My wife is the one who moved out to "figure out what she wanted to do", never admitting the affair.<P>Frequently, she offers suggestions, or worse, makes demands, about things and situations in my house (the one she left). She'll tell me if my house cleaner needs to do something different, if my son's school clothes need pressing, bla, bla, bla. This morning she stopped by the house after I was gone to bring something to my son. She left a voice mail for me at work saying she thinks I need to cut back on how much I feed one of our dogs (yup, the ones I tried to get her to take but her apartment won't allow them). She says she's getting too fat and can hardly get up the stairs.<P>I feel like saying something like, "Wait a minute. You decided to leave. Why are you trying to influence what goes on in my house? You gave that up when you left. Or, you may have the dogs if you like." Of course, this would be a big LB, so I bite my lip and just thank her for the suggestion, unless I disagree for which I tell her I disagree as calmly as possible.<P>Do they do this because they don't want to let go? Or is it just a continuation of whatever control function they once may have had? Or is it indicative of fence sitting?<P>How do you handle it?<P>WAT

I'll take a stab at it. Maybe part of her is chagrined to know that you can handle things so well without her. Even more so because you are a man. (Sorry, but society still leads us to believe that men aren't all that capable of taking care of a home and child.) She may be impressed at some level that she really doesn't want you to know about and maybe can't even admit to herself at this point. <P>All these feelings may lead her to look very critically at everything you do to try to counter anything good about you (which she needs to do to keep up her A and lying). She wants to keep reassuring herself that you are not as good as you are appearing to be.<P>Or, as fun as all that speculation was, it could be as simple as a habit. Was she a controller? Did she do that while you still lived together? Has she always felt that she needed to be better than you?<P>Whatever her reason, I'd agree that it is annoying and totally uncalled for. As usual, you are handling it well!

Hey Dave,<P>Doesnt happen here because... I changed the lockes when he moved out. <P>It does sound like you handled it well, but maybe you should let her be a lttle less free to roam your house without you there. After all she moved out. I know it would be hard to change the locks at this point and with children. <BR>Lora

Exhausted - I imagine it's some of both - trying to find fault with me to justify her affair excuses and also a carryover from the past. She's a perfectionist (except when it came to our marriage) and was the dominant one of us. I'm so laid back that she felt that she had to take all the initiatives to make all things "perfect" (except for our marriage).<P>Lora - I've considered restricting her access, but I have nothing to hide and I want her to feel safe coming to "our" house. I've told her she's always welcome 24/7. In contrast, I never go to her apartment unnanounced and I have no key. This arrangement not be right for you or others, but it feels right in my Plan A.<P>Thanks, ladies,<BR>Dave

My XW left me an totally upended her life (affiar? I dunno. EA? probably, given her history of having had one early in our marriage). But she certainly did drop by my place a couple of times ... for impromptu "inspections" ... her air was very <I>proprietary</I>. I still haven't figured it out. She didn't really make suggestions. But there was no lack of thoroughness.

Dave,<P>Even though my wife admitted the affair to me, what I got when she moved out was that she just wanted to be on her own. She had never been on her own her entire life. The thing is, the place she moved into is five minutes away and on my way to work. Every morning since she has moved out, EXCEPT when my kids are with her, I have seen the OP's car in her driveway.<P>Also, she had stated to me during the first few months after revealing the affair that she had to move out to get away from me. During the last month or so in my counseling with Steve, he suggested that I stop trying to keep her at home and actually suggest to her that she expedite in doing so. If she asked about my change in heart, I was to tell her that it hurt too much with her living under the same roof and going out at night to be with the OP. But I was to continue with everything else in Plan A. She has now somehow turned this around into beliveing that I am the one kicking her out of the house!<P>I guess its true that they believe and interpret things any way they want as long as it supports their situation.

I'll go with the "just critically looking for things to hold against you" speculation. If she not around you much then it's hard to make direct judgment/comments about you, nor does she have the right. It's easy to nit-pick about the stuff you mentioned and thus derive that you are still a bad/evil/controlling ________ (insert bad adjective) person. With out those negative feelings then the affair might not be so right. <P>Over all you must be doing a good Plan A if she has to get to that level to criticize you. Good Job! (FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH)<P>Mike<BR>

Hi,<P>My experience is that the WS's feel they need to show they still have some sense left in them. They do this by showing that they can find where we may be lacking. Forget the fact that they are not the ones doing the daily tasks of taking care of the home and family, they still need to be opinionated and pick on whatever they can find. Would they do any better? If they think they can, let them. Hard to carry on an A and still be a good parent and spouse. Isn't that why they left?<P>When H does this to me, like (you have the heater up too high, remember the PG&E bill is going to double - H doesn't pay the bill or even see it), too many lights on, why is our child's homework on the table, you need me to do the yard work, etc, then I thank him for bringing this to my attention and then tell him that if wants to discuss my inefficiencies we can set a time for him to do that but it must be at an agreeable time. Otherwise, please keep his comments to himself. Bringing up my inefficiencies (which I know there are some), while I initiated conversations about something else is rude. It also is his way to avoid a conflict or issue that he needs to deal with. <P>There really is not a whole lot for the WSs to pick on. However, our list is quite longer. I tell H we can go there if he wants. Hmmmm. <P>But the try. I don't let it get me down, because I know the source and the reason for their acting this way. You can tell when the WSs are being influenced by the OP, because they act like they are PMSing (even the men), rude/picky/difficult to please/not open to reason. <P>Hmmm maybe some Midol or something can be given? Just a thought. <P>L.<BR>

I'm pretty sure my wife thinks she is "helping" by pointing out things that I need to do or aren't right, although subconsciously she's probably keeping score on how big a failure I am compared with Mr. Perfect. But I learned my lesson not to complain a while back by deciding to take her on when she criticized the way my son was studying for exams. I said, "Oh, you're pretty concerned NOW after abandoning him earlier!" That really set me back a few months in Plan A - hit too close to home - I'm still recovering from that one.<P>WAT

maybe she is just talking about those things to avoid talking about the real issues? my stbx calls and talks about very trivial things - but also things in which he may feel he can maintain some control - he is the one who wanted to leave and was doing his own thing (see my husband told me he cheated, why? in just found out..) and now that he wants to cmoe back and get counselling he is so concerned about my life, my well-being - things I'm doing - talking about silly things that don't concern him - including the dog's well-being - example: calling to remind me that the dog needs to be groomed for spring (it's my dog, I've had him for 9 years and I've set this schedule) so basicly, it's either a way to make him see how indispensable he is, or just a way to avoid talking about his cheating etc. That's my take on it - but who knows?? people are motivated by different things... good luck and just remember that your happiness is #1 - take everything the cheater is saying with a grain of salt. I changed the locks also - for peace of mind. ?? sounds like a good plan for any separation... you don't go through her things - why should she invade your privacy?? god bless...<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

My take on what you are seeing is similar to my own situation (surprise, surprise)<P>1. Controlling nature in the past doesn't just go away. They don't likely try and control OP because they are still in a fantasy relationship, and everything is perfect. But we're old hat, and the control doesn't just go away.<P>2. They haven't "totally" left. They keep their fingers in there because they haven't totally written off the marriage, even though they might "pretend" that they have.<P>3. They want to make us feel inadequate in some small way, like we need their assistance to function properly.<P>4. Part of it is just the alien mind as it spins in orbit and lands every so often on some random square in this game of fantasy.<P>I think most of that stuff you can deal with by ignoring it, unless directly confronted and they expect a response, in which case you can make something up, like thanks for your concern, or it is under control, or whatever.

Thanks all.<P>Rick - you are HOT, HOT, HOT: "Part of it is just the alien mind as it spins in orbit and lands every so often on some random square in this game of fantasy."<P>Wow!<P>Dave

My H has never given me any credit for the breakdown of our marriage(what a guy-wears his guilt like a badge), but when I offer it, he grabs at it like a starving dog. When I tell him things point blank in therapy about how I feel and his actions that made me feel that way, he answers that he cannot disagree with what I say. He never denies, he evades. He agrees a lot, that is his way of telling me difficult truths he is too chicken to say. Like, "I want a divorce to be with OW." When we do not see each other in therapy, he never communicates except the bare minimum about the kids. His answer to why that is was, "well I never did before..."(which is only true after he met OW)<P>He is too scared to do anything that requires a decision. No reconciling, no better communication, no honest tries, no getting rid of the ow. He keeps it status quo-- until I fold, no doubt. Then he won't have to be the bad guy if he can say I asked for the divorce. I am wearing thin.<P>In therapy the other day, the first since he moved out, I told him that it made me angry to know that I was the one who had made all the decisions so far. He has made none. According to him he did not even decide to have an affair, it just happend. I have made everything so easy for him to do nothing to save our marriage. But he is the the one losing here. Maybe H thinks I'll wait around until --whenever. then what? <P>No, I have decided that is not my line. I want to be loved. I do not want my H as a consolation prize. I deserve so much more than he is capable of, may ever be capable of. I really love him SO-O much. But I won't except anything less for myself. <P>Beth <p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited March 13, 2001).]