I am so hesitant to hurt any of my friends here by posting something I should not.If that is what I accomplilish here I want to say that I am so sorry. What I am going to try to explain is to give you hope, not to break your hearts. I don't know if I am now a wayward spouse. I don't feel like I am. I don't know if the way I feel is the way wayward's feel...I hope not. <P>My husband and I have been seperated for 9 months. He had a two year affair, ended it, and began another before he left. I hope I'm not trying to justify by saying this. I just have not been around much of late and want anyone that reads this to have a little background.<P>I wanted to die. Something I don't have to explain to any one of you here. Literally, thought of ways...if it wasn't for my family I may have. Then, I wanted him to die. <P>The one expression that hit me on these boards time and time again was:<BR>"the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference".<P>Hate has given way to indifference for me.<P>This man was not lying, he has not loved me in many years. The fault for that lies primarily with him. I loved him with all of my heart. I admired him...adored him. I don't know why people stop. He has always been a person that has looked for something better around the next corner, and will always be that way. I could have done nothing to keep him home. I did a good Plan A...am now doing a good Plan B, but the indifference is deafening.<P>He was, the whole time, slowly, cautiously backing his way out of my life. One step at a time. He is not a monster. He never wanted to hurt me... every kind word he said to me was misinterpreted by me...as hope. <P>Please know that I see so much hope in many of the stories I keep up with here. With my husband there was no going back and forth...no confusion...it was all very planned out. I just didn't know it. <P>I am not a Marriage Builders failure. You people have literally saved my life more than once. I remember coming here before I had a "date" last summer with my husband and you encouraged me to look nice, be fun, dazzle him. He can't be dazzled my me anymore, but I sure as he!! gave it my best...and I can always say that. Thanks to you.<P>Ok, here come the flames. I have met someone. I won't go into details as it is new and personal and confusing. I know I'm not ready, and so does he. I just want to tell you that I think I have come through the worst of this. I may have not gotten what I wanted, my family, but I am learning that there is really, at the core of it, nothing wrong with me. It was him. It isn't you either...we work and fix and change and learn. We took a magnifying glass and found every flaw in ourselves, and set out to fix each and every one of them. We really will be better for all of this. I hope to God that each and every one of your marriages is restored. The success stories on these boards are remarkable, and make me somewhat envious. It's a lot to give up...I know that when my children get married that their father and I will show up in different cars. When we become grandparents, we will never get to babysit together. I didn't make this choice...it was all I ever wanted.<P>There are good men/women out there. There are people like us, that have been hurt, but are willing to risk it again. It's a huge risk. <P>I will always love my husband. He was it for me...I would have never looked...no matter how many of my needs were not being met. He has proven to me after these months that he really does not love me. It's not a fog...it's indifference. <P>This is NOT to say it's the same for your wayward spouses. I have to begin to accept, or I will be bitter and ugly. The best thing about acceptance is that it's the last stage...though the most difficult. You start to see that little bit of light when you enter into acceptance. <P>Would I feel this way if I had not have met someone? Honestly, probably not so soon. I am human. I want to be told I'm pretty and funny and a good person. I want to have fun and have things to look forward to. <P>I didn't want to drop off of these boards and never say thank you. I know what I am doing is wrong according to most of you here. I just want you to know that that there are good people out in the world that know what we've been through. I mean, the whole magnitude of this. <P>Boy, I'm being deep here...sorry folks.<P>Thank you all for saving my life.<P>~you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need. (The Stones)<P>allison

**taking off SCUBA gear** <P>I really don't know what to say. I certainly will not fault you for meeting someone else. I guess my only concern is that you don't get hurt any more than you already are. I know I'll get lamblasted for this, but I don't feel that you are betraying your "husband" here. He made the choice to move on without you...and bless your heart, you tried so hard to make things work. But you can't put your life on hold forever, you have a right to happiness, and I truly hope that you find it.<P>I applaud the effort that you've made. I also applaud the fact that you're moving on with your life. So many people, especially betrayed spouses, lose themselves when they work to rebuild their marriages. Then those people who can't make their marriages work in the end feel even emptier because they're by themselves, and they can't even remember who they were. I'm proud of the fact that you're not going to let that happen.<P>Alli, you were the first person to respond to my first post. You have been such a great help to me throughout all of my struggles, and I am so grateful for that! I hope that you will still come here and post - I think that you could help many people. <P>I wish you the best, hon! <P>Hugs,<BR>(the other) Ali

I know exactly how you are feeling - don't beat yourself up over meeting someone - when I came out of the fog of my marriage, I opened my eyes and saw a whole different world in front of me. <P>I too have met someone very special, that has been hurt, but wants to love - my husband, he is not ready to grow up and won'r go back to the emotionless life I have lived for 20 years. <P>Don't feel badly about being happy and feeling alive again. We all deserve happiness..I wish you the best of luck.<P>Take care....J

az,<P>Though I've followed much of your story, we haven't posted much to each other...<P>I would be the last to flame you. Whether it is legally or not, I believed my marriage was over the first day he crossed over (back in '98).<P>I have responded on some threads like this where the BS has met someone. My main concern has always been that you be sooo careful. It must be a good feeling after sooo long...<P>I think you probably know that it often takes more than nine months for reality to set in. I read lonesome's thread, they are getting back together after two years. But only you can decide if you really want to just wait it out. I really have no idea what I would do in that situation. Although we had the same issues you describe, that he had never really loved me; he ended his second affair soon after his confession.<P>I'm not good at finding the old threads, but there was a really good one about the dangers of getting involved too soon.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I may have not gotten what I wanted, my family, but I am learning that there is really, at the core of it, nothing wrong with me. It was him. It isn't you either...we work and fix and change and learn. We took a magnifying glass and found every flaw in ourselves, and set out to fix each and every one of them. We really will be better for all of this.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YOU GOT IT! <P>

HI Allison,<BR>While I have read some of your posts, we never talked much. It was not too deep-I did not need the shovel!<BR>The warnings are all there from others-be very careful my friend. <BR>But at the same time, you have to trust that there are good people out there-that there is someone for you. You have a good heart, and this other person recognizes it! <BR>All of us have experienced some aawful things, but we must not lose faith, hope or the ability to love. It is very heart warming to read that while your marriage is not going where you want it to, YOU ARE! (I think you were well on your way before this other person came along)<BR>Go girl,<BR>aloha, cl<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited January 30, 2001).]

Hey Allison, You know how I feel about it. I think you have done all you can. I think it is time for some R and R. Just don't commit until you know it is right. You'll know when.<P>Beth

Allison,<P>You are not thinking you can say goodbye to this board,are you? I know you are way too addicted to stop. <P>And we would all miss your compassionate responses.<P>I'm not sure I agree with your anaylsis of your H, but you know we can all see more hope in others situations than our own. I do see much hope for all of us tho.. restored marriages or not. We are all different, stronger people then when we first started posting here so long ago. I am so greatful to all of the people here for getting me through those awful days when I thought I was the only one going through this. When I thought I was crazy cause my H was just friends with OW. Now I do know I will survive and go on and even if he doent come back it will all be OK. Different, not what I had planned, but OK.<P>And I even hope one day I can move on. <BR>Lora

Allison,<BR>I'm glad to see you find some happiness! You deserve some! Life on this planet is finite and there's only so much waiting around we can do. That quote about indifference really jumped off the page when I read it too. It is so true. It also succinctly describes the major portion of my 14-year marriage. <P>I share the same reservations as Lora, though. Meeting someone new at this time is definitely in the high risk category. I tend to question the absoluteness in your assessment of your H. Remember, I'm looking through glasses tinted by the color of my marriage here. <P>You may or may not recall that I had an opportunity to housesit for a month. I moved out, and my indifferent H became even more withdrawn. I convalesced the first two weeks and tried to revive my heart and spirit that had withered into dust. I waited for H to show even a fraction of an ounce of interest. After 2 1/2 weeks, I gave up on him and started visualizing a life without him. I started making plans for dissolving the household and the resemblance of a marriage. It seemed like he started coming around the very minute I made that decision! Now I'm the one who feels indifferent. <P>Allison, you're an intelligent woman, and I recognize that you're making an accurate assessment of your H. You've run the gamut of grief over your marriage. I hope I'm not being presumptuous in asking you this, but I'm curious about your response. Let's say that your H suddenly has a change of heart tomorrow. You've thoroughly grieved the loss of your marriage and you're ready to move on. What would you do if he wanted to restore the marriage at this point?

Allison,<P> Its Beth checking in with you.Your posts have always effected me emtionally,as this one does also.<P> It does sound tempting to give up all the uncertainty,and the pain ,and just start all over with someone who appreciates you.<BR> I am not sure I agree either that your H is indifferent,that he is not in a fog.<P> Dont quit writing us,I will miss hearing from you.<P> Love and Prayers,beth

Allison,<P>Glad you have come throught the worst of it. Your words about your H's indiffence could have been spoken about mine.<P>Couple of questions, think someone has already asked you but if your H called & said he wanted to come back what would you say? If the answer is forget it, it is time for you to file, if not don't get yourself hurt. Okay.<P>Wishing you well.

Allison - your honesty and good sense of right and wrong will guide you.<BR>Good luck,<BR>Dave

I loved your post, Allison. <P>It was very intimate and touching. Thank you for sharing. <P>Isnt there a whole world of different kinds of people here with different kinds of problems, stories, experiences? I admire you for sharing your's, and I can bet it will help someone else!!<P>Thank you,<BR>ILAC<P>"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John14:27

AZ -<P>You know, the whole point about this forum is to recover from infidelity. The hope is that marriages will be built or re-built. But, in certain situations, when one partner is willing (and has tried above and beyond the call of duty) and the other is not, I think it becomes a situation of survival.<P>I am a WS - you are not. <P>I would hope that you tie-up any loose ends with your H before "moving on" with someone else. Free yourself from him first, and then take it slowly. You held on to your marriage vows - under the worst of circumstances, you tried to save your marriage for a long time (I know you've been around at least as long as I - probably even longer).<P>Some marriages survive and become stronger, some don't. It's not because of a lack of caring on your part, but a marriage takes two people. You are a good person, you should be happy - but remember that happiness, true happiness comes from within. Don't rely on anyone else to make you feel happy, confident, pretty - whatever. It comes from within. You have it, but just remember that.

, , etc.<P>Running out the door. I'm happy for you. You deserve some joy in your life.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

No flames here! I'm happy for you, Allison. You DESERVE this. There HAS to be a point where you say enough is enough. For some people, divorce is inevitable, and I suspect that's why the Harleys have a Divorced/Divorcing board here...maybe you and I should move there!