H is blaming me for the A and that I drove him to it while at the same time telling me that I'm not focusing on trying to fix the problems. I accept the majority of the blame but am really confused as to whether to continue with counselling or to throw in the towel? I really don't believe that our love can be restored because he's so ANGRY??

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Terrified:<BR>[ I accept the majority of the blame <P>You only need to own what is yours. Yes the anger will pass if you really love then go ahead with counsleling, in fact if you dont continue for you. Hang in there it does get better or so I have been told<BR><P>------------------<BR>If you are living in the problem then you are not part of the solution!<P>I CAN'T<BR>HE CAN<BR>I THINK I WILL LET HIM

It's a phase, that's number 1.<P>Number 2, really more important than number 1:<P><B>YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THE AFFAIR</B><P>You may take blame for your part in the breakdown of the marriage that led <B>him</B> to have an affair. Not <B>YOU</B>.<P>It really is normal for the WS to blame the BS for their actions... wait it out... don't give up now... no throwing in the towel, okay???<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Terrified,<P>I know exactly what you are feeling right now - EXACTLY!! My W has also blamed me for everything, but still denies there is an affair (even though there are over 100 phone calls to OM on her cell phone in one month). The hardest thing for me to get over was believing her that it was all my fault. I have taken ownership of my problems in our marriage, but last Tuesday I finally got over accepting the blame that she has put on me. You need to understand that an affair is an addiction. And that the BS made the decision to be unfaithful - you did not hold a gun to his head and make him have the affair.<P>For me I am feeling a little better by knowing that I am not soley responsible for my W actions. My inlaws have been tremendous supporters through this whole process. Additionally, the people on this board are incredible. They are insightful and can provide a wealth of knowledge. They have convinced me not to throw in the towel because it is not what I really want to do, even though my W is saying she is filing for divorce. <P>Listen to the kind people on these boards - and know that you are not alone.<P>sadandconfused<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited May 02, 2001).]

Is it a natural phase of his withdrawal from the OW? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B>It's a phase, that's number 1.<P>Number 2, really more important than number 1:<P>YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THE AFFAIR</B><P>You may take blame for your part in the breakdown of the marriage that led <B>him</B> to have an affair. Not <B>YOU</B>.<P>It really is normal for the WS to blame the BS for their actions... wait it out... don't give up now... no throwing in the towel, okay???<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Early in our recovery, my H said the same thing, that I drove him to the affair.<BR>Yes - I'm responsible for not being a good partner to him, but it works both ways doesn't it?<P>YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! DO NOT TAKE ANY BLAME WHATSOEVER!<P>No matter what the situation in your marriage, your H chose his own actions, you didn't force him out the door and tell him to go have an affair. This is the crux of it for me and I have told my H it is something that still bothers me that he had choices, he even had OW telling him, (online and on the phone before they met) to talk to me about his feelings, yet he chose to meet with her. Bottom line. Albeit, the choice was made in a fog, and my love bank was negative and hers was full, but still...<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>Is it a natural phase of his withdrawal from the OW? <P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As sad as this is: he is feeling pain from the withdrawl and he is not yet ready to see that HE CAUSED IT... he has to put the blame *somewhere* and he's not about to blame himself or the OW right now... so, who's that leave? Oh yeah, the faithful spouse.<P>Yes, in my opinion, it is the norm.<BR>

You mentioned early in your recovery, does this mean that you've recovered despite the horrible situation?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Alberta:<BR><B>Early in our recovery, my H said the same thing, that I drove him to the affair.<BR>Yes - I'm responsible for not being a good partner to him, but it works both ways doesn't it?<P>YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! DO NOT TAKE ANY BLAME WHATSOEVER!<P>No matter what the situation in your marriage, your H chose his own actions, you didn't force him out the door and tell him to go have an affair. This is the crux of it for me and I have told my H it is something that still bothers me that he had choices, he even had OW telling him, (online and on the phone before they met) to talk to me about his feelings, yet he chose to meet with her. Bottom line. Albeit, the choice was made in a fog, and my love bank was negative and hers was full, but still...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

We all make our own choices.<BR>If he was feeling that horrible in your marriage and you were just that awful of a wife, then he should have done something about it other than what he chose to do.<P>My husband says that he was unhappy and his mistake was not telling me about it or doing anything to work on the marriage. He was such a good actor that I had no idea.

My experience has been that guilt drives most WSs to be defensive or to deflect blame and responsibility. Probably his behavior is so despicable, even to himself, that the only way he can make himself feel better about it is to make it someone else's fault. Since what he is doing is most hurtful to you, he makes it your problem. It's a weak thing to do, but weakness defines the typical WS (no one knows better than me). His affair is not your fault. You share equal responsibility for creating a marriage that made an affair possible, but the affair is on him.<P>If guilt motivates his attacks on you it's kind of a good sign because guilt comes from a knowledge that we're doing wrong. If he knows he's doing wrong, it means he's capable of doing what he knows is right. Wanting to do the right thing is what pulled me out of the Fog. If it did it for me, it can do it for him, too. Please don't accept blame for his mistakes. Guilt is probably tearing him apart. If it is, I think he'll eventually come to the point of wanting to feel good about himself by doing what is right. Try to hold on long enough for that to happen.<P>

That blame shifting....projection...projection...projection...and right how of the Cheaters Secret Code Book...don't let him do it to you. Your share in the state of the marriage...yeah...but not the affair....that was his own doing.<P>I think most WS do this so that they won't have to put the blame where it really belongs. I know mine did...but you know what...when I attempted to change the behavior he first complained was the cause....then suddenly it was really another behavior...that's when I wised up and said no more.<P>Try not to react...he is in denial, but he'll get over it when the fog clears and it all comes home to him....it's just another thing you have to overlook and try not to LB about. You learn to develop a thick skin around WSs.<P>Oh, yeah, eventually he did own up to it being his fault and had nothing to do with me.<P>Faye<P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 02, 2001).]

You're too close to home...last week at the counselling session, he mentioned that it was a number of things I just wasn't doing that made him very unhappy and "drove" him to "A" . This week, it's something else. Anyway, I now figure it will anything or everything I was or wasn't. That's what is really depressing. If I lack so much in his eyes, then how will he ever love me again? <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>That blame shifting....projection...projection...projection...and right how of the Cheaters Secret Code Book...don't let him do it to you. Your share in the state of the marriage...yeah...but not the affair....that was his own doing.<P>I think most WS do this so that they won't have to put the blame where it really belongs. I know mine did...but you know what...when I attempted to change the behavior he first complained was the cause....then suddenly it was really another behavior...that's when I wised up and said no more.<P>Try not to react...he is in denial, but he'll get over it when the fog clears and it all comes home to him....it's just another thing you have to overlook and try not to LB about. You learn to develop a thick skin around WSs.<P>Oh, yeah, eventually he did own up to it being his fault and had nothing to do with me.<P>Faye<P>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 02, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>