I read your story in TRS's thread. I am so sorry for your pain!!! As you mentioned, many of us can identify with most of what you said. We understand your feelings in a way that only those going through it can. <P>So many of the details in your story struck a chord with me, especially the concept of emotionally divorcing you without ever telling you there was a problem and then being unwilling to even work on the marriage because he had stars in his eyes for someone else and was totally seduced by the "its time to take care of me" and "I need to do what makes me happy" attitude. How in the world they don't see this for the pure selfishness this is, I don't really understand. It is hard to believe that any fog is ever that thick.<P>If you haven't already, read through all the information at this site. Better yet, read "Surviving an Affair." It is an excellent book that explains what you and your H are feeling and gives you some methods for handling this. If you can swing it, I would also suggest a counseling session with Steve Harley. He could help you analyze your plan A efforts or help you decide if it is time for plan B or just what is the next step.<P>If your H is at all willing, I would suggest that he read the book too. It made a HUGE impact on my H when he read it. I think the thing that struck him the most was seeing himself and his emotions described perfectly. I think before this that he thought he was somehow unique from all those other cads that were cheating on their spouse because he was motivated by true love. The fact that the Harleys were able to so accurately describe him caused him to see that maybe he was a little too much like all those others.<P>As you've probably read, most affairs die a natural death so it is not the end of the world that he has gone off to see if this is it. I don't mean to minimize the pain that this causes you. It is unbearable sometimes as many of us know. I'm just trying to point out that this could be the beginning of the end for the A. The reality just can't measure up.<P>Do you have kids? Is he making any efforts to see them? It makes it that much tougher when kids are being hurt too. As for him being nice to you, it may be because he wants to keep his options open and it may be because he desperately wants you to "agree" with all this so he can have a clear conscience about what he is doing. <P>I too think that plan A lulls them into thinking their actions are okay sometimes, but even with plan A, there is room to say that you think his actions are wrong and they are hurting you tremendously. Of course there are ways to say that and ways not to!<P>Keep posting and we will be here for you. This forum has been a life save for me!

Just wanted to send this back to the top so Whatami could see it more easily.

Thank you so much,<BR> I want to respond to your questions. Believe me, children are a big part of the issue. Not his, but mine.<BR> I will certainly post more...I have so many questions and so many "circumstances" (how strange is that?). <BR> God love you... I can't tell you how much this communitcation means to me. THANKS<BR>

Mar. 11, 2001<P>Exhausted:<P>Your name says it all. God love you. You do sound tired. <BR>My son was killed in an auto accident at 18 yrs old. He and H were great together for three years (10 to 13 yrs old then)... then when we got into business, my son was constantly a bone of contention because "he doesn't work hard enough." He treated him like a second class citizen then. Had many talks about situation. H said, "Discipline first, then the love follows. (Backward, right?) His death brought us so close for awhile. My mourning is eternal, but H thought I should be over it in a few months. My daughter stayed behind with Gma. She was 18. Now 33 and getting married. He likes her but not close to her. <BR> <BR>You have it totally right, he wants to feel that my accepting the A relieves any guilt he may have. Maybe, I should give him what he wants (with the clause I do not agree with his decision and it is not the right way) but I will ignore it and work on a friendship. Might give me the edge in the long run.<P>Posted below to thread, "want a separation" Read LL, as I think it relates.<P>God love you dear, we will make it someway... somehow...someday.<P><BR>What is it with this "soulmate" business. Do they forget that once you and he were soulmates? YES! <BR>" overwhelming…romantic love", Not said, but that is the gist. Selective memory on their part.<P>LL, I also told my husband the similar to why the OW and not me. "I you would have expended the same amount of energy on our relationship that you are in this A, then we would not be in this situation. If you had given me al the "warm fuzzies" that you give her, I would have responded in kind. "<P>Guess this is the idea for Plan A. H may or not may have responded to this type of action years ago, but then I always felt rejected and could not risk new rejections. Perhaps, he was feeling the same when he made certain overtures and I was still in a rejected state. Insecure? Yes I was and am, but fighting to regain my self esteem and confidence. <P>Don't know whether throwing him out because he refused to stop contact with OW was the best idea. He did't want to go because "we still get along". 6 weeks later - he seems quite comfortable with it. His A is going stronger than ever after his weekend vacation with OW. Via the grapevine, "it was wonderful, we are so compatible."<P>On these posts I have often heard to take it by babysteps, and I have come to believe they are right. So I may revert back to establishing a renewed friendship ( which he wants, to make him feel better I assume.) Maybe, when he is with her he will remember what he left was not a miserable, unhappy wife, but a wonderful person who has and is always there for him. AND, maybe I can rebuild myself by not being consumed with anger and resentment … but seeing myself as a wonderful person who has given her all for the love of my husband. It may be a healing process. He will have doubts ( after the bud falls from the rose) and may regret that he did not try harder … He will have only himself to blame.<P>Went to church today … It was all about how love works. It is the giver in us that must always be at work. In that way we are doing what is right … and love never fails.<P>God, help me. I don't know if I have the strength to overcome my "taker".<P>Much love to you all.<P>PS: My story reposted by Orchid on 3/9 as "for whatami"<BR>

Whatami<P>Your plan sounds like a good one. Remember, you don't have to condone his actions and the A to work at getting your self esteem healed and being the best person you can be. You can have the attitude with him that what he is doing is wrong and hurting you deeply, but you have no control over it so you are going to focus on the things you can control, like healing yourself and finding ways to make yourself a happier, better person and hopefully a better spouse when he sees that he is chasing a fantasy.<P>Isn't it frustrating that they can't see through some of the stuff that OW tells them. Does your H admire people that only think about their own happiness in life? If not, why would he aspire to be one of those people and why would he "love" someone that is encouraging him to be a person he wouldn't admire? I just don't get it sometimes. The only explanation is that all their ability to do any selfanalysis must totally disappear when the A starts!<P>You hang in there! You are fighting the good fight and hopefully take some comfort in having the clear conscience that goes with that. Whatever the future brings, you will know that you were the one being faithful to your vows "through better or worse."

Dear Whatami,<P>Exhausted is giving you great support and advice. Hope you are feeling better but the road ahead is bumpy. The good part is that you are not alone on this journey. Keep posting here. It has been therapuetic for me as well as helping me to keep my mind in an objective and clear state. <P>It is funny how a reasonable person can lose all their diginity and power of reason while in an A. It is also a sad thing to watch. The flip side to that is the BS learns (by default - I don't think we would ever volunteer for this job) to balance this loss of brain cells and somehow muster up the courage and strength to hold it all together. <P>You are the better person in this whole mess. Retain your dignity and hold your head up. You did not cause this mess but unfortunately you are probably the only one who can work on cleaning it up. You are right to try and focus on the friendship piece. There is little else those WS's understand at this time. You can create your support group of friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Your daughter can be a great source of comfort and support to you right now. It is ok to use them. <P>I understand how you feel about being the giver and getting tired of the taker draining all your life's energy and love from you. My H has done that for years, yet he says that I have done that to him. After explaining what really has happened (in a calm manner), my H is finally acknowledging his short comings and sees himself as the one who has been taking advantage of me all these years. Does that mean we should stop giving? No, now we just are more careful on what and how we give. For some of us that is difficult because we are in the habit on giving and to break that habit is hard. I am now letting H know where I am withdrawing my support. He doesn't always like it and he prefers I withdraw my support in areas that are not as important to him. That is not his choice, it is mine. <P>The light at the end of the tunnel is that you as well as the rest of us will become wiser for the lesson as hard as it may be. If that is the only benefit, it is not a total loss. Our outlook on life matures and our quality of life does improve. Contentment of the heart does come our way, when it does make sure you grab hold of it. In time, our mates may see the light of reality and mend their ways. Some do and some never do. Instead of wallowing in their loss, I like to think positive and turn life's sour lemons into lemonade. <P>Just a lot of philosophical thoughts today. Hope it helps. <BR>Please keep posting here and take care.<P>L.<BR>