I have been out of town for several weeks and am just now home. Lots has happened since. See earlier posts in PlanA/PlanB for history.<P>Quick history:<P>Mid November - she tells me she is seriously thinking about leaving.<P>Few days later - admits another man, but nothing physical yet.<P>Few days later - I discover MB and begin the process of self examination and personal rebuilding. There were several LB's during this time, but got that under control.<P>Next couple of weeks - Lots of Plan A'ing few LB's. Some positive signs from W, some mention of OM. A is still only EA (pretty sure). One instance of intimacy. This after her telling me a few weeks ago that she had no desire for sex with me at all.<P>Mid December - Mother-in-law becomes ill, needs emergency surgery. I encourage her to go to her Mom. I'm out of town on business, cut trip short, rush back. She arranges to fly home. OM, who in my opinion is becoming sexually frustrated since W is not meeting his need, sort of blows her off and has an excuse not to take her to the airport. This ticks her.<P>Wife leaves note of things to take care of. The p.s. sys "I'm wearing my wedding ring". First time in 2 or 3 months.<P>Few days later on the phone, she tells me that she wants her mother, still unconcious after surgery, to wake up. She is afraid that she will die before W can tell her that she has decided to stay with me!<P>After rushing home (2 day drive with 2 daughters) to be with my wife who had already flown home to be with her sick mother, I arrived to pick her up at the hospital. She was genuinely glad to see us. That night, she practically attacked me in bed!<P>Christmas was good. For the first time in a long time, I bought her gifts thoughtfully. She REALLY liked them. That night she and I took a bottle of wine to sister's house, watched a movie, talked a lot and wound up having a tender lovemaking session on the couch.<P>Next morning, she asked for a "free" oral treat. I obliged. Next week and a half visiting was great. W and I had the opportunity to go out together almost every day. Grandma took care of kids. Trip home (2 days in car) went well.<P>Back home, things continue to go pretty well. We have started to read 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families together. Started weekly family meetings to discuss this and other issues. I continue to work on self and fulfilling her needs. No real LB's.<P>The last few days, I have started to feel resentful again. Not sure that I want to work so hard. She has not had the opportunity to "break off" with the OM as he is out of town for a few more days. Maybe I am just concerned that she won't be able to do it. She did admit to me that they had had phone sex and this was the point where she very nearly invited him to our home (I was out of town) to go further. I told her (in a very non-LB way) that I didn't know if I had the strength to handle a PA.<P>I know it is probably too soon to expect much, but I don't feel that she is putting much effort into it. We did spend some time in the car discussing how we got to where we are, and she seems to think that we need to explore this further. I'm not sure we need to do this. Any thoughts? I'm more concerned with where we are now, and the 4 Rules. Any experience here?<P>She does seem to be making an effort to meet my need for physical intimacy (about once a week). This is better than it was before, but not what I'd like. We did talk a little about this too.<P>I have been working like crazy on really listening to her and responding. I have also been good about doing little things like notes and things. I have sucessfully changed from a relative slob to a neat freak. This habit change only took about a month.<P>I have been thinking thoughts the last few days like "she will wind up leaving me anyway" and "maybe I should start looking for someone better". How do you banish these thoughts. My family (2 girls - 4 and 9 and wife) means the world to me. The potential breakup of our family actually hurt worse than W leaving me. I have to stay on track.<P>AAARGH! I guess this is part of the roller coaster. I only pray that W will sucessfully break off the EA. Maybe this will calm some of the fears that I have. W said that she would stay, but I am having some trouble trusting her completely at this point.<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bill Uphill:<BR><B> I only pray that W will sucessfully break off the EA. Maybe this will calm some of the fears that I have. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How is your MIL? It seems like she is in your corner.<P>I think the key step for you guys is to establish a NO contact deal with the OM. Until that happens, she will be conflicted and you will be in agony. <P>How to get that done is dependent upon the situation. You may have to give an ultimatum. Or you could lay low and the relationship will die of its own volition.<P>Have you talked to Steve Harley? It will be the best $95 you ever spent.<P>

Mr. Bill, (i just had to do that)<P>Your W can write a no contact letter that doesn't require her seeing him or waiting for him to get back in town. She can just put it in the mail.<P>The beginning of your recovery sounds a bit like mine. It feels like a whirlwind. I felt exhilirated but had moments where I thought, "and what about the A?" I have persistant thoughts of "what if he leaves me anyway?" It's kind of like a dark cloud that I have to fight out of everyday. Plan A helps me deal with this. <BR>Recovery will be like a roller coaster. What you feel know is just as I felt. It comes and goes. You can let your wife know that for you to have recovery there will be no contact with the OM in a non LBing way. <BR>Trust does not come back anywere near as quickly as you would like it to. I am 6 months into this and still don't trust my H. He does things to help with this but I think it will be sometime before I trust him again. Don't expect to trust right away. It comes in small increments. I think the rule for recovery from an affair is about two years. Take things as they come. You will end up learning so many new things and you will have a much stronger marriage.<P>cleo

Thanks for the responses. <P>MIL has been a good ear for W. She has not been judgemental, but I have talked to her and know that she desperately did not want W to walk out. Hope she stays low key.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR>[B] How is your MIL? It seems like she is in your corner.<P>I have not done any counseling with the Harleys yet. I'm not sure if I should start alone, or wait for W.

Bill,<P>The Harley's only counsel one person at a time. I don't think they do couples therapy. What I'm trying to say is that they talk to you individually rather than both at the same time. \<P>Did I trip over that or what???

Bill,<P>Hang in there. You road maybe long & tough but it will be so much easier than some of the people here. Your wife's A was an EA & if you have read SAA you know that this is easier to recover from than PA. Plus you met your wife's most important needs while your MIL was ill, the OM let her down by not helping her out to the airport, major LB. Just keep doing what you are doing, don't worry about her not meeting your needs yet, try & read Give & Take by Harley also. Above all give it time, & when you can't take it anymore come here & vent, there will be someone here who has/is going through what you are. WS are crazy people they put the BS through H##l but you can do it. Prayers being sent your way, & for you MIL also.

Hello Bill:<P>(Cleo, that was clever! Wish I'd thought of it.)<P>From what you present, I would guess that you are making progress, but are in the home stretch, and need a second wind to put you over the finish line. Here's the progress:<P>1) She has admitted to the affair.<P>2) She lets you know she's wearing wedding ring<P>3) She wanted to tell her mother she has decided to stay with you, and feels urgently enough that should mother die, she should go with the knowledge that you two are reuniting .<P>4) OM flakes out. Good news for you!<P>5) She is glad to see you at hospital. OM does not belong in hospital at this very important spot in your lives, but you, the White Knight, do. And you are THERE. Life and death stuff puts things in perspective.<P>6) You have intimacy again. High fives!<P>7) Your sensitivity and thoughtfulness increases. Gift giving has deep dimensions to it. It isn't the gift; it's the thought and you did good.<P>Now, you need patience and endurance. I am vicariously hoping for your success and I have placed a bet at the window for you to win. Don't disappoint me.<P>I think you're experiencing fatigue after your long haul. You may feel bitterness, and resentment that you have endured so much and given so much. I think that's normal. But Bill, if you let that get in the way of restoring your marriage, you will slip backward and the OM may look tempting again.<P>Now, like cleo said, your wife can write a no contact letter. She doesn't need to tell that scumbag (GRRRR) that it's over personally. Phone contact, too personal. It gives him an excuse to return the call, and purr into her ear. Could incite fantasies in her mind, weakening her resolve to backslide. Personal meeting, worse! No need for me to elaborate. <P>I think the "why bother" feeling is normal, given what you've been through. This is where the Commitment to your marriage comes in. You Do as if, even if you don't Feel as if. Feelings will follow actions. Remember back to the day you spoke your vows. They didn't say you would be married as long as you felt the blush of love and the magnetic physical attraction and as long as she didn't stumble. <P>Hang in there! I've got money on your nose.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bill Uphill:<BR><B>I have not done any counseling with the Harleys yet. I'm not sure if I should start alone, or wait for W. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Start NOW. It is a process that, at least with us, began with mostly individual one-on-one phone counseling anyway. As you go on, The one hour sessions are part one-on-one with each partner, and then part together.<P>We did not have an affair to work through, just a long period of withdrawal, but I think that Steve Harley's advice would be even MORE important in a situation like yours right now, where every move is crucial.<P>Mike <P>