I'm just so damn sad tonight. How did I go from being a middle class married stay-at-home mom to a single, working again single mom home alone on a Friday nite? This is not how I envisioned my life. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself..... I wanted so much more for me, for my husband, for my boys. WHAT HAPPENED? Believe me, I know where I went wrong in the marriage - I got lazy, I thought it could wait until later, I didn't put him first.... But I thought that is what having small kids was about. I thought he woudl love me forever, just like I will love him forever. Yet, I sit alone and he has OW. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mommy, and I have failed. I have failed my husband and I have failed my boys. Does anyone feel the way I do? Does anyone relive the past contantly? What could I have done differently? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I GET OVER IT?

Oh Living with memories, I'm so sorry you are feeling how you are!!<P>I justed wanted to say I'm sorry you are sad and you are in my thoughts and prayers!<P>I give you my strength, hugs and many prayers.<P>K

I'm so sorry that you are feeling as bad as you are, yes I too have felt and thought many of the same things that you <BR>have expressed, sometimes I just give in to the pity and have a good ole pity party, I usually feel better the next day, someone would probably say that it is grief or mourning that you are going through and that you must go through it.<P>I know that I got complaceint(sp) about my marriage and just figured it was a good one and that I didn't need to do anything to keep it that way, so I didn't. I am not sure what happened on his part. We had been married just shy of 20 years, when he told me about the girl he left behind when he joined the AF 23 years before and that he had been communicating via e mail and phone with her more recently.<P>Oh well I am at work and must go! Just didn't want you to feel alone! You are not there are mnay of us out here with our own stories and that is sad.<P>Have the Pity party and then forget about it!

LWM,<P>I am also sorry to hear you are feeling so badly.<BR>Many of us here have been in that exact position on many occassions. We all go through periods of wondering what we did wrong or could have done better. Allow yourself time to heal and don't expect that you will ever "get over it" - I'm not sure if anybody ever does completely. It will always be a part of my life, although it's significance is diminishing a bit more each day. You have not failed your boys or your husband. You and your husband may have failed each other, and he failed when he didn't come to you with his doubts and concerns feelings of neglect and went to OW instead. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! remember that.<BR>Have your good old fashioned cry and then do something special just for you.<BR>Light some smelly candles and have a bubble bath after the kids have gone to bed. <BR>Rent a silly movie (romances just depressed me more when I was down in the dumps). <BR>Dye your hair. <BR>Make a cake for your boys and tell them it's "just because" - their faces will brighten your day. Give them hugs. <BR>Reach out to friends. <BR>Do you have anybody who can take the kids for a couple of hours?? Go on a girls night out.<BR>Just spend a little time focusing on you and doing something to make you feel better.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited April 21, 2001).]

You ask does anyone feel the same way? I could have written your post. I put my 3 little boys first and thought my marriage could wait since we'd been married so long by the time we had kids. I somehow thought I was "above" all that advice about making sure you were spending time on your marriage after you had kids. I thought that was for all those newly married youngsters.<P>Well in putting the kids first, I ironically put their happiness in jeopardy now that H has OW. He has certainly committed the greater wrong, but it is mommy h*** knowing that I probably helped create the conditions.<P>I'm sure you know this, but I'll say it for both of us. All we can do is change the future. Concentrate on being the best mommy you can be and the most loving woman you can be. Whatever you did "wrong," it did not merit what your H is doing now. You are not responsible for his bad decisions. Your "wrong" sounds a lot like mine -- thoughtless neglect. I don't know your whole situation, but your H seems to have made some conscious decions to hurt you and the family by having an A and continuing it after you found out. That may not totally excuse whatever you were doing in the marriage, but YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE and you have not failed your family. Maybe you lost sight of some of your priorities for a while, but did you ever get the chance to fix it? Did your H ever draw your attention to it? Or did he suffer silently and then find OW?<P>What I'm trying to say is that your H's actions do not reflect on you. Don't take that burden. Are you in plan A? If so, do it with all your might and deliberately look for ways to be a great mom. This might help you refocus your anguish and guilt.<P>I too am home alone tonight and feeling more sorry for myself than I have in a long time. It is always worse when my kids (6,4, and 2 year old boys) are gone. I never used to leave them (part of our problem) and the ultimate punishment for that is this forced separation from them. I usually can't even stay in the house when they are gone. I did have to come home and sleep though.<P>Hang in there! Let all those emotions out and have a good cry and tomorrow will feel a little better.

Dear Living with Memories:<P>I hate to see you blaming yourself so much for what has happened. This is a common problem which we often mess up on...forgetting how vunerable a H is to our loving care and attention. But our physical nature sometimes gets in the way...this is the way nature programed us so that the species could survive or a least have the best chance of survival. Add into this mixture the hectic turmoil of the everyday life of a wife and you have a formula for creating an affair...but it's not intentional...and it's under the control of WS to call attention to our failure and not to try and self-medicate himself with other women. <P>If you really feel like this is your fault then you need to get busy and do what you can to be the type of wife you want to be in the future...remember the A will probably end eventually and you need to be concentrating on what you "can" do to get your marriage back together. If this never happens then you will be better prepared for the next relationship and won't make the same mistake.<P>Don't give up though...all this is survivable and correctable. Don't be so hard on yourself...we all make mistakes...may with MB you have a second chance.<P><BR>Faye<P><BR>Faye

Dear Liv,<P>No I never imagined myself as a single parent, alone and posting here on the computer at 1:32am. But I have been doing this now for almost 3 months. <P>I want to say that you are not a failure to your children and husband. We each may have things to work on but none of us deserve what has been thrown in our faces. <P>Recognizing where we may have gone wrong is progress. Fixing those issues to the best of our ability is also progress. Keeping our children safe and wanted is progress. These are things we can do on our own. <P>Now the rest is up to our Hs. I too put us as a family, work, his family etc. ahead of him personally. H on the other hand put himself ahead of all of us. Taking himself out to someone who would also put him ahead of his family is what he did to himself and us. There are many OPs who would gladly take our place. They don't know what that means but they sure like to try. In fact they think they know better than us. In some cases because of the confiding of family info to the OP, they do know more. Whatever the case may be, WSs went outside the family arrangment on their own accord. <P>Coming back to their families is something they not only need to see, appreciate but also want to do. Why they lose that desire is beyond my comprehension and even theirs. <P>Until they figure it out and come back.... This is my life. <BR>It is something that we can work with. It is not impossible to handle. A bit rough maybe but that is why we are here. You have been given some good advice and I want to encourage you to let us help each other. <P>Take care,<BR>L.<BR>

LWM.<P>Know excatlly how you feel. All I ever wanted to me was a wife & mommy, yes I feel like I failed at both. We put our boys first, as my H travled 40 to 60% a yr, now I am told constanly how we have nothing in common, I have kept him from doing things, etc.<P>Everyone has all ready said all the good encouraging parts. Just know that they are right & you are not the only person who feel this way.

The family as a unit SHOULD come first, before any individual members. It is not a competition. At different times, any particular member may require more attention, but that is in no way unreasonable or unfair to the others. <P>Affairs happen when the WS stops putting the family before him or herself, either out of depression or selfishness. "You put the kids ahead of me," is just another selfish excuse (and one of the very few that my H has not ever used, thank goodness).

I agree with Nellie 100%! <P>I am an almost stay at home mom (I work 10 hours per week) with 3 small children and my H. is a WS. I feel no guilt or remorse in putting my children and family first. I feel it was up to H. to tell me that he was feeling neglected and that I needed to do a better job at meeting his needs (I am not a mind reader)--he is the one that failed in that area, and because he didn't voice those feelings, he dived into an affair, so who is at fault--HE IS!<P>So please don't blame yourself and feel you are to blame for what has happened. I agree that I may have failed somewhat in meeting my H's needs, but I also feel it was up to him to let me know that that was happening in the first place so I could better the situation. I was never given that opportunity...

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. It is a normal reaction to what you are experiencing...even though being normal isn't much solace I know.<P>Small children demand a lot of time and energy...they can't do things for themselves and need supervision and care. This is part of parenting. As they grow, they become more independent and able to care for themselves. Unfortunately, many parents fall into the trap of believing that the children must always come first. The reality is that the order of importance should be the marriage, then the children, then the individual and everything else. And for the person who considers themself a Christian, their relationship with God should be before anyone and anything else in their life. The best gift parents can give their children is a strong, healthy marriage. Unfortunately we often learn this when we have already made the mistake of not giving our marriages enough attention and care and must try to pick up the pieces.<P>The good news is that it isn't too late. Even if you are divorced, you can still begin to teach your children the lessons that you have learned. As they grow and become adults, you can share with them the mistakes that you made and help them avoid them. I believe one of the most important things we need to teach young people about marriage is that it is <B>always</B> a work in progress. You never stop needing to maintain your relationship and working to make it stronger and better.<P>As has already been shared, no matter what you have or haven't done, you didn't deserve for your husband to have an affair. This was his choice and the blame belongs solely to him. I realize it is easy to blame yourself, but your only responsibility is your mistakes in your relationship. If you are willing to see them and work to rectify them, then you are on the right track. My suggestion is to work on yourself no matter what your husband is doing. Get into counseling and read about how to build and maintain a strong marriage. You can't lose by doing this....if your husband returns to the marriage, then you are ahead of the game in healing...if he doesn't then you are still on the path to healing. You really can't lose by taking the right steps toward healing.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

LWM<P>I too have pity parties. I too have 3 small kids, 5,3,2 and a SAHM. I too have a WS. He is living with the #2 OW. First A lasted 1 year or so and he just moved in with #2 3+ weeks ago.<P>I too neglected my H however, when he first started his A, My kids were 1.5, 2.5, 4. The only one to take care of these kids were me, he did help however, no family support and all friends busy with thier own families. I also had PP depression. My father died of cancer 2 months before my first was born. While i neglected the marriage, he neglected us. And more importantly, we needed him to be less selfish than he was but somehow was incapable of doing that and presently is stil incapable. I know about the fog and all that but it doesn't Justify what he has done.<P>We were married 8 years before kids. We have kids and boom he is gone. yaeh for me, Yaeh for the kids. While I am upset that he "left me" I really am upset that he is so selfish that he took his children's future stable family life away. That I don't know if I can forgive. <P>You did not fail as a Mommy and never forget it. You are there protecting them, loving them unconditionally and your H failed as a DAddy. You failed each other in marriage but that doesn't mean it isn't fixable. I think most marriages are fixable. It takes time, effort, compromise, God, love and a willingness.<P>Don't look at yourself as a failure. Join a group, any kind. Do something for you because YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO.<P>Sometimes I think moms forget that we have needs and are important too and if we don't take care of ourselves, who will take care of the kids. DAD? <P>I was told by a C that the number one thing that helps kids get thru divorce is the EMOTIONALLY STABILITY of the custodial parent. Take care of yourself for you and for them.<P>Hopelessmom

I am afraid to state my true feelings here as I am sure I will be kicked off MB for life <P>There is a message in all these posts. Read between the lines.<P>Your kids will love you forever-no matter what-so make it a point to show them how much you love them.<P>I think the most important things I have learned from my experience are that<P>#1-Men and Women do NOT think alike-period.<P>#2-We never truly know anyone.<P>Best of luck!!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

You are NOT a failure. Which one of you is willing to look at mistakes you both made together and work on them to build a wonderful marriage? YOU, not him. We are not the runners.<P>I often think the same thing....this is not what I wanted, not how I EVER envisioned my life. My situation is a bit different, in that it was my wife that was a stay at home mom, and we never spent time apart from our kids. Like Exhausted said, in retrospect we probably should have gotten out more, but we didn't. Now I get to not kiss them goodnight 6 out of 14 nights. That stinks.<P>Anyway, I can't add any more than what the others have said. The whole thing is kind of surreal in a crappy way...you step back and think....how did this happen and what will it lead to. Who knows. Just do your best and be your best, and give your kids all your love. Take care.

Thanks for all the kinds words and support. I'm better tonight. Still depressed, but not having a pity party... I don't blame myself for H having an affair - but I just wish I could go back a couple of years with what I know now! There seems to be little reason to hope for WS to come back. Plan a was not a specialty of mine. Currently, I am in plan b, I guess. <P>I know that I am the one who is willing to work on the marrige and he is not. I think I may be beating myself up for what I did not do when I had the chance... Not good to look back, I know. This terrible loss and void seems to be present all of the time. How do you fill it back up?<P>Heartache:<BR>After reading all the threads today, I don't think you need to worry about getting kicked off MB. Maybe you could spell it out a little for me - I'm such a literal person...<BR>

Hi, Living,<P>Did I ever think this would be my life? Oddly enough, yes. I did consider that possibility. This is my second marriage as a BW. The first marriage was more than 15 years ago, when I was quite young (19). My first husband killed our love by having an A before our weddding (while we were engaged, he gave me a disease - told me that I must have caught it from a toiler seat, no lie!), shortly after our honeymoon, and for most of the duration of our marriage - until the OW (who was married) eventually went back to her H.<P>So I went into my second marriage, and BOOM! It happened again. I wasn't planning on it happening ... but I realized that it could, and I realized that lightening does strike twice. I spent 10 years after my first marriage beating myself up, feeling like sh*t, and not trusting men or my judgment in men for the most part. I got burned very badly. But comes a time when you have to realize that bad things happen to good people - sometimes more than once - and that you *will* live through it. I did once - and I did it again. <P>Don't take it personally. You seem like a lovely, caring individual with the right priorities. If your H didn't believe in his own family and put them first, it's a reflection of him - not you. Okay? Blessings,<P>belld

Belldandy:<P>I cannot even imagine the pain you are in - for this to happen TWICE to one person? And you aren't filled with self-recriminations? Not that you deserve it, but as a BS, I have SO little self-esteem left. And I spend so much time wondering what I could have done differently and wishing I could push the clock back INSTEAD of accepting that this is about the selfishness of my WS. <P>Your attitude is admirable. I'm trying very hard to get to the point that I can say, like you, that the A is THEIR problem.... At what point did you finally give up hope for reconciliation (both times) and move on? Against my better judgement and ALL of my family, his family and our friends, I still harbor some hope that he will "wake up" one day even though he has "faked" at reconciliation numerous times - and each time I believed him only to have my heart (and my boys')broken AGAIN.

Hi Living,<P>I think that my first marriage was an anomaly. I was very sexually inexperienced when I married my first ex - as in, I'd only had one sexual encounter with another man, a boyfriend I had in my senior year of high school. I knew just as much about sex as I did nuclear fission, and I know that it showed. My first ex, OTOH, was 10 years older and very experienced. His OW *was* truly just a roll in the hay, and I was truly the one that he loved. He just came from a patriarchal family where that kind of thing was tolerated. Not to make excuses for him - but to explain that I *know* that in the first marriage, I was absolutely, completely, and totally not to blame in any way, other that I married someone who was out of my league, sexually and emotionally. If I wanted to get married, I should have done it with one of my peers, someone who had less expectations of me. As it stood, I had too many expectations of my first X.<P>But I learned a lot in the years after our divorce. My second H and I are still together, BTW. I followed the Harley Plan A/Plan B plan as best as I could. I implemented Plan B with dispatch, gently but firmly, as soon as I discovered that H was still lying about talking to and seeing the OW. And I made him stay away until he proved to me - and until it was obvious - that it was over. I got lucky in that the XOW got clingy and possessive and a little nutty. My H was suddenly very scared at what he got into, and sobered up. I think that the fog cleared by for him very quickly, to be honest. After he came home the second time, I was loving, caring, tender, and forgiving. I didn't blame my H or scream at him. I accepted him. I didn't necessarily feel all of those things, but I did them anyway, according to the Harley plan. In the meantime, the XOW was calling at all hours of the night, hacking our email, calling his cell phone anonymously every hour on the hour, sending me letters, etc. All I had to do was react with grace and patience, even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. <P>So there is a way to get a BS back - that is, if you still want them. I believe that there is a point of no return, and that we, as spouses, know instinctively in our gut when that time is. Like I did with my first H. After a year, my love for him just clicked off, like someone turning off a light. Your companion through this will be time, Living. I can't predict what the future holds. If you and your H end up together, and that's what you want, that's super. If you don't, and you make a better life for yourself, that's super too. No matter what happens, though, the pain still persists. <P>Think of this: If your H came back tonight, can you honestly say that you'd be happy again, just like that? You wouldn't. I promise you, it's a long, long old haul.<P>blessings,<P>belld

During my 2+ year saga, I asked myself that many, many times. I never thought I'd be in such limbo at middle age. I still feel "afraid" to unpack everything in my subconscience. I'm beginning to wonder if one ever gets completely over such an ordeal. Hang in there. Although the feeling don't go away, they get easier to deal with.