Hi<P>It's been a while since I've posted. I don't see any familiar names here, so I know that most of you won't know/remember my story.<P>Short version of my story:<P>I had on online EA end of 1998. The online EA ended in a weekend PA in early 1999. When I came home from meeting the OM in person, I cut-off all contact with OM. I struggled for a year and a half as to whether or not I should confess to my husband. I was NEVER going to tell him. I thought that what I had done was between me and God. I justified my reasons for not telling him. But, God changed my heart, and through prayer and counseling, I got the courage to tell my husband. I confessed to him on October 13th, 2000. At first, he was hurt, angry, etc. He sought Christian counseling immediately. He chose to forgive me and to work things out. We've both read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair.<P>My husband and I have chosen to work this out through Christian counseling. No one knows that I cheated except for God, our counselor, and those here at the MB Boards. We've chosen to keep this to ourselves...not even our closest friends/family members know about what I have done or what we are going through. My husband didn't ask me to leave. But, I did sleep on the couch for several weeks at his request. <P>My husband is still struggling. When I ask him to talk to me about what he is struggling with, he always gives me the same answer which is, "Forgetting." The word "FORGET" scares me. There is very little that I have forgotten. I can still remember what I wore on the first day of school from kindergarten through college. <P>Our counselor (we don't attend together) told me that I won't ever forget but, one day the memory of what I have done will be so far away that it will seem like it happened to someone else. He said that it will be like that for my husband (over time) as well. I try to keep in mind that I've had a year and a half to deal with all of this stuff -- my husband's had two months.<P>I'm still struggling with forgiving myself for inflicting such a horrible pain on such an amazing person. I haven't contacted the OM since 1999. But, here lately, I've started to have the urge to contact him again. I think I feel the need to contact him because he's one of the few that know about this situation. I WON'T contact him. I'm just being honest with what I'm feeling/thinking right now. I think that it's very strange that it's been so long since I've seen/spoken to/contaced the OM and all of a sudden I have this need to contact him. UGH.<P>My husband has been compassionate towards me. He said that one of the things that hurt him the most about all of this was that I had to suffer alone for so long. <P>Nope, I don't deserve him.<P>The strange thing is that my marriage feels stronger than ever -- I'm just worried about my husband's emotional well being.<P>Can anyone (betrayed or betrayer) share their healing process after confession?<P>I feel like this is rambling, so I'll stop for now. Feel free to ask questions, etc.<P>Jill<P>

Hi Jill!<P>I am the BS in our situation, but I'd like to reply to your post and offer you any encouragement that I can. <P>The hurt for your H is still relatively new, so it is not surprising that he is still struggling. D day for us was April 2, and I still struggle immensely at times. When he is struggling, do what you can to support him and try to understand his perspective. I know that it probably makes you feel guilty, but don't get angry with him for hurting (I don't know if you do, but my H does, and it makes it worse for me). <P>It is also important for you to forgive yourself. We are all human and make bad choices. You made the right choice by breaking it off. Please don't contact him, the hurt and anger will start all over, for both you and your H.<P>I hope that I've been of some help, Jill (which is also my real name). Keep posting here and I will be praying for you!

Jill, <P>You're (both) still relatively early in the healing process, especially your husband. And although you've had a year and a half to deal with the affair, you've just "hurt" your husband two months ago---so you're dealing with that guilt. Your husband will likely "forget" in just the way that your counselor told you---it'll seem like a distant memory of something that happened to someone else. If you two are actively participating in building a better marriage, I would imagine in a year these feeling your husband is having will be greatly lessened, and within two years it will be a faint memory.<P>It's certainly that way for me, and we've been 2.5 years in recovery.<P>As for your urge to contact the OM, what would you talk to him about? Whatever it is, I would suggest that you talk to your husband instead (best choice), or perhaps your counselor.<P>

Jill, it took great courage for you to confess to your H - how I wish I had done that when I had the chance. I can relate to your anguish over the pain you've caused him.<P>I'm new to this board but what I've gathered is that the healing and rebuilding process takes time.<P>I pray that everything works out for you and your H.

Hi Jill,<P>You have already been given great advice. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there. <P>I would guess this urge to talk with OM has more to do with the need to say things that you need to say but are afraid to tell H for fear of hurting him more.<P>Seems to me that if you can identify what it is you want to say to OM, come here and vent. We are harmless. Ultimately, you will be able to tell your H many many things and most of them will warm his heart.<P>I don't know anything in particular, but I sense that your H suffers some from esteem issues. I would also bet that when he has his down periods they really are not about you, but occasions when he doubts himself. <BR>Is he really good enough for you? Will you stay with him after he failed you so? Do you truely love him?<P>Wanting to forget is reasonable but not likely to happen for either of you. But I am guessing more of the issues are the questions I mention above. So perhaps if you viewed him in this light what would you do, if you knew is thinking was long those lines?<P>If you come up with some answers, do them for him. It will help in this early stage of recovery.<P>Jill, you two are doing fine. So hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Jill:<P>I'm the WS in my marriage. My A sounds surprisingly similar to yours -- internet EA, followed by one-time PA. I confessed to my W within a day or two of the physical encounter and cut off contact with the OW thereafter.<P>Believe me, I understand what you're going through. I shudder to think of going through the next forty years with my wife with this on our respective hearts and consciences, because it hurts so much now. It's hard for me to imagine that any couple could ever reach a point where they could truly "forget" that something as cataclysmic as an affair happened to them. <P>I think, though, that maybe "forgetting" isn't really what your H, or you, would want to do. Your marriage is what it is because of what happened. Further, it's because of what your marriage WAS that the A happened in the first place. To "forget" the A, to treat it as though it never occurred, would be to turn you back on the valuable lessons you've learned about yourselves, your marriage, etc. That might invite another A, you know?<P>Maybe the best all of us, BS and WS alike, can hope for is that the intensity of it gradually will fade, like any sadness. Hopefully, there will come a day when, at the end of it, your H, or you, realizes that you haven't thought about "it" at all that day. And then a week will go by when you realize the same thing, then a month, etc. There will always be triggers, the A will always be a part of you. But it doesn't have to be always near the surface.<P>As for your desires to contact the OM, I suppose I can understand that, as well. As wonderful as your H is, it can sometimes be stifling to keep something so huge in your life to yourself. The OM is the only other guy (besides your counselor) who knows about it. <P>Also, let's face it, you may still have residual feelings for him. You kept the A to yourself for more than a year. Even if there wasn't any contact during that time, it was secret, and feelings for OPs thrive in secret. You've been "out", so to speak, only for a month or two. Only for that long have you been firmly recommitted to your H and trying to work things out. Now you know for sure that whatever happened with the OM is over, that the fantasy really is over. It'll take a while before the desire to contact fades entirely. <P>I'm doing pretty well six months or so in, but occasionally the OW, or what I assume is a surrogate for her, will still appear in a dream. When that happens, I'll wake up feeling as though I've cheated again, and will be only partially relieved to find it was just a dream. <P>It's hard, Jill. If you can, try to consciously stop your mind from going to the OM when it wants to. Distract yourself, hum a tune, think about your H, anything. With time, it should become easier.<P>Keep going, Jill. What you did took courage, and you're doing well. We're all pulling for you.

Jill -<P>Hi, I think I do remember you. At the time, I thought you were struggling with the issue of whether or not to tell your H. I'm glad you finally choose to tell him. As a confessor myself, I can honestly tell you it will only get better from this point forward. You'll have little bumps along the road, but it's just bumps, not roadblocks.<P>Everyone has really given you some good advice. Like you, the only people who know about my a are my H, the OM and myself (and the people on this site ). My H and I never went for formal counseling, but we're doing pretty good - getting through this ourselves.<P>I agree with everyone here, that your H's pain is relatively new. The one thing that you can do during this time is to keep reassuring him - let him know how awesome he is being, that you love him and that you are determined to work through this with him. My H has been completely amazing through this whole thing, and I use the word amazing - because if the tables were turned, I don't know if I could have been as patient and kind as he has been to me.<P>After I confessed (my H would have never known that anything was wrong), my H said that there "must have been something that I did or didn't do that pushed you away from me." When he had every reason to be angry and hurt - that was the first sentence out of his mouth. I knew then, that we would have a good shot at this. The second thing that my H did, after I confessed, was he gave me a card.<P>I, too, have been having a hard time forgiving myself. I know that God and my H have forgiven me, but I still can't believe how stupid I was, and how close I came to losing the one person that truly loved me. So, when I was feeling low one time, he sent me this card it said "The top 100 things I like to do with you." You open the card and it read "#1 Kiss and Hug and stuff, and #2 repeat 99 times." Only my H crossed out repeat 99 times and put repeat 98 times and wrote in #3 - grow old with you. How's that for amazing?<P>That is not to mean that my H wasn't hurt, or that for a few months that he would feel a little twinge when I wasn't home exactly on time. We've had our rough patches, but your H sounds a lot like my H. And, my H has been my greatest source of strength.<BR>You will get through this, and you can have a stronger marriage don't doubt that. Just give your H the love and support he deserves right now. . .he'll get through this, too. <P>Sometimes, it's funny. I don't think we give the BSs enough credit. We think they'll just shrivel up, hide in a corner, but as you can tell from the posters here - they hav an amazing capacity to forgive and to give second chances. So, don't doubt that your H is any less forgiving or not as strong as some of the BS here. He'll get through this in his own time.<P>Oaky, having said all of that. I, too, had feelings or urges to contact the OM. When you do the no contact thing, it's kind of weird - it's like there's this one person that you know you can never contact - and it makes you sad in a way. It's not that you want to rekindle any kind of friendship with the OM (although I tried that in the beginning and failed miserably). It's more like - just a human thing. It's like when your mother tells you not to touch the oven because it will burn you. She knows better, but you kind of don't believe her until you try it out for yourself.<P>Well, trust me, those urges to contact the OM will fade. I got burned once, almost got burned twice - before I learned my lesson. I'm not going to tell you the importance of no contact - you already know that. And, I think as you get further along - you really won't have those urges anymore. Let me explain.<P>My H and I have been in recovery for almost 9 nine months (11 months since the first confession, 9 months from the second confession - the affair got started up again for a couple of months - and basically nine months of no contact).<P>I think around 2 months of no contact, I had those urges. My H said that if I needed to contact the OM that I could, he trusted me - but that it went against the Harley principles. Okay, I decided not to contact the OM - I knew it wasn't good, and the urged passed after a couple of days. Then at month 4 of no contact, I had another one of those urges - just to say hi to the OM. I explained what I wanted to do to my H, again he said okay - if that would put all of this behind me, I should call him and make sure the OM was "okay." And you know what? When my H gave me the go ahead - after four months - I honestly didn't want to contact the OM. I mean, it had been all of this time, the OM had moved on, but more importantly I had moved on.<P>It's weird. Those urges to contact the OM come in waves. I've never acted on them, but the OM has contacted me - most recently last month. I had to send another no contact letter, and I honestly don't think I'll be hearing from him - and I'm glad.<P>I mean, everytime I think about the OM - or when he called - it just reminded me of how cruel I was and how dishonest I could really be. He reminded me of everything that was bad about my character - so why do I still get urges to contact him - even when I feel like my H and I are building a stronger relationship? I can't really explain it in words, but it's kind of like the affair - for me anyway - didn't die a natural death. I confessed to my H - then I ended the affair at it's height, if you will. I finally chose to do the right thing and end it. In my mind I knew it was the right thing, but my heart always wondered "what if." Well, not so much anymore - those feelings pass, too.<P>I guess it's kind of human curiousity to want to talk to the OP, but even more than that, I think it's temptation. I believe that good and evil exists in our world. I was tempted once and gave in to that temptation to have an affair, and I think I will always been tempted - it always hits when you are the weakest, and goes for your weak points.<P>As your marriage begins to heal - as mine has - you'll find that having an affair or the temptation to have affair - while it may be there, you're not as willing to give in to that temptation. I think when your needs are being met and your H's needs are being met - you are less vulnerable. Also, self-esteem was a big issue for me. Slowly, by taking control of this situation, by doing no contact, I am regaining my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. That will happen for you, too. <P>Also, there were plenty of times when I felt like this battle was too tough and I prayed that God fight this battle for me. I actually prayed that the OM not contact me. I also prayed that God give me the courage that I needed to do the right thing - should the OM call me. I still have to pray every so often, but those urges - well, they really do begin to fade.<P>I know you have been with out contact for a long time, but maybe by telling your H this in October - well, it's like you really haven't been given a chance to heal either. You can do it together. The thing is now, I tell my H everything. So, when I have those urges or those sad feelings, I can really open up to my H - even though I know it has to be painful to him. But, I think my H realizes that he has a vested interest in seeing me get over the OM - he's in it for the long haul - so he's willing to do whatever is necessary to get through this.<P>We have never gone for counseling - so you're one up on me. Just realize that you and your H are a team - when one is feeling down, the other one is there to pick him/her up. I think, right now, it's your turn to be there for your H. Just constantly reassure him that you love him and only him. For me, I never even really knew why I had the a in the first place - so we're trying to get at the causes so that we can build a stronger relationship. But that doesn't happen overnight.<P>Just relax, stay focused on your main goal - to have a happy, long-lasting, healthy marriage. It's always going to be a work in progress - so there's no need to feel like you have to fix everything over night. Time is on your side. Those urges, the temptations, for me, it happens in waves. One day I'll be fine, the next day in turmoil. Just build yourself a good surf board and ride the tide of tough times - because they do pass - it does get easier. <P>Like you, I know that I will never forget, and I know my H will never forget what happened. But we are learning to live with it, and learn from it. If nothing else, I have come to appreciate my H and my marriage in a new light. I may have put a little ding in our marriage, but it doesn't mean that it isn't worth saving.<P>Hang in there, and keep posting. It has been very therapuetic for me to post on this site and to read how other people deal with situations. And, welcome back .<P>

Wow, our D-days were on the same day (10/13/00). <P>My wife is in the same position that you are in. She did not have a PA during our marriage, though. Her's was before we were even engaged, but since she has kept that a secret for so long (we've been married for 10 yrs, lived together for 2 yrs prior to that) I feel as though it did happen during our marriage. She does, though, have the same feelings that you do i.e. struggling with forgiveness and not feeling that you deserve your spouse. My wife is also concerned about my emotional well being. <P>I can totally relate with your husband and his comment that he wants to "forget." There has not been a day since I found out that I have not thought about the cheating. It sucks more than you will ever know. I look forward to the day that I simply "forget" to think about it. Your husband will never forget, but your attention and signs of remorse help push aside the thoughts.<P>Our marriage has also became a lot stronger. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I could have lost her before I even had her. That thought crushes me. I can't even imagine her being with someone else or vice versa.<P>We are definitely more open about our feelings and now have the opportunity to divulge past experiences that we never felt comfortable discussing with one another. I even told her about the time, shortly after the birth of our first child, I had contemplated leaving her because of her over protectiveness of our baby. She was at the point of not allowing my family to see the baby without her being present. This childish behavior made me livid with disgust and I seriously thought about filing for divorce. After I told her this, she also realized how close she had come to losing me. This realization has in a strange way brought us closer together.<P>It is funny how a horrible mistake can actually bring more love and committment to your marriage. I hope that you and your husband survive your "mistake" and can move closer together.<P>P.S. Do not and I repeated do not contact the OM. If my wife did that or even contemplated doing that, it would destroy all of the healing that has taken place. Give yourself fully to your marriage and your husband. Good luck.

Hi again...<P>Thanks everyone for the encouragement and advice. I really do appreciate it.<P>skm and jsg,<P>Our situations sound so similiar -- pretty strange.<P>I mentioned that my husband has been very compassionate towards me -- much more than I deserve. He will mention to me every now and then that he is "struggling to forget", but other than that, he doesn't want to talk about what happened, how it happened, etc.<P>One thing that my husband said really helped him in the beginning was reading my old posts from here (I came here, dug them up and printed them for him...HARD WORK! ). All of the posts were from before I confessed. The posts ended up being a pretty good record of my thoughts and my feelings of guilt, shame and remorse. The posts allowed my husband to know the truth of what I had done without all of the unnecessary details that would only pile on more pain. My husband cried when he read the posts. He said that it really helped him to understand how he had played a part in this whole thing. Have I mentioned that my husband is INCREDIBLE???<P>As far as contacting the OM, I won't. I'm just being honest in saying that it's a thought in my mind. I don't want to do anything to cause any more pain than is already present...in my husband's eyes. The part that BUGS me the most about having the thought to contact the OM is that the OM is NOT someone that I even like. He's not someone that I respect. He's not handsome AT ALL -- never was. So, my prayer is that God would remove the thought to contact the very person who helped to cause my husband so much torment.<P>My husband and I had a conversation the other day about how the words ADULTERY, INFIDELITY, UNFAITHFULNESS, CHEATING, etc. send shocks through our systems when we hear them mentioned on television, in sermons, movies, etc. It's because those words apply to us...those words happened to us. Those words are happening to other people...and they hurt. <P>Anyway, as usual, thanks for reading my rambling posts and thanks for responding. I am thankful for the kind words.<P>Peace and hope to all.<P>Jill <P>

Jill,<P>I remember when you first started posting so many months ago...<P>We all encouraged you to confess and do what is right and you have...<P>Do you have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley? He goes through all the feelings and such to be expected and lays out a recovery formula...<P>Also concider counceling with Steve Harley...He will give you a positive path to recovery...<P>The advice give by the others is exactly what we learn here...<P>Hang in there...And do not call or contact OM!!<P>You'll be at the other side before you know..<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited December 28, 2000).]