What do you all think are the first indications of an innapropriate relationship beginning? Where do you draw the line? What is an innapropriate relationship?

...at the first lie or act of deception.<P>WAT

I'd say the first sign of in inappropriate relationship is secrecy. If part or all of a relationship is hidden from a spouse, it's probably time to put up the red flags. I don't think it takes elevated thinking to know that WSs hide the things they know are wrong. Ultimately, I guess an inapppropriate relationship is probably whatever your spouse defines it as.

I agree - secrecy and deception. I read a post where someone said it is any behavior that you would not do if your spouse was standing next to you. Also, pretty much anything that gives you that giddy, lightheaded feeling with someone of the opposite gender.

Ah... the secrecy IS important... but sometimes the spouse knows about the "friendship"... no, I'd say it's the (get ready to barf) feeling that this person understands you as NOBODY else does...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

When one is investing emotional energy in another that should be invested in spouse.

grandpabri-<BR>OK, in a perfect world, but this doesn't work if your spouse doesn't WANT the emotional energy the OP is accepting.....

yeah, and you wouldn't really realize that energy is being expended, would you? I mean if you're LOOKING for signs in your spouse, that's one thing... if you're looking for signs in YOURSELF, that's quite another.<P><BR>So, <B>today</B>... which are you looking for?

OK. Here's the story: I think my H is in an inappropriate "friendship" but he doesn't see it that way. For him to cultivate a friendship that makes me uncomfortable after 21 months of recovery from a 4 1/2 year affair (with a woman who also started out as an admiring friend) is extremely disconcerting to me. Bet most here would think that at least relatively understandable. Note: he says that he is committed to doing anything needed to make our marriage mutually satisfying.<P>I think that he would agree that I accept all the attention he gives me. He has an extremely demanding job and has little time and energy for our relationship. I understand this and can accept it but wish that given all the above average strain he would see the wisdom of giving my need for safety a higher priority than he is giving this friendship.<p>[This message has been edited by today (edited March 29, 2001).]

Cultivating an "inappropriate friendship" is expending emotional energy that should be directed at you.

I think there are many things that can be construed as inappropriate. Talking about sex lives to members of the opposite sex, talking about your wife/husband to a member of the opposite sex-marital problems, etc. Using terms of endearment with members of the opposite sex. If it is a relationship that is hurting your spouse in anyway it is inappropriate--no friend's feelings should be more important than your spouses. They should not defend their friend to you--they wouldn't have to defend their friend if it makes you uncomfortabe, and therefore if they are defending they are taking their friends feelings ahead of yours.<BR>I don't think it is appropriate for a member of the opposite sex (friend) to touch someone's spouse--hugs, massages, --seems it is very easy to lead into a unexpected kiss or more....it just happens...<BR>Secrecy is definitely inappropriate, but I believe secrecy is the first stage of the emotional affair...they want it and want to make sure it won't be taken away from them...It is the things that lead up to the secrecy that are inappropriate...And yes,,,I am adament that you can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex. There is a nice phrase "that is what friends do." You are not a friend to anyone if you are disrespecting your friend's spouse in any way. That is why after my H affair...he wrote no contact letters to friends...he realizes now how inappropriate his friendships were. And if you don't think these friends of his didn't think they were more important than me...you better believe they did...All those actions--ACTIONS-said it all.<p>[This message has been edited by crete (edited March 29, 2001).]

With my H it was definitely secrecy. He chose not to tell me that the OW was coming to him to whine about her oh so hard life. Waaaa. She wanted his "advice" because he was "older and knew so much about life". Then when she left his workplace he definitely didn't tell me that she kept calling him and asking him out on dates!

crete,<P>you said:<P>"Secrecy is definitely inappropriate, but I believe secrecy is the first stage of the emotional affair...they want it and want to make sure it won't be taken away from them..."<P>Ouch. My H has been trying to convince me that he didn't have an EA with her, but I keep coming back to the fact that I know he did, and that hurts. Your sentence above just reiterates that feeling. When I first saw some chat transcripts of theirs (before the A started), I was upset and told my H that I was envious of their talking, as he was not talking with me all that much, that I was threatened. I asked him how he would feel if I was talking to some guy that way and he mumbled "Not very good", so I asked him to stop it. I thought he did; instead he just turned off the chat transcript log so there was no trace of theri talks. <P>He told me later that he did this because at that time he felt that I was over-reacting and I had nothing to worry about and he turned off the log so I wouldn't be upset. I now know that he did this because as you said, he wanted it and he didn't want me to take her away from him.<P>What a guy

My "H"(WS) told me that he was listening to a talk radio show one day and the suject matter was infedelity. The "expert" said that, "Any interaction with the opposite sex that makes your mate feel uncomfortable is inapropriate and can lead to infedelity" I thought that this was very good advise.<P>my 2cents<P>d/2

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>