I've been seperated from my wife now for 2 months after my affair was discovered. After some serious soul searching and counseling,(not to mention a brief stay in the hospital for sucidal thoughts), I am ready to move on and get our marriage back on track. She on the other hand is not sure what she wants. There are times she seems like she wants to believe in me, and others she gets totally angry all over again. But she seems to be angry more often as time goes on. I thought the opposite would be true. Is this common? We both are in individual counseling. My counselor says not enough time has passed, my friends say she has punished me enough? Any thoughts out there?

Firemedic918,<P>It's great that you found MB and are willing to share. I am a betrayed spouse so I will share with you what your wife may be going through.<P>First off, what your wife is feeling from your betrayal is NOT punishment towards you! She is hurt and devastated by your betrayal. You've only been separated for 2 months, that is only a brief period in which you seem to expect her to heal. In my first two months all of my feelings were raw, I couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat or sleep, barely functioned at work. <P>Take the time to read the posts of others here who have been betrayed and you will learn that recovery is a long road. Firestorm was a wandering spouse who is now in recovery (2nd time), find his threads and read/learn from his experiences.<P>Second, listen to your counselor and not your friend. The length of time for healing varies from individual to individual, there is no set time for this to occur.<P>Third, how things heal is determined by how you BOTH communicate and meet each other's emotional needs. There is a period of anger, resentment, and bitterness especially if you expect her to just "get over it."<P>Remember that her trust in you has been broken; her self-esteem, her soul, her spirit and confidence has been shattered. She's broken at so many levels, that you can't even begin to imagine the pain, torment, sadness, depression your wife is experiencing. Whether your affair was a 1 night stand or longer, the hurt and destruction it causes is all the same. <BR> <BR>You'll have to work with her time frame, not yours. You both need to heal from this, but you will have to look at this as an "us" issue and not just what is happening to you. I say this because you shared things about where you stand and how you feel, but very little about what your wife is going through. <BR>Have you read Surviving an Affair yet? Perhaps you and your wife should consider counseling with one of the Harleys. It's a good sign that you want to work on restoring your marriage. I'm pretty your wife will want to work on the marriage also, but you will need to show complete remorse and prove to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage. <P>You can do this; glad you're here! <P>Blessings, MT

Hey - a fellow emergency worker! Cool!<P>Fire, I have experienced the feelings you are having right now. You are ready to come back home. Before I launch into a long-winded advice session, I gotta know some things (and so do you!) <P>1. What has made you decide to come back now, after all this time?<P>2. Do you intend to stay in contact with the person you cheated with?<P>3. Are you ready to accept the burden of responsibility for your actions before, during and following your affair that have hurt your wife?<P>These are some important questions that you really do need to ask yourself before you decide to come back. Although, I am happy to hear that you DO want to make things work! <P>You ask if what you are wanting to do is 'common'. Yes, it is common. And all of us who come here to post share the common thread of pain caused by betrayal. Here you will find people on both sides of the story - the cheated and the cheaters. Some folks here have even gone thru both. You will see that there is no time limit on the decision you are wanting to make.<P>As for your wife, try to put yourself in her shoes. I am willing to bet that the woman has been thru hell. Can you blame her for feeling a bit uncertain and untrusting? I have a hunch that your reunion will take some time to become complete. You both have a lot of rebuilding to do.<P>I said I wouldn't pile on the so called 'wisdom' yet but I do want to say this: <P>I believe that there is hope for the two of you. However, certain elements must be online before it can work out.<P>* You must be dedicated to make a renewed committment to her. Otherwise don't waste her time or yours. This means changing the kinds of behaviors that got you in the fix you're in. This includes keeping your promises and sharing your whereabouts.<P>* You should be prepaired to deal with and help her heal her intense anger and pain. This is the hardest part of all. My H and I are still going thru this almost a year and a half since I betrayed him and I suspect we will continue to do so for years to come.<P>* You must be willing and make sincere efforts at becoming a better mate than you were before. To put it in simple terms, make yourself a marketable package <P>I would like to know more about your story, fire. It will help you, too to come here and elaborate on the details of your affair - for instance, how long it went on, why it ended, why it began, what you put your wife through. I believe that there are several people here who would be happy to help you pull thru this, myself included.<P>I hope you write back to us soon, I see you as a shining star of hope ... I see hope for your marriage and I think you will find a lot here - you just have no idea how much yet <P>We're here for you,<P>Khyra <BR>

Fire,<P>One more thing I wanted to write here - my hubby and I were separated about 2 1/2 months after discovery as well when I decided that I wanted to come back. <P>WHat still sends chills down my spine is what he told me - that if I hadn't come back when I did,. he wouldn't have taken me back. Hell, I never thought he would take me back anyway, but I decided to risk it. <P>I knew it was time for me to come home. I felt empty inside - like someone somewhere was digging my grave (don't know how else to describe it). I wasn't getting the love form the other men that I got from my H. I missed his touch, his embrace, his voice, the way he made love to me. I was afraid I would lose him forever. <P>If I hadn't gone back to him, my little son wouldn't be lying on the floor, sleeping as I type this. My life would be so cold and empty. <P>Please try. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

Firemedic,<P>ManyTears is so right, unless your friends have a degree in Psychology, do not listen to them, and whatever you do, do not tell her that your friends say she should be over it and that she is just trying to punish you.<P>My H and I are about two months past D-day, and I too have felt that my anger/hurt/depression are getting worse. For a while I thought it was getting better, but then it started to get worse. My H's "friends" tell him I'm "abusing" him. And he's dumb enough to come back and tell me this. Let me tell you, until I literally reach down his throat, rip his heart out, spit on it, throw it on the ground and stomp it, as he has done to me, I'm not punishing him.<P>Give her time, give her patience, give her empathy, and give her love.

. Let me tell you, until I literally reach down his throat, rip his heart out, spit on it, throw it on the ground and stomp it, as he has done to me, I'm not punishing him.<P>Wow how true, how true, this is the way you feel when you learn that your loved one has betrayed you, death would be easier. Give her time. I have noticed that my H is a lot less appealing since he had an A. His was not typical but happened during a nervous breakdown. Still I have an awful time erasing the images and trusting him again. 90% of the time I don't know if I will stay and fight for the marriage or run like hell in the opposite direction. Good luck and if you are sincere in repairing the marriage, then work like H*** to let her know it. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Janie

Hang on buddy, you're going for a ride!<P>Yes, this is normal. There are going to be lots of ups and downs. As long as the anger is on the surface, it is good because it gives you something to work with. Mine was underground and believe me, the way it manifested itself was not nice! I wish I had processed it when it was fresh.<P>I think your friends and counselor are right, but a word of advice about the friends- leave them out of this. I know you need a support system, but come here. Talk to your counselor. Talk to your wife. Affairs happen because we create triangles with other people that leave our spouses out. We turn to those other people for advice, companionship, sex, and start to bond with them and tell them our problems instead of the spouse. You don't want that. You've already been there. <P>I needed to feel my H suffered. Maybe it wasn't right, but I did. I needed to feel he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I think once you kiss up a bit- and make it sincere- she will begin to let go of the anger. <P>You did a "bad" thing. You need to give it time. 2 months is not a long time. Just look at some people stories who are a year into recovery. It takes work every day. Those memories just don't go away. Trust is not rebuilt overnight. And people move at their own pace. Just because you are ready to move on doesn't mean she has to be.<P>So, hang in there and be patient.