I'm kinda scared to ask him for his password because he will then ask for mine and see all of my threads through MB ! Because I am notified when someone replys. Also, he will see that I am not trusting him and get upset. kinda difficult situation.<P><BR>CF

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by can't forget:<BR><B>I'm kinda scared to ask him for his password because he will then ask for mine and see all of my threads through MB ! Because I am notified when someone replys. Also, he will see that I am not trusting him and get upset. kinda difficult situation.<P><BR>CF</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>can't forget,<P>I know we have gone round and round with this in previous threads, but you really should consider again the advice that was given to you:<P>1. Tell your H what you have done.<P>2. Give him a safe environment to do the same.<P>3. Develop a plan together to rebuild and restore the marriage.<P>What you are doing now is not healthy for your marriage. I really hope you will change your mind...<P>-HD

Tell my H about me snooping his email? yeah right! That will cause even more problems. Some things are better left unsaid.<BR>CF

Cant'forget:<P>yes we are together,,, that weekend when he received the paperwork and I put his stuff out in the front yard,,, he went to church confessed and then had to face his family with his actions... when I told him about how I got his passwords he asked me "so what does the Lord tell you to do about me?" and I said I would pray on it and let him know... that night I had the most incredible dream about my H and I knew that morning that I NEEDED him in my life. I didnt take him back for the kids and I didnt take him back because I felt sorry for him..,,, I did it because if God can forgive us ,,, why shouldnt I? I am reading Max Lucados book Just like Jesus and within the first section it talks about forgiveness,,, anyways,,, I wish you luck getting that password

concerned1- I guess the lord allowed me to have his password twice, but not a third time. Is it possible the lord is telling me there is nothing to see? I have tried every password imaginable, but nothing. I wish I could find forgiveness just as you have. YOull have to read other threads to know the whole story. I am having difficulty- our main source of opening up with each other is via email- kinda sad. Then when we get home, we zip our lips and nothing is said. Anyway, congrats on finding forgiveness and that password. Hope I can do the same.<P>CF

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by can't forget:<BR><B>Tell my H about me snooping his email? yeah right! That will cause even more problems. Some things are better left unsaid.<BR>CF</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>some things, but not this thing, you need to be honest with your husband, how do you reconcile that its ok for you to lie to your husband but that its not ok for him to keep things from you?<P>he need to know that you dont trust him, and he needs to have the chance to earn your trust back. by not giving him the data, you are damaging the potential for recovery.<P>if you expect him to be honest with you and be accountable for his actions, then you have to act that way. do you really want to give him ammunition? to let him use the word i cant trust you? i cant imagine that there would be more hurtful words coming from a WS.<P>if you cant come clean about reading his past e-mails, approach this as if it were a new issue, tell him that you are having a difficult time regaining trust in him and that one area that you can readily identify is that he appears to be hiding communication from you. offer to him that one thing that would be helpful is if he could share his passwords with you, and that you would take that as a gesture of trust from him.<P>do not avoid the conflict, that is what i have lived my life doing, and it has been devastation all the way around, if you believe anything that Dr. Gottman (author of why marriages fail) say, believe that his research shows that the number one reason is the avoidance of conflict. that the key to successful marriage seems to be the ability to have and manage conflict.<P>remember that everything you do behind his back will come back to haunt you eventually, what if he is being completely honest (i doubt it but what if) wont you feel like a complete jerk for not believing in him? karma if you will.<P>i cant tell you the importance of telling the truth about whats going on with you, and not being so afraid of how he is going to react. how he reacts is the opportunity to succeed managing the outburst, answering his questions, getting answers to yours that the gold, stop looking for gold without him and start hunting for it with him you will have better luck and you will know for sure what kind of man you have on your hands.<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

chaz- thanks for the advice, and if I do decide to open up with me getting into his email, I will approach as a new issue, but then , like I said before, he will want mine too and see these threads- how to solve that? My H is an "avoider" he hurts me feelings when he says " I hate talking to you because you make a big deal out of everything" so he avoids telling me things. Even if it's minor details, I notice he hasnt told me till a week later or something or hear it by him telling someone else. I feel unimportant. Our latest argument was last night when he said, " its weird how women get tired after sex" Well, a light went off in my head when I heard "women" and I immediately wanted to know why he said "women" as if he KNOWS that women get tired. So of course, I wanted more detail as to why he said that, and he got defensive and again, we hit a brick wall and he said, "nevermind, you make a big deal out of everything" then we turn around and go to sleep. We have been to counseling in the past, but seems as if we need to go again and deall with this stonewalling.<P>CF

geez, <P>so your husband the guy who you feel thinks your unimportant tries to have a rather intimate conversation with you by gingerly bringing the topic of "women being tired after sex" instead of maybe saying " why are you tired after sex" and you being so smooth take the opportunity to share and grow with your husband and turn it into the inquisition!!!<P>arrrgh! one thing that has happened very recently for me is the realization that everything my wife said sent me into full on defence mode. it didnt even have to be about me at all, but it was. every thing she said was to damage me somehow. how it got this way is a long process of critisism and unresolved complaints, then on to contempt and so on and so on the jist is that once i saw my actions as defensive and i got some good tools to avoid responding that way, eveything between my wife and i began to have a new perspective.<P>she didnt even read the book and i am amazed at how effectively my handling my end of the communication has impacted our relationship. (why marriages fail, john gottmann) <P>i guess what i am saying is that you have the opportunity to change how you are communicating with him to get more satisfaction out of your marriage, so.... do it.<P>also clinging on to the dishonest part of your actions is not a great plan. start being honest, clean up your e-mail account, get a free account like hotmail and have your MB post noticed there if you feel like you have to hide your attempts to save your marriage (seem odd and dishonest to me) have you been lying about him here? whats the issue?<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

CF ...man I hear you on the only way you can communicate is through email... been there done that also.. I think you are on the same road I have been and I want you to know that I care and that I am listening to what you are saying,,, <BR>HD said What you are doing now is not healthy for your marriage. I really hope you will change your mind... <BR>I guess what they are trying to say is that just like me I spent 7 years getting his password,,, checking his email and finding things I didnt like,,, he also said that chatting and flirting with others was not wrong and just all kinds of excuses... last year I finally told him that "fine you dont think there is anything wrong with what you are doing and you may do what you want but not under my roof and in my life time I do not want to be married to someone who doesnt respect me enought to stop." so I said get off the net or else and he did... but then he did it from work and I could tell from his behaviour that things still smelled... I told him that he would not know that I knew until he saw the policeman at his office... yes my H is a stuborn man and so am I.... when I got the info I did exactly what I warned him I would do.... so ,,,, I guess it became a huge game to him until he saw that I AM NOT PLAYING!!LOL... so girl .. ... hang in there I know how difficult this is for you and getting to the point where you are means there is more to it than just the net... usually it is the symptom to something else...<BR>thinking of you<BR>C1

Thanks again. So chaz- how should I have approached his comment about being tired after sex? What was the best way without him getting defensive? Was I wrong for asking him about "women" and what he meant? Also, what do you mean by have I been lying about him here? Why would I? Not sure what you are asking. I guess I am afraid of the outcome of finding "more problems" with email, lying, etc. It may just send us right to divorce court. Listen, my H wants a baby and wants to try at the end of summer, I just want to be sure. Concerned1- I have no control over my H getting on the net at work- I do to. I know he cant stay in his office much, so I really dont think he is chatting. When I was monitoring his mail, I didnt see that his messenger had any buddies, etc. I am just suspicious about the one email I saw and want to catch him lying. I dont think it's right for him to have contact with the friend of the OW ( she works with him- the friend) she was the one that sent the suspicious email, when I asked him about if he has contact with her, he just lies. I deleted that email before he even saw it.<P>CF

how about,<P>why do women get tired? hmm well as a woman i get tired because of this or that, or tired!! hell i dont know about other women but it energizes me most of the time i cant wait to go at it again!! or how about women get tired? i always heard its the man that rolls over and goes to sleep!<P>i guess i see it as an opportunity to build intimacy and closeness, not a time to question the question, at some point you have to look at the man and make a choice, either i am going to save this or pick at it until i prove it wont work.<P>either get his password from him upfront tell him why you want it or stop obsessing about it, its keeping you from doing good work in your marriage. and be prepared to be asked for yours, get your **** together and clean out your box what ever it takes but start being honest quit lying to him before you accuse him of lying to you.<P>my question about lying about him is as direct as i can be. why would you be concerned about him reading your mail? if your trying to save your marriage and MB is one way your doing that whats to hide? <P>you can see that i am an open book on the MB stuff, i use my real name, i have the same Password here as everywhere else, i dont erase the history on my computer, i come here because i need help and i mean what i say i dont vent to be harmful, i seldom say here what i wouldnt want to say directly to her.<P><p>[This message has been edited by chazbutler (edited April 18, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by can't forget:<BR><B>, When I was monitoring his mail, I didnt see that his messenger had any buddies, etc. I am just suspicious about the one email I saw and want to catch him lying. I dont think it's right for him to have contact with the friend of the OW ( she works with him- the friend) she was the one that sent the suspicious email, when I asked him about if he has contact with her, he just lies. I deleted that email before he even saw it.<P>CF</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>CF,<BR>I have hesitated in responding to you for number of reasons. But I feel I must at this point.<P>You are obsessing over a situation that you created. Have you re-read your very own posts? Did you not leave your H to persue a possible relationship with another man?<P>I understand that you want your marriage now, and are doing what you think is the right way to save it. But I don't see how continuing to lie to your H will suceed in doing that. You don't want him to lie to you, so why are you lying and sneaking around on him?<P>I think Chaz has given you some very good advise. But it also seems to me that you aren't going to follow the concepts of MB to help you in your quest to make a better marriage for you and your H. It's apparent that you are looking for validation that what you are doing is ok. When in fact you said.."I want to catch him lying".<P>Do you want to catch him lying to give you another reason to leave? You mention he wants to start a family. Are you looking to find something wrong with your h so that you do not have to be fully commited? I guess all I am saying is, if in fact you are just looking for a way out, tell him. I'm quite sure his head is spinning. <P>I apologize to you if I am way off base. I'm only telling it like I see it, and I've been known to be wrong before.<P>I only want to see you healthy. I only want to see your relationship healthy. I think in order to accomplish that, you need to change your strategy. I think trying to really learn and apply the concepts of MB could help you both tremendously, if you'd only let it.<P>Be Well, I wish you the best for you and your H<BR>Trace<p>[This message has been edited by trace (edited April 18, 2001).]

I think you are both very right. I know I have done wrong things in the past and maybe its my own guilt Trace, I wonder if you are right about finding something wrong to leave again. My head is spinning 24/7- I think I need therapy to figure out what is going on in my head. I've been w/ my H for 11 years- since I was 17 and think I am just bored. I see so much excitement/possibilities out there and want to be part of it, but on the other hand, I cant even imagine being without my H. I thought I hit rock-bottom when we were apart and he met someone else. When I felt the way I did, I knew I loved him and wanted him, but once things were getting back to the norm and we were together again, I started sensing boredom again and questioning why he did this and that and how hurt I was,etc and started resenting it. Trace- you have been one of the most on target responses I have received. I may need real counseling. Not sure what's going on with me. HELP! So you read all those old threads of mine? wow, they were pretty lengthy! I guess the difference is that I know about the OW, but my H doesnt have a clue about me, so doesnt have questions, etc.<P>CF

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by can't forget:<BR><B>I think you are both very right. I know I have done wrong things in the past and maybe its my own guilt Trace, I wonder if you are right about finding something wrong to leave again. My head is spinning 24/7- I think I need therapy to figure out what is going on in my head. I've been w/ my H for 11 years- since I was 17 and think I am just bored. I see so much excitement/possibilities out there and want to be part of it, but on the other hand, I cant even imagine being without my H. I thought I hit rock-bottom when we were apart and he met someone else. When I felt the way I did, I knew I loved him and wanted him, but once things were getting back to the norm and we were together again, I started sensing boredom again and questioning why he did this and that and how hurt I was,etc and started resenting it. Trace- you have been one of the most on target responses I have received. I may need real counseling. Not sure what's going on with me. HELP! So you read all those old threads of mine? wow, they were pretty lengthy! I guess the difference is that I know about the OW, but my H doesnt have a clue about me, so doesnt have questions, etc.<P>CF</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>CF, <BR>I have been exactly where you are. <BR>I know the feeling of waiting, WANTING him to screw up.<BR>I learned the hard way. <BR>I hope you don't have to.<BR>I've been with my H since I was 16. It's been a long bumpy road, full of history, faults, and gains. You could be me, if I didn't know any better. <BR>Get some counceling. It can't hurt, right?<P>[This message has been edited by trace (edited April 18, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by trace (edited April 19, 2001).]

Trace- thanks.<BR>We have been to counseling- once we got back together. We are also having communication problems- its possible we have outgrown the relationship. I wouldnt mind hearing your story, what you experienced- I'm sure it will be helpful. Gotta go for now.<P>CF

Ok,<P> I just want to say about the pc programs, there is a program called STEALTH, that absolutely cannot be detected at all unless you know the archive file name, and that will bring up the program. This program records everything, when someone types in their password to oh let's say a hotmail account, it records that password and username. So i'm just going to say good luck

can't forget -<P>if you read Surviving an Affair - Dr. Harley explains in the book why - why - why a husband should never hide his schedule, etc. If you don't have this book, order it off Harley's web site $14.97 - and read it for some insight why this is happening - if he doesn't change - you can with your ENs. Dr. Harley is too enlightening in this book. Remember - if they are being secretive - it is usually because of an A. My H all of a sudden got very protective of me looking over his shoulder - even msgs to his dad - which showed his insecurities - he was in the A but told me otherwise. Remember - if you feel suspicious - you probably have a good reason for it.<BR>Good luck. But I think changing passwords - means he does not want you to know something. Check out the 50 ways to know if spouse is having an A.<BR>Best of luck. after shock

After shock-<BR>Where can I find the 50 signs of an affair? I finally got my H's password, but nothing suspicious. He just continues to lie about mail he receives and I have even asked him if he received an email I sent him, he says no, not yet, when in fact I see that it has been read. He tells me his co worker doesnt email him anything or doesnt have this other email address of his, when In fact, I see she is sending him jokes. I know this co worker, she is married with two kids and is not very attractive. I just cant understand why the lies? I dont think he is having an A because the only time he is not by my side is at work. We are together at night and on weekends and after work. I have already warned him about his lies, not via email because I dont want him to know I have his password, but he has "white lied" about other things. Thanks for your info<P>CF