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#910535 04/26/01 10:01 AM
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I desperately need advice. I have been married 28 years and for the past 10 months have been involved with another man. Although my marriage hasn't been all that great (my husband did have a drinking problem for years - now resolved) and for the past 5 years my husband has been impotent, but he has mellowed and is quite a nice person now. So I became involved with this other man and have never experienced such wonderful love-making as well as enjoying this man's company. However, it will never lead to anything, but somehow, I cannot bring myself to give this relationship up, and therefore am not giving my marriage a proper go. It is driving me mad, as I think about this man constantly.......but deep down I want to work on my marriage. I desperately need help.

#910536 04/26/01 10:22 AM
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Kaz:<P>If you need help, get it. I highly recommend the phone counseling that MarriageBuilder's provides as the fastest way to deal with your situation. Call the office at 888-639-1639 and set up an appointment with either Steve or Jenn Harley.<P>If you've read the website (or Surviving an Affair), you'll know that Dr. Harley refers to an affair as "an addiction". You're an addict. You need to get clean. That means setting up a support system and going cold turkey. Steve or Jenn will help you with this.

#910537 04/26/01 10:25 AM
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Hi Kaz,<P>There is a general welcome post I would like to share with you (please click the link and read it):<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>Read, read, read around the site, and post, post, post your questions and thoughts...<P>You are not alone!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

#910538 04/26/01 10:48 AM
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Kaz - you've found the right place. You are among friends - even those of us who were the betrayed will offer support. You've taken the first big step - maybe the hardest. Take a deep breath and try to relax knowing everything you need is here. This doesn't mean it will be easy, but you'll find many who claim that this place saved them.<P>WAT

#910539 04/26/01 11:09 AM
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Kaz, is your husband willing to see a doctor for meds regarding his impotence? It sounds as if you really do care for your husband. If your H can fulfill your physical needs, maybe letting go of OM would be easier.

#910540 04/26/01 11:09 AM
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Kaz, is your husband willing to see a doctor for meds regarding his impotence? It sounds as if you really do care for your husband. If your H can fulfill your physical needs, maybe letting go of OM would be easier.

#910541 04/26/01 02:05 PM
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Kaz........<BR>I'm thinking........will get back to you.<P>AH [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited April 26, 2001).]

#910542 04/26/01 05:50 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Janie:<BR><B>Kaz, is your husband willing to see a doctor for meds regarding his impotence? It sounds as if you really do care for your husband. If your H can fulfill your physical needs, maybe letting go of OM would be easier.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you Janie for your response. My husband had been a very heavy drinker for years, hence part of the problem for his impotence - and last year he had prostate cancer (he is okay now) and he has tried viagra & some other treatments, but all without much success. This other man is not married, he is divorced (but has does have a lady friend he has been seeing for the past 2 years, but does not want to commit himself to marriage at this stage). Do I love my husband? I think I do or am regaining respect for him (so much died when he was drinking). This other man makes me laugh and I enjoy his company so much, but maybe it is all because I have been with one man since I was 17 and this is all exciting. I know I am hypocritical and I never meant to get myself in this position and it is tearing me apart<P>

#910543 04/26/01 07:30 PM
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Kaz20,<P>What was the timing of your H's cancer and your affair?<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#910544 04/26/01 08:10 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Kaz20,<P>What was the timing of your H's cancer and your affair?<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

#910545 04/26/01 08:13 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Kaz20:<BR><B> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The affair started 3 months prior to learning my husband had prostate cancer.<P>

#910546 04/26/01 08:32 PM
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Kaz20,<P>Sorry to sound so mysterious, but sometimes people react to traumatic events in very strange ways. That doesn't seem to be your situation. This is a very difficult situation you are in for many reasons. But affairs always are difficult.<P>There is little chance for your marriage, with the OM in the picture as I suspect you realize. You will continue to compare your H's weak points to OM's strong points, and pretty soon your H will be the monster of the year, if not decade. It usually works that way, the affair must be justified somehow.<P>You asked for advice, but I suspect you really already know the answer so I won't insult you by giving any. As for help, I would suggest that you read "Surviving an Affair, by Harley. It may give you some insight into what has happened ,what will happen, and what can be done. I would also keep reading here and posting.<P>I think you will see things a bit differently after awhile. I suspect that you already realize that there is nothing particularly unique about this guy, except that he isn't very trustworthy and that isn't even unique in affairs.<P>Sadly, you will have to decide to recapture your marriage. If you do tell your H about this, and it is recommended that you do, then he can actually be of great assistance to you in getting over the addiction to the OM.<P>However, I do worry about the sex angle in your case. Given that your H has had prostate cancer, I suspect the prospect for a normal sex life is not good. The fact that you feel your OM is the best, will not be easy for either of you to get over.<P>All that said, it is possible to rebuild your marriage, and have it much better than before. But you must be dedicated to doing it. That will take a lot of will power on your part.<P>Sorry, I cannot offer you a better answer.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

#910547 04/26/01 11:03 PM
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Thank you AH for your reply. Firstly, I would like to say to you, I never wanted to cheat on my husband or with anyone else's partner. The thought of the pain & anguish it would cause my husband if he knew I could not bear & also the same hurt it would cause another's partner would be devastating as well.<P>Just to give you a little back-ground.......my husband was a very heavy drinker for years (part of problem for impotency & also had prostate cancer last year (is ok now). Many time in those years I wanted to leave, but with 3 young children instead chose to stay. Life was very difficult for quite a number of years & I guess I lost a lot of respect. Whenever we made love (had sex) he was generally intoxicated & therefore gradually I just preferred not to have sex. I am 48 now & I guess we really haven't had a sex life for 5-6 years at least. I didn't think having sex mattered to me (and it still isn't the be all & end all) however I did meet this other man who has stirred emotions/feelings I thought were long gone for me. Besides the wonderful lovemaking, we enjoy each others company immensely. But in saying all that, I know the relationship is not going anywhere, and I know for my own sanity as well as trying to make a go of my marriage, I should let this man go...........but yes, I guess I do feel addicted.....in fact I wish he would end the relationship because I feel that's the only way it can end.<P>The reason I do want to make a go of my marriage is the fact that my husband has given up drinking and has mellowed<BR>and is a much nicer person...........and although sex will obviously not be a part of our life..........there are lots of things we enjoy doing together.....like golf and fishing, and my getting into an affair wasn't just all about sex.<P>Do I love my husband? I think I do, not with a passion.........but am not sure. Do I love this other man..............it seems like I do, but then as he is the only other man I have been with since I was 17, it could be infatuation.<P>Perhaps one part of me justifies what I am doing in sofar as I am not having sex with 2 men.<P>I just don't know how to go about getting my life into order and your advice/comments are very much appreciated.<P>Oh and NO, I would hate the thought of my husband sleeping with another woman. Yes, I am very hypocritical and am very sorry that I fnd myself in this situation. I also could never tell my husband about the affair as it would destroy him.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Almost Happy:<BR><B>Kaz........<BR>First of all....I Love your accent!<BR>Second of all.....<BR>Let's talk about Love. Does your Husband Love you? Do you or Did you, Love your husband for those 28 years? Have a Family?<P>Next, the big question that I have is....if "YOU" were un able to make love to your husband, would it be right, or would you want him to seek out another?<P>I can tell you aren't in Love with this OM. As you will see, on this board, everyone is for saving marriages. Compassion is a big deal. Working and working on getting back what we use to have is our main concerns. Most are on the other end of an affair. The Pain is really bad, much worse then not having a sex life. I know, my Husband has an illness that in the last year has caused impotency, and we have a Deep relationship now, married for 31 years, there is alot more then sex at this stage in your life. You need to think about this.<P>In my opinion, If I were your husband, I know I wouldn't want this to go on....either let him know and let him go, or fullfill your vows, for better or worse. (depending on your feelings for your husband)<BR>You can make this work, you can have a new marriage with your husband. You can make a total break from this OM and re-gain your self respect back. You are lucky, you aren't in love with this OM...or are you?<P>I hope this isn't harsh, and you will forgive me if I was. I am so for marriage and I am so in recovery, even though my husband had an affair for three years....and we are in recovery for 3 years now....see, it can happen!<P>AH [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

#910548 04/26/01 11:19 PM
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Kaz20 Offline OP
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Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. Everything you say of course makes sense. I know what I should be doing but cannot seem to end this relationship. I realy wish this other man would end it, because that seems the only way at this stage.<P>Kaz20<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Kaz20,<P>Sorry to sound so mysterious, but sometimes people react to traumatic events in very strange ways. That doesn't seem to be your situation. This is a very difficult situation you are in for many reasons. But affairs always are difficult.<P>There is little chance for your marriage, with the OM in the picture as I suspect you realize. You will continue to compare your H's weak points to OM's strong points, and pretty soon your H will be the monster of the year, if not decade. It usually works that way, the affair must be justified somehow.<P>You asked for advice, but I suspect you really already know the answer so I won't insult you by giving any. As for help, I would suggest that you read "Surviving an Affair, by Harley. It may give you some insight into what has happened ,what will happen, and what can be done. I would also keep reading here and posting.<P>I think you will see things a bit differently after awhile. I suspect that you already realize that there is nothing particularly unique about this guy, except that he isn't very trustworthy and that isn't even unique in affairs.<P>Sadly, you will have to decide to recapture your marriage. If you do tell your H about this, and it is recommended that you do, then he can actually be of great assistance to you in getting over the addiction to the OM.<P>However, I do worry about the sex angle in your case. Given that your H has had prostate cancer, I suspect the prospect for a normal sex life is not good. The fact that you feel your OM is the best, will not be easy for either of you to get over.<P>All that said, it is possible to rebuild your marriage, and have it much better than before. But you must be dedicated to doing it. That will take a lot of will power on your part.<P>Sorry, I cannot offer you a better answer.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>


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