Hi, all,<P>Unless you have walked in my shoes on this one, I don't if anyone here is willing to offer advice. <P>Financial devastation; foreclosure, bankruptcy; etc.<P>H lies to me on phone, to mortgage company, to bank, to our son, to everyone about what he going to pay...and doesn't.<P>I know that talking to him is like to talking the wall.<BR>He will only hear what he wants to hear; in fact, he has already programed himself about what he will say and what he wants to hear. He has already decided who is the blame and even, me, the BS, can't combat that-EVEN WITH THE TRUTH AND FACTS. Like we would be talking two different languages.<P>That is how IRRATIONAL AND UNREASSONABLE HE IS IN HIS PRESENT STATE OF MIND IN THIS AFFAIR.<P>I need to try to talk to him but I feel like I am spinning my wheels, and wasting my time.<P>I have thought about writing to him, calling him or trying to meet with him. I am actually scared for my life to a certain extent; esp, if I try to tell him that his decision to leave our domicile has brought on this financial devastation.<P>I am so frazzled that I just feel like doing and saying nothing. I sent Plan A letter and now I just sit and wait --probably for a d.<P>I am to the point that I will just not even try to communicate with him unless he moves to communicate with me. That is what happened last Sunday when I answered the phone. He told me he could not all his bills because he had to pay me money now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I calmly told him that I would not stay in this house and I could not afford to financially anyway. So, even though I am stating my honest assessment, he sees this as me going over his head. And who left????????????<P>He left and he still wants to be in total charge--of what?<BR>Total financial devastation?<P>Main question: If my gut instinct is that he is so irrational at this point, would be better to avoid face to face contact?<P>I am seriously considering a letter but I can't even be guaranteed he will receive it becau the op can sign for a certified letter.<P>I just don't know waht to do. How does a rational person talk to a irrational person about such profound and important life problems? <P>He just does not want to held accountable for the devasation he has and is causing? And the emotional and financial devastation continues...<P>I just keep sitting on this one. Maybe I'll make the right decision...soon...maybe...<P>elo

You've raised a number of issues here. First there is the financial situation. Then, you alluded to your physical safety being in danger. Then, you also seemed to say that you are in fear your H is delusional. <P>I'm sorry if you posted more elsewhere. I am not up to date on your story, but if you could give a bit more detail on each issue and what it is specifically that you would like advice on, I might be able to help. There are agencies who can help with all these situations.

Dear Elo,<P>Will a mediator or neutral 3rd party (family friend, etc.) help? I am in a similar situation. H does not seem to be aware of his financial obligations either. <P>He feels it is my fault that he does not have enough money for his room rent and his bills. No, I will not stand in line behind his creditors. I have fronted him money at his request based on his promise that he will repay me on the this paycheck. After a few 'choice colorful cliches', H agreed to put money in my bank account. I now have to check to see that he does. <P>Anyway, I know what you are going through. If you look at my post over in the D/D section under New kid on the block.... you will see my story. Financial, physical threats, verbal abuse. Boy they all go together. <P>Isn't it interesting that the OWs think they bring out the best in the WS when in reality it is the worst that we all see? Who is blind here? Is love blind or infatuation?<P>Hmmmm.....<P>Hey, let's hang in here together. We are survivors!!!!!<P>L.<BR>

Hi Orchid,<BR>You are such a kind member with so many replys. I can't seem to reply as often because I am new to this forum.<P>I do lurk a lot and jump in with replys and comments when I feel I have something to offer. <P>I know I have made many stupid mistakes since my husband abandoned us; and, yet, maybe, I have done something right because he has still not followed through with a d.<P>Even if he filed today, it could be another 60 days or more. I would get as many continuances as I could...<P>I have written a plan A letter. <P>In the recent telephone conversation when he told me I needed to absorb some of the bills to keep the house which is already in foreclosure becuase he DEFIED A COURT ORDERED JUDGMENT UNTIL THEY THREATENED TO REVOKE HIS LICENSE, I thought to myself: H, it sure does take a lot of "nerve and audacity" to call up your wife and tell her she needs to help you pay the mortgage which all of a sudden he feels so guilty about not paying, and is trying to project it on me.<P>I will read your post on D/D. In our recent conversation, I had the DISTINCT IMPRESSSION THAT HE WAS TALKING FOR AN AUDIENCE WHEN HE SAID: RECONCILIATION-NO WAY. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR MY BILLS, I NEED HELP. THE OP STILL IS ANNOYING ENOUGH TO HIM YET. <P>I am trying to avoid love busting. I am lying low after I sent Plan A letter. I know that even though all this horrible mess is taking place wiht the house, if I confront him, he will be extremely defensive and combative. I will avoid that and show him he will not get a "RISE" out of ME.<P>So hard to grit my teeth; they are so worn down!!!!!!!!!<P>I am seriously considering filing bankruptcy and moving me and our chilren to a small rental house I can manage financially. <P>If my H does decide that he still wants to have me as his wife, it could be because I decided to build my own "ark" without him--and not wait for him to come back and save this sinking ship.<P>Keeping you in my prayers and hoping your situation improves also. Thanks for all the posts. They do help me.<P>Talk later. elo

Elo, and maybe Orchid too..<BR>I would recommend that you see a lawyer..and preferably a divorce lawyer...not that I'm advocating divorce, but you do need to know your legal rights and you need to protect yourself and your kids. This was the big mistake I made in my first marriage/divorce...I always thought he would somehow snap out of it and it never happened. The divorce happened, I was left with 3 kids in a studio apartment, and barely making ends meet. Worked 2 jobs, took in ironing on the side, while he started a new life. Found out later that he had hid money and had no problems at all. Rarely saw his kids. If I had been smarter I would have at least gotten a legal separation for a year before divorce. Please listen to me for I know about this. Now, here I am, 15 years later having to declare bankrupcy for all the bills. Long drawn out story...but trust me..at least talk to an attorney...let him know you don't know if it will end in divorce, but need to protect your family rights!<BR>T

Hi Twyla, <BR>Thanks for your reply.<P>I have seen an attorney about my rights. In Louisiana, there is no legal separation. <P>My H has filed and stopped d. 2x. At present time, there is no d. action and I will not file. It will be his to do since he left us. <P>Affair one year old. He is still in deep, dense fog, and blaming me for EVERYTHING.<P>I just let it roll off of me now. At first, it really upset me. <P>I filed for child support without having to file for a d. <BR>He defied judgment for 6 months and then, they finally told him if he didn't furnish employer for garnishment, he would lose driver's license. I have now received 3 checks.<P>We are eight months behind on primary mortgage, and 4 months behind on second mortgage( needed to pay his gambling debts-now he wants me to absorb $400 2nd mort><P>Told H right form beginning of when he left that I would not stay in house without him and I could not afford $1000 mortgages.<P>He told mortgage company he would send $5000 to bring mortgage current but no money yet. Whether it comes or not, it is too big a hole in the dyke to plug up. The Titantic is about at the bottom of the ocean. I am grabbing a life saver and taking (our) my 3 children to a smaller ship with less emotional baggage and less expensive;<BR>what I can afford on my salary and child support--if I keep getting the money.<P>Then, if he wants to disssolve our marriage, he will see our children on a limited basis. Even more limited, becasuse he has two DWi arrests since he left.<P>Met op in a bar; she had two DWI convictions in Tx, and came here and "hooked" onto H in a bar. They were in an accident together-his truck-drunk, she on drugs-she filed a bodily injury lawsuit on our auto ins. and she got $25,000 and the were off....<P>She hasn;t let go yet. When will she begin to ANNOY him?<BR>That might be the beginning of the death of the affair.<BR>I even try not to hold onto to that possibility too much and, if one can prepare for the worst, then I try.<P>I'll write more later. Keep in touch. elo

I haven't been in exactly your situation, but I was negatively financially impacted by giving my husband so much time and being so nice to him. Now, almost three years later as I approach divorce, I have to give him half the equity in our house, which has appreciated significantly since the separation, while I alone paid the mortgage, property taxes, association, repairs, etc. The jerk wants me to pay him spousal support and actually proposed paying $6 in child support per month to me, this after not seeing our newborn (now toddler) for the first two years of her life. Learn from me.<P>First major point. Your husband already knows what he's doing. He's lying to everyone about paying them. This is a conscious act. He is not lacking awareness, he is doing this BY CHOICE (or addiction, if you want to be more charitable than I feel like being). Talking to him is not likely to product a change, since he already knows what he's doing and doesn't care to change it. You seem to be investing alot of emotional energy figuring out the best way to communicate with him. I don't think it matters - he already knows the problem and is highly unlikely to do anything differently based on your request. My reaction to reading this is you may still be thinking you can control/influence him. I doubt that you can.<P>I remember three weeks into our separation, my son broke his collarbone in a schoolyard accident. I was running around with a newborn, in a brand new house in a new neighborhood, trying to help my son, and I was frankly a mess. My husband came by that night, helped my son take a bath, ate the dinner I cooked for us, and then left. I was such a mess that I was shaking and dropped two plates while getting dinner ready. A startling thought crossed my mind as he left that night, not even drawn back by our son's pain and my own apparent ineptitude at that time. I remember thinking - "Thank God I didn't have twins, or I'd be dealing with that alone too". Translation - THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO, NOTHING SO BAD ABOUT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE OR WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, THAT COULD GET YOUR HUSBAND TO CHANGE HIS MIND. The reason - because it's not about you - it's about him and the OW. As hard as it is to hear and to write,it doesn't matter to him what happens to you or the children right now. He may not be that way forever, but it is what you're dealing with right now, and it's best not to deny it.<P>Second major point. In the priority of needs to meet, taking care of one's shelter and putting food on the table for one's children, is a higher need than the marriage. Fend for them first. That probably means taking aggressive legal action NOW, lovebusters be ******.<P>Unfortunately, affairs take a while to burn out (I'm now watching my husband's go into the fourth year). There's no dealing with them when they're this irrational. Are you prepared to go on like this for many months, or years longer? I doubt anyone could, no matter how strong.<P>I am sure you have legal options, even if you don't choose divorce. It sounds like you got a child support order filed and garnished wages. You can probably get temporary spousal support. If I were you, I'd take a hard look at whether keeping that house is really in your best interest right now. It might be less stressful if you gave it up and rented something more affordable, just to get this issue behind you.<P>Third major point. You have to take care of yourself to get through this for the long-haul. These kinds of problems are hugely stressful. They take alot out of you. I've had pneumonia two times since separating 2 1/2 years ago, I've had major sleeping problems, weight fluctuations, alternating withdrawal and excessive attachment with friends and family, inconsistent work performance, and all sorts of emotional volatility. You can't be a good parent under these kinds of circumstances. So my advice is to try and look outside the immediacy of the situation for a while. Spend a day or two thinking about what you would do with your life if you knew your husband wouldn't be coming back for at least year or two. Then get your life in order so you can sleep at night.<P>It's not a pretty picture, but I think the required actions are clear. Focus on protection first. Ultimately, you have no control over whether he chooses to come back. All you can do is give him time and opportunity. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. <P>If it were me, I'd re-evaluate Plan A under these circumstances. Plan B would be alot less stressful when dealing with someone this bad, in my opinion. I doubt I could do Plan A well, and a bad Plan A is less than worthless.

I agree with Distressed. One of my biggest regrets about this situation is that I did not do a better job of protecting myself and the kids financially early on.<P>Distressed wrote,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>it doesn't matter to him what happens to you or the children right now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I did not believe that this could possibly be true when my H first left - and I don't think it was, for the first few weeks. It didn't take long, however, until it no longer mattered to him - or at least it no longer mattered when he was not physically with the kids. He doesn't inquire after the little one's health when they are sick; he acts most of the time like our two oldest don't exist. <P>I really didn't believe he was capable of treating the kids as badly as he does, or having as little concern for their financial welfare. <P>I am not sure that I agree that you should leave your house and find someplace to rent. I have discovered that finding a place to rent as a single parent with little money is well-nigh impossible. I would expect that it might be even harder if lack of child support has destroyed your credit. Then there is the issue that if you are renting, the landlord can make you move at the end of the lease if they want to sell the house or whatever, and you could end up having to move every year.