ES and I have a friend that is currently having an affair. Her husband knows about her affair and with the encouragement of ES has starting posting on the Just Found Out forum.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000744.html" TARGET=_blank>first post</A><P>What I need help is getting his wife to open up. ES works with her and in the last month has said maybe 10 words to him. At least she hasn't told him to leave her alone. Her husband has told her that she doesn't want people to tell her what to do or not do. I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to figure that one out for herself. I do believe that she needs to have someone to talk to that has been where she is. Someone who has had an affair and knows about all the lies, the fantasy, the fog. How many lives are at stake and what it could do to the kids.<P>I believe that her kids are going to hurt the most. They don't need to be dragged through all of this and wonder if their mommy is going to leave them for self gratification. They need to know that their mommy is always going to be their for them and not choose another man over them. Right now, I have a feeling that she is choosing the OM over her kids and that bothers me. <P>I don't know that if I should try to talk to her in person or send her an email. I have gone to her house a couple of times but never really seems to want to talk about her or her affair. But I also haven't forced her to talk about it either. I am not a very forceful person when it comes to making people open up or making them talk. <P>I also haven't gone to her house and kidnapped her either. ES has at least kidnapped her husband and got him to talk. He seems to be better at that type of thing than I am. Maybe it's because I'm scared that I'm going to say something that is going to make her upset with me or mad at me and never want to talk to me again. She has become a good friend to me and I have told her things about me that I haven't told people like my parents.<P>ES has suggested that maybe I email her. Tell her what I think and feel about what is going on and see if she responds that way. If I do it that way, I'm not sure what to say to her. How to word it and if I should put scriputures in it or not. I feel that I should tell her that I know what she is going through to an extent and that I feel what she is doing is wrong. I also feel that she needs to know that God thinks what she is doing is wrong. But I don't want to come across as I'm telling her what to do. She doesn't need to hear that. I feel that she either needs to end the affair and work on her marriage or she needs to end the affair long enough to get a divorce. But she needs to end the affair period.<P>I'm concened about this friend and want to help any way I can. Any suggestions?<P>Just to let everyone know, I am a big conflict avoider and hate bad confrontations. That's just the way I have always been. I have a fear that everyone will always find something wrong if I say or do the wrong thing so if this information changes your advice to me it would still be helpful to hear what everyone thinks.<P>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited April 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited April 22, 2001).]

Email hopeful.<P>You can do this!!! Just reach out, which you do so well <P>Good luck and let us know... maybe even post it first if you want some help with it...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Thanks for the encouragement NB. I think that if I know I have moral support here and moral support from ES about this, I know I can get her to open up. Even if it's just baby steps for awhile. I do think that I need ES's encouragement the most just because he is my husband, but I'm glad that I have support here as well

Baby steps are good. Don't be disappointed if she doesn't want to talk about it, but maybe she DOES need someone to talk to.<P>Go for it!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

You can do it, hopeful! Good to see you, BTW!<P>If you just share your concern for her and tell her how painful your affair was, it will probably open up the conversation for you to share more about what you have learned. <P>If you are afraid of a conflict, then just start with email, but a conversation would probably fall more naturally. So, if there was an easy way for you to spend time together, that might be good.<P>Prayin' for you!

Sheryl -- Somehow I just knew you would be here to offer hopeful support <P>For those who do not know the full story of hopeful and I . . . I have been very frustrated with her at times for not posting/replying to people on this forum. There have been so many times when I read a thread, when I just knew that hopeful could offer support and advise, but she never seems willing to even try.<P>With the situation cocnerning six shooter and his W, I have also had times of frustration with hopeful. There was a time, not all that long ago, when she and six shooters W were very good friends. They were always talking on the phone, online, or in person. (six shooters W is well aware of the problems that have gone on between hopeful and I. She has read many of our posts here as well.) Then when hopeful and I started suspecting that she was invloved in an A, hopeful, not only back away, but almost turned and ran . . .<P>She has seemed to be more comfortable having me attempt to intervene, than has accused me of having my own A with six shooters W.<P>For anyone who may be questioning this . . . I am not now, nor have I ever been involved with six shooters W in any in appropriate way.<P>hopeful has been well aware of the situation and conversations I have had with six shooter. She has tried to talk with six shooter a little as well when he has been here. I think that it her seeing my determination to try and help these friends of ours which has finally helped lead her to the point where she is wanting to begin trying to help.<P>As she has stated, she is very reluctant to do anything which is not going to immediately lead to everyone involved viewing her in a positive light.<P>I believe that she can be a tremendous source of support for six shooters W. . .but I also believe that she is going to need a lot of encouragement and support from the members of this forum.<P>So please everyone . . .help my W to be strong enough to reach out and try to help six shooters W.<P>God Bless

Back to top, Need nore advice please

Honey, you don't need more advice... you can DO this... just DO IT! C'mon, we'll help you, okay?????<P>Write that email... post it here... we'll take a look and advise you...<P>Now get crackin' Hopeful

I KNOW you can do it and I know if you listen to your heart, you'll know exactly how to approach her.<P>And email's a great idea, non-confrontational, sorta, and doesn't require her to react directly to you immediately! We all can use a friend who's been there, done that, and I think you'd be perfect.<P>Besides, I've been reading your stuff for YEARS now...you're better with words than you think!<P>Love,<P>Lori

I'm going to write the email. Will post it here as soon as I feel I'm ready to send it.<P>