I question myself on this all the time, but reading the chain by hurtinginil "It's been 8 months..." I am asking myself again.<P>Why would any of us who have been so hurt, whose lives are torn apart, who have been disrespected, put at health risk, even consider wanting the WS back in our lives? And as if the above were not enough, they seem to do one of two things when discovered: Either continuing the A right under our noses (not in my case fortunately) or make us feel substandard and questioning whether we were ever loved in the first place, saying things that hurt like "I never loved you anyway" (my case).<P>I keep telling myself that the reason I want him back is because for a year (unaware that an A was going on) I tried to work on myself to help our marriage get better and it was all for naught. He didn't see any of my progress because he wasn't looking. I have so desperately been trying to make things better that I just can't imagine letting it all go now even though my brain says I should. I also am hanging on because I have never wished for my children to be raised in a broken home. And for some strange reason, I still love the jerk.<P>So, why do we work so hard to keep something that has caused us so much pain? Shouldn't we be trying to make ourselves happy? Won't our children be better off with one happy parent than in this mess? Is it ever worth it? Are we stupid?<P>LL

You've smacked the Nail on the head with this - why do we want it to go on. Am in the "going on under my nose" stage - see my posts.<P>Why?<P>1. We love them.<BR>2, We think it's our fault & want to put it right (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, most of the time I think it's both people's fault.<BR>3. We are frightened of being left alone.<BR>4. We feel that if we loved each other in the first place, we can get that love back.<BR>5. For the children - I don't want anyone but me there for them every day.<P>Loads of other reasons particular to each couple i suppose.<P>Be strong, and think hard about what's best 4 u all. and take your time - hasty decisions are not good right now. I'm at home with my WS until we talk properly about what we should do. She says she still loves me, but loves him too.<P>Complex things people.<P>We all make mistakes, I think it's how they are put right that sorts the men from the boys so to speak.

I guess the New Year is causing a lot of us to take a look at the big picture. I could have written your posting. For me, I focus on the fact that I still love him (I am one of those that believe in that "better or worse" stuff), my 3 little boys deserve me to try every last thing I can think of to save them from a permanent broken home and the ensuing heartache, and I continue to have a vision of what our mariage could be if we were both working on our relationship instead of just me making huge changes in the last year. Sometimes I don't know if it is God or the Devil that keeps giving me hope that we could have a great marriage again.<P>Another factor in my case is the feeling that there is not a really big benefit in letting go at this point. I guess there may come a time where I need some finality for piece of mind, but I cannot ever conceive of wanting a relationship with someone other than my H. Even if I was willing to take a risk again, I don't think I could in good conscience do it to my 3 little boys. If their daddy who is a wonderful daddy and loves them really big time is wiling to do this to them, how in the world would I ever trust someone else not to hurt them?<P>Only you will know when it is time to give up, but my guess is you are not there yet or you wouldn't have had to ask the question. Hang in there!

Why? <BR>1. Because of our kids<BR>2. Because we don't want to throw away what we have invested so much in<BR>3. Because (if we are honest) we don't want to go through all the hassles of the financial problems<BR>4. Because we love our extended families<BR>5. Because we will feel like we have failed when in fact they failed us<BR>6. Because we don't want to start the dating scene!<P>And a myriad of other reasons<P>Jeremy

Good question.<P>Think most of my answers have been given by the others.<P>I have invested almost half my life with him.<BR>I don't want OW in my sons lives.<BR>I want to show my sons you can work things out, give them the tools to make a better life than their parents.<P>Bottom line I still love him & my sons<P>

Bottom line is I still love my H too, but I continually ask myself WHY????? He's been a great father to the kids, a great companion, best friends with me, a great provider. But he's also been a pompous [censored], a cheater, a self-esteem basher, a bully. Sometimes I ask myself is it the familiarity (the old-shoe kind of marriage) that I'm in love with? I'm not sure I've answered this question, but I know I want to be happier and in a better place than I am now. If it is with my H, that would be wonderful. But if it's not to be, that's ok too. I don't know why I would be willing to put up with him. But maybe the truth lies in that I wouldn't be willing to put up with the way the marriage was. If we can reconcile, it would be a different marriage, a better marriage. I won't go back to the way it was.

a little bit is also that it wasn't our choice to have them leave. They have two very important factors on thier side.... 1) They had the benefit of time to make up thier rationalizations... now you are forced to "catch up" to the loss... one that you don't want. 2) They have someone else pining away for them and we are sitting emotionally alone.... and of course all the above posts...

That's also the question what I am asking myself for 15 months now (6 of that : complete separation, and 4 H is living with OW) but you friends are answered better than I should know (partly because of my english where I miss words), but in my case i know when I see him my hands are shaking, my heart is going to brake and every time I only want him to hold me and says "that was a nightmare, let's go home" but after such a long time I think there are no chance. in spite of all the facts, even when my OD (18) blows them into my face: you can't ever been together again- and she should know because she lives with them; when my YD (11) who lives with me repeats: "daddy will come back, he always says that to me" I believe her because I want to. The reasons are wrote by all of you. My main reason is love, love and love again. I also thik if he should try to give us a chance we could make a better marriage than it was before the A.<BR>Maybe it's not possible but I would like at least to have the only one chance to try.<BR>Best to all.

Most all of the previous answers apply to me to some degree or another.<P>But, the bottom line I keep coming to is that I love her. Sometimes I feel like I'm an idiot for that, but you can't 'decide' how you are going to feel. You feel how you feel. I suppose you can decide to ignore how you feel and eventually the feelings will change. But to be totally honest with myself, I know that while the A is going on under my nose now, if she were to someday say that she was done with him and wants us to work it out I would immediately accept that and be ready to try.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel so much more "normal" now. It helps to know that you are not the only one out there thinking that you just might be stupid and that there are other ways to look at the situation. <P>Do any of you have family or friends that have basically told you to leave and don't understand why you would even consider staying? Any good pat answers that make them stop questioning your judgement? <P>I have read that anywhere from 80 percent of marriages will be affected by one or the other spouse having an affair? Do you feel this number is too high?<P>Two reasons I can add to the list are:<P>1. Because I'm not willing to take the chance of being betrayed by another individual.<BR>2. That maybe there is some lesson my H and I can learn from this that will create better people out of us and allow us to give our children a special tool in life that others may not have.

"Do any of you have family or friends that have basically told you to leave and don't understand why you would even consider staying? Any good pat answers that make them stop questioning your judgement?"<P>What helped my best friend accept my decision (to stay and try to reconcile) was explaining the situation from the standpoint that the attraction to OM is like an addiction, and W is not thinking rationally. I explained the whole fog concept and he seemed to understand better. Much like an alcoholic or drug addict, she cannot think straight right now and will do anything/risk anything to get her 'fix'. Family and friends of these types of addicts understand that her actions now are not the real her and that she needs help and support. Society seems to be accepting/understanding/tolerant of an alcoholic and wouldn't hold any of their actions while they are being controlled by their addiction against them. I don't know if the correlation between the two is that close, or even if that is the case in my situation. But I know she is doing and saying things that go against her nature and she is basically not being herself. I hope something in this may help you, and I'm hoping that I'm not deluding myself as well. She is currently looking for apartments so she can move out so I don't know.... <P>

Here is a link to this type of question that has been ask before.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005900.html" TARGET=_blank> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005900.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005900.html</A> <BR></A><P>I hope you will benefit from it.<P>OOOO<p>[This message has been edited by OffOnOnOff (edited January 03, 2001).]

LL, that is something I ask myself all the time. Sad thing is, I'm not even sure I do anymore.......