My H left last Tues. and he just took my 3 little boys to see his new townhome for the first time. They are all excited because he has presents waiting for them. Everytime I think the pain can't get worse it does. It feels like it is ripping my insides out.<P>How can it be fair that he can never indicate there was a problem, have an A, refuse to give our 17 year marriage another try, and then still have the right to take my kids away, even for a little time???<P>H keeps wanting us all to do things together this weekend "for the kids sake," but every time we do that and then he leaves again etc., I die again inside. Then I feel guilty, with some help from him, that I'm not being a good mom when I'm not jumping at the chance to all be together. What do you think? I'm not in Plan B yet, but I hurt so bad that I really can't Plan A right now. I've kept my pain hidden so long and deep from him that I can't get past the thought that H "deserves" to see it.<P>His brother and family are arriving tomorrow and staying at or house. We will be celebrating an early Christmas with them. They do not know anything yet. I don't think I can pretend all day. If I leave it up to my H, he will probably wait unitl the end of their visit, if then, to tell them. Would it be selfish of me to mention it to my SIL early in the day? There is a good chance that my 5 year old will bring it up anyways?<P>Intellectually I know that this pain will not literally kill me, but it is so deep and physical it is scary. Usually I can feel God's arms around me when things get really bad, but it is harder today.

The hurting is incredible. I know. Hang in there, maybe go see your doctor as well. As a father myself remember that he will always be their dad, the kids need to come out of this alright. So please don't withhold time with them.<P>What he did isn't right! But remember the kids need time to figure it all out too.<P>Hmmm, about the visitors.. I wouldn't worry to much about telling them. I have a feeling they will feel something is amiss soon enough. Plus kids are known to talk about all kinds of things. So plan on the kids telling them before either you or your Wayward Spouse do.<P>Remember to be nice, don't withhold talking to them about it if they ask. You haven't done anything wrong, don't beat yourself up about it. Plan A, it's hard. It's all hard<P>My prayers go to you.<P>J

Dear Exhausted,<P>I empathise completely with your feelings. I hope that your H has cut off contact with the OP. If not, you would need to ask him to stop seeing OP, and go for marital counselling.<P>I know about wanting to stay miserable and punishing WS for hurting me in such a manner. Please do this by setting aside the time to grieve and sob and not let the kids see you in such a manner. I was distraught and crying all the time in front of baby and it did affect the precious little bundle when photos showed that baby had such sad eyes. Brought her to a healing ministry where I was healed of emotional trauma and baby was healed too.<P>Before the healing at church, I was all violent, abusive, suicidal ,etc..Now the pits of fire and anger and bitterness have disappeared. I have to work on recovery and sort out the issues with WS.<P>I hope you can commit this to God. For me, third party intercessions helped tremendously at a time when I was fatigued, angry at God, and too low to pray. Miracles upon miracles took place in my life and they are so tangible it must be from the prayers of pastors and my family.<P>AS for your support, you can find it in your family but I doubt from his side. My family knew and supported, his family was told by the witch OP and they pretended nothing happened and kept out of our way.<P>So, you don't owe anyone an explanation, just try to enjoy the kids and the birth of Christ. <P>Commit your H to God and pray for hedges of protection around him and your marriage so that no OW can get to him and vice versa.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

Forgot to say that I also told my spouse that what he did was 'scary' and that 'he scared me'.<P>It just shocked my heart to think that he is capable of such a lascivous act. It was scary to picture his lust and irresponsible behaviour. I lost all respect for him.<P>Is your SIL trustworthy and sympathetic? How about your BIL? Think about whether you should tell them. If your son brings it up then it is easy to tell them because it is OUT. If not, it can seem awkward unless you are close as sisters.<P>Cheerio.

Don't stress yourself out more trying to cover for your husband with his family. If the idiot wants to move out on you and the family and then expects you to cover up for him so he can feel good during the holidays, tell him where he can go. It is a real tough time your going through, but you will get through it. Take care of yourself during this time. Eat right, sleep and rest when you can and get help. Have you seen a councilor yet? Let your husband take care of your kids at times, and when he does, do things for you. The key to getting through this time is to find the strong person within yourself. You need to know that whatever happens, you will come out of this a better and stronger person. It's tough to see it now, but you will. I and many others have been where you are and I want you to rest assured that things do get better. Believe it and live it. Don't live your life now trying to cover up for your husband. He made his bed and now he needs to lie in it. I also wouldn't fall into the trap of trying to ignor what is happening with your husband in order to protect the kids. The only one that will be protected is your husband. The more you protect him from the reality of what he is doing, the longer he can continue the fantasy. Be strong and take care of yourself.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim

{{{Exhausted}}}...<P><B>You</B> are loved...<P>Take this {{{{{{hug}}}}}}} and keep it with you...<P> <P>Jim

JUst wondering how you made out? Know that prayers were being sent your way. <P>Sort of hope your kids ratted on your H to his brother.

Dear Exhausted,<P>Stop doing for your H! It seems as though your H didn't want the "family" picture so to speak so why feel guilty for not seizing those moments now. He has torn your family apart by moving out - he needs to deal with the family differently now - because that's the choice HE made, not you.<P>As far as his relatives, HE needs to do the explaining not you! Tell him HE needs to take responsibility for HIS choices!<P>Good luck and God Bless!<P>Karen

Exhausted,<BR>Yes, it is possible to hurt this much and not die. I am lucky. I have family and friends who care about me.<P>Is it fair? Could it be FARTHER from fair?! <P>He does whatever he wants.<BR>You have to play by the rules.<BR>He lies.<BR>You have a personal policy never to lie.<BR>He gets to pretend it never occurred to him that what he did would hurt you.<BR>He gets to say it's not cheating if it wasn't physical.<BR>He gets to think he did nothing wrong.<BR>He gets to benefit from your plan A while he gives you nothing.<BR>He gets to give you phony affection in front of his coworkers so he looks good.<BR>He gets to say whatever he wants, no matter how hard it hurts.<BR>He gets to turn his love off and on like a faucet.<BR>He gets to turn his committment off and on like a faucet.<BR>He gets to keep it all to himself because he "needs time."<P>And I get to take it.

Dear Louisa,<P>Thanks for your poetry. I do have friends and family that love me and are constantly praying for me and it has kept me sane. This weekend, however, was probably the most painful of my life. The good news is that I feel a lot better today -- stronger and more loved.

Louisa, you've put into words what I've felt for so long! It's amazing how my H can do what he does without fear of consequences.<P>Exhausted, I'm glad to hear you're feeling much better. Take care of yourself and keep sharing the good and the bad here!<P>Karen