For the betrayed: How many of your WS just, out of the blue, confessed that they had been having an affair? I didn't suspect a thing and my H just floored me when he did this!<P>For the WS: Did any of you do this? Just confess without being caught first. If so, why?<P>Thanks in advance for helping me to understand this.

My H would have denied it with his dying breath, even after leaving me for 4 months and living with her. I had a funny feeling, he was acting weird. So I picked up the phone one day and pressed redial. I asked for his former secretary and it was her. He of course had no reason to be talking to her. To this day I don't know what lead me to pick up that phone or how I knew it was her. He denied and denied. Told me I was paranoid, making up fantasies and they were just friends and he would never speak to her again since I had such a hissy fit about him having a friend. For the next 2 weeks he acted like a total pr-ck, then announced he wanted a divorce. He still denied that she had anything to do with it and denied he was even talking to her. The whole time we were apart he denied it. Then he changed his mind about everything as time went by. The night he todlher it was over and he was coming home for good she called and told me everything.

I can't tell you how much I wish I'd confessed. My poor H thought he was going crazy b/c he was suspicious and didn't know why. The A went on for 6 months and for 6 months I acted like a total b**ch.<P>My confessing would have been better than my H having to find out on his own by putting a tap on our phone and hearing my conversations with OM. It makes me ill to think of how he must have felt when he first heard those conversations.

Angelface-<P>I am a WS and I confessed my A to my H. He didn't know anything was wrong. My friendship with the OM led to an EA and then to a PA over the course of about 6 months.<P>I told my H about the affair for several reasons. First, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Second, I knew that I still loved my H, but I couldn't understand what went wrong - why would I have had an affair? I mean, I never went looking to have an affair, but I had very low self-esteem and when the OM kept pursuing me, well, I just couldn't say no. Third, the lies and the deception were eating me alive. My H and I are best friends, and I could never keep a secret from him. I could have never told him - and he wouldn't have know. But, I just felt so bad, so dirty, so sleazy. For me, I had to tell him because I was crying all the time anyway - I think he would have known something was up. And, finally, I couldn't imagine living my life without my H. When it came right down to it, I loved him and I wanted to "fix" whatever was wrong in our marriage - so that we could both be happy and have a long-lasting and healthy relationship.<P>Telling my H about the affair was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But almost 11 months later, I'm glad that I did. I made a huge, horrible mistake. In fact, I felt so much remorse over what I had done that I could barely look at myself in the mirror. If it weren't for my H and his love for me, I don't think I would be here today, writing this post.<P>I think I had to tell my H because I loved him and because I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him - but that also meant fixing our relationship - so that he and I both could be happy.<P>I think by confessing, my H has learned to trust me a lot quicker than other BS. I mean for me, if I could tell him something like this - "out of the blue" - then I really couldn't keep any secrets from him. I'm only sorry that I didn't reach out to him earlier - before the A.<P>My H and I have been in recovery for almost 11 months, and I can honestly tell you that I love him more today than on the day that I married him. I now appreciate him for the man that he is, and I have a new appreciation for our marriage. He has shown that he loves me for who I am - regardless of what I have done. And, I know that I have hurt him beyond imagination. That's why it was tough for a long time - I really couldn't believe that I was the kind of person to have an affair, the kind of person that could be that cruel.<P>But, by coming to this site, reading some of the books recommended and really working through this together, we have been able to survive and even thrive.<P>I can only imagine how you must feel. No, you didn't derserve any of this. But, I do have to give your H some credit for confessing. Obviously, he does have a conscience, and believe it or not, he does love you - even though that is very difficult to believe right now.

I was kind of like susie7753, I did npt say anything untill it was discovered. It was kind of like I didn;t want anybody to know but yet i did, if that makes any sense. My Wife thought she was going nuts-- she knew i was talking to the OW but that was it. Wasn't until the fog lifted that I relized how cruel I was. So how did my wife discover?? I had a lock box hid in the barn with letters, cash, contraseptive films and empty packages. The box was locked but not closed properly-- kids found it. They thought they hit the jackpot with the cash. Needless to say, it was the worse way for the wife to discover. She read ALL of the letters and counted the empty film packages. I got home from work and sher said nothing for about 1/2 hr then it slowly spilled. She took all the evidence into the pastor of our church.. and here I am.

I had a lock box hid in the barn with letters, cash, contraseptive films and empty packages. >>><P>Oh my God. That would be so horrible to find. I really feel for her. tho have that concrete visual evidence in your hands. Yuck.<P>I got home from work and sher said nothing for about 1/2 hr then it slowly spilled.>>><P>It's interesting that she didn't confront you righ away. I was the same thing. H and I were separated (he was secretly living with OW). The day he moved home was when I found out. He ended it with her and while he was on his way from her house to home she called and tattled. I didn't say anything about the call for over 2 hours after he was home. He didn't seem surprised when I told him (just scared). In retrospect I'm sure she was screeching "I'm going to tell your wife, I'm going to tell your wife...." as he was headed out the door. Guess he was probably sweating pretty bad! I know he would much rather I never knew for sure, but at the same time he was probably glad she had nothing to hang over his head anymore. I also bet he was glad he wasn't here at the time she called. Of course none of it panned out for her. She was hoping he would walk in the door over here and I would kick him right back out.<P>

SKM,<P>Thank you so much for your response. Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions? Did you tell the OM that you were going to be confessing to your H? My H and his OW talked about many, many things.....yet he didn't discuss with her that he was going to confess the affair to me. BTW, he came straight from her house to ours when he told me, so he had the opportunity to let OW know. Also, did you tell your H the entire truth when you confessed? My H told me about the affair but lied about nearly all of the details....it took over a year to get all the lies straightened out! One last question....Did you continue to see the OM after you told your H? My H kept in contact for a month or so afterwards. It's been 3 years since D-day and these questions still bug me!!!! Thanks so much for all of your answers. I think that it's fantastic that you and your H are recovering so well. Lots of luck to you both.<P>Thanks also to everyone else who replied to my question. It seems that the majority stick with the "deny, deny, deny" rule....

During the affair I was sure one was going on, I just couldn't prove it. We married a year later and on our 1 week anniversary he told me of the affair. In retrospect, I believe he told me when he did because he needed to start our marriage with a clean slate, so to speak. That was not the outcome but I believe he had the best of intentions.

Angelface -<P>I don't have a lot of time to post, but I'll try to answer your questions the best way that I can.<P>(1)Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions? Not at all .<P>(2) Did you tell the OM that you were going to be confessing to your H? My H and his OW talked about many, many things.....yet he didn't discuss with her that he was going to confess the affair to me. BTW, he came straight from her house to ours when he told me, so he had the opportunity to let OW know.<P>I never told the OM that I was going to confess to my H. We talked about many, many things, but I do believe the OM was completely shocked when I sent him an email the day after my confession - basically, a no contact letter. Like your H, well, not exactly. . .Once the EA went to a PA, I felt really, really horrible. I really didn't know what to do. So, after being with the OM, I avoided my H until the next day. I went to work, couldn't concentrate at all, knew I had to tell my H, wrote him a letter and took about a hundred walks "worry walks" - needless to say, even though I was at work, I wasn't. I wanted to make sure I told my H everything - particular that I loved him, that I was truly sorry for what had happened, and that I would understand if he wanted to leave me, but I hoped that we could work it out. <P>I normally get home from work about 1/2 hour before my H did at that time. So, I was crying my eyes out in the bedroom, when my H came home. He, of course, was very concerned and I asked him to read the letter while I just sat there crying. He didn't yell, he didn't get angry. He kind of cried - but he said later that he was crying only because I was, and that he felt bad that I was being so hard on myself. He forgave me immediately, and amazingly asked me if there was anything he did/didn't do to push me away. And I told him that I didn't understand it at all. That very night, my H and I talked, we cried, we held each other, and we burned my confession letter to him.<P>The funny thing, well, obviously it's not funny, but that night when I was out with the OM, he asked me one simple question "Why be married?" Meaning, I guess, if I was with him, why would I want to be married. I never told him (the OM) but that was what I couldn't bear. I wanted to be married, and I wanted to be married to my H - I had no future with the OM. My H was such a better man. I still just don't understand the attraction. . .to the OM.<P>After I had confessed to my H - told the OM never to contact me again - that I loved my H and that I wanted to try and work things out - he kind of aksed me what was going on. And, I said, I told my H everything. The phone went silent, and I could only imagine his shock. I mean, I guess I led the OM to believe that I had no morals, that I had no problem with an impromptu liaision, because I never came right out and told the OM that I still loved my H - I guess he was a little surprised. I guess he just didn't believe that I felt that bad about lying to my H, about deceiving him, but I really, really did.<P>(3) Also, did you tell your H the entire truth when you confessed? My H told me about the affair but lied about nearly all of the details....it took over a year to get all the lies straightened out! <P>I gave my H the nuts and bolts of everything in very general terms. I kind of just told him the important stuff. and, then I offered to answer any questions that he had. The only questions that he had (1) was it a co-worker - no; (2) was it a mutual friend - it was someone he had met, but was not a mutual friend. At the time, I was very uncomfortable about telling him who it was exactly, but he never asked. Basically, my H said that he preferred to think of him as a blob, that he didn't want to put a face/name with the actions. If my H ever asked me another question about the A - I would answer him honestly - even if he wanted to know who it was - and I think he probably has figured it out on his own, but we refer to the OM - as Oscar Meyer.<P>(3) Did you continue to see the OM even after you confessed to your H? My H kept in contact for a month or so afterwards. It's been 3 years since D-day and these questions still bug me!!!! <P>Okay, here's the deal, and again, not much time to post. All of the above information relate to my second confession - hold on to your seat, and I'll explain what happened.<P>Friendship with OM turned to an EA then turned into a PA (within about 3 months). Immediately, felt horrible, sleazy, disgusting. Cried my heart out, confessed everything to my H, H forgave me. But, and this is a big but, I never found this site, we never got counseling, basically we were "winging it." So, mistakenly, I thought I could remain "friends" with the OM. And we didn't see each other much, but we emailed and talked on the phone pretty regularly. so, the vicious cycle repeated itself. Talk about hard things to do! I confessed once about the most horrible mistake I have ever made, and here I had to do it again. Friendship, turned to EA and then went to PA, OM asks "Why be married," immediately felt horrible, cried, asked H for forgiveness, H gave it to me - again - read a book on infidelity - sent message to OM telling him I confessed, don't contact me leave me alone. This second confession was the real thing - not that I wasn't mortified before, but I fell into the same trap as I had before - I fell for the bait again - hook, line and sinker. After the second confession - I started looking up information on infidelity, found this site (which has been a God send for me and my H), and really and truly began to recover and work on my marriage - that was 11 months ago (since the second and final d-day).<P>Okay, so, I'm going along - no contact for the OM for two months. I was in withdrawl, but coming out of it very quickly. OM contacts me. For about two weeks, we exchange emails, phone calls - I never contacted or called him first - he called me - so to me (I know it's warped) it was no contact. Unfortunatetly, that old cycle was starting to turn again. I came to this site wondering if you could ever be "just friends" with the OP, and got a resounding no. Jolt back into reality - told my H about the contact. H wasn't too worried - at least I was being honest. Deep down I don't think he liked me talking to this guy, but he trusted me. He even said that if you can promise me that you will be only friends with this guy - then go ahead. Problem: OM calls me almost the next day, jokingly invites me to his hotel room, immediately decide for myself that I can never be friends with him - I never sent another no contact letter, but I stopped answering his calls, deleted emails - I avoided him at all costs. Again, OM knew that I had confessed to my H - so he was really tempting fate. . .<P>I avoided the OM and pretty much assumed that he got the hint, but four months later, out of the blue, he calls. This time, I was in a very different frame of mind. I had just gone throught six months of agony, six months of hating myself, six months of feeling so horrible over what I had done, that I tried to kill myself twice (lovely, huh). Before, I told the OM that I didn't want to say in contact with him - because I wanted to try and work things out with my H. I did it for my H. But after months of agony over this, I really came to appreciate my H in a whole new light. He is my rock. If he wouldn't have beent here for me, I don't know where I would be right now. Needless to say, I didn't feel real good about myself or what I had done for a long time, so after four months, I was beginning to fell better. Then, Bam, the OM calls. It conjured up all these awful feelings. I cried - thinking that I would never be able to live with this, that the OM would "always" haunt me. I told my H about the latest contact (at this point, I was totally honest with all of my feelings, thoughts, everything, so my H knew how much the OM calling mad ME hurt). So, my H got upset. I wrote a second no contact letter, this time explaining all that I had been through - that I loved my H, that I was an emotional wreck because of what I had done. I told him that I was sorry if I ever led him to believe that we could ever be friends - I had crossed that line and there was no going back. And, I played on his sympathsies. He probably didn't care much for my H - I mean he had an affair with me, and he kept calling - out of the blue - I guess to see if I was still with him. But, whatever we had, I knew that he probably cared more for me than my H, and I basically said leave me alone, because I hate being reminded of this horrible mistake, and of how cruel my character was at one point. That was almost three months ago - and I doubt that I will ever hear from him again.<P>So, I made some mistakes with no contact - that's for sure, but luckily I learned my lesson in time. Basically, had I found this site earlier - I don't my EA would have gone to a PA, and I am pretty positive that there wouldn't have been a resumption of the A.<P>After the second confession, I was always honest to my H about everything - except those two weeks when I was playing with fire. But ultimately, I did tell him the truth - and have been telling him the truth since then.<P>I guess I just have a question for you, , why after three years des all of this - I guess the unanswered questions, the lies and unraveling of those lies - why does it still bug you? Is it that it's finally straigtened out after three years, and you want to put you mind at ease? Or has something happened recently to question your trust for him? It's been three years since d-day, right. . .so why the questions? I don't mean to be rude, but obviously there's either something going on now - that calls you to question him - or you stil have some unresolved issues. What's going on?

SKM...I appreciate so much you taking the time to tell me your story. So much of what you write sounds just like my H and his affair. I'm sure that I'll have a million questions for you...if you don't mind. As soon as I get a chance I would love to tell you my entire story (right now I've got 4 kids due home from school any minute). <P>To answer your question, nothing new has happened lately as far as my H and our recovery goes. His story was always a little hard for me to believe (mostly because he lied so much in the beginning). But somewhere around the year and a half mark I decided that we were doing well and I just accepted that I may never know the truth. Somehow something clicked, and it just didn't seem to matter as much anymore....all that mattered was that we were recovering nicely. So my "mission for the truth" just sort of tapered off at that point.<P>BUT, one thing that may be causing all these feelings and questions to resurface is this: A few months ago my sister's H left her for OW (only 1 month after being married). I have spent many, many hours comforting her and helping her thru this. Then in November my best friend's H did the same thing. So I am dealing with their raw emotions daily. It seems to be bringing back bad memories and setting me back some. I don't think that there is much that I can do about it though, because I am very close to them and they both rely on me for support. <P>Thanks again, SKM. And as soon as I get a free moment I will post more about my H's affair and what all happened. Take Care!<p>[This message has been edited by Angelface (edited February 08, 2001).]

I got so cought up reading SKM's stuff that I forgot to answer this one .<P>1st Affair (17 yrs ago) Wife confessed. She was a Graduate-engineering student and OM was her study buddy. The PA was a 1 nighter (or more correctly an all dayer). She confessed do to the pressure of the guilt. I don't think there was a whole lot of EA there. It's just the way my wife is sometimes.<P>2nd affair (about 3 mo's ago) Coworker and her best friend's husband. I caught them. No confession. (yes, she is in theropy now and maybe forever) I tapped into one of their email accounts and kept it to myself. Confronted wife with a story of "my suspicion with no proof". Watched my wife lie her [censored] off. My wife values honesty above all. I doubt I have the whole story as yet. The whole thing was pretty cheap and ugly. I think the realization of what she had done to herself contributed to her fairly rapid emergence from the fog. Of course bringing a VD into our family helped her decide that OM wasn't quite the guy she thought he was. I know this sounds pretty cold here but, I know my wife. I know that plan "A" wouldn't work to well with out a thundering great shock to get things started. I had to crush her "fantasy" before she could recover. Basically I made her lie repeatedly and then made her admit that she lied. I then through her out. She came right back (Thank you God!) and was ready to start recovery. I love my sweet wife dearly. I knew full well the risks I was taking. You have no idea how hard this was for me. I'm shaking now just remembering this stuff. Good thing I tend to panic after the fact.

Angelface - I would love to hear more about your story - if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm really nosey !<P>I think the problems that your sister and your friend are having explains why you need answers. I can see where their situations would be upsetting to you. My H and I have a great relationship now, and we can talk about everything - it's really a wonderful way to live. If this is really bothering you, why not talk to your H?<P>If his situation is anything like mine, and if what he has done in the 3 years since the affair has been good (maybe not the best recovery, but recovery), then I would explain to him how these other situations are affecting you and how you want to help your sister and friend get through this. You also may want to recommend to both your friend and your sister to check out this site - it could help them, too.<P>If you don't feel comfortable asking your H questions - or you don't want to dredge up the past - I think your present feelings would be reason enough to have a good talk. I mean, I can answer questions, share my story, and then maybe that will reassure you, but really, I am not your H - so some of the answers would probably be best coming from him. Even though he made a mistake - and severl thereafter - I did the same thing. It doesn't mean that I didn't love my H - or that I was going to run at the first sign of trouble. So, talk to your H, too. Let him know what's going on.<P>But, I'll be glad to answer any questions that I can.