After 7 months of separation and depression. My head is starting to clear. I am starting to feel like it is time to go home.<P>Now, my wife does not really want me there but I want to be home with my children (2 boys). I left voluntarily because she asked for a separation. I now feel like I want to go home.<P>I spend every weekend with my boys while my wife works and I am thinking of moving my belongings back into the house this weekend while she is at work.<P>My thoughts are that I want her to know that I want to be there for my children. I wouldn't be returning to reconcile because taht is not what she wants. Yet I have appeased her for 7 months and she still wants nothing to do with me or our marriage. The consequences of this move could be drastic but I feel I have got to do a 180 of sorts. Start livng my life the way I want to with my children. If she wants no part of it then she will have some choices to make.<P>Should i do this? Thoughts please.

In my opinion, if SHE wants the separation, she should leave. So, if it were me, I'd be back home with my children, and let her be the one to uproot and try and start a new life. Maybe that would help knock some sense into her such that she would work on the marriage.<P>I think it is quite usual for the one that wants to separate to leave the home.<P>See what others say. Good luck.

I havebeen thinking this for sometime. But have always fell on the side that the children should not be separated from their mother.<P>Maybe I am seeing things differently now.

I don't think the kids should be separated from the mother or father other than for special/safety reasons. Therefore, my view is that if someone wants to separate and not work on the marriage, it is their choice, and they should leave. That is what happened to my wife. She once mentioned that I should be the one to move out, and I said absolutely not. I think that is quite standard.

Well I moved home. My wife does not think it is a good idea. She thinks it will only confuse our sons. However, my sons were very happy to have me home.<P>My oldest boy came to me this morning and told me he loved me and was very happy that I was home.<P>The reason that I finally decided to move home was because she plans to file this month. Through efforts of mine I was also able to find out the truth about ther just friends relationship with her "ex-boss".<P>They have been lunching togther since our separation. He is married. I don't know if his wife knows about his relationship with my wife. I was able to find some christmas cards intended for him. One card mentioned having love in her heart for him and the other was a "sexual innuendo" type card marked with her lipstick. I confronted her and she said that she did not give the cards to him and the sexual won was just a joke. What about the love one?<P>She is in total denial of her feelings for this man. She indirectly admitted an attraction to him when she said she would date him if he was not married. She also stated that she did not want to mess up his relationship with his wife.<P>For 8 months my wife has led me to believe that all this was in my head and that I was just jealous and jumping to conclusions. I finally feel OK I know the truth.<P>She claims that the relationship has been platonic and business related. She wants me to believe that. I don't.<P>I guess she is in the fog. Anyway I am home now and its going to be rough. She won't leave. She is very angry that I came home.<P>What can I do now?

Personally I'm glad that you went home. Obviously it isn't going to be a smooth ride. But why make it so easy for her. You and I both know that this just friends thing with the boss is untrue. Regardless of whether anything physical has happened, she is emotionally involved and in the fog. Classic stuff all the way.<P>I don't know how you handle a situation where she doesn't want you there, and is angry. Has she ever been introduced to the concepts at MB? I couldn't do it to mine now, it would be of no use. Just curious though.<P>Wouldn't hurt to speak to an attorney, if you haven't already. You never know what she might try and do (ie. get you out?). I don't know how that would work.<P>But I am glad you resolved in your mind what she is doing, and are home.<P>Anyone else have some insight for John regarding his situation? I'm just one opinion, and this is a touchy situation.

John - I'm with Rick 100% on this. She should have been the one to move out in the first place, so just re-wind the tape and play it over. If she has a problem with your marriage and refuses to work on it, then she has no choice but to make everybody miserable or leave. I recommend you be a star Dad and demonstrate you've fixed whatever you needed to in Plan A and stomach her objections that you are there. Take the moral high ground and never leave your kids again. My wife wanted me to move out and fortunately I declared that I would not leave my son. So she left and life isn't so terrific out there. <P>I do not believe there is any legal way for her to make you leave or vice versa, unless there are physical abuse issues.<P>Take back your castle and we're here to help.<P>WAT

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Anyone else have some insight for John regarding his situation? I'm just one opinion, and this is a touchy situation.<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>In another thread I just said I don't really like to give advice, I like to share my experience....but you're right this is a touchy situation.<P>I too am glad you went home John. You're doing the right thing. As you said, if she wants to do something let her make the move.<P>Rick is right - she is definitely in the fog. She may think that should she divorce, OM will leave his W for her. Does OMs W know about their A? If not, I would seriously consider telling her, or at least letting my W know I planned to tell, before I would let my W file for a divorce. Of course, that's just my humble opinion. But I've seen so many women on these boards who fantasize that OM will one day leave their W for them, only to see OM dump them like a used tissue the moment the A becomes known.<BR>Dave

Am I in a no win situation. I want to confront this issue head on. My marriage and family is important to me and I want to save it. I have thought about calling the OM or the OM's wife to expose the relationship. But do not know if that will do more harm than good.<P>My wife has is not thinking clearly and she now knows that I am aware of her feelings for this OM. How do I get her to see that our family has little chance to survive as long as she continues to nurture her feelings for this man with contact and intimate lunches.<P>What is my next logical step?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What is my next logical step?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>John, I think your instincts are good. In your first message you said you could see it was time for a complete 180. This is so right. Too often we try the same things or variations thereof, over and over. <P>Look, your W was perfectly OK with you leaving, being without your family, for 7 months. She still, according to you, wants nothing to do with you or the marriage. You've said you want to face this head on, so go ahead. Really, what do you have to lose? I'd ask her to end all contact, and come to counselling, and I'd tell her if she won't I'll call the OMs W, and I'd follow through if necessary. I don't think doing it her way did any good at all did it? <BR>Dave

John - at some point soon, if you haven't done it already, tell her exactly what you just wrote - that you are aware of the relationship, it hurts you, but more importantly it is a threat to your family. Get that on the record. She may very well deny that there's a relationship or separate her "friendship" from you pre-existing problems, which, of course, have taken on immense proportions to help her justify her affair.<P>I recommend you have a counselor session with the Harleys or others before contacting OM or his wife. Despite its obvious strategic value, it's a big LB that will cause her to defend everything if it doesn't work.<P>WAT