Guess I have been a bit blue lately. So much is going on. This is the time of the year that I had dreaded. <P>A year ago, I had a miscarriage. I was only 12 weeks along and I did not realize how hard I would take it. Then in Nov 00, I learned of my H's A's. To lose a baby and H in the same year was devasting. In addition to that I was scared how I would be on the 1 year anniversary of this miscarriage. <P>I thought I could handle it but I seem to keep thinking about what I have lost and keep crying. I am so sad, I just wish I could have had my little baby. Now I am here and my husband is not here to comfort me. I thought if I wrote this out I could just get over it, but I am not sure if anything can help. I feel so lost. I have tried to tell myself, it is done and there is nothing I can do. But I just feel so sad. <P>There is not much more to say. I am sorry for dumping on all you good people like this. I just don't know who else to turn to. I will try and get some rest. I hope this will pass. I am going to try and call my H. He should be back from work now. I am sure he will not appreciate this late call since it is 1am here. But he is the father and should share in my pain. That is just how I feel. <P>Good night,<BR>L.

Orchid,<P>I know how you feel almost. I wouldn't have my YS if i hadn't had a miscarriage 3 months before he was concieved.<P>It is funny, but i grieve for thatlost baby every yr for a few days. <P><BR>(HUGS) sing

Orchid,<P>I have never lost a baby; in fact God only blessed me with one son, but nevertheless, as your sister, I can feel your pain. To use a cliche, you have a full plate -- losing your baby and your husband. But I know, if you believe in the power of God and the strength and increased faith only He can give you, you will survive.<P>It was around Mother's Day, 1998 that I discovered that my husband -- the only man I had ever known -- had betrayed me. Not only had he had two affairs, one with one of the bridesmaids in our wedding (four years after we said I do) and the second one (five years later) with the wife of someone who was supposedly his best friend. To make matters worse, this second union resulted in a child. <P>I said all that not to dump on you, but to let you know, I felt like I was going to die, spiritually and physically. Yet, here I am almost three years later, very much alive.<P>Yes, I do still hurt, a lot sometimes, but I realize like an old Blues master, Bobby Blue Bland, sang: "You gotta hurt before you heal." My pain and trials have allowed me to understand what others are feeling and to help them by giving them a shoulder to lean on so they can keep their focus on the Lord, which is something I did not have during the key point of my crisis.<P>God loves you, Orchid. I care about you. I will be praying for you. Be strong. And if you need to release and cry, do it and then dry your eyes and be strong. You will survive!

Dear Orchid,<P>How awful for you. I was very fortunate to not have had to lose a child like that but had a friend who did. She was devastated and still feels her loss.<P>I was wondering if you got a hold of H? If yes was he supportive? Think it was kinds risky on your part to turn to him but I understand why you did.<P>Take Care.

Orchid;<BR>I am so sorry - I have never been pregnant so I cannot know this loss you are experiencing. This is a lot to juggle right now and you deserve to just "have a meltdown" for the day. I will say little prayer and hope that tomorrow is a better day. <P>Many hugs....Scuba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>Guess I have been a bit blue lately. So much is going on. This is the time of the year that I had dreaded. <P>A year ago, I had a miscarriage. I was only 12 weeks along and I did not realize how hard I would take it. Then in Nov 00, I learned of my H's A's. To lose a baby and H in the same year was devasting. In addition to that I was scared how I would be on the 1 year anniversary of this miscarriage. <P>I thought I could handle it but I seem to keep thinking about what I have lost and keep crying. I am so sad, I just wish I could have had my little baby. Now I am here and my husband is not here to comfort me. I thought if I wrote this out I could just get over it, but I am not sure if anything can help. I feel so lost. I have tried to tell myself, it is done and there is nothing I can do. But I just feel so sad. <P>There is not much more to say. I am sorry for dumping on all you good people like this. I just don't know who else to turn to. I will try and get some rest. I hope this will pass. I am going to try and call my H. He should be back from work now. I am sure he will not appreciate this late call since it is 1am here. But he is the father and should share in my pain. That is just how I feel. <P>Good night,<BR>L.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Orchid,<P>Oh yes, I understand...<P>After my H's 3 affairs in the 80's... <P>He moved me 100 miles away from the OW's... and I became pregnant... even though he'd had a vasectomy 18 months earlier... I was alone most of the time because he had a job where we used to live (read: right by all the OW) and I had three children under 5... and pregnant again.<P>One day, about 14 weeks in, I woke up bleeding... and I went to the hospital... I'd lost the baby.<P>...and you know what I heard from everyone??... "You couldn't afford another one anyway"..."Things were bad for your two anyway"... very supportive.<P>That was 14 years ago. <P>And every so often, like when I read this today, I am reminded of it... and I believe that there is a little person in heaven waiting for me... and it makes me feel better.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Hi Orchid...<P>I lost a baby girl unexpectedly after a fullterm pregnancy. I recall that first anniversary of her birth/death...very sad, very empty. I was lucky that my H was there, and I had one friend who remembered the date and called me, and I know that helped.<P>You have every right to grieve over this anniversary. <P>I've had friends who released a balloon to symbolically let go of the baby on that first anniversary. You might want to do something like that. Do you have a sister, mom or close friend you can talk to? Letting your feeling out sometimes helps a lot... <P>Anyway, just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.<P>Kathi

Hi,<P>Thanks so much for all your support. I am feeling a bit better but still a little blue. I have always been a person 'in control' of my feelings. However, both these incidents have blown away that security. I now find myself very vulnerable to these crying times. It makes me a bit angry not to be able to have the control I once had. <P>Guess I just have to deal with it. While I do have the support of many, these are issues that only I can deal with and must resolve within my heart. <P>I did tell H when it came up on Saturday, he said he was sorry and that men are not as sensitive about these things. That in itself did not make me feel real good, but he did give me a hug. Then again last night, I called him at 1am, he said he was sorry then asked if I was going to work today. That was about all of it. H does not relate well to my pain, he often runs away when I am suffering (conflict avoider graduate). He does not deal with it very well. He is also on that fence about coming home vs telling OW it is over and a bit scared because I can not guarantee that all of me really wants him home. It has been 5 months since d/d and my emotions are in turmoil. <P>Paying attention to my needs have never been first place in my life. I have always put them last and put others first (H, son, family, work, friends,etc.). By the time I dealt with all of that, there was little left over for dealing with myself and then the vicious cycle of need would start all over again (his family had weekly issues for the past 10 years that would constantly be dumped on my table and H would not deal with it). Bad excuse, I know but I could never knowingly neglect someone (except myself of course). How I hate being a compulsive giver and can't stop. <P>This sounds like another vent. I am sorry. But it is bringing some relief. I do enjoy helping others, don't get me wrong. I will not stop doing that. The Bible says there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving and I agree with that teaching. I just know that a certain one in my life either needs to do a bit more giving on their own or move on so that I can find someone who can share with me an equal portion of give and take. <P>You have all been great. Wish someone could write to my H and tell him how I feel. He might listen better to them. <P>Kathi, I will try to do something to symbolically release this sad memory. Thanks for the suggestion. The logical side of my mind thinks I am dumb for all these emotions running rampant. Guess that is where the internal conflict is coming from and it is a good thing I am not a conflict avoider by nature, since it is impossible to run away from yourself. <P>I want to do something for myself tonight, but since it is the tax d-day and H just submitted his W2s, I will be spending it in line at the post office with the other 26 million late tax payers. I wonder how many of them are dealing with A's and taxes at the same time?!!?!?<P>Again, thanks to you all for your support. I will make it because I have to and because I have such a wonderful support group. Thanks for taking time from your problems and your busy schedules to be there for me.<P>Mahalo,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Orchid,<P>I had 3 miscarriages during our 6 years of infertility problems and can empathize with your pain. For some strange reason, I found that other people were not eager to even acknowledge the emotional pain of miscarriages. It was like they were really uncomfortable talking about it so I never felt like I could even let my sadness show. I actually got more support from a couple of men i worked with whose wives had had miscarriages (they cried with me) than most of the women I knew. I think it may be too scary for women. I mean it may be such a painful thing to even contemplate that they don't want to think or talk about it.<P>In any event, I feel your pain and wish some peace for you today. My sister kept reminding me that those little souls would be waiting for me in heaven. On my busy days I think about that and panic -- 6 kids in heaven. But then I calm myself with the thought that the angels would surely help, right? If you can, contemplate with joy your reunion with that little one at some future date! <P>My prayers are with you. As you said, it is a lot to deal with on top of all the pain from the A.

Orchid - To say I understand your sadness may be awkward coming from a male, but my wife's affair started around father's day, two months from the first anniversary of my 8 1/2 year old son's death. This was clearly a contributor to the affair. OM was a pallbearer.<P>This sadness will pass, but your memory will linger, as it should. I am thriving and so shall you.<P>WAT

To: Exhausted & WAT,<P>Dear Exhausted,<P>Thanks for your experience and support. It is truly hard. My SIL has had 3 miscarriages. I never really understood what she went through. She & I got close after the birth of my son. Prior to that she was nice but a bit distant. <P>Mothers that have gone through this have taught a lot where to place my values. The hard part for me is the emotions. Just when I think I am in control again, wham! Another emotional dump. Can't get the hang of this stuff. From what I have read, this could be a reocurring thing. I hope to do better next year. There is no memory place I can go to to remember my child, so I must find a place of consolement. I like the beach, maybe I can go there and send off balloons like Kathi suggested. <P>Dear Wat,<BR>Actually I am glad you responded. H said that men don't really understand this kind of thing a woman goes through. While a part of me believes him, I am hurt that there is not enough empathy. After all this was his child as well. Yes, he was not as close since I was the one carrying the child but neither of us really had a chance to develope a relationship with this baby. <P>I appreciate your sensitivity in this area. You have shown me that a man can still be a man yet care about precious life. Both you and your wife may be in your grieving process in your own way, I extend my sympathy for you and your family. My grandmother said that the hardest thing to go through in life is the death of your child. She is right. Even more painful that losing a spouse. <P>Yet my grandmother (she lost her daughter to leukemia at 19 years and 2 husbands both before she was 35), was a remarkable woman and went on to raise 7 children along with many grandchildren who loved her dearly. If my grandmother was here now, I know she would be able to help me through these hard times. I did not have it as rough as her. <P>Her first husband committed suicide due to an A. and her second husband (my grandfather) died of a hernia rupture. This was back in the 30- 40's without the aid of any welfare programs. In return she raised hard working and successful children (my father and his siblings). <P>She is a model for me today. I miss her dearly. I am glad you wrote to me. You helped me to recall my grandmother's memory, this is good for me. <P>Thank you both so much,<BR>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 16, 2001).]