Hi all,<P>What would you do if:<P>1. Your ws blames you (bs) for all the financial devastation he has caused?<P>2. Your ws blames you for foreclosure.<P>3. Your ws says you will be responsible for displacing HIS family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>4. Your ws says the ow's child lives with "her" even though they all live in the same place.<P>5. YOur ws tells you that "He is living in REALITT" AND i AM IN A FANTASY.<P>6. YOUR WS TELLS YOU THAT HE CAN'T AFFORD HIS EXPENSES BECAUSE HE HAS TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT.<P>7. Your WS is telling our children about the very serious financial issues? Even after I ask politely for him not to.<P>ETC, ETC, ETC,<P>Well, do you get my drift; are we on the same page; are we in the same boat; are we riding the same wsve? Are we eating from the same plate? Are we sitting in the same chair?<P>Have you heard SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES AND WORDS BEFORE?<BR>CAn anyone here relate to this this?<BR>The BS is always the blame for anything the WS refuses to take responsibility or be held accountable for?<P>Main question:<P>I sent a Plan A. So, no matter waht my H does or says, do I just grin and bear it in ordert to avoid any lovebusters.<P>At this point, I am beginning to believe that the only way to avoid love busters is to avoid him?<P>Let me hear form you> <P>elo

Elo, all the statements on your list are made by someone deep in the fog. He is being totally irrational and blaming you rather than deal with the fact that HE is the cause of the problem.<P>I'm a former WS and I used to blame my H for everything in an attempt to divert the attention from myself and what I was doing.<P>Hang in there! {{{BIG HUG}}}}

It's a common coping/defense mechanism called "projection". Everything that is too uncomfortable for them to cope with is 'projected" onto someone else,thus alleviating the guilt they feel and making someone else the bad guy. Typical behavior for the WS in many instances.

elo,<P>You ask what to do. My response is Let it Go and find yourself. YOU can not change him nor his cloudy thinking. You can change you. I liken it to speaking to someone of a differnt language, you can talk and talk but they do not have a clue what you are saying. Instead forget the conversation and focus on the big picture of learning the language. i.e. focus on gaining control of Your life, find ways to build your own self-esteem, find happiness in what you have. Live in the moment and make the most of it for You and your kids. You have shown alot of courage and love, treat yourself well.<P>Joyful

Dear Elo,<P>Ok, we are at the same crossroads again. Are you sure your WS is not related to mine? Same issues. For me the WS is now feeling the heat. Can't play like he is in dateland forever. Reality of bills are hitting him fast and hard. He is already 2 months behind on his bills (cell phone - quite high due to him & OWs constant calls - over 50 hours a month, pager, personal loan, truck payment, room rent and now threatening not to file his taxes for last year.) <P>Oh, it gets better, now I am responsible for not letting him get his desk out of my house. I have changed the locks and told him he can remove his desk this evening after I get home from work. I have already made arrangements for our son to be away from the house. But this is not good enough for the man that has given his family 'nothing'. He wants immediate action. <P>Also, I am now responsible for preventing him from getting back his old job (which he recently turned down). Why? Because I called the police when he threatened to cut the garage door with his chain saw because I had changed the locks. Now mind you, he did not need to go into the garage that day. His truck was already full with the items he had taken from the house. His tools in his garage needed to be picked up separately. He just made a scene because he was mad. He said he wanted to scare me and he did. Now this is a man that is slim (very slim) in stature and has a weak back and knee. But he managed to pull enough energy to run to the garage, start up his chain saw, but a piece of wood (right by me) to prove he can do it (whatever it meant), then run back to the house to attempt to destroy either our home computer or my work computer. <P>Wow, guess what, this used to be such a kind and gentle man? What has he turned into? I think he has Mrs. Psyco Babble's disease. H is such a different person. His eyes (which are bright blue) are dull and look empty, his manner in which he carries himself is as one in a depressed state. OW and H are making big plans. When that started, I noticed H was blaming me more and more. When I started pushing back and letting him know that I would no longer be his cushion for blame, he started showing anger. <P>When I also told him to remove all his things and to reduce the amount of contact he has with his family, that is when it all came out (well at least a lot of it). Now I am the 'bad' one in their (H & OW's) eyes. Oh well.... I know I am not, everyone else (except H & OW) knows I am not guilty of breaking up this marriage and for now that is what I have to be content with.<P>What H & OW think about me or anything else, is beginning to have less of an effect on me. What they do away from me is also having less of an emotional impact on me. H says that when he acts like he does not want to come back home that, that is when I start making demands for him to remove his things. Well duh!!!! Doesn't that make sense? Just because H can't speak how he feels, I then must go by his actions. Ok, I can do that. <P>Bottom line is (as the police officer told me), I am the one who has been acting rational in this problem. That is important for me. That is where my concern needs to be. My self, my son and our home is what is important for me to keep going. Along with that my self respect, love of God and neighbor will help me keep my perspectives in line. Along with the great support of those here, family, friends, etc. <P>There, now I feel a little bit better. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P> <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by elo:<BR><B><BR>I sent a Plan A. So, no matter waht my H does or says, do I just grin and bear it in ordert to avoid any lovebusters.<P>At this point, I am beginning to believe that the only way to avoid love busters is to avoid him?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Plan B is a wonderful clarity inducer. Not seeing the ex helped me to see what a loser he was. He claims that after not seeing me, he started feeling that *I* was the liar (even though I've not had an affair), the conniver, the deceptive one, etc. Meanwhile, he's been creeping around my house and trying to see me any way he can. Somehow, I think Plan B gave him some clarity too, although not the kind he claims. I think his insults are a result of his hurt pride because I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT LOSER EVER AGAIN and he knows it.<P>Don't feel badly. Your H really is in a delusional state. I've heard it before about cheaters, but being on this board, you see it over and over. It's real. It ought to have it's own "syndrome" name. There is nothing wrong with your sense of reality. Yes, he's crazy.

After reading these posts, I am now begining to see where my H's new attitude is coming from. At first it was a "walking on air" scenario (because OW emailed him, that this is where "they" were at) One week after EA became PA, he began to withdraw from me instead of his previous consoling and helpful ways. Acctually, acting as he did before the EA began. Friends and family have told him that OW is unacceptable now or ever. Seems he told them maybe in time they will accept her. (Same time as attitude change). Said he sounded more resigned than happy.<P>As you say Susie<BR>"I'm a former WS and I used to blame my H for everything in an attempt to divert the attention from myself and what I was doing."<P>Think that is precisely what is happening here. And... he doesn't seem all that thrilled about his new prospect. I honestly think that OW has started to put some pressure on him. OR ... she has once again influenced him not to see me unless necessary. Probably because he has told her ,once again, he feels sad about what the A is doing to me. OW uses some great psychology on him so she probably said something like, "Remember you must take care of yourself my (terms of endearment) and do not place yourself in a position for negative thinking, you are to important,wonderful, kind, loving,... adnauseum." <P>At least it's a change. He seems to be thinking.<P>Orchid, good to see your post. My H hasn't started blaming me for everything, yet. But then he barely talks to me. Dull eyes? Hard to tell when they try to avoid looking at you.<P>Maybe a plan?<BR>I am going to try to continue being friendly so he doesn't have another "reason" to justify his actions and relieve his guilt. Believe this is the ideal time to be friendly. <BR>Also want to tell him that I understand what a difficult time he must be having and hope that we can treat each other as good friends, not as enemies while we both have things to sort out. <P>This attitude may not be a bad thing, if we (BS's) can maintain.<P>Love and prayers to you all. In the words of yesteryear, "Keep the faith."

Orchid, Medea, Whatami,<P>So glad to read all these replys.<P>Am thinking of all of you. I am so glad to have this place ot come to for reassurance, support, encourage, and advice.<P>Orchid, I have told you how mucy I appreciate your replys andI do chew and digest them. Some of the words and suggestions are in my blood stream and are going to my brain and nervous system. I am becoming strengthened and resolved little by little as to what direction would be the wisest to move in.<P>Medea, thanks for your replys to my three posts. I am reading them and I will respond to you later today.<P>Whatami, thanks for replying on this post. I like some of hte comments you made. Here's hoping we can all help each other move along in which direction we believe that is best for us. Keep in touch.<P>elo

Forgot to mention one adjective the OW has used to describe herself and my H. "TRUSTWORTHY"! Oh, here's another "CONSIDERATE".<P>Talk about your FOG. <P>Sometimes just tickles my sense of humor.<P>

MTHHRd,<P> You like myself have to many letters. Anyway "BINGO"<BR>That is exactly what my H did while in the fog. Projection, it was so obvious!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb