Quick background - H had A with OW throughout my pregnancy. He finally ended it with her after the birth of our son & sent her a no contact letter.<BR>To make sure this stuck, I sent OW an email as well. The aim was to hurt her & get her angry at my H. She had confided in him about some personal experiences. Well I let her know that he broke her trust & told me. He was angry. She was angry. Of course there was further contact afterwards due to my email. He responded by lying & saying that he didn't tell me, that I just happened to find out. This tells me that he's trying to hold on to a damaged relationship & make it better. <BR>Anyway so now he wants me to apologize to her for bringing up her secret. Does that mean he's still in the fog? Does he just not get it?

My husband told me everything about her and them (I wanted to know). He even made a point of telling me things that "they" had agreed never to tell anyone (for example: that they "met" on-line). He said he wanted me to know so that I knew that he was serious about us working this out and he figured I would end up emailing the slut and letting her know that I knew those things. He (on his own) said that by confiding in me he was oficially ending things in his mind with her and he knew that if she found out that he told me those things then she would know that it was over and he was committed to me. Contact between the two of them (your husband and his slut) is not a good thing. MB's encourage total no contact. I would be concerned that your husband is being protective of the slut. The fact that he would expect you to apologize to her is (in my opinion) an insult to you. I don't have any advice except to say good luck.

no apology. He defintily doesn't get "it". Its possible he is still in withdrawal. Do they still contact each other. If that's the case then he should be writing another no contact letter. You shouldn't send one this time. Remember, you ended up with him. She was the loser. Addressing her only validates what they had.

if you are going to apologize, apologize to him for what you did.

Dear searching for hope,<P>If I remember correctly, your H gave you a 'one year' marriage trial to see if he will fall in love with you again. If that is so, then I am not surprised at your action and his reaction. Because it is very hard to manage on your own when you just had a baby and dealing with all the hormones and the adultery and a WS's withdrawal.<P>It is very difficult not to do things on impulse when you don't feel secure in your H's love and do not trust him. I know you are trying to make a final break between your H and the lowlife OW who is still clinging on. Looks like it revealed something that says that your H is still not totally committed and is taking you for granted. I have heard that this is not new, although I have never tried to contact the witch; the witch was the one obsessing over contacting me. I gritted my teeth and with the help of my family, tried to avoid her as much as I possibly could.<P>You and your H need to discuss the issues that you know are still unresolved. Please see a marital counsellor if you haven't been to one yet.<P>Please keep us posted.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep<P>

Everything gets so muddled when dealing w/affairs.<P>Don't think you owe her an apology unless, of course, she has apologized to you for the relationship she has had w/your H.<P>If anyone were to receive an apology, it would be your H. Under "normal" circumstances, if your H told you, in confidence, something personal about someone and you, in turn, used that info against them, most likely you would apologize to your H for breaking that confidence. This, however, is by no means, "normal" circumstances.<P>If your H is an otherwise good, honorable man, he could honestly feel bad that he was the one who revealed her secret. But, his lying about the fact that he told you leads me to believe that yes, he is still somewhat protective of her.<P>Seems that your best bet is to resume the no-contact on all sides.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened<P>

Searching, <P>Boy do I remember the times I wanted to do that, but it was not a good idea. Not to beat you up...<P>If contact was truly severed, you have reopened it, and made her look like the victim.<P>Again, I understand the feelings very well. But he is your problem, not her. He cheated on you, she was just one of thousands of available sluts out there.<P>You don't owe her an apology, but you may owe him one. POJA goes both ways. That's what stopped me from doing it, I agreed that he would first have to be enthusiastic about any letter I sent. So I never did.<P>The other thing is that he included the fact that I knew "everything" and had read all their emails in the no contact letter. That way worked for us, she never contacted him again. I would still like to hurt her sometimes, but I have better things to do...<P>We all make mistakes throughout this difficult recovery process.

Hi, Searching...<P>Double ditto on what Schizzo said. Many of us fall into the trap of focusing on the OP when it was our spouse that broke our trust. I harbor resentment and anger towards my W's OM, but I have never contacted him or even really said anything negative about him to her. It just wouldn't serve any constructive purpose.<P>You made a huge, but understandable mistake in e-mailing OW and now you reap the consequences. His defense of lying to her was caused by you casting him in a bad light. Whether or not he is holding on to her, you have put him in a defensive posture and he is going to respond accordingly.<P>Don't give in to these urges. He wrote a "no-contact" letter. Don't you realize that is a lot more than most of us have gotten out of our WS's? You are not going to be able to end the affair. Only one or both of the involved people can do that. Just do "plan A" and let the chips fall where they may.<P>I agree with Schizzo. You really do need to apologize to your husband. You made a mistake. Not as big as his, but you are not responsible for him, only yourself. She is also right that we all make mistakes in this ordeal. Learn and grow from your errors and move on with life.<P>--DeWayne--

IMHO, apologies are *warranted* to those you offend...and only when/if you are able to do so honestly and sincerely.<P>And, having said that, I sincerely apologize if my viewpoint offends anyone.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Sorry, I just think it is ridiculous to think that you should have to apologize to HER for ANYTHING.......did your H force her to apologize to you, for, oh I don't know, RUINING YOUR LIFE and trying to steal your H??????? My H pulled some of the same stuff in the beginning - nothing can be more infuriating.<P>Moving on - you know it was a mistake - just try not to do it again because, as you have learned, you are the one who will end up being hurt the most in that scenerio.<P>Best,<BR>Anne

The thing is we discussed this whole matter at the time that it happened about a month ago & he knows how I felt about doing it. The intention was to hurt the OW, letting her know that he betrayed her trust & it worked. Lately he's been bringing it up even though i have made it perfectly clear that i don't wish to discuss it. What I can't get over is that after everything he's done, he's actually judging me & won't let go of this!!! The OW worked with him, she quit a few months ago before our baby was born because she couldn't stand being around when that happnened. Each time things are going great between us, he ends of sabotaging it. The pattern has been that each time he blows it with me, it's because he's been in contact with her. Now it appears that she will be returning to work in 2-3 weeks' time & he says if she returns he's not quitting his job!!! Guess he thinks he can continue to play this game between the two of us. But i'm not going thru this again. Either he looks for work or he gets out. I'm no longer willing to hold onto him under the same circumstances that i had to put up with while my pregnancy - him swearing that the affair was over meanwhile it had continued all the way through.<BR>I go crazy with this sometimes - I can't imagine what things would be like if I didn't come across this website.

Searching for Hope,<P>I do not know much about your story but I wanted to reply to your thread, I hope you don't mind.<P>I don't think that this means that he is still trying to hold on at all. But I do think that it was a dangerous move sending her an e-mail of anykind. I would have been afraid that would have caused some kind of contact.<P>I think that it said alot that he even told you this about the OW. I think that it in itself was a compliment in that he trusted you with talking to you about her in the first place. And I think he feels as if you beterayed the trust he had in you.<P>I only say that b/c I think it is very important for our WS's to feel comfortable and not feel at all afraid of us in anyway.<P>As far as apologizing to her.... that is a hard one. If it had been someone else other than the OW, and we said something to them that hurt them.... we would more than likely apologized. But when it comes to the OW... that is a hard one to swallow.<P>If it were me... I know that I would apologize to my H for having put him in such an awkward position and making things complicated for him. And for betraying the trust that he obviously had in me for even discussing the matter with me to start with.<P>But I think that as hard as it is... I would try to do something. I am not sure what but if I was wrong for doing what I had done I would try to be the bigger person and do something. Probably in the way of another e-mail since that is the way the damage was done and since there wouldn't have to be any direct contact in it, if my H really wanted me to.<P>I know sometimes it is unfair and hard to be the good girl and the bigger person but sometimes we have to look at our goal for the future and swallow our pride.<P>If I did apologize through an e-mail.... I think I would let my H be a part of it so that he knows exactly what was said, in case there is any reply from the other side. I would just feel better knowing he knew exactly what was said, in case it was described to him in a way that wasn't accurate. Then he could say.... no she didn't say that because I was there.<P>Just my opinon.... good luck to you.<P>Genie

Dear Searching....<BR>I just read the reply you had before my initial post and it brought another point to mind.<P>You said that he keeps bringing it up and that have made it clear that you don't want to discuss it. I think that is a deadly move and here is why.<P>If you want him to play by the rules you have to do the same. Meaning that if something is bothering you and you want to work it out. You want him to give you your attention and to care about how you feel... right? Well, you must do the same for him. It is a 2-way street!!!! <P>If you want to make your marriage work, then do it with the tools that help save your marriage and not the ones that help tear it down.<P>I hope you are not offended by what I have said because I do know how hard it is and how much it hurts. But we can't play by one set of rules and expect them to play by another. <P>I really think that this is something that you should talk to your H about and let him tell you how he feels. It is important to the rebuilding process for each of you to be able to handle hearing unpleasant things about yourselves.<P>You H is obviously upset about this and I think that you are workign against yourself here by building up a wall between you and I think you can see that is dangerous no matter who is building up the walls. Please don't create more resentment in your marriage, believe me there is enough already.<P>Genie<P>

My H will have to understand where I was at when I sent that email. Yes it was after he sent her a 'no contact' letter but these were the terms I was expected to accept - that he would stay with me for one year for our son's sake, not for me & he wouldn't work on the marriage but he wouldn't cheat on me either. He wasn't willing to open up to me, to be honest with me, etc. to be or do any of the things that every relationship needs to survive. So I didn't have him. Besides he has been telling me since May that he's ended it with her & it was always a lie. How am I to know if he means it this time. He wants me to blindly believe in him.<BR>But you are right about one thing - this email has done a lot of damage - between the two of them. She has said a lot of terrible things to him because of it & he's PO. If I do the right thing then it can bring him closer to me. But as someone mentioned earlier, i can't apologize if it's not sincere & it wouldn't be sincere. I'm glad I hurt her - it may be wrong but that's the way I feel. It's my revenge finally!! I suppose I can come up with something that just short of an apology.

Nope----you don't owe her an apology--- although your H might take it as a huge LB if you don't.....<P>This is very sticky, strange territory---- your H confided in you things you hate hearing, and you reacted in the usual way....<P>I guess it comes down to wether or not we can really "hear" what our spouses need to say about their affairs....<P>I don't want to be "understanding" about anything concerning my H's affair.... I know he wants to talk about it, brings it up, etc, but I don't want to hear anything about it , and our counseling (even with the Harleys) has taken a dive because of this.<P>I just can't be kind or patient or understanding when he starts protecting her and talking about her like she was inportant.<P>I'm like the LAST stupid person who should try to give anyone advice, since my plan-A and my marriage is going down the toilet pretty fast, but you do NOT owe the other woman ANY kind of apology.<BR>Good luck. <P>

Here's MY suggestion...... for what it;'s worth!...(about a buck twenty-five!)<P>I sent my H's OW a letter saying "I forgive you"...... and she didn't even ask for it.<P>Don't apologize if you don't want to.... but I have to tell you this..... my forgiving "her" was the best move I made. ( I believe this only works if there is strict no-contact between them) <P>Once you forgive her (it doesn't matter if she's earned it, or asked for it) you are then open to forgive your spouse... and yourself too!<P>Talk this over with your husband. See what he says. Does your husband apologize easily? Has he made amends with those he has hurt yet? You can make this a "couple project".... make a list of those you both need to forgive.. and those you need to apologize to. Work together to get yourselves back on track.<P>Hope this helps even a little<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

I can't apologize to the OW under any circumstance nor can I forgive her. I don't feel the need to forgive her - she's not in my life. I just need to concentrate on forgiving him.<BR>As for forgiveness, my H doesn't thought about apologizing to the OW's H but then decided he's not the one who broke up the marriage. Obviously there was a problem beforehand, but he can't deny that his A with her contributed to the break-up. And he won't feel that I need to forgive the OW since he believes this whole thing has nothing to do with her. In fact he thinks if he remains in contact with her that it won't have any effect on us. They worked together & now it seems she may return in a few weeks. My H & I don't see eye to eye on this whole matter. He now would like to contact her to 'smooth' things over. The relationship has now ended badly because of email to her. He doesn't feel the need to have his A end with any animosity. Does he not understand how much it would hurt me if he did this? Why is he trying to smooth things out - to make sure she's still there if he needs her???

I called ow/ex-ow/ow (yes all the same person)yesterday and called her a wh**e. Get this-she was shocked. Makes me laugh now. Her h wouldn't even marry her when she got pregnant. Their son was over 6 months old when they did marry and that was on Dec. 31st to get a tax advantage. She makes sport of destroying people's lives and that name shocked her. Whew! H didn't insist on an apology as he knows it's the truth. He's just insisting on a divorce. I told him he won the booby prize and I thanked her for taking him and his problems off my hands. Her reply was that I had low self esteem. I told her six months with him and let's see what her self esteem is. If someone had high self esteem why would they need to get involved, pursue, make a fool of themselves, risk her marriage and relationship with son, if her self esteem is so high? Daughter said she's the one with self esteem problems and I agree. Two years and she's had 4 jobs. Tried to blackmail owners of job number 2 as they were having an affair and was shocked when she was fired. Clueless...

S for H,<P>You may not want to hear this but you did ask.It is this simple what is more important to you, your marriage or revenge? Only you can answer this question. You will have to live with the answer. Which one can you live with? It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. This is the bottom line. What is more important to you? Believe me I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some I wish I could take back. Your husband feels shamed by you breaking trust with him. Is this important to you or not. Only you can answer.<BR>I know he shamed you with the affair but he will have to make the decision to ask you for forgiveness. You cannot convince him of it. Remember he is the one wanting to leave. <BR>What is more important to you? None of us have to live with your choice. That is why you are the only one that can make the decision.<BR>God bless you,<BR>gentle