terri - your honesty and sense of right vs wrong will keep you out of trouble. Don't feel guilty for feeling tempted or even fantasizing. All normal stuff, I believe. You know where to draw the line and you obviously have the fortitude to do it.<P>Dave

Hey, Terri! Know what? I'm not worried about you. No matter how it feels to be desired, I just know you won't cross that line! We've all been too far for that, huh?<P>Now, a little distancing might be appropriate, huh? 'Specially if folks are talking.<P>Love ya!<P>Lori

Thanks, Dave and Lori, for the votes of confidence. I feel a bit like the "Little Engine that Could" here... LOL!<P>Seriously, mostly I have the same confidence in me that you have... but I also realize how easy it is for an affair to happen, so I will definitely be watching my step.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<P>Boy this is the craziest night I have had here in a long time. Posting recipes, jokes and the like. <P>You have been there for me through thick and thin. About 7 weeks ago, I had a dream..... Ok, no long speeches but just this. I was in one of those moods where I longed for H. You know. Anyway, I had this dream about George Clooney. Now don't laugh. After that dream (non sexual but very nice), I really did not 'crave' for that affection and sex from H. I actually could take it or leave it. <P>I woke up feeling better about myself, I knew that I could make it without requiring the reassurance from just anyone. I have been keeping busy and find myself at greater peace. I have not been at this as long as many and really do not know how I will be in a year or two. <P>But this was just a suggestion until you are ready for the right person. How about being a big sister or foster parent? Sure wish you were closer to a few of us moms. Only joking. You are an intelligent & fun lady, you deserve to be treated as such. <P>I wish you the well and know you will do what is best for you. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Hi, I'm back again....I had the most horrible thought........<P>I DO have confidence in you, and I'm not in the least worried about what you're gonna do, but here's what crossed my mind.<P>Even if you don't cross the line, damn, I know what I'm feeling, how to put it in words??????<P>During the beginning friendship part of Robert's (and countless others, I'm sure) affair with PT, while I was at home oblivious he was becoming more and more attracted to someone who was (at that point anyway) vivacious, flirting, happy, looking her best, showing interest in him, and on and on, always at her best. And then he had clueless me. It wasn't too long, even before he was interested in her THAT way (or realized he was), that seeing and being friends with someone like that at work made him automatically compare ME to her - NOT always dressed my best, etc. And I was falling short. And my imperfections became glaring problems. So, even if the relationship with them wasn't gonna progress to affair status, it was already impacting the relationship with me - does that make sense?<P>Anyway, that occurred to me last night and I thought I'd throw it out there. <P>Love ya!<P>Lori

Hi Terri...<P>Not sure if you recall any of my post...been quiet for some time.<P>A couple of years ago, I found myself in a similar situation here at work. Very attracted...to another married woman...and the feelings were mutual. This had never been a problem area for me...with 18 years of marriage "under the belt." I was scared...and facinated all at the same time. Life got busy...marriage was on the back burner...was approaching the big 40...and feeling very needy..and drawn to the attraction. But I sure did not want to get involved with an affair.<P>Lo..and behold...I stumbled across MB...and this forum. The information was invaluable to me...and timely. However, I met someone on the boards...who had some needs of their own...and seemed to just 'click' with me. It didn't happen overnight...but we did begin cooresponding more and more. We started emailing...etc...and....well...let me say....it has been quite an ordeal...the most difficult 'roller coaster' ride I have ever been on. <P>I use to write quite a bit...on here...while going through it. I just wanted to caution you...as I can see you have been posting here a lot. This human heart of ours...is pretty needy...and vulnerable...and given the right amount of time and attention....even the most steadfast minds...can cave in..and surrender their hearts to others...<P>I remember way back then...folks waving me off here...regarding my situation at work. Well...nothing ever came of the work situation. But that did not take care of the need in my heart that was going unmet. Sure...you can move, transfere, quit..change jobs...but that...will not take care of the root problem/need.<P>Take care...<p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited April 26, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lostva:<BR><B>Hey, Terri! Know what? I'm not worried about you. No matter how it feels to be desired, I just know you won't cross that line! <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><B>Terri</B>,<BR>I suspect this is true, <B>but</B> I think NoMas points out the danger for <B>anyone</B> quite well.<P>IMO the "line" to not cross occurs when we first feel an attraction to a potential OP. The choice to be made is to distance ourselves from that person or to grow closer to them. "Distance" in this sense is not limited to physical distance, it can mean emotional distance, whether we spend time thinking about them, etc. Once a person makes the choice to begin getting closer they may rationalize and tell theirself "I'll stop at x", whatever "x" is for them. This is very risky!<P>The best analogy I can think of is of a spacecraft passing near a large planet. At a certain distance there is very little attraction, but take the craft closer and it will go into orbit around the planet. Keep getting closer and the gravitational attraction gets stronger until it is impossible for the craft to escape.<P>You may have to be around this guy physically, but it's up to you how you respond. If you really want to escape you have to choose to distance yourself now. Choosing to enjoy the company of someone you are attracted to while telling yourself you'll stop at a certain point is a recipe for disaster.<P>Anyway, that's how I see it. I'm not trying to lecture you, or tell you anything you don't know. I just want to encourage you to do that right thing which you already know to do and want to do.<P>Steve<BR>

Terri,<BR>All the above is very good advice but you are fighting a battle that is between logic and emotion. The two very often do not live in the same house for very long and unfortunately emotion usually wins out cause of it's ally, rationalization. I already noticed some of the rational in your posts. I am going to say something and hope you don't hate me....YOU WILL BECOME A SLUG TO THIS MAN'S WIFE... if you keep going there. My suggestion is stop playing the game... sit this guy down and say in no uncertain words that this is the way it is... people are already talking, comments are being made, we are going down a path that I am unfortunately too familiar with only from the receiving end. You need to stop the verbage (the game playing).... just my opinion.... Sorry if I upset you...<BR>Michael

Weighing in at a late date...<P>I agree with a lot of what mkn is warning you about, terri, but the big issue is that if you actually sit the guy down and tell him that, you could be leading yourself straight into the affair (I'm sure you know the advice from SAA of which I'm referring to).<P>I'd maintain your distance. Stop being friendly to the guy. You simply can't afford this friendship.<BR>

Hi Terri,<P>Me again. After quickly reading these posts, I just wanted to add that one of the things I have learned here is that I am the only one in control of myself. <P>With that, I am the one who can allow or make myself have an A or not. Real or not, I am the one who can control where I take my feelings not anyone else. <P>Just wanted to share that with you. This is not just for you but something I need to be reminded of as well.<P>You are again a great person who deserves to have good things in your life also. You take care and be good. (oh, I meant that in a nice way).<P>L.

Taking a minute to post from work...<P>I appreciate all the concern - And I am altogether too aware of the issues here. I have been attempting to occupy myself with other things, other thoughts, other people. And it is helping a great deal.<P>I am DEFINITELY NOT going to sit him down and talk to him about anything to do with this. He has not said a word and I will not say a word about it - some of you may have read my post from a week or two ago about understanding that that level of honesty could easily CAUSE something rather than prevent it.<P>I think I see the point a few of you are trying to make here, and you could be onto something - The more I talk about it, the more I think about it... the more I think about it, the more I <B>THINK</B> about it... and it could become self-fulfilling ...<P>Did I get it right? <P>Self talk ... "Nope, don't go there - he's a nice guy, but married ... and, for that matter, so am I!"<P>For that matter, he is also 12 years younger than I am ... what is it with me and the younger men????? <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>Ah, younger men, well y'see, when women reach our age, a time of experience, and younger men have...plus...<P>Oh <P>I forgot, my job is to keep my mind on my H <P>And Guard is younger than me, anyways.

Forgot something I especially wanted to address: Lori, I do completely understand what you are saying.<P>I need to let you all know that the only person who's feelings I am sure about is ME. I've mentioned before that this guy is a very nice, smart, funny and kind person who is affectionate with ALL of his female friends in much the same way as he has been with me. Thinking about this as I read Lori's message and re-reading other responses on this thread made me think about the FACTS of the matter here...<P>Looking at our interactions as objectively as I am capable of doing, and comparing them with his interactions with other females I know, there is really no difference. He is not treating me any differently than he treats anyone else. He said something the other day in the office during a conversation that a few of us were having that made me think about this... We were discussing some of the differences between men and women - there were five of us, 3 women and 2 men - and one of the other women said something about not being comfortable around other women and his comment was "I don't hang around much with other guys - I'm more comfortable around women."<P>I guess I'm trying to say that he is probably not interested at all - this is just the way he IS... nothing put on special just for me.<P>And if I remember that, it will be easier for me, I think.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

K,<BR>I see where you are coming from.... I guess my contention is that it is all in the presentation. I would absolutey agree with you if Terri talked in a flattering tone, trying to save his feelings. But on the other hand if she were to deliver the message in a way that portrays that she is not going to play this game and wants it to stop it would be met with a different result. I also contend that the distance will ultimately not be kept and the attraction will win out if something aggressive doesn't happen. All the logic in the world cannot offset the avelanch of good feelings you get when someone pays attention to you when all you live for is attention.... jmho...

mkn, don't know if you got the opportunity to read my response before you posted yours to K... but this guy is NOT pursuing me in any way. For all I know, the attraction could be completely one-sided ... For me to sit down and talk to him about anything to do with this would be to bring an element into the relationship that might not even truly be there on his side. It would do more harm than good in the long run. If there was an attraction for him as well, talking about it in any way brings the situation to a different level... and if there is not, well, then I would simply be making it very difficult for us to work together without it being very awkward. It would make the situation worse.<P>No, the only person who needs to deal with this right now is ME. By posting here, I have stepped back into the light from a kind of a gray zone I felt like I was heading into. The support I have gotten here has been incredibly helpful to me in that respect.<P>Thank you all.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<P>I am glad to see you in charge of yourself. Yes, we are not so tough that we can not feel. <P>I would like to send you on a mission, if I may. On the p/c site, someone is now posting in the jokes thread. Is there anything anyone can do? I have sent a couple of threads up. <P>Hope I am not doing a bad thing. I just don't like those who are the bully type. <P>Sorry to barge in on your thread.<P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

Terri,<BR>I did not read before I lept.... sorry. I understand where you are coming from but by the same token if people are noticing I doubt it is as one sided as you say, or this guy is fishing. What kind of things does he say about his wife/marriage at the office or in conversation. If he treats all the females with the same attentiveness, I am wondering if he is looking for something. <BR>Boy does this sound paranoid but having gone thru this and also seeing what goes on in offices and the games that people play I don't trust motives anymore. I am probably projecting my distrust on your situation and for that I apologize. You have been put through a bunch of crap as we all have here and you just don't need any more...<BR>Since it sounds like you cannot be separated from this person at the office, I believe that the battle will continue inside you. When you feel weak and want to react come back here....<BR>mkn

<P>You can be darn sure that is exactly what I'll be doing!<P>Thank you all again!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I wanted to post an update here: Things have settled down for me, and I've been able to step way back (mentally/emotionally) from the entire thing. Maybe all the talking about it here helped more than I anticipated - or maybe the fact that I have been MISERABLY stricken with allergies these last few weeks has just gotten me by for THIS month. I know for certain that I will not be letting down my guard on this situation.<P>I wanted to address something that I suddenly "got" from lostva's and NoMas's posts... <P>I think I am 'hearing' that, no matter whether I might feel strong about this and be able to simply walk away, that HE might be attracted in any way to me is a bad thing because it amounts to an inappropriate emotional involvement ... which is damaging to a marriage regardless of whether or not the emotional involvement is two way.<P>In other words, it could have the potential of giving him excuses to find fault with his wife and/or marriage?<P>:: this is a difficult one... I know that Dr. Harley disapproves of friendships between members of the opposite sex who are married to other people. I don't happen to agree with that one - partly because I have always been able to better relate to men than other women, and partly because some of my best friends are men.<P>The only person's behavior I can control is my own. BUT if I see that my behavior could be encouraging an inappropriate ummm ... 'connection' between us, it is up to me to cut that connection right off, huh?<P>Need to ponder and sleep ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<P>Hope you had a nice restful sleep and can catch this post in the morning. These allergies are keeping me up at night and making me into a fright. Only joking. <P>You are a person created to love and be loved. One day you will be free to find that right person to give you what you deserve. In the meantime, honey, keep yourself busy (easier said than done), know that you are saving yourself for the right one well worth the sacrafice. Having respect for yourself is one of the highest honors a person can give themselves and be proud of it. <P>Without being too prudish, you can do it Terri. You have amazing qualities that many of us wish we could possess. You have been an inspriration to many (self included) and we want to continue to benefit from your assistance. Ok, no more pressure here. Just wanted to let you know you are love and wanted. <P>As an extended family, we want to make sure the right one for you is..... pre-approved by us?!?!?! Just kidding. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.