My parents live quite far away, and hence we usually see them 2 or 3 times per year for vacations (here or there). I haven't told them much about my situation. They know we have problems, they know I'm committed to the marriage (thus that it is my wife that is not currently committed), but beyond that I don't give them weekly updates.<P>The only problem is they haven't spoken to my wife since she indicated she wanted to separate (June), even though she still lived with me till this past weekend. They also don't know that she moved.<P>The biggest reason is I don't want them to resent her if we work it out. Also, I just don't want to go into details with too many people, and would rather that they not worry about this. Perhaps not knowing is worse, I don't know.<P>What have you all done with telling parents or family?

Rick - gads, you've made me realize how sexist I am - I found myself thinking that if you were FEMALE I would strongly recommend that you get the support of your family. It has made a HUGE difference to me in how I coped and utlimately moved on. But since you were MALE, I thought, hey, handle it on your own if that's what you want . . .<P>Shame on me. I agree that the fewer people knowing makes getting back together much simpler. I only involved my mother and family when it became abundantly clear that we were separating and any repair to the marriage would be very long and involved.<P>Having said that, it was VERY difficult nearly managing it on my own (I did have a priceless sister for support) for the 6 months I did (especially while pregnant/new baby). <P>I don't think I am adding anything new - with family support comes opinions, judgments, etc like you mentioned. For myself, I had decided that the second batch of lies was too much and that I wasn't going to protect my H anymore. I think your situation, as I've followed it, is very different. <BR>Good luck Rick, and I will keep you in my prayers.<P>M.

Rick,<P>I sought out the support from my family after it became clear that my W "wanted out". This was before the discovery of A, so there was not really anything "bad" to say about her. Without their ears, I don't know what I would have done. When I discovered A, yes they were informed of this. She had already filed for D. But you are very lucky, I don't think I've heard mention from you of your W's ultimate intentions.<P>I believe that no matter who knows what, it ultimately doesn't matter, because the betrayer must come forth with a contrite heart, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I sometimes told my story to complete strangers just to get things out and get an ounce of sympathy from time to time. Before I learned of A, even strangers I spoke to for 2 minutes would ask, "do you think she's seeing someone else?" Even my FIL asked me this.<P>So, if you need support, this is a good place for that (duh). But I found telling my family brought me closer to them, something I felt was beneficial in my case.<P>If she comes back with deep regret for doing this, I think that others will not resent her. If they do, then they are the weak ones. She can't worry about what others think and let that impact her decision. If she wants to come back, anything others think will be irrelevent, just like having A in the first place, they don't care what others think about A (especially us), do they?<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited November 08, 2000).]

hey Rick,<P>The spooky thing in my case was that my MIL figured it out on her own. She came right out and asked my H! She proved to be an invaluable source of support for me and continues to be so. My FIL found out by a stranger. He called H and was supportive of his efforts of recovery. <P>I told my father that we were having severe problems, never what exactly. I couldn't do it to my H. You know how daddys want to protect their Ds. My mother pretty much guessed without ever being told what was going on, it was never discussed other than her saying, "I think this is happening....". She offered prayers and support to H. They have a good relationship.<P>My SIL guessed. She was also very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better family. I am truly blessed.<P>You may find some greatly needed support in confiding in your family. You know what type of people they are and can figure out which ones should know and which ones shouldn't.<P>take care,<P>cleo

Rick,<P>My parents know but not much & all for us working things out or whatever makes me happy.<P>My in laws. My H had told his mom that he was unhappy & wanted to leave, few months later she called & wanted to know what was going on, I gave her a bunch of bull. Then when she asked some more questions I told her the truth that her son was having an A. My in laws have been great to me but even though they told my H, they love him & care for him, they made it plan that they still love me. They made it plain that they didn't like what he was doing to me or our sons. Naturally my H blames me for him losing his family. On a side note the OW family has supported her in her pursuit of my H. <P>But if you need your family, tell them.

Thanks for the insight and experience. In my case, I don't wish to tell much to my family. Historically, they are not into talking much about feelings anyway, and like to stay at the surface and avoid touchy topics. They are wonderful, just that they don't deal with abnormal stuff much. To them, this is cut and dry. My wife should realize what she has and snap out of her new world. They don't relate to the fog and all that stuff. That is sort of why I just don't want to get into it with them.<P>On the other hand, the various ILs are totally supportive, and have pretty much guessed what is going on. They all support my efforts and hope for the same outcome as me. But I think if my parents knew what the ILs know, they would draw a conclusion and there would be some resent forever or for a long time (unfortunately). So I choose to not tell my family much. Also helps that they are further away.

Rick,<BR>My father is deceased and my mother (82) is living in an assisted home. She has been there almost two years.<P>So much has happened to me since she went to live at this place. She does not know about my H. If I told her, I'm not so sure she would comprehend. At first, I wanted to run to her and throw myself at her feet to help me. I have missed my mama so much, there is so much I want to tell her. But, when I think about it, I don't want her to harbor ill feelings for my H...she loves him so much.<P>My dad would kick H's butt if he were here, I guarantee you that much!!!<P>Cathy

The only member of my family that knows the full situation is my younger sister. I have a few friends who know as well, but family - no way.<BR>We just had my MIL living with us for two months, helping us out with the kids, and she doesn't even suspect that there has been trouble.<BR>

Rick<P>I have probably told about 10 people the 'full' story since D-Day 9 weeks ago. These people include my parents, brother, 3 closest friends and a couple of work colleagues.<P>I however requested that they should treat my W as if "nothing had happened" should she eventually return. I am actually quite a private person and never normally discuss any personal/marital issues with anybody.<P>However, it was only through sharing the details with "trusted" people that I could gain a further understanding of my situation and begin to make any sense of it. Yes some of these people have offered well-intentioned advice ranging from get a divorce now to beg/plead until she returns. At the end of the day, only YOU can decide which advice to take on board and which to politley ignore - You know your W better than they do! (or at least you thought you knew her!)<P>In my case, everbody that I have spoken to was completely amazed at what has happened as my W had never given anybody (even her own Mother and Best Friend) any indication that she was either unhappy or having an A.<P>I still believe that the reason that she left on D-Day was down to the shame and guilt of being discovered. Although I currently no longer broach the subject of "us" when talking with my W, when I have tried in recent weeks, she has not been able to give me any real indication of why she was/is unhappy and why the A started.<P>If I suggest a possible reason e.g. I have been a little depressed about my job for the last year, then she would cling to this and suggest it next time I asked, but she offers no reasons of her own volition.<P>I think before that we both mentioned that our W's are stubborn and my fear is that even if/when the A ends she would not come back due to guilt/shame issues. It is for this reason that I have specifically requested that people treat her the same when they see her in order to not reinforce any opinions that she may have about the dangers of returning.<P>Regards<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

My parents were devastated; they loved my husband like a son, and they were the ones who convinced me to try to reconcile. I was suprised by this.<P>I actually came home from Japan and stayed with my mom and dad, didn't tell them a single thing. My oldest daughter came along and told her Nana that "mom is looking for a job in Cascade." And mom said "Why? What about your husband?" After some beating about the bush, I finally had to tell them why I was lingering about their house, why my visit had officially become a "stay."<P>Mom sent me away to Seattle to try to catch an AMC flight to Japan with her blessings and encouragement, telling me that she felt very positive about things, that everyone messes up, that my husband is a good man who just made a mistake and that it was up to me to change things. I figured that after 33 years, it was about time to start listening to mom. This is one time that I guess she was wrong.<P>Now, 6 months later of waiting, she is in agreement with me, for a change. It has been heartbreaking for everyone, even for my parents, who adored him.

Rick - I have two situations.<P>First, I sought support from both family sides immediately. My family was actually relieved that maybe I could get rid of her because they felt she mistreated me for years. But when I explained that I wanted to try to keep the family together and the fact that my wife's mental state was likely partly due to unresolved grief over the death of our son in 8/99, they gave me unconditional support. My family is not physically near.<P>My wife's family is slightly different. We are close both physically and emotionally. One of her sisters observed some of the action first hand and immediately fled the situation, not wanting to get involved. I think it's not that she didn't care, perhaps she couldn't bear to see her sis in such a mess. I sought help from my in laws early on, but they wouldn't believe what I was telling them and my W had them convinced that we were separating because I was "abusive." They all know the OM somewhat because his family was so supportive of us while dealing with our son's illness. Slowly, they have grown suspicious and her other sister knows almost everything and is supportive. Her whole family is concerned that she has not communicated with them nor sought support and they suspect she needs help - but are taking the approach that she needs to realize it first - an apaproach I tend to agree with. I have not communicated with her parents for quite a while to avoid any allegations of "recruiting" - a big LB.<P>WAT

I told my MIL immediately because when we were engaged (and living together) he didn't come home one night and I called to see if he stayed at her house. When I finally found out the truth a week later, I called her. She was somewhat supportive in the fact that she shared her experience with me (her H slept with his ex-W 2 weeks before their wedding to "ensure the feelings were gone"). <P>I've kept our pastor in the loop since my H is still up to his tricks and it's taken it's toll on me.<P>I finally told my oldest sister who lives in a different state. She isn't judgemental although she thinks I should just get the marriage over with.<P>My other sister thought my H had too much baggage from the get go so she wouldn't be supportive if the marriage was to work out.<P>I finally e-mailed my mom (she's on vacation for the month) vague details. I had a week moment and wrote how we're struggling and it didn't look like we would recover. I didn't tell her about the cheating, lying and drug use. She never responded so I'm thinking her new pocket mail device is only being used to send out updates of their where-abouts.<P>My 3 best friends from high school also know, although it was months before I confided in them. One of them keeps telling me "you can't find Mr. Right with Mr. Wrong hanging around"! There's some truth to that I think.<P>I am going to tell my mom when she returns. My family has always been a strong source of support for me. They already saw me through one divorce so I guess this will be easy!<P>Good luck! I think you should tell your family, especially now that your W moved out. The support is there, don't suffer alone!<P>K

Rick,<BR>His family actually new about the A before I did! I told my family right from the start and they were devastated. This is something so out of character for him that noone could actually believe it. Everyone will have their opinions so be prepared for that. However, it has been so nice to have their support through all of this. As far as family members having hard feelings toward him...yes, definitely and they let him know it, too! Part of me wants to shield him from this, but then again, this is a consequence of his actions! This is affecting more people than just me and him. He needs to deal with it if this is what he wants to do! <BR>The way I feel is that if he really seriously wants to reconcile things with me, everyone will be EXTREMELY supportive of him and I! Until then, no go.<BR>AR<BR>

Gosh..I read through everyone's replies and I am very different. I have chosen for us not to tell anyone about his affair. The only people (in real life) who know are me, him and the OW (and her husband if she told him) and our counselor. I am hoping we can create the type of marriage relationship we should have and I hope we can grow old together. I wanted so bad to tell someone (he had an 8 month affair plus he has threatened to leave numerous times) but I did not want to take a chance on my daughter's (ages 6 and 8) finding out about the A. I look up to my father, I admire my father, I know that no matter what my dad would never do anything to hurt me and he would do anything for me. I want my daughters to feel that way about their father. I do not want them to know that their daddy had a 8 month affair with a slut he found on the computer. I just feel that, for us, it is best to keep the affair a secret and deal with it on our own. It makes it much harder for me but... in the long run... I feel it will be better for my daughters.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess everyone handles it differently. I agree that ideally I'd want no one to know about the A or any other details. However, in my case, some very close people actually told me they thought this was happening before I was willing to believe that it was true. Those people know, and a few other close friends know that there "might" be someone, but I haven't told them that I know alot more.<P>I just won't be telling about the A to anyone else, whether family, friends, or whatever. I've just chosen a few people that are very non-judgemental and would pretend like they knew nothing if we ever worked it out. I purposely don't tell friends that I know are more cut and dry and would have an attitude that I should let her go because of the A.

I have to go along with Cleopatra with informing the family. I received so much from my MIL and my widowed big sister. <P>Another sister's H (a co-worker) felt uncomfortable because I asked them not to tell my parents. After two weeks, and his threat to tell them, I called and the releif was tremendous. I just did NOT let them convince me not to try to repair it. I will be the last to call it quits (a first for me) and keep as close of ties to the IL's that I can, but only to keep a base. <P>If there is OP, jump into plan A and keep it up. My need for doing it is so I know I did all I could even though I started WAY too late. But you can't turn back the clock.<P>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

<BR>It depends on your own situation, I found out about my H A upon moving to another town, so I felt alone and it hurt like hell not to tell someone. I told many of my girls that I felt i could trust, After a few blow ups, I told my MIL, who was upset because she thought we were coochy coo happy.She can't believe her son did this and wants to speak with us both. H hasnt called her at all and hasnt spoke to my Mom in a year. Many of his male friends have been trying to reach him, but he hasnt talked to them. I've told a few of them some info, not all. I have my days where I'm suffocated with my thoughts and a friend was so helpful.it was a relief for me

Hi Rick! Just wanted to let you know that you are doing a wonderful Plan A. Keep it up!!!<P>In regards to telling family---my H's parents know everything, but only because he told them himself. My parents only know that we're having a hard time and that we were in counseling. Our counselor actually recommended that we NOT tell them details. However, my MIL has been one of my best supporters through all of this. It's really a tough call because you need as much support as you can get, but you also don't want to push your W away further because she feels like there's a lot of people that know.<P>It really depends on the dynamics of your family, too.....<P>God Bless You and Your Family!