Hi all,<P>In recent conversation I had with my H, I made it clear to him,as I have done before, that I cannot afford the two mortgages on this house and I plan to leave it. It is too hard for me and the three children to stay in emotionally without him.<P>He answered: Reconciliation: it will never happen. I replied: thanks for calling and I love you. I am sorry that you feel that way. <P>Now, I am beginning to think that maybe if I told him I also do not want reconciliation. And just leave it at that.<BR>Don't know how he will interpret this. He knows I will not file for d. because I did not leave and I am not in an affair.<P>I am at a crossroads/fork in the road... <P>I have to take a stand, follow through and show him I can make it without him. So, short of filing for d., I will be moving our three children to a smaller rental house. <BR>He is furious and he now blames me for displacing them. <P>Wait? Who left? Who didn't pay the mortgages? Who defied the court ordered child support judgment? Who has barely seen his children for 1 year--but houses the daughter of the ow!! And he tells me-the daughter lives with the mother- what excuse me? And what corner do you sleep in?<P>Is this denial? incredible, unbelievable. <P>REverse psychology? <P>elo<P>

I would try it, but only as a last resort. Have you filed for a legal separation? If it does not work, just acting confident will help you to feel it.<P>This is probably not good advice. I have not read other posts from you. I hope someone else could give better advice.<P>Good luck.

Well, only say it if you plan to do it..don't say anything<BR>you won't put into action...<P>I say that..only because your word is all that you have..<BR>and if you don't stand by your word then why should he<BR>trust anything that you say?<P>Talk to a realtor and see about putting your house<BR>on the renters market..and see about renting it out...to help with the mortage payments for it..you can rent it for<BR>over the mortage amount..and then you won't have to worry<BR>as much..or you could put it on the market for sale..and split the money..(or keep the money as back child support)<P>Do not let him control where you and your children live..<BR>He left...not you..You need to do whats best financially <BR>for you and your children..and if moving to a less expensive<BR>home will do that..then do it..and don't let him put some guilt trip on you..for doing what is right for you and your<BR>children...and if he doesn't like it..then he can pay the<BR>mortage..or agree to a sale of the house to help w/ his back<BR>owed child support..<P>You can also..since it's court ordered...contact the state and see about getting his wages garnished for child support<BR>and also getting his income tax return for back child support..I know that where I work at..if they get an order from the court for child suport..it comes directly out of the paycheck..and straight to the state..something to look into...<P>But really contact a realtor about the rental or sale of the<BR>house..<P><BR>

Dear Very Hurt, Thorned Rose,<BR>Thanks for replys. So much wisdom; I am glad I posted this question. I just can't think like an infidel, adulterer.<P>Why should I say I don't reconciliation when I really do want it? I am certainly not going to say I want a divorce when I do not want a divorce.<P>I do have integrity, and I know H knows that. I guess of out of frustration, I am desparately trying to find ways that will bring this affair to its death.<P>So, this reverse psychology idea of mine stinks!!<P>CAn't rent house; mortgage company won't allow it.<P>I filed for Child support in Aug 2000 when he stopped sending me money. Judgment rendered 10/12/00. He defied it for 6 months until late Feb. he was told he would lose his driver's license if he didn't reveal his employer. He did and I have received 3 checks.<P>AND SO NOW, HE CAN'T SUPPORT BOTH PLACES--well, welcome to the real world, my husband. At least, I am hoping that is what happens--<P>As I have read in many books on affairs, affair are born of lies and deceit and they most often die because of the lies and the dishonesty. <P>When the real world problems begin to settle in on the passion of the affair, and the annoyances of the op become more than they provide in the affair, this could become the beginning of the end...<P>Who knows, only time will tell.<P>YOur are right, Thorned Rose, don't let him dictate where we will live--he left. <P>My husband refused to sign to sell the house. I told him 8 months ago this was going to happen. He didn't believe me and asked me who gave you that legal advice. Of course, I am so stupid--I am BS--what do I know? I live in reality so I must be crazy--right? Well, my H in his foggish mentality thinks there is something wrong with me--because I am concerned that he is trying to support two places-that should be the least of my, the BS's business. How dare I question waht he is doing that has devasatated me and our children?<P>Have I made my point?<P>Thanks, elo<P>

I know that the old saying is the most desirable woman/man is the one you can't have, but I don't like games. I don't like reverse psychology. If it was all about games, when would you ever know what the truth is? When would you ever feel secure?<P>Anyway, I recently read a book called In the Meantime- Finding Yourself and the Love you Want. It's great for all us folks here who are stuck in the "meantime." One line in particular caught my attention and actually made me mad. It said something like, "You get what you deserve." <P>Now wait a minute! Did I deserve to be cheated on and lied to? No, but if I stayed knowing that that was the situation, I would deserve what came next. We all have the ability to see the writing on the wall if we just open our eyes. <P>I want to deserve happiness and love. I believe that only by creating it in my own life can I ever deserve it. So, it all begins with me. And I believe your happiness and stability begins with you. Stop worrying about what he is doing and with whom. Take care of your kids. Go after the child support he owes, house those children the best you can, and get on with your life. If you H comes back and offers some stability, happiness, and can be a good husband and father, it won't be because you sat around waiting for it to happen. It will be because you didn't.<P>Just my two cents.

<B>DO NOT SAY OR DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T MEAN OR PLAN TO DO!</B><P>Example:<BR>You tell him you don’t want reconciliation.<BR>He turns around and tells you he was a fool, blah, blah, blah and he wants you back.<BR>You tell him okay.<P>Then what is he to expect from you?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris,<P>Thanks for replying. Yes, I agree with you and it is not wise to say something that you do not mean.<P>I do want to move toward reconciliation.<P>My comments about reverse psychology--my desparate atttempt to try to reach him--NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL!!<P>tHANKS FOR taking the time to write because your support is so very helpful to me.<P>keep in touch. elo

Dear Elo,<P>Remember who you are dealing with. Someone with a full deck? Someone who may be willing to shift the cards in his favor? Someone who is willing to cheat, change the rules, etc.? <P>Now while you are a person of your word, dealing with someone who has no integrity, the odds may be stacked against you somewhat. Use this knowledge to your advantage. While not compromising on your standards, be resourceful. <P>If you can not rent the house outright, can you take in boarders? Can your H's check be garnished? Can you file for legal separation? Another poster said at one time, she took in work such as doing other persons laundry (she was a stay at home mom at the time). My girlfriend did that when her husband left her and her 4 girls. Her friends helped out by giving her some of that kind of work. It was benefical for all and helped her self esteem. <BR>Her husband was amazed at what she accomplished. He originally expected her to loose everything because she could not go to work due to her children being so young. He was wrong. This beautiful and kind mother proved to all what a great and resourceful person she was to the shame of her ex h. <P>Now that I think back, my grandmother did similar. My grandfather died and left her with 7 children (with the youngest about 3 days old). My grandmother did all sorts of odd jobs and made it without a penny from welfare. She was an amazing lady. <P>Just some thoughts. There are great minds here, I know I have benefitted from many of them. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.