I've been the BS so this is a little weird for me. My friend is the WS (female). She carried on a 3 month affair w/a guy from work and she felt that she loved him. She asked her H for a separation, he was shocked because he didnt think things were that bad between them. To make a long story short one night she broke down and confessed everything to him. The lies were killing her. To her surprise her H said he still loved her and was willing to work this out with her. However she must end it w/OM and leave that job. She agreed. She agreed because she believed her H deserved a chance but in her heart she doesnt know what she feels. She tearfully ended it w/OM and he said he loves her and wishes she didnt end it but he understood. Now her H is at home and she is a mess. She cries all day and feels like her whole life changed in an instant. It would have been easier if the guy was a jerk to her then she could be angry w/him but instead she feels that she loves him and is not sure if she will ever feel in love w/her H again. Meanwhile her H is taking care of her instead of dealing w/his own feelings because she's like a zombie. I speak with both of them on a daily basis and of course I can identify with the H a little more but I love my friend and want to help her throught this withdrawl. Can anyone offer advice or your own success story so that she can see that she wont feel like this forever. Thankyou, Magoskid

Without some counseling...<BR>...it'll be a tough road.<P>Some needs to give them direction...<BR>...teach them skills<BR>...measure success<BR>...keep them on the same page<BR>...use proven techniques<P>Going it alone will be tough.<P>I would recommend that they have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Have them check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P> <P>Jim

Hey mago - I've been in her shoes and yours too (WS 1st and BS also).<BR>I felt a lot like your friend. Cried all day, very emotionally detached, guilty, and frustrated with myself. Her H needs to be very supportive of her right now. You can help by listeing to her, but it'll really be her H that helps her through all of this. <P>My H was upset that he had to deal with his pain and try to help with mine, as a result it didn't get any better. She needs to go to counseling right away or else her depression will get worse. Mine sure did. I went to counseling nearly a year after I told my H, but by then it was too late because he had an affair himself. They also need to talk about what it was she needed that her H wasn't providing for her. I know - we all think but I was perfect! - but she really needs to identify what it was. For me it was the lonlieness. I almost relapsed once. I met some guy out and gave him my number - but I quickly squashed it after he called me. I told him that I was in a relationship and I needed to work on that. Since we didn't go out, or anything - he never called again. That was a good thing for me!<P>For your friend's sake - she also needs to get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. That was when I finally got out of my depression and was ready to deal with it. Talk to her and tell her she's not the scum of the earth even if she feels like it. Or else she'll keep beating herself up.<P>Good luck!<BR>Vee

Thankyou for replying. Vee, did you feel that you were "in love" with the OM? She questions herself because she feels she will always be in love with OM. Mind you its only been 3 days since DD. I've read that alot of WS have felt that the OW/OM was their soulmate at the time of the affair. She will not have contact w/OM and they have decided to go to counseling so I guess thats a step in the right direction. Thanks again, Magoskid

mago -<BR>I thought that I was. I was almost ready to throw away my marriage for another long distance relationship with the OM (he moved about 4 hours from where I live). The really big thing in all this is that they think they're in love. It's really infatuation (or was in my case). How long has she been seeing the OM? It was 3 months for me, so I didn't really form a "soulmate" opinion of the OM. During the "fog" most people do feel that the OM is their soulmate so it become very hard for them to give that person up. I still kept in contact with the OM after we ended the affair, which wasn't the greatest idea, but it seemed like he was the only thing that lifted my spirits. My H suspected it long before I told him and tried his hardest to restore my feelings for him. By the time I came around, the whole thing had come full circle. It's great that she's going to counseling. She needs to know that it'll hurt to dig into those issues, but it's really all worth it.<P>Vee

Thankyou so much Vee, I would bet my house that it is infatuation I mean its a 3 month relationship, she is 33 and he is 21 - she has 2 kids. It was complete fantasy land. She got alot of attention from him. Its like she is a teenager again and there is no telling her, she has to realize this on her own. Hopefully w/the help of a counselor and her H she will be ok. Thankyou again. Magoskid