Hi all<P>It's now been 11 weeks since my W left on D-Day and 4 weeks since she found a house to rent.<P>I was seeing her most days as she was collecting the kids from school and returning them to the house where she stayed with them until I got home.<P>However, she has now voluntarily increased her working hours and as such can no longer collect the children. A childminder is now collecting them and keeping them until I can pick them up at around 6pm.<P>This is proving to be a little unsettling for the children but I think that they will adjust. The larger concern is that they will now have minimal contact with their Mother. In fact it may be worse than that because my W is of the opinion that we should alternate weekend care of the kids. So in its worst case she could go for a stretch of 12 straight days with no contact with the kids.<P>This is a big concern for me. Although I will naturally be there for them (they have stayed with me overnight for every night since D-Day except one), I am not happy about her apparent ambivalence towards seeing them - she was/is an exceptional Mother.<P>There is still nothing "legal" between us and I do not want to be the instigator of any separation agreements / Divorce etc.<P>At the moment, I am just plodding along day to day with some days worse (a lot worse) than others. I suppose it is almost Plan B in reverse (she is Plan B'ing me)<P>Whenever we have spoken in the last few weeks it has been purely on the subject of kids / practicalities but not "us". I have not raised the subject of "us" or "our relationship" in over a month. When I did this for the first 6 weeks, it seemed to antagonise her and make her more negative.<P>I am just not sure how to interpret the current situation. I am hoping that her absence from the kids may help to "lift the fog", but at present she seems to be living the single life and loving it.<P>I don't initiate any contact by phone unless its kids-related and am generally keeping my distance and waiting for something to change.<BR>I am trying to change myself in the meantime but at present have no real opportunities to show her any changes or meet any EN's apart from Childcare/Family stuff.<P>Is there anything that I should actively be doing other than waiting and not initiating any contact? I kind of envy some of the guys on here whose W did not leave straight away. Mine literally "bolted" upon being confronted about her A and is also a stubborn person who may not come back when/if the A ends.<P>I think somebody else mentioned in an earlier post that they have the feeling that their W wouldn't come back anyway because of the guilt that they feel for what they have done (had an A) and that they do not wish to face up to it and try again.<P><BR>Rambling again - sorry!<P><BR>Any advice appreciated as always.<P><BR>HarryHat<P><p>[This message has been edited by HarryHat (edited November 21, 2000).]

Harry H - I think you're doing it exactly right - as long as there are no LBs. If she was a loving mother before, it seems this phase will last only until the novelty wears off - as you say, living the simple life and enjoying it. Let her get it out of her system. I bet she misses the kids, if not you, and they are your biggest asset right now. I agree with not contacting her too much, but you may have success inviting her out to dinner with the kids (don't know their ages) or inviting her over for dinner. This has worked for me to get opportunities to display changes in me.<P>I get the same reaction when I raise questions about "us", so like you, I don't do this anymore. The time will come. PTC. We are in very similar places. Keep plodding.<P>WAT

HarryHat,<P>I feel the same way. Some days OK, some not so OK. Mine doesn't want a separation agreement either, has been living alone for 3 weeks now, and hasn't seen the kids alot. She now wants to introduce them to our separation this weekend. Not going to be fun.<P>Like WAT said, maybe you can just use time together with the kids to try and maintain your Plan A things. I know it is hard. I'm finding that as well now. Your post could almost be mine.<P>I think you are doing the right things. Unfortunately, this takes too long to unfold. I think all we can do is wait for the novelty of this new life to wear off. It seems that it usually does, although it is hard to focus on that and just wait.

WAT, Rick<P>Thanks once again for replying to my post. <P>WAT - You are right that maybe I should just keep taking one day at a time and not initiating any contact. Just sometimes it feels as though the situation is passing you by and you may be missing a key opportunity to do something positive. I haven't really thought about asking her round for a meal, I just sense that she wouldn't be particularly receptive to this as she is currently trying to prove her independence.<P>Rick - You are so right about the length of time that this situation seems to take. 11 weeks have felt like a lifetime to me yet in comparison with many people here who have "waited" for over a year, it is not that long at all.<P><BR>I have a small update in that I collected the kids from the childminder at 6pm last night and arrived home to find that my W was there and had clearly been there for some time as she had made dinner for the kids and done some cleaning around the house.<P>This is odd! - Why didn't she collect the children first before going to the house? She stayed for about 15 mins after we returned and then left for "home"<P>I expect she must be feeling a little guilty as this was the first time that she had seen or spoken to the kids since 6pm on Friday.<P>(Will have to try and stop analysing and second-guessing her actions/motives - it's driving me mad)<P>Thanks again for the help.<P><BR>HarryHat

Harry - I'm also very guilty of trying to analyze every movement. It does drive you nuts. Also, it's far too easy to be wrong. Nonetheless, I (we) will probably continue to do this anyway - we're hard-wired for it. So let's just try to remember that whatever we conclude, the opposite may also be true, and not act on the conclusion until we can be damn sure of one. Your wife's dinner preparation and cleanup is far too removed from the real issues to make conclusions about. These type occurences I write off as "foggies." Actions driven by their foggy brains, not yet returned from the alien abductors.<P>WAT