Did any of you, before the A happened, think about what it would do to your spouse if they found out? Did you think about it and go ahead anyway? Did any of you not think about it and had an A? <P>Even for the BS, did any of you think about having an A, and stop that thought once you realized what it might do to your spouse?<P>I'm not thinking of having an A-let's make that clear. I'm just curious whether the WS even thinks about the BS before they decide to have an A.

I know I thought about the BS. I also thought about my children, parents, sibling and friends. The thing is, whether it's a fog, real love or whatever there is a time when you don't really care what anybody thinks. You know what you want and everything around you is second. Yuck....that sounds terrible! For me in the beginning of my affair I worried about others and the BS, during the first part of the affair I was like I stated above and towards the end I put "me" on the back burner and started thinking, caring and worried about all of the others involved. Too bad the inbetween has to happen because it's hard, if not impossible, to fix what that stage did to all involved.

Hi,<P> Yes, My H took it all into consideration, and decided to go for it anyway. <P>------------------<BR>Deb

I'm ashamed to say that, in the beginning, I never gave it a thought. My H and I were having serious problems at the time, and I resented him so much that it didn't matter.<P>Then, as the A progressed, I had a few fleeting moments of sanity and wondered what in hell I thought I was doing. However, I was so in the fog that nothing mattered but my own selfish needs, even though I knew deep down that it was wrong. It certainly wasn't the solution to my marital problems.<P>I had no clue how seriously it would affect my H until he found out. In that one terrible moment I realized how it felt to totally devastate someone . . . someone with whom I took vows and promised to love forever.<P>I can't take back what I've done, but I'm making damned sure that I make it up to my H for all the pain I've caused him. I hope, with a lot of work, that I can become an honest person again and be the good wife I once was.

Why don't I get it? You see, before my H had the A, I considered having an A. I remember thinking, "What would he do/feel/say if/when he ever found out?" And I was struck with the most incredible guilt and pain imaginable just THINKING about it. I remember saying to myself that I would never be the cause for that amount of pain to my H. I couldn't live with myself.<P>And trust me, my love bank was beyond empty, none of my needs were being met-even when I specifically asked. If anyone was "ripe" for an A it would've been me. So why didn't I have one and my H did?<P>I just don't get it.

I didn't really think about what my H would do if he found out, because I did not really acknowledge that my relationship with OM was an EA. I thought we were just friends. Call it fog or whatever, I truly didn't believe, or didn't want to believe, that the intense emotional attachment I had with another man was an affair. There was a lot of denial on my part. I didn't really acknowledge the A until it was discovered, and then I knew how much damage I had done. Looking back it is hard to believe I was that stupid. I don't feel like I ever "decided to have an affair." There is no question that I in fact, did have an A. I just wasn't in a frame of mind where I clearly made a choice one day to have an A. My relationship with OM developed slowly over time until it was inappropriate by any one's standards. It doesn't sound logical, but I don't remember ever consciously making a choice to do this in spite of my H.<p>[This message has been edited by Clouds (edited March 28, 2001).]