I have posted before and you may see my story. My wife of 18 years whom I dearly trusted has been in and out of affairs for the past 13 years. She is willing to change her behavior and we're both currently receiving therapy. Has anyone survived this many affairs or multiple affairs and have had successful marriages?<BR>

Paul:<P>A lady who posts here infrequently, "cl", has a husband who's a sex addict. She dealt with many affairs through the course of this (although if I remember correctly, she didn't know about them until afterwards). I think that she's been doing pretty well during their recovery. Rob ("professorg") has also dealt with similar problems in their marriage, and they're on the mend as well.<P>I would give you the advice that if these multiple affairs have happened, you need to concern yourself with a "diagnosis", as to whether your wife is a sex addict. In addition, I think that if the two of you are on-board to dealing with this together, you need to pay very close attention to Harley's "Four Rules", and especially in the areas of Complete Honesty and Time. In essence, if your wife is completely honest with you whenever she feels a "twinge", she's going to be unlikely to act on her urges (and it gives you a heads up to deal with them). If you're spending over 15 hours/week together with quality time meeting each other's needs---there's no time for an affair. Also, she should be willing (ideally) to commit to having no close opposite-sex friends, being accountable for her day, etc.<P>If she's willing to change her behavior (and you are two), there's no reason you can't have a terrific marriage.

Paul,<BR>My W had 2 PAs and one cybersex A. So 3. Of course when I found out about the first I was told that was all there was, when I discovered #2 she swore no more bombshells, well 2 weeks later I found out about #3 with her friends husband also my friend supposedly. So when I say 3, I don't really know that do I? She tells me the same story she did when I discovered #1, and #2.<P>Anyway, I've had to face this real tough stuff. My W is an addict, and does things that in a way are beyond her control. That doesn't mean I don't feel the pain, but after I've gone through it, I don't know, maybe it might be easier to bear. Her As reall meant not much to her except as a drug addict would be with a drug. When it came out there was nothing but shame and remorse. I have to deal with some real slutty behavior by her, but I don't have to deal with OM. She gave them up without a trace of regret.<P>So hang in there, Paul. If you get through the early phases you might find you have more to work with than you realize.<BR>Dave

Thanks DavidB. My wife confessed the most recent affair to me on 9/17/00. She swore that it was the only one in 18 years that she has ever had. Then on our anniversary 2 months later I found out after questioning her best friend that there was one more. My wife then admitted that one when I confronted her about it. The very next day she confessed 2 more. After 3 days I questioned her telling her that I felt that she was still not giving me the whole story. She then admitted to one more. After 2 more days she admitted via a letter that she had 2 emotional affairs. Total 5 physical affairs + 2 emotional affairs. I only found out in the last 2 weeks that one of the OM, she had 2 separate affairs...count=6 sexual affairs with 5 men and 2 emontional affairs = 8 total affairs.<P>She claims as well as her therapists that they were not about sex. She has been diagnosed as co-dependent and has a deep need for attention, admiration, and to make other people happy. She has a difficult time telling people "NO".<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurting Paul:<BR><B> She claims as well as her therapists that they were not about sex. She has been diagnosed as co-dependent and has a deep need for attention, admiration, and to make other people happy. She has a difficult time telling people "NO".<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Paul, I can relate to this. I am the WS, trying to rebuild my marriage. After all this came out, I took a sex assesment and the therapist has a complete history of my drug and alcohol abuse as well.<P>Considering all, and with the most recent events in my life, it is a good possiblity that all evidence points to the sex addict. However, with my complete history, it could very well be Co-dependency, or Cosa (co-dep sex addiction), or untreated chemical dependency, or untreated trauma. I had abandoment issues regarding my father, non nurturing mother, physically abusive ex husband, blah, blah, blah. My therapist's "gut" tells him, that I am untreated chemically dependent, (off all drugs and alcohol 4 months), but have plenty 'o issues to go around. I will more than likely be in therapy for the next 3 years. Possibly a treatment facility as well. Your wife is an addict, she is not capable of doing the right thing, like "earth people" do. While I am not making excuses for her, she is "powerless", and unable to make rational decisions.<P>I now look back and see what I have done, and it totally disgusts me. I don't know how I live with myself. <P>Take Care<BR>PJ

Thanks PlAINJANE. My wife has never had alcohol or drug problems. However, I married her when she was 16 and her father left her mother right before we married after what my wife thought was a happy normal marriage between her parents. They were married for 20 years. Her dad has since been married 4 more times. She has had no real relationship with her dad since then which was 18 years ago. She sees him maybe once a year.<BR>

Paul,<P>My H has had 3 (that I know of). That caveat is one dimension of recovery that is particularly difficult with multiple affairs. How does one know that they have confessed all? How does one know that this won't happen again? While the betraying spouse may become the most wonderful, faithful spouse, it is difficult for the betrayed to learn to trust again after multiple affairs.<P>I've been rather "stuck" in recovery because I cannot allow myself to trust him like I need to. He has NOT become the model husband and there are still significant trust issues.<P>I believe that with a lot of work, a marriage can recover from multiple affairs, but it will take work on BOTH sides to make it happen.<P>Enlightened

why would anyone want to stay with a cheat someone who has had sex with someone else shared their body with someone else the thought just grosses me out<P>one thing i will not tolerate and that is cheating of any sort!<P>if a person has to cheat then there has to be a problem in the relationship<BR>

bijzonder-<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>one thing i will not tolerate and that is cheating of any sort!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think its great that you know exactly how you would handle this. I (and I would venture to guess, most on this board) also felt the same way before having to actually face it in my own marriage. When the fateful day arises and one realizes that their spouse is in fact cheating, many have other things to consider before a final decision is made as to if the marriage will continue. <P>Each person shall reach their own conclusion in their own time. Discussion boards such as this one help us to sort through it all. I'm glad that this is one area of your life that you will never have a need for support because it is indeed, a very devastating situation to find oneself in.<P>Enlightened

bijzonder: Believe me, I felt the same way. But the problem goes well beyond just sex. There were deep emotional needs that I was not fulfilling and did not realize the importance. I was very ignorant period. I love my wife dearly and indeed find her infidelity the hardest thing that I have ever had to live with in my life. But I have 3 beautiful sons that dearly love their mother. I know what kind of affect divorce has on the children and that it is lifelong. Divorce is not prevalent on my side of the family and certainly do not want to start a trend. I see people and have friends that have come from divorced homes and leads from one generation to the next. Until a generation breaks the trend it can have affects on generations to come. So my decision now may haunt my decendents for decades, perhaps centuries. That is perhaps why the Bible refers to the "sins of the fathers". <P>I know one thing. Mankind probably focuses too much on the physical aspects of life rather than the spiritual. In heaven, there is not really going to be male and female because we are in the spirit. There not be husband and wife. If that were so, then who would be the wife of a man who has been married 7 times? There are only a few minor differences between male and female from a physical standpoint. That's why God is just generally referred to as a "He". I believe that God is a "He" and a "She". <P>Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent and give anyone a theological lesson, but my wife's spirit is what's important to me the most. If her spirit is healed, then she won't sin with her body anymore. Like Dr. Harley said, we're all wired for infidelity. If anyone of us was in the right emotional state and presented with the right opportunity, we would likely fail.<P>Thoughts?<BR>

I really admire your ability to handle this.<BR>I do have some concerns. First, the fear of sexually transmitted diseases that could be past to you. Second is the safety and care of your children. A woman that is unable to say no puts you and your family at great risk in so many ways. I hope she can be healed but I think that the safety and health of your children and yourself should be a primary concern. I would be worried that all this would eventually destroy any love that you have left for her. Does your wife realize what she is risking in her life and the possibility of the loss of her family. Good luck to you.

She has recently had blood tests for all sexually transmitted diseases, i.e. veneral, HIV, and hepatitus C, etc. She was nervous about the results but all returned negative.<P>She truly believes that she is in the healing process as we are going through psychological therapy and spiritual therapy. The psychologist made her vow in my presence that if she were ever going to do this again, to leave first. She consented. She also stated to me that her life has been miserable living with the guilt, lies, and deceit. She finally feels free to love me again. She stated that if she ever does this again that she would just commit suicide. I told her that her lifestyle should not be lived by anyone. Whether she was with me or not, her lifestyle was not healthy. I told her that no man in his right mind would want a wife who was constantly unfaithful to him. She realizes this and realizes how sick her behaviour has been. She can offer no real rational reason of why she has behaved this way and does not understand herself. The psychologist has told us that as we go through therapy that we will eventually get answers. I hope so. My wife has always presented herself as a strong Christian with strong moral values and does not believe in this. That is what is so confusing about all this. She says that she does not believe in adultery nor divorce. We shall see.

Paul<P>Although My H has only had one OW in his life that one affair went on for 12 years. <P>He left me and moved in with the OW twice. Once in 97 for one year and again in 99 for 11 months.<P>He moved back home in June of 00, and swears he is not only through with her, on a personal level, he will never leave me again. That has yet to be proven, but things have been going very well in our marriage since his return.<P>I was in Plan A the last time he left, for 11 months. BUT Plan A with my own twist added. When I started feeling like I was playing into his, at the time, cakeman mentality. I let him know about 5 months into his last departure that I would not wait forever for his return. That I had to do what was best for our children, myself and protect our interests. I took our younger daughter and flew 1200 miles away and went house hunting in the state I felt I would move to *if* we got divorced. That was a real wake up call to H. He knew I meant buissness and from the time I returned from my house hunting trip until he moved back home, 5 months later, he became my husband again. I know it seems odd that it took him an additional 5 months to move back home but it did take a lot of time to end it with OW without her committing suicide or causing him a lot of legal problems.<P>The past 7 months have been great. The big hump we have get past will be the year anniversary of his return. For the past 4 years he has pretty much moved in and out the same time each year. <P>Does he still see her? Yep, they are in bussiness together. Am I happy about that? Nope. Will I continue accept it? Nope. He has little time left to either buy her out or get out of our marriage. I have been patient as I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face and have him close up the bussiness and end up on welfare. However I am at the end of my tollerance of this , and he knows it. <P>The one thing I can tell you is yes it is possible to get past years of infedility. It is possible to reconcile. <P>One of the biggest blessings I got form this forum and Harley's princibles is even if it doesn't work out for me, I can now divorce and move on without falling apart. I know *I* have done EVERYTHING in my power and controll to make my marriage work. I know I am a good person and if H decides he doesn't want to be with me, it will be his loss.<P>Good Luck <P>FC<P>

Dear H.P.<BR> Wow, I can relate to your situation totally, I have been married for many years and I recently found out my H WASN'T having affairs, he was just out getting his sexual needs met when ever he was away from home, said it was something diffrent, wanted to see what another**** felt like,he recently became a christain and said that he needed to confess this to me, he was tired of living with the guilt and shame of it all, he says he is so ashamed of what he did and he wants to try and make our marriage work, he says he loves me,he said that he doesn't want my forgiveness, he just doesn't want a divorce.He has no real reason for doing what what he did that he can think of. <P>I am just wondering how you r handling it all? I am having major trust issues, and I am having a real hard time accepting what he did. It has destroyed my feelings for him, however If push came to shove I would have to say I don't want to be married anymore, I could not handle his cheating again for any reason, but I do love him, and I would make the marrige work if i knew he would never cheat again, I am 100% convienced that he will not remain faithful, I mean after all 7 times proves it.I am not sure it was even 7 that is his story, I have a feeling it was alot more than that. He has been away alot like every other day for two days at a time, due to his Job. I can sure use some advice or even some of your strength, I would like to probe your mind and feelings and tell me why you are willing to make your marrige work, in spite of the fact it could happen again? I am willing to try and fullfill my H request because of my feelings for him .I am not saying this to stir up trouble but I could sure use some insight... Thanks NOT SO SPECIAL

Hurting Paul,<BR>Wow! Your wife sounds like who I was 12 years<BR>ago. We've been married for 15 yrs. <BR>I too had multiple affairs. It's really weird because you communicate through sex but what you are looking for is: the admiration, acceptance, & attention. I have <BR>now been searching for answers as to "why" <BR>this happened only now, the shoe is on my foot. My H has been having an EA/IA. I feel that because my parents divorced when I was so young has really affected the way I felt about me and others, especially men. I have always felt a little uneasy or uncomfortable in close situations-with men. I welcomed any <BR>attention I was getting. The really crazy thing was that the A's would happen when my husband was away with work. I felt left, abandoned and alone. It was a terrifying feeling. One of the worst times in my life was when we we're on assignment overseas in Europe. It was not only a culture shock for me at the time (19yrs. old) to be away from family & friends adn familiar places, I did feel very much alone. I felt afterwards disgusted with myself and later mad at myself but could not understand the reasons why. I have grown so much through the years: replaced the bad with good things and I thank God all the time for my husband's love! If he hadn't of been there for me to pick me up when I fell I don't know where I would be right now. I admire you for seeking to understand it all, that is one thing my husband & I never really did then but are talking sometimes arguing through it now. I can only say that I love my husband deep down in my soul for how he stood strong for both of us through it all. I'm trying now to "stand" for the both of us. <BR>I'll be praying for you both. <BR>Firefly

H.P.,<P>As K said earlier, I have endured by my count 8 or 9 in hte last 8 years of our 15+ year marriage. My W like P.J. had a hard life as a child minus the alcohol and drug addiction. From talking to her about her therapy sessions, her psychologist mentioned something about bipolar affective disorder. I had already researched it before she had a deep depression related from affair #9 or 8 as the case might be.<P>I pray daily for God to macke some change in me so that she will be drawn closer to Him (God) which is where she will find what she is really seeking. When she finds Him then she will see better what she has in me. We are getting closer all the time particularly now that I approach her in ways that show her I care using her definition.<P>I had to learn to see things through her eyes. She still doesn't see through anyones eyes except hers. My plan is to have her know that God brought me into her life and that He is the reason I am still here. Yes, I love her! I love her most because she is His gift to me as I have told her and many others. <P>Long story short, I was hurt badly by my XGF. Healed for 2.5 years, was asked by God to get married ( I had committed my life to being a monk.) He told me my W was the one He wanted me to marry. And here we are today.<P>Email me if you want to discuss further. I swing by from time to time but not nearly as much as I used to. My pain is less severe now that we are on our way to being one flesh.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

NOT SO SPECIAL<P>It is only by God's help that I am able to recover from this. From a human standpoint, which was what initially told me that she was the devil and get as far away from her as I could, I did not see any way possible for our marriage to recover from this. But as you know, through God all things are possible. I believe her heart has changed and she has truly repented. Repentance is a gift from God not a choice to be made. In another words, if God convicts a person to repentance and the person accepts the repentance, your heart is changed and your thoughts and will is turned in the opposite direction. If your husband has truly repented and has become a Christian, his heart has changed and he does not have the desire to do these things anymore. Your husband can tell if his heart has changed because he feels different. You can witness his change of heart by the way he acts, speaks, and treats you. Ofcourse, Dr. Harley said we should never be completely trusting of our spouse as I will never completely trust mine, but we should come to the point where we feel comfortable and that comes from complete and open honesty. <P>Give your hubby a chance. Age also changes the sex drive in men. Be sure he read His Needs/Her needs and that you both are complying with those concepts.<P>May you both have a Rich and Rewarding Life together as this experience will make you much stronger to face more troubled times ahead which are likely certain in the world in which we live.<P>God Bless.<P>HP