Does anyone else in recovery have a WS (or if you are a WS) who really seems to have blocked out the whole affair time period? We are almost at our 2 year mark and I think my H has truly blocked out a lot of this stuff. We don't discuss the affair or our separation anymore, we are beyond that as a couple. Things couldn't be better but I'm realizing how much easier it seems to be for the WS to forget than the BS.<P>Here's some examples:<P>He was looking through our photo album and noticed there were no pics from Xmas 98. We spent the day together but were still separated so I wasn't in the mood for picture taking. He thinks we forgot to bring the camera.<P>He was flipping through the channels one night and came across a particular movie and said "Oh, we've already seen this" The movie was out when he was with OW and I have never seen it.<P>We have horses. One of them is young and needed training. We were having him trained when he started the A and left. I cancelled the training becasue my life was crumbling, I didnt' know if I was going to have to sell them etc. So the horse is still not trained and I have to look for a new trainer (the old one moved away) He said to me "It's too bad the weather got bad before we finished getting her trained" Bad weather is right I guess!!<P>Is it just shame that causes the BS to block things out? Guilt? I know he just wanted to forget all about it and go on with our lives. But how come it's so much easier for the WS than the BS?

fairydust,<BR>your H sounds like mine... even though im only 2 months from DDAy.. my H actually sat there and watched a talkshow with me about love triangles or some such stuff. and he had the gall to look at me and say. id never put you through that. he lookes so sincere when he said it that i busted out laughing. i told him he already did. and he claims that cause he didnt have sex with her we dont fall under that catagory.<BR>some days he will call it an EA and other he claims they were just friends.<BR>either way he decieved me to spend time with her and to me that qualifies and an Affair.<BR>my only assumption to this behavior is H is trying to help me forget or that The guilt riddles him so bad hes in denial. <BR>i took look for feedback on this topic<BR>thanks <BR>OB<P>------------------<BR>"The human Heart is often the victim of the sensations of the moment; Success intoxicates it to presumption and disappointment defects and terrifies it."<BR>~~Valney~~

My WS is forgetful in this area too. She doesn't remember conversations that we have had or things that she has done. The one I can't forget that I wish I could is when she would pronounce that she could do whatever she wanted in the presence of OM & myself. She did this at least a half dozen times over the course of a year. At the time, I thought it was odd behavior. I would agree with her (I knew I couldn't control her) but I never said that I agreed because I trust you completely (20/20 hindsight). Anyway, she never recalls sayings this. There are other examples, but I think it's pretty typical and hopefully a good sign of recovery.<BR>

Same thing in my house. I guess the aliens who abducted our real spouses can't seem to figure out how to fix the memory leak in the clones they left us. <P><BR>I'm no psychologist, but I attribute this forgetful behavior to the fact that a truly kind and caring person could not hurt their spouse/friend like in the cruel ways WSs do. To be able to remember all that bad stuff at once is something would cause them to feel regret and remorse when their conscience is not ready to take on that huge burden. For me, I would rather they be that way until they feel some remorse instead of remembering it all word for word (like we do) and taunting us with it. <P>Mike<BR>

I am a WS, we are about a year into recovery. I haven't noticed this behavior too much, but maybe I do it and don't see it. I think this is an interesting question. I can think of two explanations that would apply to me. First, I have had a major struggle to forgive myself for the betrayal of my H,and for the betrayal of my own values. If I were to continue to dwell on a daily basis on each detail of the deceit and hurt of my A, I would eventually lose my mind. The only way I have found to recover and move foward, is too take all of the lies, betrayals, and put it in a box, called, "I had an affair." This box contains just about the worst of me. If I had to open that box every day and sort through each nasty detail, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. This does not mean I do not feel remorse, I certainly do. But the only way I can cope, is to feel remorse and guilt for the whole event. If I replay the whole thing in my mind, over and over, I would let the pain eat me alive. So, I view it maybe as one step in the process of self-forgiveness. <P>The other thing is more distasteful. I find that any of the "good" memories of being with OM I have to actively try to forget. Coming out of the FOG, during the first months, I mourned the loss of my relationship with OM. I now try to avoid "triggers" about any positive feelings I had, because the contents of the box are right there as well. <P>And finally, many of us WSs have proven our capacity for denial, by our behavior during the affair. In order to avoid our guilt, and inflicting additional pain on our sppouses, that denial may continue to be part of the coping.

I hope i dont forget..and i dont expect my wife to forget either.<P>Together we created a world where my EN's were so neglected that I was convinced that my A would hardly be the "Reason" we broke up after all she didn't love me anyway.<P>to have been so satisfied by (fantasy) the OW made the neglect obvious to me, the A may actually have been the only thing that saves my marriage- it is likely that i would have just left and hated my wife had it not become appearent what was missing in my life with her.<P>I have no desire to return to the life we had before the A, if that is the life waiting in the wings then I'll pack my bags now. i want to have the constant reminder in the back of my head that my wife has EN's and that it is my resposibility to meet them, and I want my wife to be ever vigilant at ensuring she is working toward meeting mine. <P>To ask for forgivness is one thing, to ask someone to forget or for me to forget how I did such a damaging thing seems somehow disrespectful. I owe my wife big for her fogivness and i want for us to work hard to not take each other for granted, that i have to be mindful of where her mind and heart is and that she be mindful of where my mind and heart is.<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Another WS, checking in. . .<P>Now that I think about it, I guess I have experienced some "memory loss." I kind of have two explanations - that may or may not help.<P>Explanation #1 - I was telling so many lies during the affair - that now, looking back on some things, I don't really know WHAT was real.<P>Explanation #2 - I stopped playing the fantasy over and over in my mind, and instead of remembering activities that occurred with the OM with a positive spin - I now attach all the hurt and pain of infidelity with them. Which is good in a way. Before, I could remember every detail of every conversation, I could remember every day we were together - down to the number of hours we spent together, I could remember where we went and when. When I stopped the fantasy, came out of the fog, and started in on true recovery, I have forgotten a lot of the details. This coming from the girl who knows the last day of contact with the OM - down to the minute.<P>I guess when I stopped attaching the "positiveness" to the OM and the A - those memories were gradually replaced - or I just didn't want to remember them, so I didn't. I think it is good that a WS can forget the positive memories of the A - then they can truly begin to recover. But, if I were your H, I think I would just say generalities like "I think I've seen that movie." I never moved out - but if my H asked me where I was on a certain day - I probably wouldn't have a clue if it was during the A.<P>So, there is some memory loss for me, I guess. But for me and my H, I guess, it's a good thing.

Another thing that I learned when going through this is to not correct or clarify the event to the WS when they don't quite remember. From my experience, no good has come from it. I sometimes feel cursed that I have such a good memory. Letting the comment pass and redirecting my thoughts to the present or future works for me.

Another thing that I learned when going through this is to not correct or clarify the event to the WS when they don't quite remember. From my experience, no good has come from it. I sometimes feel cursed that I have such a good memory. Letting the comment pass and redirecting my thoughts to the present or future works for me.>>><P>That is exactly the way I feel. The only time I ever sid anything was when he said that we'd seen the movie. He honestly did think he had seen it with me (he DEFINITELY wouldn't have mentioned it other wise). For some reason I piped up and said "I've never seen this" and he said "Yes, we did. I'm positive. Don't you remember?" It just bugged me so much I said "Well you didn't see it with me, apparently it was someone else." I could tell by the look on his face that he was mortified, apaprently I jogged his memory and he realized what he had done. He zipped his lip real quick and didn't say another word.

I took my husband's ability to so easily forget the ow and many details of the affair as proof that she and it didn't mean anything to him.....just a stupid mistake.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

She does the same with me concerning movies that I am sure she saw with him but not with me. No, I can't forget and healing is slow because I can't discuss it with her. I need this to get closure. So in order to get closure, I am writing in my journal to her the conversation that I would have with her if she were stable enough to deal with talking about what she has done.<P>She even had enough nerve to talk about a recent encounter with him at her part time job. I really didn't want to discuss him at that moment but allowed her to continue. I am studying up on how to approach her because I believe her psychologist believes she is bipolar. She has stopped taking her medication. However, she seems more stable than her crazy period which is what I think is cycling which occurred during the adulterous activity. (It helps to call it adultery rather than an affair.)<P>We are getting along a lot better. She confers with me on nearly everything. She even called me on Monday because she was depressed because her coworkers are lazy bums. I know this is all good. It also lets me know that she is beginning to separate me from her mother who probably caused her to be off center. Her mother was very demanding (she calls me demanding also.)<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net