As I post this, I am risking getting blasted for stereotyping OW. Sorry in advance. My OW is only friends with men - women seem not to like her for whatever reason. Have you found this to be true? Why do you think this is?

It may mean that she is insecure with women and men give her compliments and she needs this to feel good about herself instead of looking deep inside......I used to be this way but time and pain have taught me about best friends as females-it also means that she could be moving on to another "friend".

I guess I need to rephrase this - she "says" women don't like her. I believe that to be true, but she says it like there's nothing wrong with it. My H has told me he wonders why she is only friends with men too - also said she is very needy... I personally think women don't like her because they "see" what kind of person she is. What makes a person this way? I truly feel that she will move on to the next victim as soon as she has "won" (meaning my H and I are divorced). Why can't H see this?

Strange you should mention this. I was telling my daughter just yesterday about friends of ours-she had a long A on her H a few years back. I mentioned that she was only friends with men and never very friendly to women. I don't know why but she never seemed comfortable chatting with me, just her H and male friends.I know she had a very domineering father but don't know if this is related.. As for my H's OW- I've never seen her before so have nothing to say but she does work with a bunch of truck drivers.

What a coincidence ?!, the OW in our life also told us both (this was during the time she was working with us and pretending to try to be my "friend" UGH!!) that for some reason, she never seems to get along with most people and that she never had a real friend, and like your OW, that it never really bothered her. Well, now I sure know why...she is (and probably always has been) out for #1...I had to listen to her talk about how talented, intelligent, extraordinary she was while we were working together (or rather, while I was working and she and my H were pursuing their A.) and I could see that she was not the type of person who would understand the give and take of real friendship. Meanwhile, she was "bonding" with my H. by proclaiming how much they had in common (incidentally, my H. never had a real friend either...and at first tried to tell me she was the first person other than me that he could "really talk to.") So I gather she can only relate to someone who is willing to admire her and confirm her own view of her superiority as a human being (gag!). Did you ever see the movie "Election", a dark comedy (worth watching, if only to see how ridiculous it can be to hear obviously mismatched people proclaim they are "soulmates"..it took the edge off my misery at finding out OW referred to herself as my H's "soulmate")...anyway, the central figure is an over-achieving, highly odious high school girl (my OW to a "T", though she is a college undergrad.) I'm sure not every home-wrecker is soulless and friendless like that, but it does take a certain amount of self-centeredness to pursue an A. with a married person and I would bet anyone who does can't be much of a friend to anyone, at least with any sincerity. octavia99

So your OW is also a master at "talking the talk and walking the walk???" My OW is a pro at saying or not saying what WS wants to hear. Don't know much about my OW's father other than he is outgoing and talkative, like OW is.. Interesting thoughts - probably is a father figure thing.

My OW was on her third marriage (12 years into it) when her and H moved to Alberta for a fresh new start (found out she had an affair in Ontario) within 30 days of starting her new job she was renting hotel rooms with my H on a weekly basis.<P>I really am confused by the OWs I hear about because it seems like many of them are repeat offenders. I mean this was my H's first affair and I believe it will be his last (can you say disaster). I try hard to not "blame" her but some things are very strange with my storY:<P>-OW lied about her age, told my H she was 39 when she was 43 - actually 10 years older than he.<BR>_OW told my H that her H beat her daily - yet she remains married to him to this day<BR>_OW told my H that I phoned her and called her a horrible mother for leaving her children (I never did)<BR>-OW told my H that all the woman at work were awful to her; their story is that she complained constantly and they were tired of the "venom" she spewed.<BR>_OW went back to her husband in one week and told mine that she was sleeping on the couch and babysitting her children, meanwhile her and her H were in marriage counselling. (SHe continued to show up at My H's apartment for weekly sex for three months after she went back to her H???<BR>-OW told everyone at work that her relationship with my H was over by the end of December - they kept a low profile at work (meaning she never acknowledged his existance there) and continued their "affair" until the end of May.<BR>_OW phoned my house continuosly looking for my H while we were separated, because she ahd time to come over NOW and he should be there waiting?<BR>-When my H ended the affair with her, she never ever spoke to him again - not one word, not ever<P>Can anyone explain her to me?<P>

It's eerie isn't it? Nobody at work liked my OW either and this is her 3rd affair that I know of - broke her own vows (not with my H). This is also my H's first affair, but he left me for her. Guess he'll be her next victim - I can only hope since he's now the love of her life......

The ow in our case only had friendships with males...and her idea of what was appropriate was totally screwed up. I found this out after the affair during the time she and I emailed.<P>It is dangerous to stereotype anyone....most of us wives with repentant and remorseful husbands certainly don't want our men pegged as "womanizers" do we? What I think is important is for anyone who has an affair to take a long look at themselves and see where their weak areas are. What beliefs and situations allowed them to make such a destructive choice. Sadly, some of them won't do that because there are morally bankrupt women and men in this world. Those of us who have a spouse who truly just made a bad judgement should be grateful and guard what we have very carefully.<P>What I find myself wondering now, over 3 years after the revelation and end of the affair, is if the ow has changed her ways. And if she has changed how. I probably won't get that one answered..... I do know my husband has no close female friends and won't even go to lunch with a woman unless it is part of a group. He guards himself very carefully.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Too true. <P>Our ex-OW is withdrawn around other women. She only seems to "open up" (figuratively AND literally :eek with men. Her poor ex-H, however, wasn't one of them. <P>Maybe someday with God's help, if she would only ask, she may resolve this unhealthy tendency of hers. I don't believe she'll ever find true happiness until she does. She'll just continue to try and "fill" the emptiness inside herself with one shallow and short-lived romance after another. What a sad way to live. She's doomed to "serial relationships"...

If my H were remorseful and repentive, I hope I wouldn't be dwelling on this. But since they have ridden off into the sunset together, there seems to be little else that I even think about. I know that stereotyping is wrong, but it makes me feel better to put down these "evil OW." Sad, but true....<P>I truly believe that people, through the grace of God, can change their ways. I want that for my WS and the OW. But they are too much in denial.

LivingWith Memories:<P>I was surprised to see so many common threads regarding the OW. The one in my case has been married 3 times, has had affairs with boyfriends of co-workers (which explains why the women at her office dislike her enormously). She had the gull to tell me my H was the first married man she had ever been with (like that would make me feel better?). <P>She was also married during the A and spoke of how poorly her H treated her. However, when I put my foot down and let her know I would fight for my H, she started saying she loved her H and didn't want to lose him. Does that make sense to anyone? Above all, this is a woman who thinks nothing about lying, tells men what they want to hear, but can't keep up a good enough front with women. Hence, they avoid other women who see right through them.<P>Sorry it this sounds a bit biased. H and I are doing well in our recovery, but I still hate OW.<p>[This message has been edited by newqueen (edited April 15, 2001).]

The OW that has invaded our lives is a married 45 year old woman. Claims this is her first affair with married man (I don't really believe it). Also claims to go with pilots, has rekindled an old acquaintance relationship while having A with WS and possibly more stories. <P>OW is very experienced on setting up secret e-mail address (controls Ws's passwords and changes them at her will - like when she is upset at WS), taught WS to get secret PO box address (OW has had several in different cities), setup secret voice mail account just for the 2 of them, etc.<P>OW used the 'I am a very private person' claim as a come on to keep the suspense of the A going. It worked. Not only did WS believe everything OW told him (promised him travel, enterpenurial adventures, send him to school, provide living accomodations, money, etc. - in exchange for sex). He was willing to make life changing decisions (run away with her, divorce, totally leave all family and friends, change jobs, move out, travel out of the country, etc.). <P>OW promised a lot and has yet to deliver any of it. Let's see, claimed she was pregnant and miscarried without any proof. Claimed to have sent H back to his famiy 5 times, yet pulled him back each time (so to me that does not count). Claimed she was rich and has lots of money, yet not working. At home too much on the internet and phone with H and others. Claims she has many internet businesses (I know of one - selling tea, new site not very prosperous - could be good business, but you can also buy tea anywhere and she sells it out of her garage - would you want to buy loose tea sitting in someone's garage?). Bought WS a shirt in Yosemite (their 3 day vacation together) over 10 weeks ago, WS has yet to see the shirt (not sure what she is holding it for - ransom for sex?). Claimed I threatened to kill her via e-mail letter (again no proof). Claimed I put poop in Ws's laundry that ended up at her house (OW claimed her H found Ws's dirty laundry bag). Again no proof - but that was a funny one. <P>Basically, this OW is a lot of talk little do (or dodo), except when it comes to doing the dirty deed with WS. In that area she is very much an action woman. <P>OW is jealous of any time WS spends with his son. Even talking to son over the phone gets her riled up. OW is also very proud of her educational degree in whatever. She like to lord it over others who may not be able to show a university degree. But OW has no scruples and has made a mess of her life and intends on passing on this ability to others (including WS). OW acts like she is the Wife and tells WS that his real W is taking too much of his time. OW is a very possesive person. Accuses W of 24/7 her own H. Oh yea, even accuses W of seducing H and that H never seduces his own W. <P>Yes, I believe at one point, WS said that OW finds it hard to relate to women. Hmmm...... wonder why? <P>So, OW doesn't relate well with women. OW makes a lot of promises she doesn't keep. OW makes a lot of threats she doesn't follow through on. OW claims people don't like here and claims threats are made on her life. Hmmm..... makes you think. Are all OW's full of hot air or is this one just special?<P>Psyco or what? OW's nick name - Mrs. Psyco Babble<P>L.<P><BR>

I can truly relate to what so many of you have shared about the OW. Unfortunately, there are two OW in my life. The first one, I truly believe is sorry for what she did. When I confronted her a few days after her wedding, she seemed to be truly sorry for the affair. BUT the second OW is a real "trip." The funny thing is that when my husband and I first started "hanging out" with her and her husband and their friends, the thought kept crossing my mind that she could have an affair with my husband. It was the things she said and how she acted around him and other men. She said and did vulgar, inappropriate things. She was always telling me "I knew your husband before I knew you; we have a bond with each other." Of course, I always told her she should be spending more time bonding with her husband instead of publicly ridiculing him so much.<P>At any rate, my husband and the OW started their affair when my son and I were out of town celebrating my son's birthday; a trip my H was supposed to be with us on, but couldn't make until later. (I know why now) At any rate, my husband continued his affair with this woman until he got caught with his shirt off so to speak. That's when everything hit the fan. Both I and the OW's husband suspected something was amiss, but I think we were both in denial. The OW's husband was always complaining about how uncomfortable he felt about his wife's relationship with other men who were supposed to be his friends.<P>My OW claims my husband was her only one. She claims she didn't know she was pregnant by my husband until 3 months after the fact. (Yeah, right. . . she'd already had 4 children, supposedly with her husband). She claims she misses my friendship. (Yeah, right . . . like we were ever friends) She claims she can teach me a few things about how to please a man, especially "my man." (Yeah, right . . . like she knows a whole lot about marriage when she wasn't even pleasing her own man.)<P>Unfortunately, I see or hear from the OW often because of the baby. Yet, when I see her at functions, I still see her surrounded by men, being loud, talking and acting inappropriately for a woman who is supposed to be a Christian, wife, and mother. I am convinced after having to deal with her that some women will never change. I think she is only out for what she can get, no matter who it hurts.<P>How said it is that in this day and age there are women and men who think so little of themselves and others. Adultery and trying to survive it is one of the most painful things I have had to deal with in my life. The Lord knows it is not a road I ever thought I would have to cross; Afterall I married a Christian man. (Ha--Ha--Ha)

I think that my OW is very similar- prefers male friends to female, but it goes so much further.<P>I used to work with her and I'd notice how she would be sweet as pie to everyone- male and female-to their faces, but when they were gone, watch out! She'd tear them apart, commenting on their clothing, their intellegence, their actions-nothing was sacred. I told this to my H and reminded him how I told him how vengeful she was, and now can't believe how he got in this mess.<P>For her, I think her behavior stems from a very chipped shoulder. I don't think she's very educated and is married to a blue collar worker. She doesn't live in the best part of town. I think she blasts people because it makes her feel better about her own condition-because for the most part, these people have it better off. In fact, I think she went after my husband because she saw him as a way to improve her condition.<P>In all, she's not a very nice person, so I have no qualms about never forgiving her (she's never been remorseful) or wishing that she never has a happy day for the rest of her life.