More than anything in the world I want the people that my H and ow work with to know they are screwing around. I have known the heads of his company for many many years, partied with them, raised our kids together...and H says none of them know about him and OW. I've known OW for 20 years too. <BR>Has anyone ever dared to let the cat out of the bag? Did it backfire? Was it worth it? <BR>Just a note...this is a pretty conservative firm and it would not go over well at all. The people there like me a lot, and were devestated when H left. He didn't tell about that for months either. I don't think anyone is in jeapordy of losing their job...but I'd like to see the respect given to my H dissapear.<P>Feeling spiteful, but damn it'd feel good to do this.<P>allison

H is OW is a co-worker & every one accepted them. MOst think he is a nicer person with her, at least that is what he tells me.<BR>

It all depends on whether or not you are still hoping to reconcile with your husband. I know in my own case it would be devastating for my wife if I spilled the beans to everyone at her company. The OM works for the same company as she does. Like with your H, it is a conservative firm and it would not go over well. It would be a MAJOR LB if I was the cause if it getting out in the open, so I am keeping my mouth shut.<P>In your case, I don't know. Just thought I would give you my two-cents worth.<P>-HD

Hi Allison! This is a tough call. My H is the OW's supervisor, so they would have both gotten fired if their superiors would have found out about it. My counselor actually said that it is a good idea and a lot of times ends the A. However, I know where my bread is buttered and did not do that.<P>You could always make it very anonymous, though. That could be fun!!! <P>Best of luck.....

Thanks guys.<P>Sing...don't believe it for a second. I'm sure they are the office gossip big time. It's amazing what they'll come up with to justify this crap isn't it?<P>Hurting...yep, the mother of all LB's, and I am in the mood for it, but I must be a grown up here...and I need the money.<P>Lil...I've thought about the anonoumous thing, but don't know how I'd pull it off. I do think their affair would wilt in the light of day, but it would be so obvious if I tried to do this annonomously. Any ideas?

Oh so tempting.<P>I am sort of friends with some of his coworkers and spouses. I am so tempted to happen to run into one spouse at her place of work and ask if it is obvious around work what is happening with H and OW.<P>So far I have resisted and I really think people there probably know. Because I remember in the past, my H would come home and tell me about who was having an affair at work. And from the things I know they did from my snooping, I would guess that their affair is not so secret either. Of course my H in his little denial land probably thinks it is.<P>I wonder tho Allison. Those longing glances and flirtations at work are not so easily hid. Do you think they could know already?<BR>Lora

I used to work at the same firm as my H and his OW. I am probably closer to many of the people there than H is even though I left 6 years ago when we had kids. We too used to know when someone was fooling around so I have always suspected that someone there knows about H and OW. <P>In fact, my former secretary, OW's good friend, called my mother anonymously to let me know what was going on. When I later told H about it, he told me that she had guessed and OW had confirmed it so it must be noticeable to people.<P>In a way I would love to have everyone know and come down on H big time, but I don't think that would help reconciliation hopes. My H is so concerned about what others think that he made a big deal that we had to drive to our first marriage counselor session together in case the counselor was looking out the window and saw us arrive in separate cars! (This after he said he was going to divorce me!)<P>Allison, I agree it would feel great to spill the beans, but I don't think it would help your chances of reconciliation. On the other hand, if it were me, I wouldn't lie about it if directly asked by someone at your H's work either.

Hey Allison,<BR>One I can comment on from experience. I did not directly tell the supervisor, he figured it out during a totally innocent conversation that we were having one afternoon when I called to talk to my H, and found out that he had lied to me about where he was going and had actually spent the day with OW while on dept business!<P> Anyway, as I said he figured it out and I just confirmed it. His response was that there was nothing that he could do about it unless her job performance was affected! Also told me that there had been some inuendos from others that worked there that they thought 'something' was going on between the two of them. I have found that everyone usually knows just chooses to ignore it. My H even told me that once about someone else, too bad that he couldn't remember his own words!<P>But what a bunch of crap I was told...your secretary is having an affair with one of her superiors and there is nothing that they can do about it!! I think that he just didn't WANT to have to do anything and hoped that it would just go away. <P>Me and my big mouth would probably have at least talked to her and perhaps my H about it and laid down the law about their 'dates' on company time but that is just me. <P>Anyway that is my two cents worth...nothing ever came of it that I know of, but my H has relocated his office. I guess things are moving in the right direction...just very slowly!

Uh...back in my pro-wrestling days, when my best friend worked with us, I found out that she had slept with my H (we were only dating back then, it wasn't *serious*, but she knew I was starting to fall for him big time, and they slept together). She worked at a department store where I was VERY popular - she was kind of an introvert, but she was a wrestler also, so subsequently, we bonded and were good friends. She was jealous of me, constantly copied what I did, and one night when she, myself, and future H went out partying, she slept with him - TWICE - with me sleeping in the next room.<P>I found out about them sleeping together from another gal that worked there whom we were both friends with. I was off, she was working. I found her in the stockroom of the store, and she tried acting all buddy-buddy with me. Before I knew what I was doing, I beat the hell out of her. Y'all, this woman was 6'1" and 195 lbs, compared to me at 5'8", 138 lbs, and I ended up busting her nose and cracking a couple of ribs. A crowd had gathered around us (fortunately, there were no customers as this was in the back), and the three security people who pulled me off of her were also good friends. I got up calmly, said "that b*tch slept with my boyfriend," and as I walked off, heard our coworkers going nuts, saying "no she didn't!" and "how drunk WAS he to get in the sack with that slab of meat?" Everybody backed me up on that, and I wasn't even arrested. All of us lost our jobs, subsequently, but her reputation was so trashed, she ended up moving home to Indiana!<P>Was it irrational and immature - probably. But it sure does feel good knowing the slut got what she deserved!

Carolina Belle...you are my hero girl...what a great story. I can only imagine hurting OW, cuz I'm a big WUS, but in my mind...I'm breaking her nose in a storeroom.<P>allison

Hi. <P>I have a slight twist on things. My h's affair with a longtime coworker turned out to be one of 3 affairs that she had at that office.<P>My h. found out that she was 'cheating' on him with the CFO, or cheating on the CFO with him...hard to tell which.<P>OW got tired of juggling and knew which side her bread was buttered (partnership coming up...hers or my husbands), so she planted all her emails and love cards from CFO for my h. to find, thinking that he would either get more romantic and fight for her or give up. <P>She didn't account for his temper and jealousy. My h. made copies and then confessed to me. (I'd had evidence for months). Over the course of the next few months, we decided to give our marriage a year (I wanted more time for Plan A to work).<P>I also got copies of all the stuff myself, as well as the originals of the CFO's cards to her. They are in MY safe deposit box.<P>This has been immensely helpful in keeping her away from my husband at his new job...as well as giving me tremendous power over her. I don't need to use it, just have it. <P>Word has finally gotten around the whole office and she has been asked to resign. She did, but not without taking a hefty settlement from their 'sexual harassment' insurance money. <P>Get this, she screwed 3 married coworkers, she's married too...and she managed to walk away with a year's salary...and her husband still doesn't know anything.<P>This too gives me tremendous power.<P>Stranger than fiction? you tell me.<P>In answer to your original question, I kept the info as leverage over her and it has kept her far away from us...<P>I am usually a very 'shy' and 'sweet' person on the surface, so this power trip was a boost to my healing...<P>just my nickels' worth.<P>lizpearl

Hi Az,<P> I was in a similar situation where my H was convinced that "noone knew"....I couldn't stand the thought that we were moving away because of it all and everyone in the dept. thought we were just leaving. I offhandedly told one of the dept. people that I was so sorry we were leaving and implied that they knew why....that we hated to leave but had to.<P>They really didn't know about the A but I said that I just assumed everyone knew since"these things always get around" . The person assured me she wouldn't tell (yeah right, that's why I picked her ,I knew once she was told, there would be no "secrets"!).<P>We moved and the next thing I heard was the OW was quitting her job....hmmm.....wonder if she felt some bad vibes?!!....<P>I felt a little guilty being so passive aggressive but hey, facts are facts!....LU

Hi Allison,<P>How are you doing?<P>Well, you know from our conversation on the phone that I think you should sit on revealing your H's affair to his business associates. <P>I tell ya, I would very much want to tell .. but knowing your H would eventually find out it was you who disclosed it could be the staw that breaks the camel's back. Don't you think he'd be extremely angry with you? I mean ... he deserves to feel the disgust he'd experience from their disapproval but I believe that eventually the truth will come out on it's own, Allison. It always does.<P>I've racked my bran trying to figure out a way you could anonymously let them know and I can't come up with anything. Everthing I come up with points to you. Dang!<P>I hope you decide not to tell ... I know in my heart that it's eminent they will find out ... I also feel that there are probably people (including his boss) who may already strongly suspect they are having this A. <P>Think about it, whenever I hear that a couple has seperated my very first question is "Is there third party involvment?" or "Is the WS having an A?". I think most people think like that too. So, don't you think most of the people at his work aleady suspect it? I can't imagine that he and OW are able to hide their interactions all together (gazes at one another, lunches together, ect.)<P>Please post back to me or call me, Hon. I would love to know how you're doing. I'll be home and on the board off/on all day today (Sunday).<P>Love,<BR>Jo

My husband's whore was a low life scum bag, speed freak. He was her boss. He always believed she would keep quiet about screwing around. She couldn't keep her mouth shut, told a co-worker, and when the co-worker got pissed off at her she called my husband's boss. I didn't have to do anything other than wait for it to explode on it's own. He got fired for it, she got fired about two months later for being an idiot. I wrote a letter on behalf of another employee who was wrongfully fired, and made mention of some of the other idiot things the whore did that helped sealed her fate. The drug inforcement people were even watching her and that really made her nervous. I'm glad it played out the way it did because I felt that we couldn't get back on track until he didn't work there anymore.<BR>We are doing a lot better as it has been a year and a half since he worked at the other place. Bottom line, somebody else just beat me to the punch.

OOOOHHHHH- saw this topic and HAD to reply. My H had his A with a subordinate coworker some 7 years ago while I was at-home with our then almost 2 year old son. When I found out about it via his admission, I called his Mom and his boss. Thought they should know. The boss I asked to come to my house - he did and I told him everything. Now I wonder where I got the "balls" to do that. Anyway he seemed surprised but nothing much came of it.....I think I was hoping someone would have to account for their inappropriate actions - but nobody got fired. He apparently went to them separately and asked them questions to which they denied, denied, denied....(like all cheaters) and then what could he do? <P>Anyway, my advice, from There and Back - is do what feels right to you - I really have to tell you and it may be a major LB = sometimes doing what feels like justice feels really good - and maybe, just maybe us wronged spouses deserve it from time to time....it didn't accomplish a whole lot for me but it felt very GOOD. By the way, we are back together and HAPPY now. That may have been my only little piece of vindication throughout the entire hellish ordeal!<P>Good Luck!

Oh Alias you and I think alike. Just this weekend I had a bonfire ritual burning all the letters and the book SAA ( now renamed Farenheit 451)that OW had given my H which he in turn gave to me for some unknown reason. It felt so good, and when H asked what I was doing I told him I was releasing the words to go back to the one who had written them and that I was also letting go of all the hurt, anger, etc that I had carried for so long. And surprisingly enough it has worked. But I was smart enough to make copies of all the stuff and it is safely tucked away in my mothers safety deposit box! You just never know...on the p lus side OW is now looking for a new job...maybe she is going to finally be out of our life for good!