Hello, this is my second attempt to post, the first ended with me writing a rather lenghty note only to have it go poof as I had entered the wrong password, I was left rather drained and empty. My A lasted 3 weeks as a sexual thing, contact started about 3 months prior to it going physical, and contact continued after D-day for almost 3 months. The OW has tried, since then, to contact me at least 4 times, the first 3 thru messaging on the net, which my W intercepted and a fourth by phone, I wasn't there to pick-up, and I told W about it. W has tons of questions, lots which I still can't answer, some I have, and some I have told her what I thought she wanted to hear only to get into more trouble. This truly is a situation that I thought I'd never be in and one that still has me in some sort of Fog. The fog about the A and the OW has lifted, how could I have ever done this, let alone with someone who has done it more than once. She told me I was her second affair and the first was a mistake.(like this wasn't) She said her marriage was bad, mine wasn't, sure it had problems but nothing that couldn't have been fixed with truth, love and understanding. I, however, chose the OW over our M. That is the real choice a WS makes even if they don't know it. I was asked by W, is OW a better person than me? Geeze, how often have you cheated on me, the answer of course is none. Is she better in Bed? Hardly, once was in the woods, once was in the front of my pick-up and once was in a sleezy motel. <BR> I've read it described here like an alien taking over my mind, don't know if I'd go that far but this is so unbelieveable to me. W asks why continue down the path if you knew where it would lead. Good question, wish I had an answer that makes sense. Was this a mid-life crisis thing? Geeze I'm 52 is that mid-life? Our marriage had gotten to a point where I isolated from it, made myself believe I was unhappy and mostly blamed W for it. W wants answers, all I have is memories of her pain, my lies, and the guilt of the A. W wants me to tell OW off, thinks my resistance is a sign that I don't want to hurt her. OW is responsible for herself and her actions, she is at least 50% responsible for this thing and has to live in her own skin, I want no contact with her, don't wish to see her and wish the memory of her and the A could be lifted from me, but I too have a cross to bear. I know I'm rambling here but it feels good to get some of it out, I hate writing, reading or talking about the A. I 've got other thoughts and more stuff to release, but feel this will do for know......

Welcome Unbelievable,<BR>I wish my man would write down exactly what you just said and show it to me. The absolute honsety and remorse that you just showed here would go a long way to clearing up things in your relationship. Get the book After An Affair and read it with your wife...I think it will help.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Twyla

I'm the betrayed spouse (BS), and I think it is good that you came here. There is alot to learn. Perhaps your wife could read some of the information here concerning infidelity. I find that no one really understands affairs until they have educated themselves, and usually that doesn't happen until either oneself or the spouse has an affair. Most people think that if their spouse had an affair, marriage over. But in reality, it doesn't work like that.<P>I'm hanging on hoping to save my marriage even though my wife left for another man and it has been going since last June.<P>We always like input from WS here, because it helps us learn more and gives us that perspective on things. We are all here for the same reason, whether we are the WS or BS.<P>If you read the Harley's material, one of the many messages is that affairs can happen to anyone. All it takes is some problems in the marriage, and someone else to come along that fulfills some needs. I hope that your wife can learn about it, and you can both recover and be one of the successes we like reading about one here.<P>I wish you both the best of luck. It took courage to come here and post your story, so keep it up, keep learning, and hopefully your wife can gain some insight as well.<P>Take care.<P>

Thx Twyla and Rick for answering, my W and I are in C and are working on putting our lives together. She had found this sight awhile back and has been posting and talking with others in our situation. The thoughts that you are not so unique helps as does just talking about it, however, it is from my point not something I want to do, I dislike confrontations and also anything that is emotional in nature, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and without going into lots of detail now(par for the course) I'd just like to say Thx..........

Welcome Unbelievable, You sound like you're well on your way toward recovery. My H just came home a few days ago. He is still in mourning for the OW, but seems to be coming out of the fog. My H is 48 and OW is 22 so maybe his was a MLC too. Good luck to you and your wife.

Hello LetSTry, I've seen some of your replies, hope things go as you want with your H. I didn't mean to imply that my A was a MLC. I asked my wife her thoughts on it after reading your response and she thought that may have been part of it. My OW is 43, not young by standards of 22 and not someone that if I had been single I would have chosen to have a relationship with. The whole thing seems so bizzare to me now. I think back to the first couple of weeks home after D-day and although i had promised myself and my W the complete truth, I found myself hedging on some of her questions and becoming defensive in a place where I had no business defending myself. I, the one who had the A had little trust for my W, the one who had done nothing, questioning in my mind her motives, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The OW's hold on me was that very fact of the secrets we had kept, I had no one elses opinions of her or us, just the secrets we had between us to look at. It is an unreal world that you live in when you have an affair and it takes sometime for the real world to take hold again, hang in there, give your H time, hope he and you recover...

It took a lot of courage for you to post here, but I'm glad that you did. This is a good & informative website/forum, filled with many supportive & caring people.<P>Trust in your marriage is shattered. You need to prove yourself to your wife and re-build trust again. Here are a few suggestions:<P>Since this former OW attempts to make contact, I would suggest that you write the OW, a "No Contact" letter. Make it brief, to-the-point, do not sugar-coat it. Let your wife read & edit it before you send it to OW.<P>Obviously, you are truly remorseful. I would suggest that you be totally honest with your W, with whatever questions or concerns that she has.<P>Be accountable for your time/whereabouts. Call her during the day, just to say "hello" and call if you will be late.<P>Give your wife free access & passwords to any of your e-mail accounts.<P>Spend at least 15 hours/week of quality time with her. Date & woo your wife again.<P>Inform your W of any contact that the OW makes. Inform your W if you contact the OW.<P>Be patient with any mood swings that your wife may have. The betrayed spouse usually goes through a rollercoaster of emotions. Support & comfort her. What she is going through is traumatic and she may even doubt her self-worth (as you mentioned, she asked if the OW is better than she is).<P>FYI: My H's 7-week affair occurred a little over 2 years ago (with OW contacting him twice, during these 2 years, as recently as a month ago...he wrote her "No Contact" letters). Our marriage is still in the recovery/healing process. Although recovery is going fairly well, the pain is still there. I still do not fully trust my H & probably never will. I do have to say that communication is much better than it was pre-affair, but our marriage will never be the same. It will be forever tarnished and "blind" trust is gone. I am a different person because of my H's affair and so is my H.<P>Just understand that it will take awhile, most likely a long time, for your marriage to recover. Keep consistent with your actions and prove to your wife that you are truly remorseful.<P>Keep posting here. You have a good start and the right tools for marital rcovery. Good luck to you & your wife.<BR>

Dear Unbelievable,<P>Thank you so much for writing your thoughts as a WS. I particularly relate to the fact that you become defensive at times when your W is asking many questions -- you question her motives. That is exactly what my H said to me when I asked him why he seems so reluctant to answer my questions about his A.<P>Survivor gave you excellent hints on dealing with your W. It may seem at first like you are a convicted felon and who has received a life sentence of distrust (my H's view) but believe me if you show complete openness and honesty, if you share not only the actions that you did during the A but the feelings that you were experiencing, it will make your recovery go so much quicker. There will come a time when you will both be able to trust again, but it takes time and it takes honesty on a level that may be new for you both.<P>Please continue to post your thoughts since it really helps betrayed spouses to understand more about what we are all going through.<P>It sounds like you are one of the lucky ones, your marriage will be fine since you are committed to working through the pain to develop a new level of understanding.<P>God bless you. You will be in my prayers.<BR>- heavenly

Thanks to those who have replied, My W and I have made the commitment to work through the A. My intentions for this forum were to try and write my thoughts about the affair so I could get it all out in one place at one time and have it in print so she could examine it. My W has the whole story, piece by piece over time. She, I believe, still has lots of questions and needs more clarity on some issues. My attitudes on our M have changed, but I find her still questioning my motives. The frustration level for this WS is at a point where I believe she knows more about the A than I do, she kept a journal throughout the A, starting I think the day she moved out. She has days and times when most every event happened, and has been able to put the darn thing in cronilogical order. She is dealing from truth and logic while I deal from lies and "how did this happen". <BR> I'd like to try and write some of this, knowing that it all won't come out know, but some is better than none. I'm a recovering alcholic, have been in recovery 6 plus years. Any views I have about recovery are mine and may not reflect the AA opinion. I don't speak for other alcholics. I still attend meetings and try and work a program, though I let it, me, my W and others down with the A. The A was very similiar to drinking for me in many ways. Contact with the OW was infact very much like the first drink, the thing that got me in trouble. Once you take that first step, which is to put down the drink you start the road to recovery. Once contact with the OW stoped, I found myself on that same road. For my own piece of mind if I keep things simple I can function and get some peace. I'm a control freak, a neat freak, and I take other peoples inventory, forgetting my own part in any situation. I don't take advice or critism well. I dislike authority and believe the rules don't apply to me. <BR> In short, I'm no bundle of joy to live with. What I've learned in AA is that there are differences between self caring and selfishness, self righteous and righteous, and self centered and balance. Ahh balance, that place of serenity, what a concept, for me it is that place I pass through as I bounce from one wall to the other. Anger, a luxuary that I don't have is something that can put me in a funk. When I become angry, I either explode or grow a resentment. If I don't talk about what bothers me but keep it inside it festers away and puts me in a dark place. <BR> Here then lies some of my story, the maybe how this thing, the A started. About 3 years ago my kids showed me a place on line where I could play card games interactive. It didn't take long for me to find Spades and start playing with others in a competitve atmosphere. You can play for rank or rating with you and a partner against another team. It didn't take long for me to "collect" a bunch of different partners and my game and rank improved. I was hooked. I had a place to go after work or a disagreement with my wife, children, etc. where all I had to do was play and not think. I spent hours, sometimes depriving myself of sleep on the darn computer. My W objected many times, but I didn't listen (care) I was happy. One of the many things that I have learned from all of this is that my W and I don't pay much attention to each others "no's". Last April, a women approached me on-line and said she heard I was a wonderful Player and would I mind teaming up with her. Her rank was poor but she said it was because of bad partners that she knew how to play. Talk about hitting me where I live, the old ego stroked. We teamed up and began playing. She was a good player and seemed to also have a sense of humor. We began "chatting" after our matches mostly about nothing and it seemed harmless. Meanwhile W, who is waiting for me has fallen asleep or is off reading or trying to cope without me. Partner became the OW, she had a bad marriage, strange I suppose as I sit here and write this that mine in my own mind was not bad nor was I unhappy, as I grew closer to the OW my image of my own marriage changed. I became unhappy and critical of W. Many times OW would describe her H and while she was I would think she is talking about me, I would tell her this and she would say, oh no, your nothing like him. Your kind, funny, your just perfect. Part of me, and I admit a part that should have been bigger was saying "what crap" you don't even know me, but a larger part, the ego was saying more more more. Found out thru our chats, but I believe that OW already knew, that we lived less than 100 miles from each other. She worked in a town that I also work in. My job requires me to drive to different locations and I drive 1500 miles a week with 1 or 2 overnights a week. She works in a retail atmosphere in one of my favorite stores. She said "why not drop in and say hi" no harm in that. With some reluctance I did just that, but being rather shy, I didn't introduce myself. Later on-line I told her I was there. Of course I got the that is so unfair, blah blah blah. I agreed to go back and introduce myself, which I did, and this time I told my W what I had done. I don't remember W's reaction, other than be careful. OW, now that she had met me started to pour it on, your so handsome, there isn't a shy bone in your body, etc. etc. etc. The chats became more flirty and took on a sexual nature. OW wanted to go to lunch, "I just hate eating alone" and "what harm is there in lunch", so we did, and the real beginning of the affair in my mind because I kept this as a secret from my W. Secrets are what isolate me from W and the rest of the real world. Secrets to me are like that first drink, the thing that keeps me from clear thinking. I can't get drunk if I don't pick up that first drink. Easy thoughts for a non-alcoholic person, but thoughts that are alien to an alcoholic. Secrets act in much the same for me and this A. Think I've written enough for now, starting to feel drained, but I will be back. This type of place gives me what I need, a place to get it out and to write my thoughts down....Thanks for being here, if this helps others, fine, if not it helps me......

Unbelievable,<BR>Wow, there are a lot of spouses here whos H are also alcoholics. I think this may really help them. I commend you for being able to write so honastly and look at how this happened. I think you are right about the secrets too. Secrets are what fuel the affair, and its why we BS want to ask so many questions. I feel that as long as my H is still hiding things, still has secrets only he and OW share, then the affair still has some of that mystic to it. <P>I take it your OW is not married? You make it sound like she initiated your meeting, do you think it was innocent or was she looking for a relationship? oops there I go asking questions.<BR>Lora

Sorry, the following posted twice and I can't delete!<p>[This message has been edited by Wounded2673 (edited March 18, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Wounded2673:<BR>[B]This is my husband. My thoughts when he first came home were this: That he was setting me up,making me think he was sorry but still intending to have a life with OW. That he was afraid if I got a Divorce because of the affair, I would take him to the cleaners. That he needed to come home to "try" and fail so I would not try to benefit financially. So, that I would not be so bitter about the A because we had tried and failed. I really thought that, Baby. <BR>He was still so much "in Love" with OW, he could not bear to say anything bad about her. And he REALLY didn't like me. I heard nothing but negative things about me and the person I am the first month or so. I knew at that point, he was lying to himself. I know who I am. I AM better.<P> I have been unhappy in this M,too. I lived with an active alcoholic for 22 years. I thought he loved me for how I took care of him. Classic enabler am I. I sort of knew he didn't realize the extent of his love for me but I was confident that if I continued to show him, never saying no, always putting him first, telling him how wonderful he was to me, that someday he would know. When he withdrew, I allowed it without much fight because I thought I was giving him what he needed and Hey, he always came back. Just not tis time. I wonder if he had been in his withdrawal mode at another time, if someone so very receptive to having an A with him and so flattering to his ego, if this could have happened before. I don't think it did, in fact, I know it didn't.<P>I want to take responsibility for the state of my M before this A. It's hard to think that I have behaved in ways that could have been unloving when I so completely loved him,only him, always him. Even most my fantasies were about him. And if I did fantasize about a movie star or some thing ridiculous like that, he was always out of the picture. I wouldn't have had an A with Mel Gibson, for God's sake, if it meant hurting him. And, ladies, we know that's saying alot, yes?<P>I know he's sorry and i know he's trying. I know he loves me. I just hate that he had to have sex with another woman to find that out. Frankly, I can't understand how he could touch her, make out with her, make love to her, when he says he never didn't love me. The EA makes some sort of sense but the PA cost him part of his soul. And, for what?<P> He says he knew he wouldn't want a life with her but never made that clear to her. She would ask and talk about it and he went along with it. She still thinks he loved her.YUCK!!He never told her he didn't. It makes me feel as though he used her to get out of our marriage, the one thing I would never forgive. This M he says he never wanted to end.

Unbelieveable: My H is a recovering alcoholic. He is also a neat freak and a lot of the other things that you described of yourself (with the exception of controlling). However, my H's affair was his "rock-bottom" for his alcoholism. It is what got him to stop drinking. The OW drank a lot also and enabled his bad behavior.<P>Wounded: A lot of what you are feeling, I could have written myself. I completely understand what you are going through and what you are feeling.<P>It sounds like both of you are ready to commit & move forward to a successful recovery. You definitely have a head start. Keep posting here, plan A each other & keep consistent, be patient & understanding. Both of you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions. That is normal, but it will take time & committment to recovery for the trauma to be overcome.<P>I'm glad that you are both here. I believe that your marriage will survive this!

Dear unbelievable, Thank you for your reply to my post. Your 1st few weeks of recovery sound very much like what my H is going through now. He still gets suspicious of my motives at times but that seems to be decreasing. His OW is, in my opinion, also a very unlikely choice, though he, I think, still believes that under different circumstances their relationship could have worked and continues to be pretty depressed. My H also has issues with addiction. I showed him your first post and plan to show him your other posts. Hopefully, reading about what someone in similar circumstances is going through will help him realize that he is not that unique and that others are dealing with the same feelings. I know it has helped me so much to read what other BSs are going through as well as learning from the WSs that they are just struggling humans too not callous and cruel. We BSs are also often waiting for the other shoe to drop!

Dear Unbelievable,<P>Thank you for such a detailed look into the mind of a person starting an A. While you are helping yourself to get some perspective, you are also helping scores of others on this forum to understand the "why" that lingers in the minds of betrayed spouses. <P>Wounded, you sound very much like me. An A by its nature is about secrets and lies. I kept journals too of incidents that did not seem quite right in my mind when I was suspecting my H was involved with someone else. I keep asking my H about this particular date, or that event, or that time -- and of course, they were all lies to cover up what he was doing. But it made my H so uncomfortable to come face to face with the lies on top of lies that he told that the exercise of asking "why" became counterproductive.<P>In the beginning counselling helped us a great deal. My counsellor told me that I should ask what I need to know but to remember that there is absolutely no answer that my H can give that will exonerate him and make it right. So, there comes a point when you have to let it go, and start a new day with new rules.<P>It is like being alcoholic. Everything that happened before the date you stopped drinking was part of the same disease. You start to concentrate on being disease-free and making the most of the second chance you have been given.<P>My H says that he never told the OW he loved her either. But just like yours, he never said he didn't. He listened to her plans for the future and he made it seem that he welcomed those plans. He hurt her as badly as he hurt me. And, he told me that he feels badly about destroying her emotionally and that is why he does not talk badly about her. While he knows he did the same to me, he believes that he is here with me every day trying to make it up to me. That is his proof of his love and commitment.<P>It takes time to regain trust and some things will never be exactly the same. But things can be wonderful in a different way. Sounds like you two are going to make it just fine. You are both in my prayers.<P>- heavenly

How wierd, talking to my W here. First to you baby, you question the time that I really found out how much I loved you. By touching another I came to see what I had at home. You still think, I believe that this was caused by you. That isn't true, it was because I chose OW over us, there is a difference. I had contact with OW after I came home, after I promised that if I did I would tell you, I didn't as you found out, The A needed to end, and be ended by me in my way and in my words. OW was still comfort to me as we tried to get back to some place of mutual togetherness, I called OW 2 times and she called me 3 over a month period or so. You took a 5 day vacation to see your family and it was then, not the OW, or a comparsion as you see it, but the fact that you were gone. Would I miss you, you bet. Did I want you, you bet. The very first night you were gone and I was back on line playing spades with OW. After game, she wanted "chat", which I did, but felt slimy. The second night I asked her, to give me and you room, no contact for 6 months, etc etc. She agreed, but as you had said prior, I left her lurking. The third night, I got the courage to tell her no more contact ever, I loved my wife and wanted my marriage. OW isn't the problem, we are. OW can't come in if I don't lie and I won't. I love you and that look that I've put on your face kills me. God, I wish I could take it off. Time, works here as in many places. I've read lots about the rollercoaster here, the ups and downs, well I can face them and will, I want to be honest, but the truth as it should be instead of how I see it comes only with a clear head. Its' those damn curves of the rollercoaster that throw me. <BR> To Lora, no my OW is married, I am according to her the 2nd A. God, what was I doing? Do I now think she was looking? (by the way ask, if I don't want to answer I won't, just ask my W). Yes, I believe I was picked, a) by age, b) I played spades and c) i lived close. She knew all this from my bio at the spades sight. However, I am not suggesting that this A was all her fault, I could have ran, and chose not to.<BR> LetSTry, I wish I had the first few weeks of being home back, I had promised W that i would tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, some of what I said was based on still being in the fog, other things I answered out of spite and others just because she had hurt me, or so I thought and I wanted to hurt back. I wasn't protecting the OW as my wife thinks, but because the OW and I shared the same Lies I was protecting myself. This behavior of mine was wrong and in time it began to change. Hang in there, it seems like lots of folks can go through this thing and survive.<BR> Survivor, You make lots of good points and suggestions, little hints on how to make things bearable at home. Many of these we, I, have or had done prior to coming here, I know that I have to show that I want this, not just talk the talk but walk the walk. We are in counsling, (my Therapist) and my W is in seperate also. Some of what they say doesn't jive with what the other says and at some point I think we will find 1 that we both can live with. W, I think is afraid that once we get to a certain point all those things that I am doing now will stop. The thing about it is not only how it makes her feel, but how it makes me feel. The feeling one gets from doing the next right thing far outweighs any time or energy it takes to do it. I love the feeling, wish I had done it years ago, but I can't go back, only foward and will continue doing it.<BR> Heavenlybody, just a plain thanks, glad to know were not so unique. I have more to write about but think I'll just veg for awhile.............

Wow ... this struck me: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says he knew he wouldn't want a life with her but never made that clear to her. She would ask and talk about it and he went along with it. She still thinks he loved her.YUCK!!He never told her he didn't.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>When this all started, my husband told me that he knew he wouldn't be with her forever. And I KNOW that she doesn't know that. Of course, he is still with her, planning to move away with her (I think, personally, he believes that too much has happened for us to ever work again, and needs to be with 'someone' - since she ain't going anywhere - she's the one.). How did unbelieveable ever realize that he COULD come back?<P>Welcome to you both - we are good listeners here, and will not sugarcoat what we think, so if you want an unpolished blunt, frank opinion, just ask. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,My W thought that while we were seperated I was trying to come to some decision on what to do with my life and OW. She didn't know that it had grown into a PA. I had led her to believe that I had feelings for the OW and was struggling with them(the feelings). I also told W that OW didn't know about these feelings. W, wrote me a note saying she had had enough of my crap, and if I didn't make up my freakin mind we were through. It was at this moment that I knew that either way I was, as they say, between a rock and a hard place. I fully believed that once W knew of the A our marriage was over, but I also knew the lies had to stop. I called W on the phone and after some hemming and hawing told her of the A, fully expecting as I said to be told to go to hell. W, instead was willing to try and save our M. I came home that day, ou D-day. Thanks for the response, and the poem........

I will tell you how I decided to let him come home. I had no idea about the OW until 2 weeks into the separation. I asked him,point blank, and of course, he lied and I said I believed him but I didn't. I dug a little and he then "admittted " he had strong feelings for her and that nothing had happened...that she was married and didn't even know of his feelings. Stupidly, I did beleive that. He is not a man capable of this, I thought.<BR>When he told me over the phone what he had done, after I had a "violent physical reaction", if you know what I mean, I went to where he was living. He looked 10 years older, he wanted to come home and was in obvious pain. I had said all during this time, when he said he "didn't think he wanted to be married anymore" that being married was all I wanted. Well, now I had to put my money where my mouth was, here is was, my life back. But the main thing was his pain. I forgot my own for one moment and took him in my arms to stop his pain. We have been married 28 years,since I was 18, and I have always loved him so. Plus, I was in shock, I think. He came home that very evening. I wrote the letter he mentioned over the course of an entire Sunday. Just woke up MAD, the events of MY life were being decided out of my control.Afetr I gave my life to him. HOW DARE HE? After all we were to each other. I just had enough and wanted to move on. I wasn't going to sit like a good little girl and wait.<BR>He truly believed the marriage would be over if I found out about the PA. I always said so...but he still managed to find a way to do this thing and still come home. <BR>I have problems with the pure selfishness of his actions. He saw her, he wanted her, he fixed it,in his head, so he could "have" her and then he figured out a way to come home. It probably wasn't that deliberate but it sure feels like it. He saud he was unhappy for a year before the thing began and blamed me. But he never gave any real indication of his unhappiness, just withdrawal from the family. He gave me a Mother's Day card that said he knew he was distant,but that he loved me and I was his life. All the while, the EA was happening. He gave me just enough to make me feel safe. WHY? I don't think he had any intention of actually sleeping with her at that point. <P> <BR>

Baby, I was gonna reply with a quote but I don't know how!<BR>You said that as you grew closer to her, that your view of our M changed. That you were not unhappy before her. Does that mean you WEREN'T unhappy for a year before? <P>You say she practically raped you in the rest area, that it wasn't what you wanted. And that you felt horrible afterward. That was Wed. The VERY NEXT DAY, you began searching for a hotel room so you could do it right, because you were already unfaithful, might as well go on.<BR>Friday, you did just that,make love(yuck).How bad did you REALLY feel,so guilty? But not enough to stop you,huh? It's addiction,sure,but isn't addiction rooted in feeling how you think you want to feel? I don't think you felt one bit badly for me. I think you only felt badly for yourself.For your own guilt but hey, you were taking care of you...once you saw that taking care of you wasn't going to get you what you wanted later, to come home,you came clean.<P>I wish you could say that the things you thought while the A was happening were based on what you thought you wanted.That NO, it wasn't real but it felt that way at the time. Because all your words and actions, even after you came home prove it. Even your words the day the fog lifted and I quote-Baby, I never loved her,it was sheer lust, those were the feelings I had. Those words say, to me, that yeah, you were confused about your feelings and you thought you might have loved her.Why would you say you didn't, if you KNEW you didn't? When a week earlier you said you must have,in order to do what you did. And that was 3 months after you came home,once the feelings had faded some! To totally deny that those feelings existed ever in any way, seems dangerous to me. If I am wrong, and I certainly accept that possibility, show me!!! The Fog, I DO get it but I really need to be sure you do. Yes, she is scummy and I would be embarassed by chosing this person,too. But I think you were chosen and played by her, You are just a man who beleives that everyone is as good a person as he is. And you are a good person, you would never think badly of a person you call a friend. And you thought she was your friend and that she loved you(HA). And Further, you thought I wasn't and that I wouldn't care what you did. Yes, lies you told yourself...You knew I adored you and that I was so happily married to the "best person I have ever known".<P>I AM your best friend, have always been. Our life is just that, OURS. Whatever is good for you is good for me and vice-versa. It cannot be separated, at least in my mind. You and Me are US,WE. Together. I had a beautiful weekend with you,Baby. Love you