It has been awhile since I have posted in here. I do lurk and am always amazed at the great advice that comes from very caring people. You can check my profile and past posts for a more detailed backgroud. <P>The high level is that my wife has been in various stages of an EA/PA with a stay at home dad for probably over two years. We had been in various very very early stages of recovery off and on for 12 months or so. The OM is now divorced and is moving from the family home across the street from ours. My wife and I for the last couple of months have been doing fair in the sense that we are talking. There is still no sex, no real dating or affection. But there was some comminication beginning to happen.<P>Last year when my wife was deep in her affair I put together some Trusts for our kids educations (6 years and 4 years old). I also had to set up a will as part of this. Since we were not talking at the time about anything. I made some decsions that I knew could be changed (nothing with money only with guardians should we both die). She was the full beneficary of everything should I die.<P>Well when we had this conversation about the will last week about the will. She lost her mind and asked how I could make a decision like this without checking with her. She said No matter what is going on in the marriage you check with the other spouse on an issue like this. As I tried to explain to her, we were not talking and this was something that had to be done and could be changed at anytime should things get better between us.<P>In fact I told her she could now pick the guardians if she did not like who we had and I would change it (which I have done). I have been subjected to the how could you and I would never. As I have told her this was in the middle of her affair and we were not talking. I was looking to put the past behind us and move forward. But she has been unwilling to let this die and is as pissed as ever. I think I have begun to do that by changing the guardians in the will.<P>This has done nothing to make her happy. She is as cold and distant as ever. In fact the other night she said that this was probably something that she will never get over. Never mind she still talks to OM against my objections. Never mind the part she played in me having to make the decision to do this. I was trying to protect my kids future and none of that seems good enough.<P>Can someone help me understand this? My friends tell me she is just looking for reasons to move on and I tend to agree with them. She has only showen me slow signs of coming around and as I said is still talking to OM.<P>I have seen all the books on no contact so I know she should not be talking to him. Now that he is divorced I am sure he is putting the full court press on her. Thoughts?

Zip<P>What you did was correct. You must look after yourself and your children. I have done a similar thing. I mentioned it to my H while he was in the midst of his affair, his response at that time was this isnt even open for negotiation. I said no. I set up a life insurance trust and made my kids the beneficiary and then set up a llc and transfered stock in my family business into it (stock was my asset alone.) Regardless of your w agruments, the plain fact of the matter is that she has given you no reason to expect the situation to change with the OM except to worsen. Especially if he is moving across the street. It would seem to me that it is reasonable to protect the interest of your children and provide for their security because that is who is important at this time. If something happens to you, she should be glad that the kids are taken care of and let the OM take care of her. She has not given you the basic respect of no contact and is continuing to show her disrespect. I feel for you and I hope that I havent offended you.<P>

No you have not offended me in the least. Though there is one point that you may have missed. The OM is moving away from where we live now that his divorce is final. So he not be across the street. I tell you the biggest hurt through all of this with my wife is how she never gives an inch and always and I mean always turns things around to make me look bad. She is a classic WS.

No you have not offended me in the least. Though there is one point that you may have missed. The OM is moving away from where we live now that his divorce is final. So he not be across the street. I tell you the biggest hurt through all of this with my wife is how she never gives an inch and always and I mean always turns things around to make me look bad. She is a classic WS.

Zip,<P>I would guess she is still in withdrawal, or sort of since she still talks to the OM. Quite frankly I would not have changed a thing, until this whole mess is further down the road.<P>She is using this to massage her guilt, pure and simple. She knows what she is still doing is wrong and in classic WS form is transfering her guilt into anger at you. I know I know about plan A, but I sure want to suggest that you tell her to "stuff" it. But I won't because it won't help your long term goals. <P>Quite frankly I would tell her that until she is part of this family again, she really doesn't have much say in things of this sort as you were doing for the children and not her approval. She has seriously jeapordized the family unit and cannot be trusted to make these important decisions for awhile. Yeah, I know LB's. Heck, I am not even you and I am a bit steamed. <P>My suggestion, be firm with her. Don't back down, you don't need to be verbally abused, physically abused, or ignored based on a decision that was best for the children. Tell her that. Things will change when she rejoins the family and OM is out of the picture.<P>Plan A doesn't mean you have to get run over. It means you do your best to meet their needs. This isn't a need of hers and she ought to understand that.<P>I'll now get off my soap box. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

I would say the offending spouse really has nothing to say. They try to throw everything back into your face and make you feel guilty instead of them. I think also you should be firm but it is easy for a stranger to say.

Thanks for the feedback. I can't believe even after two years of this stuff on how good the WS can put stuff back into my corner. What is funny is when she brought the will conversation up (I tried to say we should let the past stay in the past) she kept saying that even though this happened a year ago it was new to her. <P>She is classic in the way she can devert my attention away from what she is really doing. As I know from everyone else on this board it all becomes so draining and you really begin to question yourself more then anything. I would appreaciate any other thoughts that anyone else might have. We are in such a critical period given the OM has just gotten divorced and is probably putting presure on her to do something.

Thanks for the feedback. I can't believe even after two years of this stuff on how good the WS can put stuff back into my corner. What is funny is when she brought the will conversation up (I tried to say we should let the past stay in the past) she kept saying that even though this happened a year ago it was new to her. <P>She is classic in the way she can devert my attention away from what she is really doing. As I know from everyone else on this board it all becomes so draining and you really begin to question yourself more then anything. I would appreaciate any other thoughts that anyone else might have. We are in such a critical period given the OM has just gotten divorced and is probably putting presure on her to do something.

Thanks for the feedback. I can't believe even after two years of this stuff on how good the WS can put stuff back into my corner. What is funny is when she brought the will conversation up (I tried to say we should let the past stay in the past) she kept saying that even though this happened a year ago it was new to her. <P>She is classic in the way she can devert my attention away from what she is really doing. As I know from everyone else on this board it all becomes so draining and you really begin to question yourself more then anything. I would appreaciate any other thoughts that anyone else might have. We are in such a critical period given the OM has just gotten divorced and is probably putting presure on her to do something.

Things are heating up. My wife is still so pissed about this will thing that she is talking divorce and seems ready to follow through with it. She called me on Friday to tell me that "we need to talk". I listen for awhile about how she does not trust and respect me given what has happened with the will stuff. Never mind her affair!<P>I told her a number of times that is she wants out all she has to do is file for divorce. It would be that simiple. I would not contest it. She says that would be great for me, meaning that she would be the bad person. She said we are both unhappy and should just end it. As I tried to explain we are unhappy for two different reasons. She does not love me and wants to move on. I still love her and want to make our marriage work. So we are in two different places.<P>I have been avoiding to topic all weekend. But as you can probably guess tensions are high. I have done a little LBing because I can only take so much. Thank god I have a great family and friends. My kids also save me many times.<P>So the ball is in her court so to speak. Easter is next weekend and her family is coming in. We usually do a big thing with both families. But it looks like it is not going to be in the cards this time. Still trying with the PMA. But also ready if she wants to go through with the D. Though I don't ever think any of us are really ready for that.

My wife now tells me after a couple of weeks of discussing a bunch of deep issues that she wants a divorce. We have gone as far as to talk about the kids, housing, and money. The conversations to date have been very good in that they have not become emotional like many of our other conversations.<P>I have been in some form of plan A for two years. I have done my share of LBing with some not too nice words in there over the last 6 months. It seems that I can only go so long. The OM's divorce is final and of course our issues have nothing to do with what happened with him. My wife says she justs wants to be alone right now. I have seen in these forums that people have come back from the brink. <P>What suggestions might people have. What works and what does not when divorce seems like it is right around the corner. I have told her all along that if this is what she wants I would not stand in her way.

Zip,<P>Sometimes you have to set them free. People do come back from the brink of D or even D, do what you need to do for you.<P>Wish I had some great advice or sucess but I don't. Like you I have been at this for 2 yrs, & all I have done in the past few months is make things worse. I am ready to move on with my H or without him. <P>Good luck. I hope you find peace & happiness.

Sing, the funny thing is that the longer you stick around the more damage you can do. Because as we all know there is only so much a person can take. That is why the Harley's recommend Plan B. Because sooner or later you lose that loving feeling for the spouse.<P>I would be interested in stats on how many people that go through a divorce regret it later in their life. I have heard this often and wonder how true it might be?

Hi Zip,<P>Long time!!<P>I like your final question here, about regrets...<P>I wonder about that too... maybe that's a good idea for a dissertation, should I go for that Ph.D. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Sheryl,<P>You were one of the first people who gave me advice almost 18 months ago on this site. I think one of the things you said was be ready for the ride of your life and I will say it has been that. I have followed your story on and off for a long time. <P>The PHd part on the regrets is very good. Someone should do a study not so much on the kids and how divorce effects them. But on how the adults feel years later.<P>

Zip-<P>It sure sounds to me like your W is not even close to accepting the wrong she has/is doing. BY being angry at you over silly things she then gets the idea she can do the things she is doing because "you made her mad".<P>Love her all you want-but the first things in your life ought to be your well being and that of your children-and one day I guarantee you will not regret making those decisions!!!!!!<P>Good luck <P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."<p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited April 17, 2001).]

You are right she has no interest in showing any remorse at all over what has happened. She in a very Bill Clinton speak talks only of mistakes that have been made on her end.<P>The OM's ex wife called an left her a message the other day. If you can imagine this she called to say she was sorry for some of the things she said about my wife during the affair with her husband. My wife just laughed it off like I have never seen. So I guess you could say she has no clue and as she always says, "our kids will be just fine".

Oh Zip-<P>My hear is just absolutely aching-thus the nick-for those kids that she says will "be just fine".<P>I come from divorced parents-and although my circumstances were on the "down" side I am not sure I ever could have been "OK" after losing the security of two parents-one roof.<P>Then I divorced my ex after 13 1/2 years of marriage and 2 kids. I thought I would "make sure" they didn't suffer because we divorced. IMPOSSIBLE.<P>I am going to pray for a fast wake up call for your W. She needs it-fast!<P>I wish you all the very best-I truly do-I can't think of a more sad situation...............<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."