Using the feeling "game" I posted about recently, my h has been regularly wanting to know how I'm feeling (I've been very depressed for the last month). Wow, this is new! I just realized I don't always want to share my feelings, and here I though I was an open book!<P>I ask for the lates half day update on whether he will be joining us on Sunday's cruise (also posted recently). The problem is that Mon and Tues are the end of the quarter and his Co. literally lives and dies by the sales figures at the end of each quarter. So he may be joining the cruise half way somewhere...<P>I asked him if he didn't worry I might "meet" someone during those days. I wouldn't even want to, believe me, but it just bugs me that he is so secure in my faithfulness, while I continue to struggle with feelings of not being "safe".<P>The other MAJOR thing we are juggling is that he resigned his work effective Oct. 31, pending any renegotiation with the Co. It has been there for almost two weeks already, and supposedly the "real" powers just found out. I think they are scrambling to try to keep him, and we are trying to manage the stress. (He is the sole support here as I stay home with two young 'uns).<P>What else? My individual counselling, which I'm doing for the first time in my life, looks very promising. I've found trust with everyone to be difficult, so I was very fortunate to find the RIGHT counsellor.<P>And my kids, as usual, are the most beautiful and precious little people.

And how do you "feel" about the job thing? I knew you wanted him to hold on, are you fully in support of this?<P>You know what? As much as I drone on sometimes of how I wished my H would share, I don't really like to let it all hang out, either. In fact I share very little in real life. I mean I try to be emotionally intimate with my H, and wouldn't freeze him out, but it is not like I tell my friends are about my deepest feelings. Hmmm. In fact, I am always a little surprised when people seek me out, and they do. As they are telling me this stuff, I am thinking, I wouldn't tell YOU this.<P>I know so much about so many people (luckily I'm not a blabber mouth) it amazes me, sometimes.<P>Does that happen to you, too?

FHL, you don't realize what a tough question you asked about how I feel.<P>I don't want him home right now. I, who for so long, thought it would be heaven to be with him 24 hrs a day, would feel suffocated right now.<P>If you read my many posts recently, I also encouraged him to stand up for himself because he was being REALLY cheated on commissions. That is what resulted in his resignation.<P>I thought he could find some easier way to stand up to them, but now I realize that was the only way to get their attention. The good thing is they don't want to let him walk. We just haven't heard any specifics yet!<P>So Oct. 31 is coming, he will be trying to close sales, resolve his role/status and fly to Cozumel to join up with us.<P>I tell him all the time, things are never boring with him. <P>No, I don't tell ANYONE about my deepest feelings, so carefully testing the water to tell h more is very scary. People tell me things too, though now I spend more time online, and mostly don't have friends. Oh well!

Cindy, I forget, does anyone in your real life know about your H's affair?<P>I think I distanced myself from my friends this past year in part because I have worked less outside the home, but mostly because I felt I had this deep dark secret and felt like a fraud. Although I have never been one to talk about personal problems, my life was always such an open book, I really didn't care what people knew, there was nothing to hide.<P>Then there was. As it gets further behind me, I don't feel like that so much and I think I am beginning to reconnect a little.<P>I have read your posts, and I hope your H's job works out to your favor! What a way to get their attention!

Not many in my real life. I don't feel like I have this deep secret anymore either. It's more that I've been a SAHM for six years and haven't developed any real friendships. You know, I chat for ten minutes at the gym, stuff like that.

Psst...Cindy...I know this will won't come as a surprise...but dumone here took the personality test and he said he is an SJ.<P>Mine is a ISTJ...what was yours?

He is iNTj to my iNFp.<P>We at least have the i and the N. I remember how you've told me your h is soooo different.<P>Remember I worked as a CPA in the land of the iSTj. Boy, was I a fish out of water.

And I live in that land daily.<P>After the honeymoon year or so was over, it took me at least 5 years to get that he was a function of his personality and let it start rolling off my back.<P>If he wasn't such a well intentioned mild mannered guy, I'd have to hurt him <P>Give me a specific example of your iSTj friend. It always makes me feel better when I know there are others out there.

FHL - it wasn't a friend, it was a way of being that all my colleagues shared and I didn't. I can't even remember a specific one, but I would be pretty accurate if I copied the description from the site.<P>We were auditors - inspectors in every sense of the word. I found many had no personality. I had to change my writing style from creative to DEAD.<P>On another note, I don't want to start a new thread, but I could have written what Heartache did verbatim. I have been very depressed lately and seeking the will to reengage life.<P>I've been doing much better this week. I think a key is to realize I must mend the relationship with MYSELF. Make sense?

Yup...only have a minute...I posted a bit to you on dumone's thread.<P>I've been where you are...not with as much baggage, perhaps...yeah, I understand.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We were auditors - inspectors in every sense of the word. I found many had no personality. I had to change my writing style from creative to DEAD.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Guess I have more work to do on me than I thought

Hey, you were not supposed to see that <P>My H is anything but lacking in personality when you know him...and to know him is to love him...<P>But, well, er...um....he can be kind of clueless.<P>And he has the total inability to read between the lines...and he is actually proud of that....I could go on...<P>But we are REALLY not trying to insult your personality.<P>I choose my H for some of the very fine qualities that are strengths of his personalities...but I have to say that the romance of new love hide the true depth of the clueless side until we were well into marriage.<P>

OK...now I am feeling bad, and I was feeling so good after talking on the phone to H!<P>dumone, understand that some of us here have "known" each other for a year or more and have helped each other over some pretty rough patches. We've bonded. <P>And sometimes we are a little more lighthearted and chat a bit. We kind of feel like we know the whole family.<P>I apologize if it sounded like I was disrespectful either to you or my H. It was not my intention.<P>Many many times people here have laughed with me when I share something cluelessly funny about my H. <P>On the up side, if you really are a personality type like my H and your wife turns out to be my personality or close, I can give you some great tips!<P>We really really didn't mean to hurt your feelings!

I know, just when I was feeling good...Dont feel bad...you have helped me 10 fold with my issues...I know I am not the life of the party, I have/am working on the parts of me that you guys are referring to...I know what they are, I dont like them either...I'm doing what I can. Sometimes it just seems like rowing up stream with a spoon...give it all you have...still wind up drifting down river, the only differance? now your exhausted. I'm fine...the truth hurts, ya know.

First of all, I bet your wife fell in love with you BECAUSE you weren't the life of the party. I don't go for the suave sweet talking type, myself, luckily.<P>And if you had read everything I have ever posted, you would know that love my H completely.<P>Guess what, I am a complete scatterbrain. Organization escapes most areas of my life. I procrastinate. Plus I am way too sensitive. There are many many things I don't like about myself and I am continually working on.<P>We all have our weaknesses. No one wants you to change your personality.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B><BR>Guess what, I am a complete scatterbrain. Organization escapes most areas of my life. I procrastinate.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I better call home...I think your MY WIFE!<BR>

Oh...and I am as about as inefficient as one person could be. I don't sequence well. I can't remember rountines. I never do the same thing twice quite the same way. Do you know how many gas caps I lost over the years? Life would have been so different if I had known there was a little holder on the backside of that little trap door. My new van has one attatched...you know what? I looked in my side mirror driving down the highway one day and guess what was flapping in the wind?<P>I drive my H absolutely wild some days.<P>I'm not your wife...really I'm not, but I understand your wife...and I can say with great certainty that she has the ability to love you very deeply and completely. She longs to feel close to you again and all you have do is reach out and hold on.

Thats what I'm gunna do, I'm lucky to have her...we compliment each other. Actually, she said I have mellowed over the years.<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 27, 2000).]

<P>Good!!! Have a wonderful weekend!<P>Do you keep a running "to do" list? You must, anyway, leave it where your wife will see it and make sure her name is at the top of it!<P>I write my own name in my H's...many times he remembers to put it there himself.<P>He had mellowed, too. Most days.<P>