In an email to me, my Mom threw in this line. They know that this separation was all my wife's decision, and are not happy with her. I don't tell them much, and they don't know about the A. My mother was the first to tell me last June that she thinks my wife is "running around"...you know what she meant. She was right.<P>Here is what my mother said:<P>"Guess this is your quiet weekend! I just feel so badly about everything. I hate to even think about [wife], as it makes me so angry. She is a very self-centered, selfish, immature person. There I've said it and I'll say no more, and you are saying "Thank goodness for that"!!"<P>..... end of quote<P>I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I wish it wasn't like this because recovery would just be harder because of the baggage. Is this kind of comment usual for the parents of the BS?<P>What kind of a response should I issue. Nothing? Or my usual "you have to be prepared for any outcome, including us being back together, so I expect you to accept my decision".<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited March 31, 2001).]

I think that the statement your mom wrote is pretty common. It seems as if parents just cannot avoid offering their opinion, even if they know that you don't care to hear it. As for my mom, it has progressed to the point where I stopped telling her anything about H or the A because if she didn't make some comment about how foolish I was to stick around, she would roll her eyes or use some other nonverbal form of communication to indicate her disapproval.<P>As far as an appropriate response...I have told my mom that ultimately I will decide what is best for me and that may be getting back with H. My mom has told me that she has no choice but to accept my decision. Hopefully, your mother will do the same.<P>Dolphin<p>[This message has been edited by dolphin (edited March 31, 2001).]

I think it is a pretty normal reaction. The thing to remind your parents of is that you are an adult and that you expect their wholehearted support of the decisions you make regarding your marriage. <P>This is the very reason that my husband and I never have told our families of his affair. We never separated and have successfully restored our relationship. I didn't want the affair to ruin the good relationship they had with my husband. I realize this isn't an option since you are separated, but I would encourage you to keep any details to yourself to keep any more damage from being done.<P>I believe a response like you listed is appropriate. Your life is your own and your parents must respect that.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

She did say that she wouldnt say anything else about it. That's good. When your wife is ready to come home, just let your mother know and tell her that you really need her support in making the transition smooth for you and the kids. Most mothers couldn't deny a son that.<P>cleo

Rick - that was mild compared to what my side of the family said. But I needed the support and told everything. I also told them I would try to recover our family and despite their disapproval of my wife, they support this. Of course, all consider her behavior is due to the loss of our son, so everyone is more apt to give her another chance.<P>I think your response depends on the closeness of your relationship with your parents. I've had long talks with my Dad and close supporters - including HER parents and sisters. One size does not fit all. I recommend complete honesty.<P>Dave

Rick,<P>As you know, my parents said virtually the same thing just a couple of days ago.<P>I think it's completely normal; why should the feel any different when they know that it was your W who decided to have an affair, to leave the house, and to break up their son's and their grandchildren's family?<P>I am sure that if you ever move towards a real reconciliation, your parents will be doing jumping jacks from joy, so I wouldn't worry about it. Your immediate problem is, of course, your W... .<P>Hang in there.<P>AGG (your buddy on the "other side", i.e. Plan B)

Rick:<P>Your parents love you… plain and simple. They <B>hate</B> seeing you hurt. The person who is currently hurting you is your W, so of course she will bear the brunt of their anger.<P>They love you so much that, should your wildest dreams come true and reconciliation occurs, they will support this, and welcome their daughter-in-law back with open arms.<P>Well… open to you and her, anyway. My OW's H had an affair before ours, and her parents said, when she reconciled, that they would support her decision wholeheartedly. Of course, her father said that although he would be allowed in their house again, he would never be "welcome," if you catch the difference. They may never truly forgive her should you reconcile, but they will support your decision, for the simple reason that they love you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Hi Rick,<P>I agree that the comments your mom made are pretty normal. It also seems to me that when the wife is the betrayer it makes it much more difficult for the parents of the BS. <P>Here's a personal example. My husband had an affair, yet my mom (my father is dead) encouraged me to forgive him and keep our marriage together. She lectured him, but she forgave him. On the other hand, when my brother's wife was unfaithful, my mom was totally furious and just wanted her out of the family. It seems like a double standard to me, but I have known of other families with similar reactions.<P>I agree with the advice you have been given. Your mom loves you and wants you to be safe and happy. If you and your wife are able to reconcile, it will take time for your mom to believe that your wife is trustworthy and won't hurt you again. But then, it will take the same for you too.<P>Try putting yourself in your mom's place. Imagine one of your children betrayed this way and try to guess how you would react. I honestly don't know what I would do, but I probably wouldn't be as restrained as your mother or mine!<P>Your parent's feelings are just another obstacle to be overcome if you are able to recover your marriage. In other words, item number 1001 on that long list of problems! I wish there was a way to make this all easier. If I knew how to do that, I would gladly share it!<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited March 31, 2001).]

I also agree that what your mom says is normal. I told everyone. My mom and sisters, and two of his sisters and parents. My sisters are so supportive of me that without them, I would have gone insane. They support me either way. My mom is upset with him, but mostly, because of the way he is treating our children. He "thinks" he is being a good Dad. My mom said , you two are adults,. I also told my mom that I wanted to work it out and I still have hope and I don't want her to be mean to my husband. (Can you believe I don't want him to be hurt) I don't want him driven away from me because of other people.<P>I have read your posts Rick and you seem to be in similar situation as me. Are you legally seperated? I know that you have been in Plan A and sometimes have a great deal of difficulty with it. I am now faced with the situation of Plan A with my husband now living with the other woman. However, the OW is not the origianl OW. She is the second woman in about 1 year. <P>He just asked if the kids could come over for dinner sun night, if I didn't have plans. I said they have plans. he wanted to know what the plans were, I said I don't have to explain anything to you. He said youre not being fair. I said Life isn't fair H. and I hung Up. I know this isn't plan A, but how do you Plan A and let him corrupt the kids with his 2nd mistress. <P>I just don't know what to do anymore. I look at pictures of H and I, and I say, where did you go? <P>ANy thoughts of wisdom would be appreciated and how you do Plan A without LB.<P>Hopelessmom <P>

Rick,<P>Your mother loves you! I don't think there is a stronger type of unconditional love than that of a parent. Therefore, I think her statement is not only normal, I would be really surprised if she didn't feel that way. How would you feel if your mother thought what your W was doing was just fine! Her description of your wife at this point of time is very accurate -- she is being selfish and immature.<P>I have told my sisters and mother many of the details about H because I was pretty certain they could accept him back if it came to that. I was right. Each time he came back, they welcomed him and made him feel comfortable. I have made clear to them from the start that H's actions are not who he is as a person, they know this too. I have also told them some of the strategies that I have been using and about plan A/B so they can be supportive of me, although they can't help telling me a lot that I'm being to nice. I take that as as an affirmation that I am doing a good plan A. <P>If you feel like you get enough support without your parents knowing more details, more power to you. I wouldn't worry about your Mom being able to accept W if she comes back. I'm sure your mom will do what she sees makes you happy. You might want to drop her a hint about separating the "sin from the sinner" to make sure she is thinking along those lines.

yes, think it is. What parents can stand seeing their child hurt, & what is more hurtful than this?<P>My parents haven't seen my H in 2 yrs but they still send him bday gifts, Chirstmas, etc. If we ever work it out, nothing will ever be said,(my mom has not shared any of my problems with her family, friends, no one but a close family friend who is a judge for legal advice) if we don't they will be behind me 100%. They just want me & the boys to be happy.<P>Now I am not sure if my H will ever be able to face them. He hasn't been able to face to many people that he knows would not or have not approved of his actions.

Thanks for the thoughts. Guess most situations are very similar. I can kind of ignore what my parents are thinking about this because they live far enough away, and I just don't talk about it much with them. I told them at the start, and have given just a few updates, but no details. Nothing about the A. I'm sure they know anyway.<P>It just makes one more thing to worry about should reconciliation ever happen. I don't know how my wife would face them....she stopped talking to them even before the A and separation request. Her mind was changing back then. She has said nasty things about my sister, and I think my parents heard this stuff through the grapevine. That doesn't help matters. There is no easy way out, that is for sure.

Hi Rick37:<P>I'm pretty new to MB, but have gotten so much support and learned so much from all of you and I just wanted to say "thank you" as well as respond to your questions about the response of parents. My father is in heaven, but would be totally furious about what my H(WS) has done to me and the children; however, he would support whatever decision i made as far as the marriage is concerned. I have told my mom about the A, but not a lot of the details because I feel this would just hurt her and upset her more because noone wants to see their children.......even when they're adutls......you're always a parent......no matter what. And that is the cool thing about my mom. Even though she is mad as H*** at my H for what has happened, she has told me that if I choose to stay in the marriage and work on the relationship and we can eventually reconcile, she will support that decision. She has also said she will support a separation/divorce and help me with the children in any way possible. She would probably have to move as she is a good distance away and I have a demanding job as well as 2 young children who need a lot of attention. Know this is different from the other responses, but just wanted you to know that some parents are supportive without giving lots of advice and opinions........and I am so grateful. Best of luck with your situation.<P>lonelyheart