the teacher so she could run off & get laid!<P>As far as I'm concerned, she can have what she took, along with her clothes and a few things she would want.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris,<P>Not sure why she would avoid the subject. Why would she not want a divorce. She has not been there for almost two years. <P>Chris how do you feel? I mean what would you really like to see at this point? How do your children feel? I admire you.<P>BTW going for Cisco router certification is a good idea. Computer growth in the job market is only getting bigger. I wish you the best.

Hey Chris,<P>Glad to hear you and the girls are doing well.<P>Other than ruining your holidays, why wait till next year to start the divorce papers. She doesn't seem any closer than any time last year and doesn't appear to be coming around.<P>In your last post you mentioned that you were the one that did most of the child care, so do you want that situation to return?<P>That was pretty much my routine too. X took another job working 12 hrs shifts so she could spend more time with the kids but uses the excuse "she has to rest before work" to drop the kids off early.<P>I started my d paper work in Nov and we were divorced in Feb. I'm not sure what kind of waiting period you have out your way, but most states seem to have one, so this could drag until mid-year next year if you wait.<P>Just my opinion. You have my support no matter what you decide.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Chris,<P>As many have said here, and I echo it strongly "Her LOSS!". She's a fool.<P>I don't understand why she hasn't initiated the D ... maybe because she expects you to do all the work ... AGAIN ???<P>Chris, you're a wonderful man and an exceptional father, your girls are blessed.<P>One thing that really erks me is how could she leave her family, her kids like that??? I'll never understand ... it sounds like she doesn't even know them anymore ... my God they're her kids.<P>Thanks for updating us, Chris. Take good care and ever strong.<P>Jo

Hi, Chris...<P>No, it doesn't sound too good. And I'm sorry that Donna doesn't realize what she's walked away from. She will be sorry one day, too, but that doesn't help your family at this point.<P>It doesn't matter why she hasn't pursued divorce prior to this - she also has made little to no effort to remain in contact with her family, either. Trying to figure out people who have lost their minds will only make us lose ours, too. Don't even try - the thought and reasoning processes are so convoluted and twisted by guilt and justification that it would be like entering into a maze with no solution!<P>I know how much this all sucks... hang in there!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I've followed some of your posts, and although you are right, it doesn't seem to be getting any better, and doesn't look good, I just want to say that you are an awesome dad, and have amazing patience, and what goes around comes around. Someday she'll wake up and realize what she lost. It is totally mind boggling how someone can just abandon their family like she has done.<P>You should be very proud of how you have dealt with this. I wish for the best. Your children are lucky to have you, very lucky and they know it I'm sure.<P>Take care.

Here it is Saturday, 5 days later & no call back. Guess my check is in the mail too, eh? LOL.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris,<P>from a fellow old timer... Your patience and perseverence is, whats the word?, lengendary here on MB. When I think of all the people here who have set nothing but the finest example for marital effort and parenting through the worst of times, you are tops on my list. <P>best wishes always,<BR>TS

Chris,<P>Sorry to hear not much has changed for you. Me neither. We are in mediation on the way to divorce. My stb ex figured out she needed more money and thus filed to get child support and more for childcare. As you may know, the courts don't care about morals so my ex pretty much has the court on her side. Wants her yahoo boy and money too. I envy your full time dadness (i know it's still tough), but the positives must outweigh the tough parts. I only have my daughter 6 nights out 14 (every other weekend). Hang in there, your still the legend on this board