You know, I can take it, I can take being constantly screwed over for OW, but today I just don't know what to do. H had plans with D...to take her to do some shopping and she called him. He was in the car with OW and told D (14) that he made other plans for the day and he'd take her tomorrow. My D is crushed. I called H back, verified that OW was in the car with him and told him that through all of this I'd never expect him to choose OW over his own D.<P>This is all the more horrible, because I had surgery last week and I can't take the kids anywhere myself. I am on major painkillers, and can't drive. I ended up going by ambulance to the hospital, and H showed up (son called him) and sat there holding my hand and taking me home...stayed on the couch cause I was so out of it I could not get up to take care of kids.<P>The next morning he was gone, never called, never showed back up. He called in the troops to take care of me, my mom, my best friend...then had them calling him back to see how I was...sheesh...just cut the cord and leave me alone, or something...I know, I'm venting here.<P>It's just so hard to see my daughter now have to realize that dad has chosen OW over not just me, but her and her brothers too. It's like he thought nothing of cancelling plans with her and taking ow, and probably ow's daughter to wherever the hell they were going.<P>I have to wonder who is this man? Is he the man holding my hand in the hospital the other night, or the one who can just blow us all off for a new family. I have never in my life felt hate before...but I feel it now, for OW. She has ruined many a family in her time, I just never knew mine was next on her list.<P>Up until now, I've been handling things pretty well...trying hard to accept that it is over between my and H. It's just so much more real now, that I called him and he is in his car with OW. Does she think I'm pathetic? Are they laughing at me? Is she happy knowing she has attained her goal...which was...for quite a while going for this screwed up married man. He turned to her when affair #1 ended, and she was ther for him all the way, saying that she just wanted him to be happy...what could she do to help him with his pain...<P>God help me and my children live with this. The rejection is so hard.<P>I'm back...just got off the phone with him. He thinks that I am doing everything I can do to make his children hate him. He is pushing to make the kids see him more, and says if he decides to have ow around kids it's his decision alone. <P>He has not loved me for years, and thinks he did me a big favor for staying as long as he did. I told him it was still fixable, and he said if I want a loveless marriage with him I can have it. He won't ever work on it...it's been over for him for a long long time.<P>allison

Why doesn't he divorce you then? If what he says is true than he should be rushing to file. Maybe it time for Plan B? It seems you need to have as little interaction w/him as possible.

Hi allison,<P>I saw something on Oprah by Phil Mcgraw that if your kids are teenagers, one parent can not sway the children against the other. That they form their own opinions by that time based on how they are teated by that parent.<P>He is just continuing to blame you for his shortcomings. Don't let him.<P>Are you OK? Sorry to hear about your hospitalization.<BR>Can I have your email address? Mine is Lorabell13@ aol.com <BR>Lora

{{{{{{{{{allison}}}}}}}}}}<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He thinks that I am doing everything I can do to make his children hate him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Did he actually say that??? Looks to me like he's damaging his relationship with your D all by himself when he stood her up. <P>Allison, you can't possibly know what your H or the OW is thinking. You're wasting brain cells even thinking about them. <P>Be gentle with yourself Allison. You just had surgery. Do you have stitches? Unless it hurts to laugh, may I suggest you convalesce with a good book or video. If you're on meds, maybe a video is in order. There was an Italian movie called "the monster" on one of the movie channels last year that was absolutely hysterical. I'll bet your teenagers would like it too. I don't think there's anything inappropriate for kids in it. <P>Pretend your mind is a radio, and anytime a thought of your H or the OW pops into your head, change the *#(@ station! Take your own disappointment and your D's disappointment and replace it with something positive.

Allison,<P>hope you are back on your feet soon. How is your D? I wish she have other plans when your H shows up to do something with her, but then he most likely blame you.<P>Your H says the same things to you that mine does to me, but mine has not negelcted his sons, well, at least not to where they know it. My H travels a lot so he leave/come to OW before coming home, I caught him to many times but our sons didn't know daddy was missing games or whatever to be with someone else. Only my OS knows about OW, YS is only 8, so he thinks mommy & daddy don't get along. <P>Prayers being said for you & your children. It is bad enough that this is being done to us, but our children don't deserve this. I hope & pray that all of our children can learn from our mistakes & make better lives for themselves.

I thought I was having a lousy day (it's my anniversary) until I read your posting. You are one strong woman!!! I know from some of your replies to me that you love your kids deeply and would not do something destructive like help them hate their father. It certainly sounds like he is the one that is trashing his relationship with the kids all by himself through selfishness and thoughtlessness. I think anytime that WSs makes statements like that it is such a clear sign of their guilty feelings. They are in such a complete mode of blaming someone else (usually us) for everything wrong in their life. I would say that those type of statements are just another clear sign that they are not thinking clearly.<P>I feel so bad for you having to deal with this, recover from surgery, help the kids feel better, and I'm sure the list goes on. I'll be praying for you special tonight!

I think it is possible to have an idea of what the OW was thinking - sometimes a better idea than you can of what your H is thinking - simply because the OW is a mother, too. For most mothers, the deepest hurt is when their child is mistreated. When the OW demands that the H puts her before his children, and he acquieses, it may well mean something completely different to them. To the H, it may be simply a matter of avoiding antagonizing the OW. To the OW, it is much more. To her, it seems to be a statement that she is more important than his child - which seems like a great victory to her, since no man would ever be more important to her than her child. And of course, she is well aware that the W will view it in the same way. Just as the affair has little to do with love for the WS, and lots to do with how they feel about themselves, for the OW I think that the affair has little to do with love and lots to do with the power, the feeling of control that it gives them. I think this is why so many women become OW's after having been the BS themselves.