A couple of interesting things took place last night (Friday) and this morning that are not surprising to me, but make me wonder about alien minds in denial.<P>First, our son was in a school program last night. My wife knew about it - I thought - but nonetheless, I left a voice mail message on her cell phone to remind her and give her the time, etc. My son was very excited and asked me to video his part. Before my son and I left, my wife called and said she was still at work (although she called from her cell phone) and was trying to make it to the program. I asked if she wanted our son to stay with her tonight (normal Friday night routine), and she said that since he'd be getting there late, he should just stay with me and she'll have him Saturday night. Fine with me. I reminded her that we needed his passport application stuff that she had so I could take him to the post office first thing in the morning to apply for it before his church function with her at 10:00.<P>Well, Mom didn't get to the program at all. When we got home (about 9:00), the au pair said my wife had called and said she was sorry she didn't make it. My son immediately tried to call her to tell her how good it was, but got no answer at her apartment or on her cell phone. He paged her and she called back within a few minutes. He reminded her that we needed the passport stuff early in the morning.<P>I called her apartment at 8:00 this morning and got no answer. No answer from her cell phone, either. I paged her and she called a few minutes later from her cell phone and said she was on her way to bring the stuff we needed. Of course, she wasn't at her apartment.<P>When she got here, she was still wearing work clothes from yesterday and made some lame excuse that she was so tired she just took the phone off the hook last night. Sure.<P>When she came back at 10:00 after our post office business, she was dressed differrently, further confirming my hypothesis that she chose to stay with OM last night than to see her son perform and have him with her.<P>The other event was a semi-planned encounter with OM. Before my wife came to get our son at 10:00, I was out walking the dogs and saw OM drive up the street. He obviously saw me, but avoided eye contact. Figuring that he was going to pick up his daughter for the day, I hung around in the street knowing he'd be coming back by in a few minutes. I was correct. I had both dogs in the middle of the street on long leashes and he had to stop. I took my time getting out of the way, giving him the opportunity to say something, but he just waited for me to get out of the way. I let one leash go, to further delay, by allowing one dog to go up to his car door and bark at him. He looked straight ahead, stone faced. I thought I was going to pee in my pants it was so funny. Finally, I went over to pick up the loose dog while the other one had her leash wrapped around the front of the car. He never looked at me or said a word even though I was obviously within speaking distance. Sort of fun!<P>I guess the purpose for this ramble is to describe how both of them continue to try to keep their relationship out of sight, despite the obviousness of it all. What are they hiding? Do they think they're successful? If they're so sure about their relationship, why don't they just come out of the closet? I know this is a fundamental aspect of affairs, but it always makes me think that they continue to do this because they're embarrassed, unsure, confused, not wanting to burn bridges, or all of the above. Interesting species, these aliens.<P>WAT <p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited March 10, 2001).]

WAT,<P>Sounds to me like it's time to call Scully & Mulder (x-files). <BR>

Dave,<P>Unbelievable. These things you describe are the exact stuff that my wife pulls. Phone off the hook because she is tired, same clothes, missing kids things, fabricating appointments so I take the kids one day early (which I like...just not her technique), never any answer but get calls right back saying she is on her way or whatever. Bla bla bla. It is totally ridiculous that they think they fool us.<P>The part about OM being stopped because of the dogs is hilarious. I can see the element of fun. And the axxhole doesn't say anything....what a first class low life moron that guy is.<P>You have nerves of steel and utmost patience to handle this so gracefully. How sad for your son that his mom doesn't make it, and we all know why. That is going to bite her someday, and it is sad.

You are just too funny!!! I love the dog thing. On a more serious note, in my most charitable moments thinking about H, I can almost understand how he got to the point of treating me so poorly, but I will never, ever understand how any parent lives with themselves when they so blatantly and constantly put their own momentary desires ahead of their kids.<P>I know you've said before that your W is for the most part a good mother, but she should be ashamed to look at herself in the mirror for missing something that was obviously important to her son. There is no excuse for that. Well, there may be an excuse, like a car accident etc, but the point is she had no excuse!!! I'm sorry, but my feelings as a mother make me want to call your W and lay into her! You are a saint for not rubbing this in to her. I hope your son wasn't too disappointed.

dave,<BR>Thanks for the morning laugh! But you relly need to work on training those dogs better. I mean barking at him is OK, but couldnt they be peeing on his tires or something too? <P>Lora

Lora - you are a stinker!!!! I love it!!! That would have been the ultimate!!! <P>I think the real point of telling this story was that I did absolutely NO LB'ing throughout and I'm proud of it. Even when we don't have control, there's a certain sense of power that comes from knowing more than they do about the psychology of affairs. When you can mess with their minds, it's icing on the cake - sorta innocent revenge.<P>Dave

Dear Dave,<P>Great job! Makes them go Hmmmmm. Keep them thinking and on their toes. It is difficult to do the A. stuff standing on their toes worrying about what you might do next. <P>L.

A small update - I've taken this scenario one step further. Today I copied the video I took of our son in his school show Friday night and rented another video I saw recently that I thought she'd like and took them both over to her when I picked up my son this afternoon. Hopefully, she'll see this in a good light, but better still, maybe she'll realize what she missed.<P>When my son and I left, he insisted on a family hug. As we left, I took her hand and she let me kiss her on the cheek. She did not resist. I can't help but wish that eventually, she'll see OM for what he really is: a selfish opportunist who cannot provide everything I can - nothing close.<P>Dave

Dave,<P>You are too good.<P>Was your son upset that his mom didn't come to his program? My H has missed stuff to be with OW but the boys never knew, they just thought he was traveling & for the most part H wanted me to think that also. I know that you can't question your son about what did mom say about not being there but I really hope he gave her a hard time. I bet he doesn't buy the I had to work bit, even if he doesn't say anything.<P>Keep hanging in there. I just don't see how your W can't see what a great guy you are now.<P>

sing - my son didn't seem upset on the outside. He's used by now to his Mom working late or otherwise being unreliable. He loves her very much and refuses to see any bad things she has done. This is due, in part, to her brainwashing of him that she just feel out of love with me and OM is a just good friend who just happened to fall out of love with his wife at the same time. A 12 year old can accept this. OM was a good friend before the affair so it makes sense to my son that he's a ggod friend now. He doesn't understand why I don't consider him a friend anymore. She has to carry on the deceit with my son to keep his affection, otherwise he might reject her - like OM kids did.<P>Dave

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO - your advice is good, and I've tried to think of ways to do this. I recently asked her for my expired passport so I can get it renewed and she was curious about that - I didn't volunteer any info - I don't really have any plans. The main problem I have is that she doesn't need me for anything except to be a father to our son. She never asks for my help in any other way. However, this weekend a friend has invited me to his St. Pat's day party, so I plan on telling her early this week that I have plans this weekend and I assume she'll take her turn with our son.<P>It is a tough balance to do a good Plan A, giving and giving, without seeming to be dependent and hanging on. As the warm weather breaks, I hope there'll be more opportunities for me to be less predictable.<P>Thanks,<BR>Dave

Dave,<P>Well I bet your S, knows which of his parents are always there for him. I bet at 12 he knows more than you think, he just doesn't want to admit it.<P>Enjoy that passport. <P>I hear it is beginning to look like spring in some places, I think I remember what change of seasons were. Of course Houston didn't have many seasons either, it was Cool, Warm, Hot, Hotter, & HOTTER, now here it is the same, same, same, I don't know even why they do the weather. okay i will be quite now about the joys of expat living. For anyone who might like to know in the 2 wks that I have been driving, I have only gone the wrong way once, then someone blew their horn at me, I backed up & went right direction. Provided great comic relief to about 50 people, you could see them laughing at the crazy american lady. My YS was going I knew you were going to kill us.<P>

sing - I've got a great idea - I need you to be in your car on my street about 9:00 am Saturday. Watch out for the dogs - just do your wrong way move in front of that silver-gray car with the OM in it. Blowing the horn will be a nice touch. I'll pee on the tires.<P>Dave

WAT-<BR>YOU will pee on the tires? <P>Whassa matter, having trouble training the dog?<P>Funny!

Don't forget about me. Fly me down for the day, I'll aim a little higher, and with any luck he has his window down. Sorry, couldn't resist.<P>Wait, I'll stay overnight so we can have a few beers in frosty mugs.

Rick & WAT-<P>then what? Are you going to go roller blading?

Dave,<P>Sat. hmmmm... I might could make flights by then so be on the look out for a car weaving down the road driven by a crazy lady who now really doesn't know which side to drive on, so how about the middle. But I'll make sure I keep my windows rolled up.