Allright, please help me out here. Today is my daughters birthday. I had a mini party this past weekend, because today my wife has my daughter. I'm going to an afternoon play centre because my wife is meeting our babysitter there with the kids. So that is fine. She invited me to her house tonight for cake. I said "who is going", she said "everyone". After beating around the bush, I said "is OM going?". She said "yes, but that shouldn't matter, we are all adults, and I don't understand why that would bother you". She continues to pretend that nothing ever happend. I stated a few times that I am aware of their relationship and I will not be part of any social situation that he is part of. She then told me that the kids like him and want him there. She asked why I have a problem with him, and no one else does. This was infuriating me. I said something about everything that transpired between May and now. She said she didn't know him in May. She has also told her mother she met him in August. I have emails and cell phone bills that show communication May 8 onward. She met him in April.<P>Can you believe she wants me to go there with him there. And she said "he has no problem with you". I wonder what lies he has been told since May.<P>She is a master at spinning stories and making things up to suit her. Today's conversation takes the cake. Unbelievable. She really thinks life will go on and she will successfully play this one out to her liking. What the status is with them, I don't know. She said something to the effect that she had or might go out on other dates, "does that mean you won't ever associate with them either...what happens if I get married in 5 years?"<P>I can't even think that far yet, and certainly the A with OM (which didn't happen of course) is a totally different scenario than if she met someone new in 3 years (I think). By that time I build a wall anyway. She pretends to not get any of this, and flatly refuses to acknowledge anything about OM and affair. She mentions something like "aren't you being childish...why can't we all get along for the kids". In the words of my friend Dave....<P>AArrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh<P>I think it is time to talk to Steve. I don't even know if I have any interest in reconciling with this mind boggling person. Only reason now would be for the kids. The lying and deception are too much.<P>I know I'm going to get the Plan B push, and maybe that is it. What else do I do?<P>I can't Plan B till I get the house in my name, because I fear that she will turn nasty at my first sign of taking some control. I'm in the process now of doing this (if the bank goes for it...touchy financial situation).<P>She will try and turn my into the bad guy that is not thinking of the kids...when we all know who isn't thinking of them. I am just out of words to describe this bizarre person. Telling me I have the timeline wrong. What a bi*&%. I'm sorry. Can't help it.<P>I think one thing I might have to do is stir things up by revealing my sources of information. I'll run that by Steve probably, because he recommended I not do it before. Right now I'm totally fed up with her. The funny thing is I'll go on with my day and function fine, so I'm not really all messed up, just perplexed and frustrated with this "pretend" game.<P>Any thoughts appreciated. Had to vent anyway...so that feels better.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited March 28, 2001).]

Sheeesh, Rick, this <B>is</B> a good one... I wish I had words of wisdom, but there is not much wisdom in the WS world...<P>Yeah, you are right, you <B>will</B> get the Plan B push, and let me be the first in line . As Harley told me, if you can't do a good Plan A, you should go to Plan B. I get the feeling that your frustration is showing more and more to your W (understandably, given her idiotic and selfish comments). The longer this goes on, the more your Plan A efforts become forgotten.<P>I understand that you have some issues that apparently are keeping you from going to Plan B right away. I don't know what to say in that regard. I guess if you can't do a Plan B right now, you need to "suck it up" and maintain a good Plan A, without LB's.<P>I don't think I'm being very helpful here, but you really are in a bind. Actually, you are in a similar boat to me, since I find the interactions between my W and myself becoming more and more difficult for me (while she actually seems to really enjoy them). I feel like I'm allowing her to slowly and comfortably drift into the divorced life, while supporting her the whole time. So I am planning to cut this "lifeline" by going to the Plan B (thank you for your comments on my letter, BTW).<P>This is all so very frustrating....<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited March 28, 2001).]

Rick, I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss (as you are) to understand how your W could even suggest that you be in the same room with OM. Talk about adding insult to injury.<P>What does she hope to gain by this? And how is it that she thinks it's a good idea for your children to be in his company? What your W is doing is beyond insensitive and inconsiderate . . . it's downright cruel.<P>I'd definitely talk to Steve on this one. {{{{Hugs}}}}}<BR>

Thanks for the comments so far. I am actually not doing a bad Plan A, I believe, and am not LBing much. I've let go a bit, and can actually throw out the odd joke now, which for awhile I just couldn't do with her. So it is a strange state. I don't consider what I did today a real LB...kind of I guess, but they can take whatever they want as an LB.<P>The issues are just that I need cooperation from her to get the house in my name, and she wants that right now, because her mortgage company required her to sign an affidavit..whatever you call it...that she would be off our house. So that is good. Now I've applied for the change in financing. After that takes place, I'll be in a better position to take some control. Alternatively, I can just do it and hope for the best....even if she got nasty, yeah I'd have to sell the house, but at least things would not be on such a hold pattern. Good and bad points.<P>Susie - she thinks it is a good idea, because I believe they are "friends" on the outside, probably pleasuring each other in private, but she maintains the illusion that he is just a very good friend, so as part of the illusion, it is OK for him to be around the kids. She is a real piece of work right now.<P>

Why not invite his parents as well? Or let her <B>think</B> you will, if he's there.<P>Edited to say I realy don't think you should do this, but thought it might bring a smile to your face... <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited March 28, 2001).]

Wow, wow, wow! Give me a minute, my head is spinning! She wants you to do what? Come to your daughter's party with f***buddy there? How about if me and a few of the MB guys come with you? While we're working on him, maybe SKM and a few of the gals can do a brain transplant on your wife. <P>Seriously, I think the best choice is to not go. But the downside to this is that it makes you look like the guy she's probably described to her friends - worthy of being dumped. <P>Now, think about this. If you decide you have to go for your daughter's sake (any other family members going to be there?), go and act like the good husband in front of all her friends and OM. Will she let you get close? Depending on what lies she's told to him, this could contradict them. Make sure you take a camera just in case she nuzzles up to FB.<P>If it didn't have the potential to have an adverse impact on your kids, maybe now would be a good time to lay some evidence on her.<P>This just blows my mind. If it were me, I couldn't stand the thought of this guy even being around my kids and I might go just to make sure he understands that. It may take a confrontation - but this would be a huge LB - but I'd still do it. <P>I know I'm rambling, but this is tough. Maybe the best all around solution is to avoid the situation. Clearly tell her that you will not come because of his presence. Then I think you need to immediately back this up with your evidence. Otherwise, a confrontation seems unavoidable. Unless you're really confident of knowing how to handle that and that you'll gain from it, don't take it on.<P>Let me think about this some more. Hope you get some other ideas.<P>Dave

Rick - it's clear to me that she considers what she's doing as entirely reasonable - she split with you, got her own house, and then met OM. In fact, she probably thinks she's doing you a big favor by inviting you over so you can feel like part of the family even though she dumped you. OM came along "later" and people get new partners all the time after leaving the old one, so what's your problem?<P>I think you really ought to lay the evidence on her. The problem is, then what? What if it bounces off her? Then I guess you Plan B.<P>Dave

Dear Rick37,<P>Let's think this out a bit. WS wants to have the party with OM around. That is her choice (a bad one but hers none the less). <P>Working with that brainless option, hmm.... how about going for your daughter's sake, hold your head up (you are the rightful parent, he is just the tag a long), put your family and support group around you (this may mean prearranged discussion with trusted family and friends) and go as a 'group'. Make this party a group effort. Hard to fight a group or make a scene with the whole group. Why the party could be moved to another location if your daughter is not happy. Don't want to have to do that right Wife?<P>You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't go only if you feel you are not strong enough to see them together. I know this is hard but you are the better person here. Show it if you can.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Got to agree with Orchid...Actually I like her idea a lot. Bring your people and celebrate the birth of your daughter. And have fun with HER. Tell the story of her birth. I guarantee that the OM is going to be a hell of a lot more uncomfortable with your posse there than you will be. Good Luck<BR>T

And PS..If he tries to get you alone for the "let bygones be bygones" speech, just smile and say "you're not getting that much of a prize"!<BR>Probably shouldn't do that, but I let myself dream on your behalf. tee-hee<BR>T

I have no real advice about B-Day party, someday I will probably have to deal with that.<P>My WS got rid of OW in early Feb and has already replaced and living with OW#2 and since #2 came after he decided he wanted a divorce, I was to "accept " his relationship. "What, are you going to hate everyone I'm with" DUH<P>I'm not sure if I am plan A or B either, If you do talk to steve I would be interested in what he has to say.<P>tonight we sit to tell the kids Daddy is gone and doesnt want to be married to mommy any more and he lives with OW#2.<P>Can';t wait.<P>Hopelessmom

HOLY SH*@ RICK!!!!<P>When did you marry my wife!!!!! This is too wierd!! We had a B-day part for my Daughter a couple of weeks ago if you remember my post. Some of our friends that know the "real" truth(not her version)were there and she was VERY uncomfortable. Actually the party was for kids from 1-3 and then family and friends came at 3:30. She caused a scene and got so mad at her sister, that she took the kids (her weekend)and left! A great way for my daughter to remember her birthday. She then blamed it on my D and said that it was her that wanted to leave.<P>My biggest fear and biggest nightmare af all this mess will be when she starts bringing boytoy around the kids. I don't think that it has happened yet. For your wife to invite her"friend" to the party is outrageous. It's even more bizarre that she thinks that you would be OK with it and want to go hang out with them. The day I meet boytoy...will probably be the day that I either lose it all together and tell him exacty how I feel or I will say nothing except that you two inconsiderate losers deserve each other and I am so glad that you have found one another. Right now it would not be a good idea for me to even be in the same building as him. <P>I am at the point..to be honest with you that I don't really give a rats as* if I LB her or not. She needs to see that you can't treat people the way those two have and feel like everything will come out all rosy. It destoys families, and everything that people work so hard to build. Sitting in that courtroom on Monday really put things in perspective. I'm sure that boytoy was there when she got home to comfort her and tell her that she was doing the right thing!<P>Do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your kids...because in the big picture that's who will ultimately benefit. Plan B???? I would consider that. I would definately lay out the evidence...that's the only way I ever got any resemblance of the truth out of my W. SHe had no choice when I gave her details!<P>Good luck Rick...I can truly say that I know where YOU are at...because I am living it too!!!<P>Mike

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Thanks for the additional replies. I just got back from our afternoon play at one of those play centres, so I better get some work done. She was in a bit of a mood because of this mornings chat, but I was talkative and having fun with all the kids, playing on the structures. The heck with her.<P>I guess I should clarify that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I am entertaining the idea of going to her place. Even her suggestion that she'll tell him to come at 7 or whatever, so I can come at 6 and leave before 7, isn't working for me. Then she'll tell him, everyone will ask where he is, she'll tell them, and I'll be the bad guy. Better that I'm not there. Anyway, we had a little party at my place on the weekend, and now I went to the play party today, so that is fine. This evening is not about my daughter, and not about family, it is about her and her friends. Why are a bunch of adults and NO children coming to the party??? What kind of kids party is that????? I'll answer....it isn't one. It is a complete farce, and I'm not being part of it.<P>She'll have to accept that this scenario was her choice, not mine, and things will not always be how she wants them. I'm sure all the friends think we mutually split, so of course it would seem fine that I was there. Well, it wasn't mutual.<P>Anyway, I sound rather harsh right now, but nevertheless, I was completely normal this afternoon. I just have an opinion on this and that is it. Her mother invited herself over, and I spoke with my wife at 8:30 this morning. When I asked her what was happening tonight, she just said "I'm having friends over". NO mention of me coming. She left a message later saying I could come over. So her mom didn't get an invite and had to invite herself, and I got a sympathy one and now am being labelled the bad guy because I'm not going. What kind of party is it when the two most important people in her life (other than her mom and brother) were afterthoughts?????<P>What this is about for me now is what happens when I get the house in my name (cross my fingers on that one). I have some decisions to make.<P>Thanks again everyone for your continued support and help. You all know how important it is to be able to come here.

Wow Rick, your wife sure is in some dense fog! Unbelieveable that she would even think that it was OK for her to suggest the whole scenario.<P>You did the right thing and made the right decision, IMHO. It could be a pretty bad scene with both of you there. And you're also right about the party not being about your daughter at all. <P>I truly think you are doing great! I hope that you come to the decisions that you need to make and feel peace about them once you have made them. Then you will know that you are doing the right thing....<P>Take Care!

Rick <BR>You are right, she is trying to justify what she is doing by making om "acceptable."<P>My x tried to take om to her family to pick up our son a few weeks after we separated. My MIL didn't know what to do, and FIL said om was not welcome in his house. X, ended up going alone.<P>You know she will also start bringing him around the the d and sounds as if she has already. Prepare yourself for that.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

Rick,<P>Sounds as if your W just wanted to have a party & used your D's bday as an excuse. <P>My H missed our YS actually bday, he was in the states on business & had to stay the whole weekend before coming back, oh but I really was going on to Saudi but changed my mind & decided to come back, too bad it was 2 days after YS's bday. He was there for the kid party & a very big help. <P>I think you need to get the evidence out in the open. As she is no longer living with you, can you still get into her email? I wish I could still get into my H's then I might know the game plan. My H refused to admit there was someone else till I told him I knew then he tried to deny how long it had been going on till I gave him a timeline. Think if I hadn't confronted him, he still be denying the whole A, I mean all of our problems are my fault (to be fair he has admitted to some fault but he is still angry with me).<P>Rick, talk to Steve. It sounds as if Plan B time is coming.<P>Remember you are a good man; your kids are lucky to have you. Good luck with the house issues.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited March 29, 2001).]

Hey Rick,<P>About 1 month into my H affair he had the nerve to ask me if I would mind if he and OW came to a little club that we hungout at. On a particular night there is about 40-50 people there that we know. I told him that I felt he was very disrespectful to my feelings, not to mention his own. These people would have made him the laughing stock and not to mention OW would not have been accepted.<P>It blows me away the things they do and say. Your wife obviously does not have a concept of reality. Personally I believe this would be very distructive to her, does she really think having here husband and OM in the same house is going to be constructive? If anything I would think she would have more respect for the child involved.<P>I am baffled at her request. Good luck and I think you are making the right decision to not partake in this Fantasy of hers. It is more like she wants your acceptance of her situation. Don't do it. I am affraid it will lead to her playing more games at your expense.<P>Take care<BR>Diana