My wife has been having an EA/PA with another man. I found out about it through emails and cell phone calls, notes I found, etc. She has denied anything is going on with him, but acknowledges she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore. She has agreed to go to counseling, but wants to go by herself for now. At this point, as far as I can tell, she thinks I do not know about the A and has never admitted anything to me. I have been plan A'ing for a couple weeks now and praying, but she continues to see him and not tell me anything. My question is, should I tell her I know or should I just continue working on myself and plan A?

Scotch - first of all, don't act on my advice alone - consider all the responses you get. Have you read SAA? Since you mentioned Plan A, I assume you have.<P>You said she has denied anything going on with him, so you must have confronted her already?<P>Has she started counseling, or just agreed to go. Since she said she would go just by herself, be suspicious of her sincerity.<P>If you haven't confronted her with evidence already, you must have pretty good control of your emotions. If you can hold off a little, I recommend you schedule a counseling session with the Harleys ASAP to get professional advice. Absent that, if I were you, I'd look for an opportune moment to show her you evidence, but be ready for denial and self preservation on her part.<P>Get ready for a rollercoaster ride, and good luck. You'll find lots of support here.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited November 29, 2000).]

If you do in fact know (from e-mails and cell phones), I would go ahead and tell her that you know. Do it calmly, matter-of-factly, without trying to trap her in a lie (i.e. don't ask her, just tell her). Also, don't volunteer how you know, just leave it at the fact that you do know.<P>Now, having said that, you're being vague in <B>what</B> you found out from the e-mails. Are they flirting, or is it clear that they are physical? You need to be sure of the evidence prior to confronting, otherwise you won't be very convincing.<P>Just for your info, I suspected my W was in an A for over a month. I finally asked her, and got the most "honest" speech about how she would never do something like that to our marriage (she simply wasn't in love with me, but it was just "our" issue). I tried to believe her, but being neither blind nor stupid, I didn't succeed. So I pulled a Linda Tripp and got an earful of the most sickening, gut wrenching conversation I could ever imagine. Next day I told my W that I know about the situation. She tried to ask how, tried to find excuses, but my complete confidence quickly broke her down. Anyway, my point is, make sure you're right in your suspicions before you confront, OK?<P>AGG

I think you have gotten some good advice. Giving Steve Harley a call is a good idea. I think you should be honest with her about what you know. Get into some counciling on your own even if you wife isn't going. Best thing you can do. Work on your self and take care of your self. Things will work out. Takes time and work, but it can be done. Follow your heart.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.

From what I found it is very clear that they are having PA. I am thinking I am going to tell her because I think that as long as she thinks I don't know, she thinks she's still "getting away with it" and will continue. If she knows I know it may be less exciting and weigh more on her conscience. I am questioning her sincerety as far as the counseling visits go, as she has not started yet. She did say that she called for an appointment and they will be getting back in touch with her with an exact day and time. Sounds kinda fishy to me. I told her that if she doesn't want to go to joint sessions then I also want to see a C myself. When they call back I told her to set up an appointment for me, too. That way we could get same counselor and go one after the other or get seperate C and schedule at same time so we could drive together/meet at the office. Hopefully that will encourage her to actually make the appt.

Hi Scotch,<P>Well, since you are sure of the situation (and I know how much it must hurt), I would waste no time in telling her that you know. Like I said, don't be judgemental or angry, just tell her calmly.<P>Be prepared for any reaction (anger, accusations, or even nothing). It will take lots of time to work through the aftermath, but you need to take the first step, which is to inform her of your knowledge. It has to be the first step to recovery. Just don't expect things to get better right away; they probably will get worse first, since you will have ruined their little fantasy life...<P>AGG

Scotch:<P>How's it going? What did you decide?<P>Hang in there. --HBC

Thanks for all the responses, and thanks for asking HBC. I decided to tell her what I knew. I figured if she thought I was unaware she would be able to continue 'basking' in the goodness of both and having all her EN met. At first she was kind of upset and confrontational about it. I just remained calm and explained my feelings for her, and how her actions made me feel and made sure she understood I am committed to changing to be the H and father she wants and needs. I'm not sure yet if it will have a positive effect or not, though. She's so in the fog that she says she doesn't know if she even wants to try. She did agree to counseling again and said she would make a real, honest effort for a few months before doing anything drastic. That was Sat. morning. I was feeling a little better. But then that night she went out with co-workers and met up with OM and stayed out all night (came back 8am). We (W, 2yo D, and myself) went to church Sun. morning with her parents then I had to go to work. Found out she called OM and had him over at our house with her and my D Sun afternoon. Looks like this could be a long ride.....

{{{Scotch}}}:<P>I'm sorry to hear of your pain. I wish I could tell you that it would get better quickly, but I'm afraid I can't.<P>I'm glad that you found this forum to talk about what you're going through. It's no fun, but there are a lot of good folks here who can help you get through it.<P>It sounds as though you did all the right things with regard to D-day. I wish I had been so calm! <P>Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing. <P>All the best. --HBC