On Saturday, I had placed a call to the OM's work number which I found on my telephone bill. I left a message to ask him to call me on his voicemail. He did not call me.<P>But today he called my wife and told her that he does not want to speak with her ever again. She just called and told me that he called. She wanted to know why I called and I stated that I wanted to speak with him about what was going on. She was obviously upset. But did not make any threats or such. She did however ask me not to ruin anybody else's lives by making anymore phone calls. I presumed that meant to his wife.<P>What do you think of this?

John, You have probably done the right thing. I say this because it is going to get your plan A working as it should. The Harley's advocate cutting all ties with the OP before the reconciliation can work. I have the problem of promising my W that I would not contact either the OM or his wife. I have sworn to her that I would not and some may think me a fool. I have the utmost in integrity though.<P>I spoke with my W last night about many things and she is stuck on whether or not she wants to try with me. She cannot tell me for certain that she is stuck on emotions for the OM but I know better than that. After being on this forum for a week, I have come to understand the classic examples of the "fog" and other signs of WS fantasies etc. They have a real hard time with us making that contact with OP or OP's spouse.<BR>I am stuck because of my beliefs but I think you did the right thing. <P>Scott

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What do you think of this?<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Ummm...I told you so? OK, now he's said he wants no contact with her. Just like I suspected he dumps your W the instant he thinks his W will find out. Now this will go a long way toward waking your wife from the fog she's in, and is a very good development. I'd attempt to parlay this into getting your W to commit to "no contact" (verifiable), and to get into marriage counselling <B>asap</B>. Keep in mind OM says now he does not want your W, his W is still in the dark though, and he and your W could think things have cooled off. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've seen people reach this point, only to see spouse slip back into contact with OP.<BR>Dave

Here's my 2 cents worth for both of you.<P>John, good for you, but be careful. While it's great that the OM shut this down, you W did not. Her withdraw from that relationship will most likely be more intense because it wasn't her decision. She also may resent you for it, because it seemed to stem from you phone call. So be happy, but tread lightly.<P>Toon, I'm in the same boat. While I haven't promised her I wouldn't call the OM, I don't believe I can. Even if he'd listen and break things off, I'll find myself in the boat that John might be in. She HAS TO make the decision to cut it off. (OK, maybe not, but clearly that would give us the best chance at fixing our marriage.<P>So I (and both of you) continue to work on ourselves. We find our own flaws and fix them. We live a life devoted to giving her love, support, care, honesty. How we do that I'm not sure. I'm still looking for tangible, practicle ideas on what I can do to give her love and support. It's tough when what she seems to want from me is space, freedom, independance.

She is home for work now. And she has not mentioned the events of the day. This is typical of her and she will probably keep tight lipped until I ask for prod her for conversation with respect to the OM cutting contact with her.<P>What do you think I should say or how I should approach her?<P>This is very touchy now. She has an appointment with the attorney on Friday.

What are her intentions with the attorney Friday? How is she acting with you now? Also, I don't recall, but have you seen an attorney to see what your options are? I wonder if the fact that you left for awhile could affect anything. I doubt it... but am just curious. I'd just be prepared yourself if she is going to an attorney.<P>Regardless, you can expect unpredictable behavior from her now. Who knows what impact the OM cutting it off will have. That is a good thing though.<P>Forgot to address how to approach her. I guess that depends on how she is acting. Would she talk at all? Does she avoid you in the house? I'd just play it cool and base it on how she is acting, and how receptive she is to you talking. It must be strange for you, but once again, you did the right thing. Hang in there and keep us posted.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited January 08, 2001).]

Last night was very cool. No conversation what so ever. She spoke very little to me and went to bed at 9:00 as ususal. More of the same this morning. Her world has been turned upside down.<P>When she called me yesterday she stated she did not want me to ruin anybody else's life. That is not what I want or meant to do. That is how she percieves it.<P>She is a conflict avoider and that is why we are in this situation today. She allowed her dissatisfaction and resentment to build until she felt it was over. So when someone came along who she liked and was interested in her she was smitten. At this point she will not admit this. Even though I have told her how I can understand how these things can happen. All the while tellingher that I love her and I am only concerned about her, me and my two boys lives.<P>Her appointment with the attorney is to beginthe process of filing. She has consulted with her before. I removed all financial info from the house (tax returns, bank statements, etc.) She will have to ask me for them.<P>I am more concerned with getting her out of the "fog" and to consider a different course of action. I know this will be hard if not impossible. She is entrenched in her discontent. I am sure she thinks I am a fool for continuing to snoop until I found the truth. She asked me if I was taping telephone conversations or having her followed. The OM is an ex-cop and he might have planted these ideas in her head. Or she may have a guilty conscience. I have not resorted to these tactics.<P>I guess I am at a critical point and should just plan A for awhile and see what happens.<P>Any thoughts?

John - I've been following your posts. Sounds like the thing to do now is lay low and wait for her to make a move. Rick gave good advice. She may be totally unpredictable now. Can't remember how old your kids are, but in some states there are mandatory waiting periods before divorces can be final if there are minor children. In my state (Maryland) the period is one full year of separation. So, just because she files doesn't necessarily mean you're divorced next week.<P>Just remember, right now, you are the scum of the earth. How dare you upset her perfect plan? You have to roll with the punches.<P>WAT

John M. said: "When she called me yesterday she stated she did not want me to ruin anybody else's life. That is not what I want or meant to do. That is how she percieves it."<P> I'm sorry for butting in...I just wondered what on earth she figures would happen to OM's W if he ever leaves his W for your W? Ugh... WS seem to have such a warped sense of "integrity."<P>BTW, John, hope this works out for you. I haven't followed your story, but I was caught by your title... made me grin Hope it doesn't backfire on you.<P>~~Mynabird

Rolling with the punches is what I am trying to do. I can't help but think of all the mistakes that I have made to get my marriage to this point. My wife has been hurting and has completely turned away from me. Her comments and actions leads me to believe that I have wrecked her life.<P>She still is not talking to me. Unless it has to do with the boys.<P>In my heart I can feel the desire to stay together and build a wonderful marriage and family life. If that will happen is doubtful. These are things I wanted all along. Is it wrong to continue to prefer these things? And I know she wanted these things as well. I don't know if she will ever put a priority on these things again with me and the boys.<P>She loves her children I know this. She however does not love me.<P>In light of my situation, when should I attempt to converse with her about recent developments? Am I on my last leg?

No, you should look at it as being on the first leg of your new marriage!<P>Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. If she's not ready, go yourself. Consider using the Harleys.<P>One thing you can't do at the moment is rush things or expect things to get better quickly.<P>WAT

We all doubt ourselves sometimes. But there are lots of people who didn't want their marriages anymore, while the other did (and fought for it). If neither one does, it will probably end. So if she won't fight for it, then that leaves only you. You aren't wrong to want your marriage. You just have to Plan A (as best you can) and hope that she sees how wonderful you are. You can't focus on the past mistakes. Can't change that. You can only change the future for the better.

Well she is off to the attorney's office tomorrow at 11:00 AM. I feel I should speak with her this evening but do not have the foggiest idea what to say. My sister is coming to visit us this evening at my wife's request. She may have invited my sister over in order to prevent us from having any conversation.<P>Any suggestions on what I should say to her if anything at all? Mind you, she is deeply entrenched. Maybe I should tell her that I think it is OK that she is seeking the advice of an attorney. Divorce is not easy you know. Lots of issues.<P>Well, any advice or insight is appreciated.<BR>