Hey everyone,<BR>I'm feeling a bit down today as I had to say goodbye to my kids for 4 days when I left for work. They will be staying with their mother. It just doesn't seem fair to me that she can have an A, walk away from our marriage, break up two families, cause all this pain and devastation and still be able two go unpunished.<P>I feel that I am the one that is being punished through all of this. I have to give up 100% time with my kids...and now have to "share them" on a part time basis. I have lost my wife to some bozo that doesn't respect the sanctity og marriage, I may lose my home because it is difficult to maintain on one income, and I am the one that feels humiliated because it seems that this A has been going on for some time without me knowing. My W is one he** of an actor.<P>Now...a good thing that has come of all this, as I search for anything positive is that I now knoe that I can love someone unconditionally. After all the crap that my W has put me and everyone else through since this all began, I can still say that I love her. I can still say that I miss her terribly.<P>Can I ever trust her again...I don't really know. Can I ever believe another word that spews from her mouth..don't know that either. It is becoming harder every day. Is she the same woman that I married 10 years ago...no way (although she would argue that). Would I take her back...maybe. I know that I would consider it as long as she was willing to make some major changes! Do I still love her...yes. Is this mess ever going to work out? Eventually, but I have this sinking feeling that it will not be with my wife. She is so far gone right now that I can see her never coming out of the fog. <P>I do know that I have tried and done everything that I can to keep my family together. I will miss my kids terribly everyday they are gone. I have gotten back into playing music, which I gave up along time ago because I felt that my family was first and it took me away from them. I have met some wonderful people both online and out in the public. <P>I know life will go on, it won't be as I had hoped, but maybe it will be better...only time and god know the truth. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but it is in my hand for sure. As I fill out all this divorce crap that my lawyer needs, it makes this whole mess a little closer to home than I had ever imagined it would ever get. <P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions

Mike,<P>It never struck me until I was in this mess that society has made it too easy for someone to divorce their spouse. I too struggle with the utter inequity of a WS having an A, refusing to work on the marriage, leaving, and then still getting to see their kids. I understand that whether they deserve it or not, the kids need to see them. However, I firmly believe they have absolutely no moral right to exclude us from our children, ever!!!! Unfortunately, they have a legal right.<P>I have always felt that I would either love or hate my H for the rest of my life. It is hard to imagine a middle ground. If the worst happens for me i'm afraid it may be hate because after the tremendous pain he has caused me the final thrust of the petard is excluding me from my 3 little boys. <P>They are the only real hope I have for happiness going forward because even if I was willing to take the risk on another relationship, it is hard to imagine exposing my boys to that risk. If their own daddy who loves them a ton is willing to hurt them in this selfish way, how could I ever trust someone else not to?<P>One thing that I can tell from your postings over time is that you have become stronger through this. (Kinda like being tempered.) You are a good parent and a caring person and that will be the ultimate revenge. She'll need to live with the guilt and destruction she has caused and you know the statistics are such that her new relationship is alomst sure to fail -- hopefully soon enough to resurrect your marriage. Hang in there and take pride in fighting the good fight!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have to give up 100% time with my kids...and now have to "share them" on a part time basis. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is the one that gets me the most. She says that I took the kids away from her. Now, I'm the one that was there for them while she was out f**king around. I'm the one that wanted to save the marriage. I'm the one that took them to counseling to help them deal with this.<P>IMHO, she is the one that tried to take the children from me. If she wants her new life, fine. Have fun. But if you go, you go alone. And she did. But everytime we go to court, she manages to get more time with the kids. Really p**ses me off.<P>Got to go. Too many asterisks in this post.

Exhausted...<BR>Thank you for the inspiring words. It is so heartbreaking to think that these people can F*** up someone elses entire life and dreams and just go on about thei business without even any repercussions. In Maine we have no fault divorse, so you can do anything you want and then just walk away.<P>It should be...if you want to fool around and then leave your marriage...go ahead and leave, but leave with NOTHING!!! Of course there are exceptions...abuse etc. but for people who can't keep there pants on...TFB. See ya later...you get NOTHING. See your kids at MY convenience and when I say so.<P>Might make people think twice before they did something stupid. I bet it would cut down on the D rate!!!<P>Will I ever be able to trust again...I sure hope so. I would like to think that because my W was an idiotic fool, that there is someone else out there for me that will appreciate me for the good things that I offer. Her loss. I sure wish that it would be her. I love the old W...not the new self centered witch she has become.<P>GrandP!!!<BR><IMHO, she is the one that tried to take the children from me. If she wants her new life, fine. Have fun. But if you go, you go alone. And she did. But everytime we go to court, she manages to get more time with the kids. Really p**ses me off.><BR>Haven't got to the court thing yet...but I couldn't agree with you more!!!! Leave and you're on your own...YOU GET NOTHING!!!!! Well maybe a kick in the a** out the door!!!<P>Mike<P><BR>

Hi Mike,<P>I hear you, having just survived the first week of my kids living in my W's new place. They come home today for a week .<P>It really hurts to walk around the house at night, to not hear their little voices, to not watch them play, to not read them goodnight stories, etc. Especially after having worked so hard at trying to save the marriage and the family, while she was out "enjoying" herself. And then, she still gets to take the kids away from me on a half-time basis... Doesn't seem fair, does it.<P>Mike, you do have one thing going for you that is going to help you through this. You have a clear conscience, and that is waaaaay more than your W will ever have. She'll be stuck with the guilt forever, no matter how hard she tries to escape from it. So don't be so quick to think she will go unpunished; her kids will be her everyday reminder that she screwed up.<P>Sorry for your pain; I'm in the identical boat (but at least I get the kids for the next week! ).<P>AGG<BR><p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited March 08, 2001).]

Hi mbtrk,<BR>I was wondering how you were doing.<P>I don't have any wise words for you, my stomach churns just at the idea of divorce. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you from the other side of the world.<BR>I'm sure that you'll find someone else who appreciates you. The world is full of lonely women just waiting for a chance of domestic happiness.<P>I'm ashamed at the way I lost my nerve with my W when she refused sex last week, ashamed because when I look at your and other peoples' situations, I am way ahead of most people on this board, but still find the time to complain. <BR>After a great month, I just blew up and gave her a hard time: "you did it with OM in my house, blablabla", I'm sure you understand the rest. It was what you Americans on the board would call "major LB-ing"!<BR>She is just too psychologically ill at the moment to be interested in this aspect of our relationship.<P>I woke up this morning very calm inside,<BR>thinking I could live without my W, and hating her for allowing OM to use her and letting OM not respect her own husband. I wouldn't let anybody treat my W the way she let the OM treat me. I am simply astounded that this has happened, and somewhere along the line still have not accepted that it has happened, it's just unbelievable.<BR>I kept the family together for a month after she dumped OM.<BR>All credit to her, she dumped him immediately.<BR>So how will I feel about her tomorrow? Will today's resentment be forgotten? Having said that, most of the time I'm just fine, I think! We sleep together each night in each other's arms, and she really appreaciates that, and so do I. So why do I despise her the next morning?<P>I just can't fathom out what got inside her soul, and what was so terribly wrong with the relationship that she had to go out and do this. She still insists that it was mutual love at first sight.<P>She now has a "heart of stone", to use her own words.<BR>I'm not sure what that means. She just wants to sweep the whole thing under the carpet and get on with her life. Her therapy is devastating, but in France (or anywhere else?) you don't have the right as a H to ask what is discussed during the sessions. She just gives me a few crumbs from time to time, she doesn't talk about it, and I avoid asking.<P>That's enough about me, just wanted to give you an update.<BR>Hopefully Clouds, JustLearning, OOOO, WorthaTry, etc. will catch this post as well.<BR>Bye for now,<BR>Steve,<BR>your English friend from France!

AGG...<BR>Nice to hear from you. Yes we are in the same boat. I talked with W last night and she tried to squeeze out one more night. Which would have the kids with her Thurs-Mon.<BR>I said NO F ing way!!!! I want them back Sun at 6, just like they are supposed to be. So now we are in a dilemma about that. I could make points by letting them stay, but I really want to see them! It's been only one day, and I miss them terribly.<P>As far as guilt goes...she is so good at stuffing things that she could easily just cram all of this into the trunk where she crams everything else and just like her...it will be gone. She has stuffed some pretty heavy things over her lifetime and is real good at it. I hope that every time she looks at those kids and sees their faces, she feels the guilt that will eat her up from inside. Maybe then she will realize what she has thown away!<P>You hang in there...we are the good people in all of this, and no matter how hard they try to justify their actions...they will never be able to be fully trusted again. I do have a clear slate and hope that my kids see that as they get older. <P>Have fun with your kids!!!! I have a B-Day party for my daughter on Sat. 5 little girls!!! I will get to see my kids for 2 hours and then their mother takes them again for the rest of the weekend! I guess 2 hours is better than none!<P>Steve!!!! I have to go to work...I will write more later!! THanks for the thoughts...I can use all the positive thoughts I can get!!! I'll talk to you later!<P>Mike

Steve!<BR>So nice to hear from the other side of the ocean!! I always look forward to reading your posts! So it sounds like things for you are about the same. Lucky for you your wife is still in your bed! Mine is in bed, but I'm just not sure where anymore.<P>Since she left, she has been becoming a bit more irresponsible, if that was ever possible. Not taking the kids to school when she has them, showing up late when she is supposed to be somewhere. All of the things that I keep documenting, so that I have a record of her actions.<P>I can relate to the LB's. Everytime I get something from my wifes lawyer about this divorce, I just want to tell her to stick it up her...oops, can't say that...major LB! lol Every time I have to say goodbye to my kids because they have to go stay with her...I just want to scream in her face that she is a selfish bi*** and why would she do this to me and the kids.<P>I too have come to the conclusion that I can live without her. I prefer that my life go on with her in it, but not the way she is. I guess I want it more for my kids now than for me. I have been asked out on more dates in the last 3 months than I could have ever imagined. Haven't really taken anyone up on the offer except for dinner and conversation, but there are a lot of beautiful women out there that will appreciate the thngs that I have to offer, and it will be y wifes loss. She doesn't see that now, but she will someday.<BR>Judgement day comes in many ways and forms, and I can say that my conscience is clear. If she is capable of looking at our two beautiful kids, and can feel OK with what she is doing, then I really don't know if I want her around! Not only around me, but around my kids!!!! Parents are supposed to be role model...boy is she setting a great example for them to follow!<P>I hope that your situation improves my friend, as you are much better off than some of us right now. Keep the wind at your back and don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short for that. Talk to you soon!<BR>Mike

Mike,<P>I understand every word that you are saying. <P>I *know* that I love my husband, excuse me, stbx.<BR>But I absolutely despise what he's doing to our daughter and our families.<P>However, it's all like water off a duck's back. It might sit there briefly, but then it all falls away. <P>In communicating with him, I bounce between being the gittery schoolgirl who doesn't know what to do around a boy, to intimacies shared with my best friend/lover. I miss him so much, and my mind is in such turmoil.<P><BR>I read what you've written, and feel like I'm reading my own story.<P>It's nice to know that there's someone else out there going through exactly what I've been going through. Dealing with the same problems and emotions.<P>Thanks,<BR>~Amy

To all the wonderful fathers out there. keep upthe good job you are doig as a parent. My H doesn't seem to care for his kids at all and it pains me terribly, even more than he doesn't care for me.<P>I wish my H was like all you fathers out there that want tospend time with your kids and miss them and would do anything for them.<P>I think we should split the country in half; All the immoral, adulteress, child leaving, self centered people over there and all others , Moral , selfless, child loving, sacrificing, wonderful moms and dads, etc. over here.<P>Too bad you couldn't know all this before you got married.<P>Hopelessmom

Hopelessmom...it's too bad we couldn't seport them to some island where they could all have a fine time. Think of the trust that would be there. Not one person would be able to fall asleep without wondering about something. Send them off NOW!!!!! THanks for the caring words about parenthood. I waited until my mid 30's to have kids and I want to spend every moment I can with them. They are only young for such a short time in their life! My W has taken that away from me. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that. Especially under the current circumstances!!!<P>Out of the Fog...<BR>It's amazing how many people on here can relate to each others stories, and how similar they all are. I had a thread not to long ago that talked about how all of these WS's are reaading from the same script, and what a great movie or book it would make. If you feel like talking, post, post, post!!! <P>You can also e-mail me at mbtrk@aol.com<P>Keep your head up and do things that make YOU happy!!! I have been doing that and what a difference it makes!!! I think that when you realize that they are going to do exactly what they want, with no regard for anyone else, and you have no control over it, things come into perspective.<BR>Best of luck...<BR>Mike

Ditto what Hopelessmom stated.<P>It is very reassuring to know that there are really great caring guys out there that give a d@#$m about their kids and can put them before their own selfish needs. You are an inspiration to many.<P>I was out working in my yard today and broke down crying thinking about how devasted my kids are going to be if H goes through with divorce. H thinks if they get counselling they will be fine i can't even imagine my first days without them while they visit daddy. this is not how they are suppose to have to live. they are innocent and being made to pay the price for some very self-centered actions.<P>If I only knew then what I know know.

Hi Mike,<P>Well, I got the kids with me for the next week! Yippeee! And they told the nanny, when they came to my house, that they are happy to be "home"... Yippeee again!<P>Now, the problem is that my W keeps wanting to do "family" things almost every other day. Come over for dinner here, go out to donuts there, etc. I find that highly annoying and nerveracking. First, she breaks up our family, then she wants to "play family" to reduce her guilt about breaking up the family... Sheesh. Not to mention that the kids end up crying every time one of us "visits" them and then has to leave. <P>Speaking of kids crying, my W said how proud she is of our 6 yo for not crying when my W left last night. I informed her that the 6 yo cried her little eyes out in bed... . My W had the intelligence to ask "why?"... Hmmm. Anyway, I told my W that the 6 yo was fine by morning, to which my W cheerfully responded that it's amazing how "resilient" kids are... I don't know, but I don't see much resilience; I see a devastated 6 yo girl, who cries at having mommy and daddy live apart, yet my W manages to focus on her "non crying" moments and call those signs of resilience??? Go figure...<P>AGG