when you discovered the A? I've said some mean things, and now my H can't forgive me. Yet I've forgiven him for the A. He says it will just take time, yet he is not interested in talking about our marriage at all.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vernon3:<BR><B>when you discovered the A? I've said some mean things, and now my H can't forgive me. Yet I've forgiven him for the A. He says it will just take time, yet he is not interested in talking about our marriage at all.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well all I can say is that damage done by a loose tongue is far worse than any thing else. I know exactly how you are feeling. See I verbally abused my W on just a coupole of occassions but the damage is done and she does not know if she still wants to married. I wish I could take it all back, but I can not, I wish saying I am sorry would make it all better but it does not. Ask GOD to forgive you, then pray to GOD that your H allows the Holy Spirit to eneter his life and soften his heart and allow him to forgive you. Other than that all you can do is meet what ever EN you can and make deposits into your LOVE BANK as best as you can. The power of prayer does and will work. There is hope your marriage can be restored and be stronger than ever but it takes time and a lot of work.

Well, let's see, I called gim a f*****ng coward, that he wasn't the person I thought he was, that I kept having the "Pycho" fantasy,you know the KNIFE!!<P>Did I hurt him, probably? But those are words, He Had SEX with another woman. He was NOT upset about the coward thing, he agreed and with the next statement,too. The Knife thing bothered him,he said, but you know what? That was 2 weeks after Dday and 8 months later, he doesn't even recall the conversation.<P>Ask your H this...Would he forgive YOU if you had an affair? Or can he just not forgive you for words you used. Not to discount the words, I know how they hurt but was HE nice to you during the A,(my H was meaner during the A than I was after I found out)did he treat YOUR feelings tenderly, with kind words? Can you forgive him, if he wasn't nice? <P>The reason my H held small stuff against me after D Day is because he was still looking for an excuse to justify his having an A. If he could say that I was unloving, well, there's a reason. But I really wasn't much. I was not really mean. He DID use any comment he could jump on but that was pretty lame, even for him. And he says now that I was NOTHING compared to how he would have been if I had an A.<P>Really, if you are getting past INFIDELITY, the worst thing anyone can do to another person, it would seem ,in the spirit of recovery he could get past words said in anger. Dare I say justifiable anger? We have to be careful of their feelings,while they are in withdrawal, I undersatnd, but BSs are human, too and we make mistakes.

vernon3 - don't beat yourself up over this. I bet your words have nothing to do with his reluctance to work on the marriage! IMHO he's still projecting blame on you to cover his own guilt. No words could be worse the actions of a betrayal. Stop apologizing for your reaction.<P>WAT

wow....<P>I think the most hurtful things I ever told my H after I found out was that I regretted ever meeting him and that he was the worst thing to ever happen in my life.<P>I think these things hurt him because before I found out I always thought that we were meant to meet each other and stay together forever. I always told him he was the best thing that ever happened to me.<P>I also said some things that would make a truck driver proud, but I will not post them here

I've also said them all. I got pregnant when I was 17, a senior in high school, and we got married right after graduation (he is the same age). Probably the worst thing I ever said to him was that I regretted ever having our relationship become sexual at that point. He interpreted that to mean that I regretted our daughter, our marriage, etc. etc. At one point he said that he'd never forgive me for it, but of course, he probably doesn't even remember I said it. He doesn't recall much that I said at that point in time....

You name it, I said it at some point before I discovered these boards and Plan A. Even still had some major backsliding with the loose tongue on numerous occasions.

Wounded........<BR>Just for the record i asked my H if he would fogive me if i had the affair and he said no.<BR>maybe we should make a post with this topic so i can go into more detail on why he wouldnt and i have.

I told my Wife that she was morally bankrupt, and that she had not respect for the instution of marriage. Lets see i called her a coward.<BR>And my all time favorite:<BR>I called her a Monkey. and she said a monkey?<BR>and i said yes you cant let go of one vine until you have firm grip on the next vine.<BR>I said many other things, i tend to stray aways from the traditaion cuss words, and go for the colorful statements.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

BioMan:<P>I loved the monkey analogy. I don't really have the opportunity to LB anymore as I am in plan b. I don't regret anything I have said or done since dday. It wouldn't have mattered either way, he was going to do what he wanted to do regardless of my actions. Really, I wish I had "dogged" him more.... I know, against MB principles.

I'm too new on this board... what does LB mean? Pound?

He is hanging it over your head. I said some things to my wife three weeks after her shocking "I want to separate" statement, when I was finally starting to clue in to OM. It was more related to her complete lack of responsibility towards our kids, being out every night till anywhere from 1 - 7AM, then not being able to get up with the kids. I said she had abandoned them, bla bla bla.<P>Anyway, I'm sure she was happy that I said things to her, because it gave her more justification for the fact that she was having an affair. They all need that, and they use it to make us the bad ones.<P>Looking back, I don't believe it had any impact on future events. The affair was already in full swing. So, moral of the story is....don't worry about it, and don't blame yourself. When he is ready to come around, those things won't matter.

I told him he was just like his father(serial cheater), and I would do everything I could to make sure our sons grow up to be nothing like him.

To TwentyNinePalms....LB means Love Buster. Read what you can about the Marriage Builders (MB) concept to get a better understanding of the term. And Welcome! You will find this forum to be a great source of support.

=<p>[This message has been edited by GraceLeigh (edited June 01, 2001).]

Let's see, I said a lot. Hmmm.....<P>H was a wimp, irresponsible, willing to evict his family from their home, willing to dump his family for OW, easily manipulated by OW, a liar, deceitful, disloyal, untrustworthy, disrespectful, unfaithful and more. <P>H felt that as long as he did not say anything bad, he was not doing anything bad. H's actions showed he hated himself and his family. I let know that knew this. I was not going to hide this from him. H needed to see what he was doing to his family and that we knew it. It was very evident to those around us as well. <P>H would never say he hated me, yet his actions screamed it out loud. So I would remind him of how we viewed him based on his actions. When the actions and words matched, this was also acknowledged.<P>H would often say he cared for his family just not as much as he should. While I partially agreed, I often felt that his actions did not show care. Abandonment and neglect of one's family does not show care but rather a form of abuse. This confused state of mind on H's part was fueled by OW while she may have said she was trying to help him help his family, her actions proved to be against us. <P>That push me pull me attitude and conduct was detrimental to our family. It contributed to that awful nauseating roller coaster ride. I could no longer subject myself and my child to those conditions. <P>Am I sorry that I said it? I wish I did not have to. But I would have been doing a discredit to H and his family if I covered it up by not bringing it to his attention. Actually while in the fog, they really don't respond while you are talking in a reasonable way anyway. So I said it for him to think about later and for my benefit to know that I was not being fooled by his fogginess (is that a word?).<P>L.<P><BR>