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Joined: Feb 2000
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Jill Offline OP
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Hi.<P>I just needed some space for my thoughts. Feel free to respond.<P>As most of you know, I confessed my unfaithfulness to my husband on October 13, 2000. This was one year and seven months after I had ended the relationship with the other man. It has now been just over five months since I confessed. <P>Sunday night, my husband and I had a good night. We acted like kids and laughed. That was the first night that we had laughed alone together in a long, long time. It felt so great.<P>My husband and I had a conversation last night in which we both agreed that things weren't really improving much. I told my husband that it seems like he isn't very interested in trying to rebuild our marriage. I also told him that I felt tired of trying to rebuild at times, too. This wasn't a big screaming fight...just a conversation. My husband told me that when I confessed my unfaithfulness, his heart became unable to give love or receive love. He told me that he knew that he hadn't been trying and that he's just been very numb. I reminded him that we don't talk. We don't do things together. We don't have sex. So, just what DO we do??????? In October when I first confessed, I told my husband that if he wanted me to leave that I would leave peacefully. The next day, he told me that he didn't want me to leave. Last night, I told my husband that I was feeling insecure in our marriage and that I was afraid that he had changed his mind and didn't want me anymore. He replied, "I've been with you for nearly 10 years now. Why would I throw all of that away because of one mistake?" I felt so much better when he said that. I NEEDED to hear that.<P>I feel like both of our "love banks" are very empty. It seems like we're so empty that even when we make efforts to meet each other's needs that it still doesn't help. Does that make sense?<P>I've mentioned before that my husband does not want to talk about what happened at all. When I confessed to him, I came here and printed out all of my old posts so that his questions would be answered and that he could decide what other questions he needed to ask. We've read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair. He doesn't really want to talk about his feelings and if he's okay or not. He says that when I bring up my mistake that it's like I'm slapping him in the face with the information all over again. So, I decided to respect his choice of not talking right now. I guess I should be glad that I have an amazing husband who is not constantly slapping me in the face with my horrible mistake.<P>I'm feeling very lonely. I'm feeling like I did before I started chatting with people online and before I met the OM. I'm not saying that I would ever cheat again...I learned my lesson the first time. However, I do realize that regardless of my intentions not to cheat again that I am extremely vulnerable due to being so lonely right now. Yes, I was honest with my husband and told him that I am feeling ignored and neglected and lonely.<P>I feel like I'm rambling.<P>I love my husband so much. I hate that I'm the reason that he's numb. I hate that I'm the reason that he's heartbroken and unable to open himself up to love or to be loved.<P>When will we feel like we're healing? When will meeting needs finally begin to make a dent in the damage that we've done to each other's "love banks"??<P>I had a horrible day last week. I cried all day and had suicidal thoughts. I stress that I had THOUGHTS of suicide...I'm too chicken to actually go through with anything like that.<P>I don't know how to help my husband to heal. Yes, I pray for him and for our marriage.<P>Jill

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Jill,<P>I would encourage the two of you to start marriage counseling together. It doesn't have to be a "rehash the past" type of counseling where the affair gets brought up over and over (and over) again. But you both need some help in learning good marital behaviors that will sustain your marriage.<P>I'm a big fan of the MB system, and the counseling that Steve and Jenn Harley provide (coaching) is excellent. I'd suggest that you call the office (888-639-1639) and make an appointment (my repetitive advice). If you want to tackle this on your own, I'd suggest that the two of you commit to using the 5 steps to romantic love workbook (along with Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs) to work through this together. I don't advise that you attempt this as a DIY project, however. I think you're in need of the professional coaching that the Harley's (or another qualified marriage counselor) can provide.

Joined: Aug 1999
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Jill,<P>I think K's advice is right on. You two do need to counsel with someone. It seems to me by not talking about the affair your H is running from the pain. However, when you run from the pain you also run from feeling anything.<P>He needs to talk with someone. He definitely needs to talk with you as well. Your affair was caused because of the state of the marriage. It seems to me that he would be interested in not letting the marriage get into that state again. <P>Do talk with him and see if the two of you can do some counseling.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Hi Jill--<P>Cast my vote with K's advice. Meanwhile, I'll send prayers your way...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

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My H and I are in counseling with Steve Harley and it has been invaluable. The whole recovery process is very difficult with hurt feelings on both sides and Steve is really helping us to get past the anger, resentment, and pain.

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Jill -<P>My H and I never had formal counseling, but I do think that it would have made things easier on us. I really don't think you will be able to make love deposits in each others bank until the "bank is open." I think there are issues that maybe both of you need to get out in the open - not in a re-hashing kind of way - but to get at the root of what went wrong - how your marriage got to where my marriage was too, vulnerable. I, too, agree that counseling sounds like a really good option. I mean - sometimes we can work through our own problems and other times we need a little help. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help - it might just do the trick to give you both a jump-start.<P>

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Jill,<P>I can honestly say that I felt very much like your husband told you that he feels. After the initial numbness faded, fear took its place- fear of being hurt and disappointed again, fear of losing my mind, fear of losing the only man that I have ever loved.<P>Counseling with Steve Harley made such a difference! The first counselor that we went to cost $150 per session and did NOTHING but talk about the past. Steve helped us put the past in perspective, but didn't focus on it. Instead he focused on stopping the love bank drain, and restoring the intimacy that we had lost. It takes work, but Steve was right there with us each step of the way.<P>Please give him a call. I KNOW it will help you, your husband, and your marriage.<P>Peppermint

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Hi Jill....<P>It's been awhile.<P>Just wanted to 'drop in' and say hi. <P>I was wondering...about the difficulty you are having right now at home....<P>Do you think you can seperate the differences that are there because of the affair...and the pre-existing problems that were there that probably contributed to the affair in the first place?<P>I know for me...they are pretty intermingled. You probably let your guilt override the legitamate concerns you had about the relationship, and just because your husband did not leave you, and has been reasonably decent about the whole thing, doesn't mean that there are not issues that he has yet to deal with. <P>It would seem to me, that if the original problem is not 'fixed', that the likelyhood of repeat affairs is out there. I don't mean that as a prophetic curse, just an observation.<P>Like Harley says, there is no excuse for affairs, but their are reasons. Has your husband ever really done some serious probing as to why it happened to begin with?<P>Good to 'see' you again....been awhile since I've posted!<BR>:-)<P><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited March 22, 2001).]

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Jill Offline OP
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NoMas,<P>It HAS been a while! Thanks so much for replying to my post. I'm not even sure that you will venture back here to read this, yet I'm talking to you as if you will be back...<P>Yes, I've thought about everything that you mentioned. My husband has been more than reasonably decent about this whole thing which makes me worry about him even more. I'm worried that he needs to talk but just won't talk. I'm worried that he needs help or needs to address some issues and that he just won't...his heart is broken and I know that is as a fact.<P>In the Surviving An Affair Book, Harley talks about rebuilding trust, etc. I try to do things to rebuild trust because I don't think that my husband will ask for these things even though he might need them. For example, I let him know where he can reach me at all times, etc. I gave him passwords to my old e-mail accounts so that he could check them from time to time. We have an agreement to no longer erase temporary Internet files or the history. I no longer use a different e-mail account, etc. During my affair, I was the exact opposite of this. I no longer get on the computer after he has gone to bed. He feels violated when I do this...he told me so.<P>Issues to deal with...<P>I'm lonely and depressed most of the time, though my "friends" here don't realize it because I'm good at hiding how I feel. I think that's why I was so vulnerable to an affair in the first place -- I squashed my feelings and didn't tell anyone that I was lonely. This time, I told my husband. Now I'm telling anyone who reads this.<P>My husband is still non-verbal and very passive -- exactly as he was before my affair took place. We can go to a restaurant with friends and everyone will tell me that I look great or my dress looks great. My husband can't even mumble a "you look nice"...maybe he DOESN'T think I look nice. He comes home from work and asks for the checkbook or the mail, but he doesn't ask about me or how my day went...little things like that that hurt and build-up over time.<P>And, since I feel depressed, lonely, and neglected and unattractive to my husband (poor me...I HATE sounding like this), I'm not in the mood for sex or recreation (aren't they the same thing?? LOL) which are my husband's TOP needs. I mean, I feel NOTHING. Did I stress the word NOTHING enough??? And I know that by not meeting my husband's needs that someone else might come along who will meet them. I'm leaving him vulnerable to an affair, and that is wrong of me.<P>Yes, I'm terrified that I'm so vulnerable right now. Before I cheated on my husband I was in the "WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?" club. I even had an imaginary "CHEATERS ARE LOSERS" t-shirt that I wore with pride in my mind because as the famous last words go...I WOULD NEVER DO THAT...<P>Now I know what NOT to say. I'm no longer a member of the club. I burned the t-shirt. <P>Anyway...this has been tough.<P>Yep...I'm more than glad that I confessed and I wouldn't change a thing. I think that if my husband and I can get through this that we will have an amazing marriage in the future.<P>NoMas, I hope that you're doing okay.<P>Thanks so much for responding previously even if you don't come back to read this.<P>If you get a chance, let me know how you're doing.<P>Jill

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Hi Jill...yea...came back to see if you would.<P>Say...I found your old email address from an old thread, and sent you a quick hello. FYI<P>Life is going on with me...I'm still alive...trying to follow that 'yellow brick road'. Would prefer not to open up chapters of the past here on the boards...but I am ok.<P>Not sure if you even go into the old yahoo adress...but thought I'd let you know I sent something. On my way out of here for now....<P>Take care...<P>:-)

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Hi Jill,<P>Just wanted to take a minute to send prayers and hugs and let you know that I'm thinking of you. You've done so much to encourage and help me and I was sorry to hear things are tough for you right now. I hope you and your husband will be able to get into counseling together and talk and address issues so the healing can continue. You can't keep all that bottled up inside of you forever......it'll blow one day......and that won't be good. Hang in there and thanks again for all you help to me.....you're an amazing person to be able to share and encourage the way you do. <P>Take care,<BR>lonelyheart

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Hi Jill,<BR>Thinking of you and you husband. You are in my prayers.<BR>I was so impressed and touched by your reply to my post taht I printed it out and reread it many times. REading how a ws feels about a bs helped me. Thanks.<P>If you have time, and feel up to it, go back and read my reply. <P>I can't think like a ws but I do feel you have a heart. It has to be a deep struggle. Don't give up and work though it. I am cheering for you. You are a sincere source of strength for others. We are all on the side of marriage.<P>I look forward to hearing from you. elo <P>

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Jill,<P>I would really try to do something about getting the two of you in counseling. If not both of you, then just you. People are human. We are vulnerable, and when you feel as you do, you very well could go back to your old way of coping- infidelity. I know you have good intentions, but you also have needs. And it doesn't sound as though you dealt with the issues that brought you to choose infidelity the first time. Please get some help. Suicidal thought are really, really serious! Your pain is really serious.<P>"Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" is the method of coping learned in dysfunctional families. It could be that this is how your husband has learned to "stuff" pain. This works, but only temporarily. It eventually must erupt in some way. And when it does, it probably won't be healthy unless he learns how to talk, trust, and feel. Your husband really needs someone to talk to too. If not you, perhaps he would go to a counselor alone. Maybe you can persuade him to do it by saying it's for you or the kids? <P>I applaud your ability to stay together through this, but the work and the healing is still ahead. It starts when you can fight, feel, and be honest about what has happened and what you want to happen now. It's not enough to share the same space. You want to have a meaningful existence, right? I hope this happens for you.


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