My h has been having an emotional affair with a someone from his work that turned sexual about 1 yr ago. I discovered it in fall of 2000 and caught them at her house in January. I let him come home and it was a false recommittment. Then on 2/16 he left me to go live with her and returned home on 2/17. I let him move back in. He contacted her 3 days later. Then I caught an on going email message between him and her and on 2/28 and forced him to move out. He went to her house and stayed 2 nights all the while telling me he wanted to work it out. He agreed to do telephone meeting w/Jennifer at MB and we did that on 3/1. I went out of town on 3/2 and taped the phone line of course he and her were on it. I got to work and told him that I wanted him to hear something in my car, like it was making a funny noise. I then played the tape and he told me he would do anything that I wanted him to do if we could work it out. That he was just stringing her on. I told him that we needed to do additional telephone conferences with Jennifer, that he needed to write a letter of no contact and put into place the extraordinary precautions in the book surviving an affair. He wrote the letter, and we changed our phone number to an unlisted one. He still has his cell phone issued by the company. She no longer works at the company and it is unlikely he will either. They put him on probation over the affair. Both of my parents are being totally unsupportive of my decision to let him back into mine and our 3 childrens (ages 10,7,5) lives. We have been married 14 years. I constantly question whether or not I have made a big mistake by allowing him another chance and if my parents are right to tell me to get rid of him that me and the kids would be better with out him. To let him have his OW and let him suffer cause she isnt the person I am. He has even admitted that to me. Please give me support and tell me where I can get validation for what I am doing.

Dear zzz,<BR>I know how you feel, about the parents/friends thinking you are an idiot for taking h back!! Just when you need support too. My mother was very against it, and manages to turn a good day into a bad one whenever I see her. She puts doubt in my mind, when I'm having an otherwise ok coping day. She<BR>manages to put that familar stomach gripping hurt back, and<BR>all the doubts. Let me tell you it does not help very much at all!!!! You are doing the right thing, you are the one that has to face your children when they cry for there dad, and you are the one who has to get into your bed alone at night, and wonder and wonder and wonder, where he is and what he is doing, (all things that DO NOT aid sleeping!!)<BR>You are also the one who sees and faces his remorse, and who probably feel slightly guilty that maybe you did take him for granted before, and maybe weren't filling this emotional needs. Hey it occurs to me, maybe I'm dead wrong, and only thinking of my own situation here!! Hey, it's not easy. But when you have children, especially young ones, they must come first. Don't let that ow get him, fight back!! Your children do need there father, and are better off with him, and it seems to me as if it is what he wants too! GOOD LUCK.<BR>p.s. I stayed with mine, despite much advise to leave him, and he is a much better husband and father for it. (I hesitate to even admit that, because of the terror that something else bad will happen!!) Some days now I am even able to nearly think that the ow did me a favor. ok, I do mean only nearly. I do not like her very much at all, and that is being as polite as I can possibly be, and I am having an ok, not consumed by the whole thing day.

sorry, I feel a p.s. coming on here. About the validating.<BR>Just being at this site makes you realise that you are not the only one that has been/is going thru this. The statics prove that not only is it possible to fix things, you can make them better. Have you read the books people refer to on this site?Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, and after the affair by susan abrahms springs. People at this site swear by them. I haven't read them, I am in new Zealand, and they are unavailabe here, but I think you would find they would help you a lot.

You came to the right place, because you'll get nothing but support for what you believe in. Many of us here are currently fighting to save our marriages (including me), despite knowing that our spouses are involved in affairs. Mine moved out in November.<P>Most people think that if their spouse had an affair, that is it....marriage over. In reality, it doesn't work out that way. Once you understand the emotions that are working to cause them, you manage to look at it differently. As you would read in Divorce Busters, the answer to a marriage that has problems (with the exception of abusive and dangerous ones) is not swapping spouses. More 2nd and 3rd marriages end in divorce than 1st. 50%, 60%, and 70% respectively. Anyway, my point is that our spouses that have affairs, typically have gotten to the point of thinking the grass is greener elsewhere, and they almost always find out it isn't.<P>It makes sense to save your marriage, given that you have 3 young children. Do you think they would say that you should leave? NO. Many of us have the problem of what others, including family, think of what we do. I know that mine would not think I should take my wife back if they knew what she had done and is doing. I haven't told them the whole story, simply for that reason. I've only told some close friends, and those ones I know understand to some degree why I want to save my marriage.<P>Perhaps you can have your parents read Surviving An Affair, or even talk to Steve Harley or Jennifer. Just an idea. Regardless, you are doing what most of us are doing here....trying to save our marriages. It isn't easy. You should go to the Just Found Out forum, and find posts from OneGoing that point you to the intro stuff on this site. You should Plan A, avoid LBs, and fill your husbands ENs, and just let your parents know that this is what you want.<P>Know that you are not alone in not being supported by family and friends. That is quite common. You just have to do your best.<P>How is it going now with your husband? Are you familiar with Plan A, and all the other stuff here?

Dear Z,<P>You are among friends and those familiar with what you are going through. Unless you have actually experienced this horrible event(s), it is difficult to have empathy. <P>When I informed our families of what happened, I asked particulary my parents to please respect my decision. I know this was a difficult thing to ask of any parent. I know how I felt when I learned that this happened to a close friend. I was very opinionated and wanted to take swift action against the WS. <P>Now the situation is very different indeed. I have learned that I need to have patience and understanding. Those that I have taken into my confidence, I have asked for their patience and understanding as well. You know what, most of them are complying. They have proved to be very supportative of my decisions. Yes, they can have their own opinion and I did welcome their observations (even if it is different from mine). I consider it healthy to view my situation from other's perspective. <P>The point of all my jabbering is to tell those you need to that you would like to take them into your confidence but you need them to respect your decisions and thoughts. You need their support not their constant criticism. My mom at first was frustrated and started dumping past problems on me. I told her very gentlely but firmly that I did not need that kind of treatment from her at this time. I only needed to say it once and since then both my parents have treated me with love and respect. <P>Hope this is helpful. Take care and hang in there. We do understand. <P>L.

I agree with what the others have said. I also can tell you that I know exactly what you are going through. Everyone that knows about my H's affair (my parents, sister, cousin, and even my 2 sister-in-laws) think that I am crazy to try to save my marriage.<P>To make matters worse, I live with my parents. Although my father really doesn't say that much, whenever I talk about seeing my husband, my mom says something that makes me feel bad or gives me a funny look. I know that my parents hurt when they see me hurt. I am sure it is the same with your parents, too. However, it is YOUR life. YOU have to live with your decision. I do not even have any kids and I still think that my marriage is worth trying to save. Based on all the reading that I've done, marriages can thrive after affairs.<P>More importantly, your H is willing to speak with Jennifer. That means a lot. I have spoken with Jennifer, too. During a counseling session, Jennifer told me to ask my parents to just listen when I need to talk, and to NOT offer their opinions/advice. Unfortunately, my mom cannot do that--so, I just quit telling her anything regarding my marriage. I think that it is really sad, but I don't need her making me feel bad--as you know, we already feel bad enough! Ask your parents to just listen and if they still offer their opinions, just don't talk to them about your marriage anymore. Hopefully, your parents won't bring up the topic either, but if they do, tell them that you do not want to discuss it with them. Everyone likes to think that if they were in our situation, that they would leave their ws. However, unless actually faced with the situation, NO ONE knows how they would respond. So, just do what you think is right for YOU. Hope this helps.<P>Dolphin