Help: I am 57 and my wife is 46. We have been married for 23 years and have a son together. He is 21. I have two grown children by a previous marraige and she has 1 son whom I adopted years ago.<P>In Dr. Harley's book "His Needs - Her Needs" on page 18 he makes the statement "While it's true that two inherently incompatible people might marry, it's unusual." I firmly believe that is our case. Throughout his book he makes references to reigniting the fire of love and how we "fell in love" in the beginning. We both agree that we did not "fall in love" and that there never was any great passion. When our son came along (which was nearly a miracle considering the infrequency of marital sexual relations) he became my whole life. I suspect that he was our only common interest. I love her and she loves me but we are not "in love" with each other. Until just recently we have not had sex for over two years. Our sex life was maybe once every other month. When we do, it is very one sided. She does not like sex and tells me it is because she was abused as a child. We rarely have anything to say to each other because we no longer have our son at home I suppose. We have both been to counselling (together and seperately). Now comes the affair. I fell in love with my secretary. We had a torrid affair which lasted about a year. I got caught and broke it off although, as stated in Dr. Harley's book I can't get her out of my mind although there is a twist - I think. I broke it off with her and had to go to Washington, D.C. for about 4 months for work. I hardly ever thought of her. However, since I heard that she was seeing someone else (whom I know and dislike immensely) it is as though my heart has been torn out. She is only 30 (remember I am 57) and she has two children, 3 and 2. My head says that it could not work, but my heart says it could. Our kids are 37, 35, 30 and 21 and we have eight grandchildren. I want to be "in love with my wife", I really do. But how do you make yourself fall in love with someone? I really need help. Could a marriage with my lover (age 30) ever work. How do I leave someone who has been really good to me for 25 years? She does not like to be held or kissed. I have NEVER seen her completely naked except in the bedroom with the lights out - and that is very rare. She has not touched me (intimately) in over 20 years. Please - someone help me. PS - we are upper middle class as far as income goes and have managed to secure a comfortable retirement. We both have college educations. I am retired military and now a Federal employee and my wife has worked for a local utility company for 25 years. Help - Help. <P> <BR>

I was wondering - is your wife content w/your marriage? What was her reaction when she learned of your affair? Are you both willing to make changes to meet eachothers needs? Magoskid

wusser,<P>You think there is any chance that a marriage with someone younger than your kids would work out? How do you think your kids would feel about it? Are you willing to give up your relationship with your children just to take a chance on a relationship with her? Is she more important than your children? My H left us for his affair partner almost 2 years ago, and our two oldest kids want nothing to do with him. They were both teenagers at the time - one figured out immediately that he'd been having an affair, and hasn't spoken to him since. Don't think they won't take it personally, because they probably will. Our other teenage daughter asked how he could do that, when he knew how she felt about adultery. <P>This woman had a year long affair with you while her children were babies? Where was/were the babies' father(s)? What kind of mothering could she have been giving her children? - how could she even have had time to work, raise two babies, and have an affair? Could you trust her not to cheat on you as soon as she had the opportunity? What about when she is only 45, and you have a stroke or get prostrate cancer - is she going to be there for you? <P>I would suggest counseling with the Harleys, and finding a counselor who specializes in childhood abuse as well.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>wusser,<P>You think there is any chance that a marriage with someone younger than your kids would work out? How do you think your kids would feel about it? Are you willing to give up your relationship with your children just to take a chance on a relationship with her? Is she more important than your children? My H left us for his affair partner almost 2 years ago, and our two oldest kids want nothing to do with him. They were both teenagers at the time - one figured out immediately that he'd been having an affair, and hasn't spoken to him since. Don't think they won't take it personally, because they probably will. Our other teenage daughter asked how he could do that, when he knew how she felt about adultery. <P>This woman had a year long affair with you while her children were babies? Where was/were the babies' father(s)? What kind of mothering could she have been giving her children? - how could she even have had time to work, raise two babies, and have an affair? Could you trust her not to cheat on you as soon as she had the opportunity? What about when she is only 45, and you have a stroke or get prostrate cancer - is she going to be there for you? <P>I would suggest counseling with the Harleys, and finding a counselor who specializes in childhood abuse as well. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Nellie:<P>Thank you very much for your reply. I can't even begin to fathom how much you have been hurt. I know my affair was the worst possible thing I could have done to my wife.<P>Believe me I have considered the age thing over and over. As a matter of fact that (and getting caught) was one of the main reasons I broke it off. I am having an extremely difficult time getting her (my lover) out of my mind although intellectually I think it is because she is seeing that other person.<P>Our kids are out of the house now but I know that a divorce would devastate our youngest (the one who is 21 and my wife and I had together).<P>I have asked my wife to read "His Needs - Her Needs" and she is going to. Hopefully things will work out.<P>Unfortunately my former lover works in the same building as I do (as does her current companion). However, it is rare that I see her although he has an office next to me.<P>With the Lord's help I will get through this and so will my wife. She loves me very much.<P>Nellie, thank you for taking the time to respond. It is comforting to know that there are others out there with similar experiences and who care.<P>God Bless -<P>Wusser<BR>