So you all remember my high of last week right? contact with my H including a day with his family.<P>Now for the downside. He didnt call me all week. I called him for an update on his moms hospitalization. well, I used that as an excuse to call last night. He then told me in conversation that he is leaving today for a week vacation to see a friend in Houston. So I guess he wasnt going to talk to me before he left. <P>When I saw him 2 weeks ago I even asked about vacation plans and he said he had none. I did tell him I was planing on a vacation with friends the end of this month. I wonder if he planed this as a getaway in sort of retaliation of my going on vacation. Sort of if she is off having fun I might as well too. Or else he lied. I want to beleive he is not going with OW, she is married so it seems difficult, but who am I to know how they manage to carry on affairs for years and find the time. Maybe he is going to escape the stess of OW calling him asking when he will see her. ( Hows that for wishfull thinking?)<P>So that brings up my next question. Do you think I should ask him to house and cat sit while I am gone? I thought it might be nice to do. But now I am so mad about this vacation.. of course it is someplace I would have liked to go too.... I asked him about going htere in the past and he put me off.<P>Please look from the outside and tell me what you think. I am too hurt by this and feel like just giving up. I think it was so mean to call me and see me for a week, then drop me for 2 weeks without any contact again. What were those hugs and kisses about? Why go to his Moms? Why lead me on , was I not good enough?<P>Lora

I doubt his non calls nor his vacation plans are intended to be hurtful. <P>I don't think this is a reflection on you at all.<P>I think it is all about what is going on in his own ding dong head, and that is anybody's guess.<P>Is he close with the cat?

FHL,<P>Thanks, I am trying to keep it in prospective, but its hard.<P>Yes, he loves the cat, I think it hurt him when he came here and she wasnt particuarily freindly with him. Of course I have been telling her bad things about him LOL<P>Lora

Lora-I agree with FHL, who knows maybe this could turn into a good thing . . maybe he's starting to get very confused about what to do since you & he have had some good times together lately. Maybe he's really going to get away & think?? Keep up your hope-I know it's hard to balance hoping for the best, but not being disapointed when it doesn't turn out exactly as you hoped, or at least fast enough!!<P>I'm sure the cat thing did bother him!! But Lora, didn't anyone ever tell you that you're not supposed to say bad things about them to the kitties???? (Kidding!).<P>

Lora,<BR>Sometimes the WS doesn't get it all at once, and sometimes realizing the crap they've pulled (guilt) they withdraw farther, or again.<P>I think you are still in the waiting game. Just imagine the ball in his court. And you don't pick it up right now. In my opinion, if he's going to come home, he needs to make that decision and do most of the work.<P>You really don't want to go through this again. Separations don't get easier, only more familiar.

I just want to echo what Lor said. You don't want him back unless he is really ready. If he is still waffling, it is less painful for you if he does it on his own, as opposed to moving in and out again. I know it is hard, but give him his space now. I'm not sure if I'd ask him to housesit or not. Would he think that it would cause you to think he was making some kind of commitment? I know it sounds silly, but I really would be careful about putting too much pressure on him now. Respond to his overatures, but play it cool yourself.

Bitsy,<BR>Oh I have been bad, told the cat the whole story and that he doesnt love us any more. She seem especailly affectionate to me lately. I think she knows I need someone to show me a little affection.<P>Lor and exhasted,<P>Ok, I will go back into patient mode. I guess I got a little gidy on the 6 days of contact. I was ready for him to pull back a little, but didnt think he would have to leave the state to do it.<P>Lora

Hi Lora,<P>I am new in this forum and you have been so kind to reply to some of my posts. <BR>I felt your excitement last week. I want this to work for you and him. <P>I agree with other's comments. Two steps forward and one, many steps back. Patience and long suffering.<P>Do you agree with Harley's assessment? Long terms affairs ususally die a natural death with the passsage of time and the injection of lethal doses of real life issues.<P>Did you read Surviving an Affair/Harleys?<P>I am learning so much about how to deal with my problems just by reading all of these posts; as I am sure you have too. <P>In your heart, you really want to believe that he has pulled out of that parking place and is ready to park back in your parking place. <P>What scares me as I read about the dynamics and intensity of affairs is how the ws can't make a final decision.<P>H. left on 3/13; came home for 10 days; shockingly left us again on3/30. Admitted to me that op was a catalyst and that "He needed to be true to himself!!!!" I replied that our marriage is a partnership and we are giving up part of our self to raise our family. As Harley say, this is the most cruel self-indulgent act a person can make. As I read about the effects of the passion of an affair, it is a buffer that hides them from the realities of life and the pain of the wife and children.<P>My H called me on 6/8/00, day after our 20th wed. anni. Said he wanted to reconcile; needed to time to reflect and think;<BR>I said leave her. He said if he told her to leave, it would destroy her. That was 8-9 mos. ago. I could not reach him when I replied, well, what do you think your abandoning and desertin us has done to us? Insensitive answer, he gave me. He didn't care. That is so foreign to me; in retrospect, I can see taht the affair was so "fresh" even though he said he wanted to reconcile, he didn't move it--but he did cancel the first divorce action the next day. Attorney's secretary called me and told me he told her to call me. I verified it by calling the court house. Then, we had some contact for about a month. Then, on 7/15/00, I rec'd a midnight call from the ow telling me my h. wanted to talk to me. I hung up. I didn't hear from H until 8/7/00 telling me that we were divorcing. I was devastated once again, because he had already stopped the first d. action. THen, I found out later that my sister-in-law (whom I am close to had called and chewed the ow out and told her my H had stopped the divorce. My H called his sister and chewed her out--and he was drunk. Then, on 9/4/00, I requested that we talk and we met and talked. <BR> I was very straightforward and I looked him in the eye and told him I don't want a divorce. TWo days later, he called and told me he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce--and then he stopped the second divorce action<BR>(cancelled the hearing) To this day, there has been no action filed by him. I check at the courthouse about once a week. <P>Even though this might indicate that he isn't sure what he wants to do, he doesn't make much contact with me or the kids. <P>When I started posting, I decided to talk to S. Harley.<BR>I spoke to Dr. Harley. Both advised a plan A-ish letter.<BR>Sent it about 10 days ago. Am trying to keep my expectations very low. They told me patiently wait. <BR>S. harley told me to wait longer than Dr. Harley. Move forward like I have stated my case and I am becoming stronger and regardless of what happens, I know I am making positive changes for the better in myself. Will the fish bite the bait? Does it look like safe food to eat?<P>Reading about affairs (which I only wish I had done right after the affair began, but I never thought it would last and I was in shock and too depressed), has educated me of the realities and dynamics of these kinds of relationships.<P>Alcohol delivers me a double whamy because H met op in a bar where she was a bartender. She just had moved to our town from Texas after being convicted a DWI; had been in jail for about 90 days and family disowned her; a cousin here agreed to give her a chance here and fate put my H in taht bar. 10 days after they met, they were in auto accident in his truck, both drunk; both injured; she filed a bodily injury lawsuit; as soon as he could find a place, they were off in Affair land with the money--FROM OUR INSURANCE POLICY!! hE EVEN HAD ANOHTER dwI IN SUMMER AND SHE WAS WITH HIM.<P>wITH COUSELING AND reading, I have just begun to leave the Obsession phase. She is insignificant. In recent letter, to him regarding foreclosure of our home because he defied child support judgment, I told him that I had not been give enough funds to keep up mortgages like he was telling everyone he had given me money to pay. Lies. With support from this forum, I softy, unagressively, mentioned that in the best interest of our three children, seeing him alone would be more comfortable for them. We will see. <P>I expect the worst-prepare as much as I possibly can for the worst. I know if I file, I will feel much much worse than if he files. So, I will let the dissolution of our marriage and the destruction of our family be blood on his hands--NOT MINE.<P>As STeve Harley said, ws has plugged certain factors in this equation and calculated that the only answer is divorce.<BR>Time will tell if H recalculates this problem.\<P>After 1 year, and after reading waht real life problems can to do an affair, I have committed to resuming to contacting him and overcoming my fear of him and the op. My concern, is to avoid ugly confrontations because he is so irrational.<P>So, I working of this on myself through counseling and this forum and several friends. I have to get strong enough to say to him I want to talk and be able to not let his arrogance and insensitivity affect me. I have to be the first one to change and plant the seed in his mind and heart that I am safe for him to try to return home to--the road will be long but not as long as divorce. I will wait and only hope and pray that he does not file. If he does, I<BR> will cross that bridge when I arrive at it. I hope I never lay my eyes on the dirty, filthy waters that flow under that bridge. I don't want to swim in that waters.<P>Best wishes, you are in my prayers.<BR>elo

Lora,<P>I only have one question that will summarize my opinion. Could you deal with the thought of the OW potentially being in your bed while you're away? <P>Mike<BR>

Lora,<P>Here's my 2 cents. If your H was in the house it may bring back memories.... Last time my H was here he was packing-started thinking got sick had to leave!! Ask him NOT to bring OW over...make sure he knows how strongly you feel on this (I did this with H and I don't think OW has the guts to come over) Talk badly about OW to the cat also.... My dogs stopped going up to my H 3 months ago-they know what he has done to me...now I am training them to ATTACK HIM!!! (Just kidding) Maybe just pee on him at command... The vacation bit I just do not know about-sometimes I wish we could get into their heads!!! H has me confused to death-changed his address on visa to OW's house moved his stuff to her house and OW and him are not even living there he is still with family and so is she the house just sits there???????????? Keep up your Plan A...go on your vacation and relax!!!! This is the roller coaster ride of our lives...At least we are not getting dizzy on the merry go round......I guess.....

elo,<BR>Im sorry for all you have gone through with your H waffling. In a way I am lucky because my H doesnt say much so I have been spared much of that knowlege. I am just close to the end of my rope and I dont know how much longer I can hold on to any love or respect for him.<P>Mike, <BR>Yikes, thanks for that visual! LOL I think she was already here, but when I changed the locks when he moved out that was one of the reasons I gave and he said "she would never do that" I dont know, I just feel he has a little more feeling for me right now then he did at that time. Maybe I am nuts and that feeling for me is not strong enough to resist the pull of the affair. I am leaning towards not doing it anyhow cause I am mad he went on vacation.<P>TRS,<BR>Hum, I'm sure nothing I told the cat about OW was very complementary. Now be careful with those dogs. i know, I went to the MD and found he didnt change his adress and I am his emergency contact still. Makes you wonder if they have any idea what they are doing.<BR>Lora

Trs;<BR>I needed a good laugh. The visual of cat @@@@@@ on command. GReat ha haa ha.<P>Elo: You seem to have the same feelings re divorce that I have in regards to who files. I, filed on Jan 3,01 and regret it. The process has stalled. I refuse to make any more mediation appts. (we've had 2) Actually, I probably will stop the divorce and if he wants one, then he will hvae to do it.<P>Some people say, why does it matter who files? Well, it matters to me for the reasons you stated plus a few more. Why do people say such things. Hey, I don't want a Divorce, I don't want my husband having an A, I want my life back the way it was. Well, that will Never happen.l My old life is gone. A new better life is possible with the same husband , but I think my husband doesn't quite believe that yet. Time and patience. Those 2 words. I can<BR>not describe what they make me feel inside. <P>My thoughts and prayers with you.<P>Hopelessmom

Lora,<BR> <BR> Checking in on you.<P><BR> Love and Prayers,beth

Lora, Here we go in our parallel universes again. I'm hoping things start looking up for you so I can anticipate the same happening for me soon! I keep saying I'm not getting my hopes up but of course I always do, and the disillusionment that follows is so much worse than the state of resigned acceptance I was in before he started making promises he couldn't or wouldn't keep. I'm thinking of you.

Hopelessmom,<P>If you dont want the divorce, dont pursue it. Let him do the work on it.<P>Beth,<BR>Yes here I am all weekend. I did take a walk yesterday and go shopping.<P>Letstry,<BR>Hum, does that mean when it goes well for one of us it will for the other too? I cant wait! It sad when no contact is better then talking isnt it? <BR>Lora

Lora, Don't hold your breath looking to me for the first sign of light. I haven't heard from H since yesterday afternoon when I called him to say I knew what he was doing (ending A) was difficult for him and to just keep me posted. One positive thing about the visuals of seeing them together (all of them, literally...) and watching them interact is that I know I want more than that. It bored me at the same time it hurt me. It was hard enough to go throough adolescence the first time around, and despite the wear and tear of life, or maybe because of it, I'm happier in my own skin (saggy and wrinkly as it may be) than I ever was before. I don't want a relationship with a middle-aged adolescent, who by his own admission, doesn't want to grow up.

Hopelessmom,<BR>Elo talking. That is from my heart. If d. comes, it will be horrible, and it will be worse if I do it.<P>Lora comments are good for you to heed too. <P>One book I read stated that if the H is ambivalent and doesn't want to be responsible fo the dissolving of the marriage, they will sit on it maybe expectint the bs to do it. <P>I HAVE MADE MY STATEMENT AND MY H KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT RECONCILIATION AND DIVORCE.<P>In book on Case against Divorce, it states that bs sometimes looks like a martyr. However, a bs who takes a stand for the marriage has a VISION that is not CLOUDED IN A FOG. <P>In my case, my husband abuses alcohol which I have to keep in mind. He will need to address this very important problem before we could do serious reconciliation--IF HE EVER DECIDES TO END THIS AFFAIR AND THERE IS NO FINAL D.<P>My husband has two intoxicators not only dulling his pain but making him oblivious and insensitive to our pain--the affair and the aloohol. They are both fixes and additions.<P>For me, both roads back will be difficult; I would prefer to travel the road to reconciliation. At this point, It does not look like that is what he wants; so I have to move forward expecting him to d.<P>Will provide you both with some interesting facts about Abandoment/analogy/siamese twins? <P><BR>My H. might be coming over today to pick up our son who wants to see him. I want to make very brief appearanxe.<P>Send me some support. <P>Lora, I have digested your words of encouragement.<BR>I am trying to be strong and know that I can put on a 30/60 second act.<P>CAn I do it? Yes, I can. elo

To Hopelessmom,<P>Lora and I agree: if you don't want it, then don't let it be blood on your hands.<P>I'll write more later. Have some info to share with you.<P>elo