Help!<P>Two weeks ago a more strict separation was put in place. Not necessarily plan b as it was too difficult with kids. Guidelines such as a visitation schedule and financial arrangement were made. He gave me his house key and ATM card at my request.<P>OW ended their relationship when she found out from me that he has been lying about divorcing me. As far as I know the relationship is still over so I'm assuming he is in withdrawl from a very very long term relationship. All this time he has been having his cake and eating it too. Lying to both of us.<P>It was his idea to remain separated and guidelines were put in place. (made by me) One of the guidelines was that if he called or left messages that the kids would answer or return his calls unless he specifically asked me to call him back. This weekend he called many times and the boys were gone so I didn't answer or return his calls as he didn't ask me to specifically. This made him angry as if I were keeping his children from him. I explained why I didn't call back.<P>It seemed like there was too much time in between visits with the kids so I offered some extra time and when that got screwed up he wasn't happy.<P>Last night was their second scheduled sleepover. He was to pick them up at school, take them to hockey practice and then to his apt. I put their clothes etc in garage for him to pick up. When I got home from work I discovered they had come in the house and hung out until hockey practice started. (There's a secret way to get in without a key)<P>So, to me it's not really that big a deal but in an ideal situation they probably should have found somewhere else to go for that time frame. The boys probably wanted to come in and get a snack etc. We have already had a couple confrontations regarding the guidelines this week. It seems as if he wants to blame me for everything that is not going his way but he is the one who wants to continue separated. <BR>On the one hand I just want to let this slide since we are in the beginning stages of this "new" way of being separated and we've already had some altercations regarding other issues. I am tempted to see if it happens again or if he will plan better next time. <P>What would you do?

I would major on the major's. If this is a major to you, then confront him and tell him he is not welcome in your home at any time. Otherwise let it go. I think this is one reason why Harley presses for the Plan B without any contact whatsoever. Good luck in your decision

I think what he's doing is pretty typical. When H and I separated the kids didn't want to go with him to spend the night at his place and he asked a couple of times "What are you telling them?" I wasn't telling them anything, they had it all figured out for themselves and didn't want their lives disrupted just because he chose not to live here.<P>I think this is a good opportunity for you to Plan A even though you are separated. Ask yourself "Do I want to die on THAT hill?" If he wanted to hang out while you were there that "might" be a different story, if you are determined to limit your contact with him. The short visit in the house was comforting for the kids too. If you tell him you don't want him there with the kids when you're not there, he could easily twist that to make you look even more like a "meany". I'd talk to him about it and ask him if he'd like to come to an agreement about being in the house when you aren't there. That way he continues to see that you are willing to negotiate. His anger at you just shows that he's getting a dose of reality about what it's like to be separated and ultimately divorced. I personally think it's a wonderful thing for WS to get that dose of reality. Afterall, that IS the way things will end up if they chose to continue their selfish behavior.Natural consequences to bad behavior help to change the behavior if those consequences are uncomfortable enough. You can continue to smell like a rose Hoping,just be nice and don't sweat the small stuff.Hold your head up high and keep appearing like you are doing just fine!

Derby and Mthrrhbrd,<P>Thanks for the replies and you are right. What happened was not life threatening or a major violation. I jut feel like he still gets to do whatever he wants.<P>I'm going to do my best and just deal with the biggies and not sweat the small stuff.<P>I hate this situation even though I'm the one that set up the guidelines. I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't even do.<P>Hoping

I know exactly how your feeling. I struggled with letting those feelings get the better of me. My H was depressed and having a MLC. It helped for me to view him as he was sick, for he truly was. Having that view, helped me to see him with some compassion for the obvious internal struggle he had going on inside himself.<P>Even with the ability to feel some compassion for his struggle, I was unable to accept any continued contact with OW without losing my love in a very short amount of time. I could not have Plan A'd with an ongoing affair in my face. I was one who gave an ultimatum, it was her or me, luckily he chose me,and she's not been an issue since. We still separated a month after d-day but he was back in 2 months and has been working diligently at making the marriage better. We have a better marriage now than we ever did. Hang in there. Sometimes some feelings and immediate reactions have to get stuffed. It's just not worth the consequences to make an issue of some things.<BR>Wishing all the best for you!