I posted a couple of other times lately. I debated today on whether to post but finally decided to since I feel I have nobody I can talk to about this problem. <P>In my previous posts I explained that my ex-H and I have moved back in together to work on us. Well, to make I long story short "he doesn't have the "in love feelings" for me. <P>Well, for I couple of days I have suspected I might be pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and sure enough, I am. I am one of these people that is never late, exactly 28 days, etc....<P>Anyway, of course my ex is as frustrated as I am. I tried to talk to him and apparetnly didn't do a very good job. He says all I do is blame him. My intentions were not to blame but to make him understand that it would be much simplier if we could come to an agreement on us for sure. <P>I feel like a teenager who has gotten herself in trouble. Gosh, I'm almost 30 and suppose to have my s**t together. Last night we got in a terrible fight and he told me he didn't care what happened to me. God, that hurt so much.<P>We already have two kids and I don't know how I'll deal with a third alone. I say that because I really don't think he will stick around because he isn't "in love with me". I also suspect that he thinks I did this on purpose. Never, ever could I do that. I have been on the pill for medical reasons anyway. I am very careful to make sure I ALWAYS take them. <P>I have begged him just to be there and be a friend right now when I need one, but he just yells that it is all my fault that he can't be my friend. I'm impossible to talk to, blah, blah. This is the reason he left in the first place, blah, blah. Right now it is my turn to be a little selfish. At least that is the way I am feeling. Because in the long run I am the one that faces the ultimate consequences. He can walk out today and never turn back. I've been thinking about that a lot today. When I was pregnant with my first child, he left because we fought too much. I did the whole pregnancy alone. I'm so scared....because I don't want to do that again. Pregnancy is stressful enough without being alone. <P>Right now, I feel as if I'm the only one that has tried to put anything into this "new relationship." I have tried with all my heart to make him happy, bit my tongue so many times, put up with continued contact with ow, dealt with him never being home, made sure he always, had something to eat when he was working, and even took him food when he couldn't be home, ran errands when he asked, offered to do things when I knew he didn't have time. He has even had the nerve to tell me that I am so much smarter than the ow that he expects more out of me. In other words, I should deal with things, but she can cry on his shoulder when he life isn't perfect, the list goes on and on. God, this s**t is just killing me inside emotionally and otherwise. <P>I am by far from perfect and am by no means trying to say that I am, but I have tried so hard to be as perfect as possible with out exploding. He told me when we first started trying to work things out, that he needed someone who gave him lots of attention, knew they cared and loved for him, etc. In other words, I tried hard to accomplish this. In return, I have received very little time with him, lots of comments about how much he loved ow, asking me not to tell him I love him so much because I sound like a broken record, I am smothering him (isn't this what he wanted in the first place?), I agreed to have the child support reduced because he took a different job that paid less, and told him it was basically fine with me that he bought some "new" toys (motercycle, etc.)even though we didn't have the money. One of our main money problems other than normal bills was the amount of credit card expense that he an ow racked up. I even told him that it was a learning lesson and we would deal with the financial issues. What else could I have done to be a good person and try to be a good partner?<P>I have been told by several people that he is just using me, including one of his friends. But did I care? No, it was important for my kids to have a family and for me to try my best to work it out. And now, ultimately, I have no one except me and my innocent kids and an innocent unborn child. <P>Until last night I thought we might be able to deal with this, but now I believe it is "I" that will deal with this. He tells me that he will hurt too no matter what. But I will bear the greatest burdern of all no matter which way I deal with this pregnancy. <P>I am sorry for the rambling and vent, but the more tears that flow the more that it hurts. Just need to hear from some outsiders.

My Dear Tulip,<P>You are in quite a predicament. Many of your issues are what I have been through. Even the preg. scare came my way about 2 months ago, when H said he wanted to come home. <P>Though that issue did not mature for me, I understand what you are saying. Even down to the 'motorcycle'. H has always wanted a motorcycle and I was strongly against it. I had worked with a friend that knew someone whose head was severed and that story really impacted me. Despite those fears, I actually told H that if he came back (the right way) I would consider his getting a motorcycle when we could afford it. <P>Go figure, these men, rack up credit card bills for themselves or their OWs, get a lower paying job, move out raise their expenses and expect everything to work out? Are their calculators working? <P>That is where the real bottom line is coming down for me. You & I have our children, ourselves, our financial situation staring at us in our face, with little or no support. In addition to that the emotional, mental and physical toll of the A. is a large burden to deal with. <P>Question for your H: Can you put on paper how all this will work. H getting to do what he wants (write wants on paper) put a monetary value and due date (ex: your rent due 4/1/01,his rent due: 4/1/01 food due: 4/10/01, child support due: 4/15/01, etc.) and see if he can prove that he can have his cake, eat it to and still make it. <P>My WS keeps saying, "if I had a million dollars, I would give it to you." That's a nice thought, but you DON'T have a million dollars so I budget on that 'thought'. Let's work with reality here, mister. Anyway, that blew his bubble because he actually thought that if he promised a million dollars I would say....OK. in a ditsy sort of way and then make it work without having to actually give me anything. See how the fog worms in their thinking process?<P>I believe, if you H will sit down and crunch the numbers with you, it may be an eye opener for him. If he refuses to see it (like mine), then you need to start protecting yourself. <P>Please take care of yourself my dear, you need to expand your support group now. Put shame aside, this is needed for your protection and health. Don't carry too much. Think about you and your children. Let others help as much as they can. Eventually they will help you let your H know that he is failing and he needs to pick up on his responsibilities. <P>As far as his words to you, let them slide off your back. He doesn't really know what he is saying. He is frustrated and feeling very guilty. You may have to ride the emotional rollercoaster for different reasons now, so prepare yourself for his inconsiderate words. Prepare your reaction and try looking at him and say: "ok". Ok what? Just ok. Let him wonder. Making them think is stimulating for a foghead. <P><BR>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Dear Tulip, <P>It is me again. I wanted to send something to you to make you laugh so if you get a chance, go to the divorce site and look up a post: The bag of laundry and OW's H.<P>Laughter is good medicine. I think you may get a chuckle out of this one. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Dear Tulip, Yes you have a lot to deal with right now. Not good. People do get pregnant while on the pill-it is a small percentage but those numbers came from somewhere. (my first child was conceived while i was on the pill) <BR>Have you stopped taking the pill now? I would urge you to get this verified. You do have other options available to you my friend. While this development is not good, you are not backed into a corner. <BR>Your h is the lost one-you are just fine tulip. <BR>(((((((hugs)))))) cl<BR>

L.,<P>Thanks so much for your reply. It helps so much to know that someone understands! I loved your "The bag of laundry and the OW's husband." I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I'll vote with you that it was the ow. Boy, did I need a good laugh! I will definitely keep checking for any updates on the "mysterious poop" <P>Well, I would have been back to this site sooner, but ex and I had a big blow-up. He almost left. We finally got things under control and are probably going to talk on Monday when he is off work and has had some sleep. He did, however, express some concern over "my behavior". Such as he is trying to support us with 3 jobs and all I do is gripe at him about that. Well, I'm not trying to gripe but I would like to see him at least once a week or so. Guess I will have to work on that one. <P>Anyway, things are still kinda bleak, but at least I could smile (Actually, laugh). Thanks I REALLY needed that!<P>Tulip<P>CL,<P>Yes, I have stopped taking the pill and have a Dr's Appt. on the 9th (only one I could get). I did take 2 pregnancy tests just to be sure, but it is never definite until the doc says so. I am somewhat trying to sort through my options even though I'm kinda still in shock. Fortunately, I should have a little time to sort things out before a definate decision is made. <P>BTW, do you know what the stats are for getting pregnant while on the pill? I'm just curious, but I know it is suppose to be pretty slim. I am glad to know that I'm not the only one though. <P>Thanks for your last statement. I sure hope "I'm not the lost one too." Sometimes it is hard not to feel kinda lost.<P>Take care,<P>Tulip

Dear Tulip, <P>You will probably be my last reply for the night. My son is at my counsin's house and since I have the flu, it is kind of nice to just sit here with some quiet solitude. <P>Glad to bring a smile to your face. You know you aren't the only one who almost fell out their chair. Hope I don't get in trouble for anyone hurting themselves. <P>We all need a laugh now and again. You please take care of yourself. You know my H has been working 3 jobs also, except he has been spending like he needs to work 4. Mind you his bills are not including any of our family's expenses. I care for all our bills with my income. He went out to find himself and play and found that he can't pay. Just won't admit it. Now in order for me to pay his bills (CA is a community property state) and my household expenses, H will have to write a letter to our landlord giving H's family (us) a 30 day moving notice or H will have to move out of his rented room ($800.00 per month). Guess which H will decide on doing? Won't know till tomorrow at the earliest. Why because whether H likes it or not 4/1/01 comes anyway and this conflict avoider will no longer be able to avoid not paying his bills. See now he can't even spend money on OW (OW accused me of using my H as a money machine). I told you I could make you laugh. OW is such a funny lady!!! That's why she has earned the dubios title: Mrs. Pysco Babble. <P>If your H is working hard and you two are both putting effort to make it work, then that is progress. Times will be hard even for the best of marriages, don't give up on each other if you have made great strides. You have to remember your progress to appreciate your future. <P>L.