Here is a somewhat different question. Spring is here, and after a cold winter (not as bad as usual) everyone is now outside again. You see everyone that you might not have seen all winter. I discovered that a couple of people on the next street over know that my wife and I are separated. The cat slipped out of the bag because of my wife's job I guess, among other things. I think some neighbors don't know though.<P>Do you attempt to hide the fact that you are separated, or not? I don't tell everyone at work, and I don't give details to many at all. But what about neighbors that you might run into most nights when you are out with your kids for a walk? I guess it is an individual thing, and maybe silly to ask anyone what they do, but I'm curious.<P>My status quo has been to keep quiet about it, but somehow when people ask questions about how my wife is doing and mention that they never see her outside, it seems a bit funny not to just tell them that she doesn't live here. This has happened a couple of times since it got warm.<P>I'm just curious as to what others have done in these ackward situations. To be quite honest, I doesn't make much difference to me now whether people know the situation or not (not the A, just separation).<P>Any comments?

Well, Rick,<P>You really don't need to tell them anything...but you can<BR>if you want to, it's up to what you think they should know<BR>or shouldn't know..they could be a great support system<BR>for you though..

Hi Rick,<P>In my case the neighbors had to know. At least those on both sides of me. They are both retired people. H made a few scenes and they were checking on me to make sure everything was ok. Both neighbors are older and while they have their own opinions, they have been supportive and not opininated. I respect them for that. The Sheriff's dept showed up on 2 separate occasions. Work knows, some neighbors and friends are beginning to find out. It is not a secret, but I am not broadcasting it to the world. <P>H is angry that more people find out, H thinks they will assume it is because of he is having an A. Guilty? Yes. Correct assumption? Well, how many reasons are there that would make a man move out of his house and leave his family? I am not going to make up a reason and tell a lie. Go figure. <P>If H does not want his reputation ruined then he should not do anything that would make people think that. They don't think that about me. <P>Isn't it funny, they want to play but not pay. Those fogheads. <P>L.

Thanks for the replies. My wife (WS) doesn't seem to thrilled about people knowing this stuff. It is OK for her entire new world of friends to know, because of course they accept her for everything she is now. But she doesn't like anyone from the past knowing much.<P>They want to play but not pay is exactly right.<P>My next door neighbors on one side don't know. I heard from another neighbor that they are unhappy that I would not agree to pay for half the fence they put up last October. My wife was about to move out, and I was financially strapped, not knowing if I'd be able to stay here in our house.<P>Orchid, your statement about people being able to figure out the situation based on him leaving his family applies to my wife too. A woman leaves the nice family home and moves into a smaller one, having her kids 6 out of 14 nights every two weeks....DUH. Wonder what could be up??? <BR>

Dear Rick,<P>I ran into this very situation this week because it finally was warm enough to go to the neighborhood playground. I was chatting with the neighbors like nothing was wrong and then I had this thought that at some point this spring/summer I was going to have to tell people why H was never at the park with us and I was certainly not going to make up stories so it would be much easier to just mention it now and get it over with. It also hit me that not telling them made it feel to me like I had something to be embarrassed about.<P>They were very shocked and supportive which felt okay because it's nice to have supportive neighbors, especially if you have kids. It's obviously your call, but I'd mention that you're separated if anyone asks about W. I actually told my neighbors that H left me and it was not my idea because I couldn't stand for them to think that I would willingly do this to my kids.<P>Good luck!

Exhausted,<P>Anyone that I do tell, I do have a problem not adding some remark just as you stated, ie. that it is not my choice/idea, but that I can't change it. I too, couldn't stand for someone to think that I would willingly do this to my kids.<P>Do you tell them anything about OW and A...I'm assuming probably not. I wouldn't intend on going that far. Just the separation.<P>Most of my conversations take place between my house and the playground, since I live right behind one. It is a busy spot there!<P>Thanks for your thoughts, because your experience this week is exactly what I'm running into. Tomorrow will be another busy playground day....

I told everyone. But I've always led my life that way. I've never felt like I had anything to hide. H. cheated, not me. If he cared so much about what the world would think then he shouldn't have done it. And yes, I've talked all along about any problems I've been having. It's interesting because people always open up to me too, soon as we meet and establish some sort of bond. Life is too short to feel embarassed or ashamed of living it, and all of this garbage that we are all living through is just another part of life. <P>My H. hates it. He's told a friend or two and not the whole story, not the extent of his infidelity. Still pretending to be someone he's not, I think. <P>Maybe if you look at yourself as someone in marriage with a person who betrayed you, rather than simply identifying yourself as a betrayed spouse, it makes it easier to talk to others. Just a thought.

Hi Rick - somewhat like Snowwhite, I am brutally honest. That said, since my wife's OM WAS a neighbor, word got around very quickly to the other neighbors we are close to. I am not embarassed by it, but she obviously tells people a different story. She has told many people variously that she left me because I was "abusive" (revisionist history), or I left her if they don't live close by. Gradually, this has come back to haunt her because it doesn't make sense why a mother would not also take her child from an "abusive" husband and no one believes that I could hurt a fly - and since I still live in the house with my son, the dogs and the au pair it's obvious that I didn't leave. At the same time, our whole community was a great support during our younger son's battle with cancer, so I assume many who know the details correctly associate his loss to our situation. I don't advertise her affair, but I don't try to cover for her, either. You play the role, you pay the toll.<P>Good topic to discuss.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited April 22, 2001).]

This is a god thread. It took me a long long time to even tell me family. Just a few of my close girl friends knew - and a couple of really good male friends (both gay) - lately I have been more open - told my mother only three weeks ago. She has been wonderfully - and surprisingly - supportive. I decided to be absolutely honest - ie H and I are separated; we have had difficulties for some time - and, if asked - or depending on the peole - yes, there is an OW. H is furious - and has gone to extreme lengths for his work colleagues not to know - but he and OW do have mutual friends. The only place I have not been honest is at work - I am the boss; and generally the culture at work is of (seemingly) happy families; christian beliefs; and the occasional affair has been much discussed. It will do me a lot of damage. But, consistent with my general values - I can not be dishonest about it - H cannot understand that - but then again, he has become a master of deception. I do sometimes wonder OW has felt about being kept such a secret? After all she is single and has no family. And I wonder why H is so adamant that I should not tell anybody?

Rick,<P>If they ask tell them. Like Dave said if you want to play the role you have to pay the toll. think that was right<P>None of my neighbors ever asked in the 6 months my H lived somewhere else but as he travled so much it was hard to tell. He always left his car in our driveway when he was gone on trips just like always. I found out later one of my nieghbors knew something was going (i would have gussed she did) as she notice that my H left every night around 10 & his car was never there in the mornings but we were never home during the yr with me going back to work & sport commitment of OS.<P>

I was always honest - and all of my neighbors know. We were new in the neighborhood - we had only lived there 6 months before H moved out. <P>At first it made me crazy, because my neighbors were always watching to see how often he was coming over etc....<P>But as my pregnancy progressed - they were a Godsend. Knowing that I was home alone with the children 24/7, they often did things like mow my lawn, trim my bushes, and just in general kept an eye out for me.<P>My H was mad because he didn't like his bad image. Why on earth would he care about what the neighbors thought...he barely knew them!!<P>I was thinking today, after hearing YET ANOTHER song on the radio glorifying affairs....that our society has such a fairytale attitude towards love, and it encompasses affairs too. I wonder if that's part of the reason that when our WSs float off to live their "fairytale" come true that when the consequences come due...they are offended. Child support, alimony, divorce, visitation, ruined reputations, destroyed relationships, hurt children...none of these things get mentioned in the fairytale...this is NOT how the story ended!!<P>Our culture SUPPORTS the fog...and they are shocked when the "tale" ends...

Play the role Pay the Toll ... Other sentiment seem to agree -- Ditto from me.<BR>It's amazing to me that the WS has no regards or respect for us, yet when busted does not want to live up to any consequenses -- Human Nature I guess --<BR>It was a bit easy for me in that D-day was 01-17-01- & I had her back 02-08-01<BR>good question!<BR>Hang in there!<BR>HH